Well, it’s time for the World Series to start. But you don’t have to give a hoot about baseball to be annoyed by this piece of dreck from Monday’s New York Daily News. I rarely purchase the News because, well, it’s a lowest common denominator kind of tabloid, although it’s usually a step above the especially noxious New York Post. But the News has a fantastic sports section, and Monday’s paper had all the details about the Yankees clinching victory in the American League Championship Series. (Sorry, Angels fans.) I settled in to read it on the train and found the article linked above that focuses on the Yankee WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends). Now, as someone who admits to carrying around a picture of Derek Jeter in her wallet in high school in the hopes that it would somehow enable me to meet and marry him, I thought it would be worth reading. And then I regretted it almost instantly once I found gems like this in the opening paragraph: The Pinstripers play a whole lot better when their wives and girlfriends (or WAGs) show them some love. Wait, what? So the team loses if the wives don’t show up and/or put out?
There’s more, unfortunately. The article takes the time to categorize every wife/girlfriend’s “Maintenance factor”. For example: Kate Hudson, who’s dating third baseman Alex Rodriguez, has a maintenance factor of
High. Hudson has grown up in the lap of L.A. luxury — and she’s not giving it up now. From jet-setting to Miami for a quick vacation with A-Rod to apartment shopping in the trendiest neighborhoods of NYC, Hudson knows how to live large.
Never mind that it would seem logical that a multimillionaire athlete like Rodriguez might be perceived as “high maintenance” himself. He’s a dude, so it doesn’t count!
What about the maintenance factor of Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly, who’s dating Jeter?
Probably high, as she hasn’t been embraced by the other wives, so Jeter needs to keep her happy when he’s off the field.
Oh, and Amber Sabathia, the wife of pitcher C.C. Sabathia?
Maintenance factor: Pretty high, considering she had to be convinced to let her husband join the Yanks in lieu of her preferred pick, the San Francisco Giants.
Yes, how dare she have the gall to expect a say in where she would have to relocate and raise her three children? A good, low-maintenance wife would just smile, nod, and follow her husband anywhere.
Michelle Damon, wife of outfielder Johnny Damon?
Memorable moment: She received an 8-carat canary-yellow diamond engagement ring from the Yankee outfielder. Maintenance factor: If the diamond ring says anything, it’s that this woman likes her jewelry.
I’m confused: the News doesn’t protest that people pay athletes a gazillion dollars but then they imply the wives are bauble-grubbing snobs when the athletes use that ludicrous salary to buy them something? My head is exploding. Finally there is Laura Posada, wife of catcher Jorge Posada (and my neighbor). The News clearly admires her maintenance factor:
No maintenance necessary. She takes care of everything.
Just like every good little woman should! Oh, but they do have one complaint.
Luck factor: Low. The Yanks have won only one World Series since the couple married. You be the judge.
It’s all Laura Posada’s fault! Can we trade her for a groupie with a magic vagina? Please? Well, enough of that nonsense. Let the games begin and the best team win.