Well, not purposefully a joke. But if you want to have a little laugh-’til-you-cry-’til-you-laugh-’til-you-puke experience this morning, look no further than what is quite possibly the smelliest piece of faux-feminist (ex-kyooze me, “feminine-ist”) shit ever deposited in Great Toilet of the Internet. At Oprah.com, natch. The article is titled “Are You a Feminist or a Feminine-ist?” and is even, erm, better than you would guess. I bring you the most pungent droppings of one Karen Salmansohn, in case you don’t want to give her/Queen O your advertising click-money.
The blurb, which doesn’t use an Oxford comma:
Being a strong, powerful woman doesn’t mean you have to be tough, overworked and unattractive. Karen Salmansohn explains how power and success come from being in touch with your feminine, sexy and loving side.
I am tough and overworked. And maybe unattractive. ALL THE MORE REASON TO BE A FEMINIST. But let’s actually get to the article.
Almost from the introduction of the word “feminism” into our world, the definition has become corroded to mean something less than complimentary than its original intent. Somewhere along the line, to be a feminist started to mean a woman who’s basically unattractive both in looks and spirit.
I find this negative connotation to be shameful and highly unhelpful.
Me too, Karen. All who believe in the political, economic and social equality of women should just say “Yo, I’m a feminist!” so we could debunk the Myth of the Horrible Hag, and then recognize who the real assholes are. Right?
Women could truly benefit from finding a more inspiring word than “feminism” to stand by, as well as stand for, when seeking to become our most powerful and successful selves.
Wait, wait, wait…WHAT?
As a card-carrying “feminine-ist,” I am here to tell you that feeling sexy is what helps me to be my most powerful and successful self, and being powerful and successful also helps me feel damn sexy!
WOO! SEXY! DON’T YOU JUST LOVE BEING SEXY? GETTING A MANICURE IS JUST LIKE GETTING A RAISE!
With the word “feminism,” it might have been embarrassing for a man to say he was a supporter because it might sound like he was admitting to supporting of a group of controlling, bitchy women. But with new pro-sexiness, pro-sweetness, pro-balance words like “feminine-ist” and “feminine-ism,” what’s not for a man to love?
Feminism is positively pussifying for a gentleman. Like her fiance. Which she has one of. DO YOU? Don’t be all bitchy, asking for your rights; his dick will wither and then what will you worship? And did you know that being post-feminist is new? She just made it up right now!
The truth is, it’s both possible and highly rewarding to be a “feminine-ist” and embrace both feminine energies and masculine energies at the same time— like walking while chewing gum and checking your BlackBerry.
If this weren’t the end of an editorial-type article, I would submit it to the Bulwer-Lytton contest for horrible fiction. Is chewing gum feminine or masculine? More importantly, is it sexy? I need to know!
And what is up with that terrible, musing-pre-teen-at-a-table image? “Hmm, do I want to be treated as a full human being, or chew gum?”
Fuck you, Karen Salmansohn.