Well, not purposefully a joke. But if you want to have a little laugh-’til-you-cry-’til-you-laugh-’til-you-puke experience this morning, look no further than what is quite possibly the smelliest piece of faux-feminist (ex-kyooze me, “feminine-ist”) shit ever deposited in Great Toilet of the Internet. At Oprah.com, natch. The article is titled “Are You a Feminist or a Feminine-ist?” and is even, erm, better than you would guess. I bring you the most pungent droppings of one Karen Salmansohn, in case you don’t want to give her/Queen O your advertising click-money.
The blurb, which doesn’t use an Oxford comma:
Being a strong, powerful woman doesn’t mean you have to be tough, overworked and unattractive. Karen Salmansohn explains how power and success come from being in touch with your feminine, sexy and loving side.
I am tough and overworked. And maybe unattractive. ALL THE MORE REASON TO BE A FEMINIST. But let’s actually get to the article.
Almost from the introduction of the word “feminism” into our world, the definition has become corroded to mean something less than complimentary than its original intent. Somewhere along the line, to be a feminist started to mean a woman who’s basically unattractive both in looks and spirit.
I find this negative connotation to be shameful and highly unhelpful.
Me too, Karen. All who believe in the political, economic and social equality of women should just say “Yo, I’m a feminist!” so we could debunk the Myth of the Horrible Hag, and then recognize who the real assholes are. Right?
Women could truly benefit from finding a more inspiring word than “feminism” to stand by, as well as stand for, when seeking to become our most powerful and successful selves.
Wait, wait, wait…WHAT?
As a card-carrying “feminine-ist,” I am here to tell you that feeling sexy is what helps me to be my most powerful and successful self, and being powerful and successful also helps me feel damn sexy!
WOO! SEXY! DON’T YOU JUST LOVE BEING SEXY? GETTING A MANICURE IS JUST LIKE GETTING A RAISE!
With the word “feminism,” it might have been embarrassing for a man to say he was a supporter because it might sound like he was admitting to supporting of a group of controlling, bitchy women. But with new pro-sexiness, pro-sweetness, pro-balance words like “feminine-ist” and “feminine-ism,” what’s not for a man to love?
Feminism is positively pussifying for a gentleman. Like her fiance. Which she has one of. DO YOU? Don’t be all bitchy, asking for your rights; his dick will wither and then what will you worship? And did you know that being post-feminist is new? She just made it up right now!
The truth is, it’s both possible and highly rewarding to be a “feminine-ist” and embrace both feminine energies and masculine energies at the same time— like walking while chewing gum and checking your BlackBerry.
If this weren’t the end of an editorial-type article, I would submit it to the Bulwer-Lytton contest for horrible fiction. Is chewing gum feminine or masculine? More importantly, is it sexy? I need to know!
And what is up with that terrible, musing-pre-teen-at-a-table image? “Hmm, do I want to be treated as a full human being, or chew gum?”
Fuck you, Karen Salmansohn.
GETTING A MANICURE IS JUST LIKE GETTING A RAISE! So funny PhD. This is a great post but it’s funny in a painful way.
Somewhere along the line, to be a feminist started to mean a woman who’s basically unattractive both in looks and spirit.
I find this negative connotation to be shameful and highly unhelpful.
But I’m going to perpetuate the shit out of it because I’m desperate to have you think I’m sexxxxxy! And cute! And un-threatening! And hey, did I tell you I’m ENGAGED?
So feminism, which is dedicated to the proposition that women are more valuable than mere sex objects, would benefit by women being (and feeling!) more sexy?? Sorry, my tiny woman-brain can’t comprehend that magnitude of cognitive dissonance. Maybe I’ll try thinking about it again when I’m not chewing gum.
Wait, which of these three is masculine and which is feminine: “walking, chewing gum, and checking your BlackBerry”? I mean, if I’m walking in my big black boots, am I walking masculine? But if I’m walking in my ballet flats, I’m walking feminine? Is there girly gum and manly gum? If I’m BBing a girlfriend to meet up for cosmos, is it feminine? And if I’m BBing my boss about an important project, is it masculine? Just trying to figure out how the mere act of walking, chewing gum, and checking my BlackBerry is “harnessing both feminine and masculine energies at the same time.”
@Funnyface: Having a Blackberry is masculine. Because it’s electronic and you do WORK on it, and everyone knows that gadgets and work can cause problems for our tiny ladybrains.
Walking is feminine, but only if you’re wearing high heels, because big black boots are so butch, and nothing’s worse than seeming butch because it might make guys think you’re a feminist–or a lesbian!–and you’d scare them away and you’d never get the male attention and approval that’s vital to female emotional well-being.
PhDork, have I told you lately that I love you?
I’ve seen a couple of take-downs of this piece on feminist blogs now, but yours is my favorite. You’ve distilled the entire article to its essence with this line:
GETTING A MANICURE IS JUST LIKE GETTING A RAISE!
“Somewhere along the line, to be a feminist started to mean a woman who’s basically unattractive both in looks and spirit.”
I mean, did it not occur to her maybe that wanting rights and agency is unattractive to many men? And that that’s…their fault?
Personally, in non-tea contexts, I am anti-sweetness. I like my tea sweet and my politics hot and sour.
@baraquiel: you are so right on with this: “I mean, did it not occur to her maybe that wanting rights and agency is unattractive to many men? And that that’s…their fault?”
I guess it wouldn’t occur to her that self-identifying as a feminist, an actual, factual, feminist, is a great way to weed out the assholes who find it “unattractive,” because they make shitty boyfriends/fiances/whatever.
Not to mention that, hey, maybe it’s ok to be physically unattractive. Maybe my value as a human being is greater than the sum of my hotness. Maybe it is not my divinely ordained job as a woman to be as attractive as possible.
From the bio page on her blog:
“Journalists call Salmansohn DEEPAK CHOPRA MEETS CARRIE BRADSHAW”
pardon me wont you? I will now be running screaming from the room.
How do so many people miss the goddamn point that feminism is NOT about what men love?
If at least one man is not pissed off by my words and actions, I’m not doing feminism correctly.
Ugh, that “article” makes me want to vomit in the worst way.
The awesome thing though is the comments. Did you all read those? I think every one of them points out the ridiculousness of the “article” and says that they are feminists. I mean, that’s pretty full of win right there.
@llevinso: those comments are awesome! I’d log in and comment but I don’t want the great and powerful oprah corp. to have all my info.
Oh here’s another gem from the huffington post, The Power of Cleavage
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-salmansohn/the-power-of-cleavage_b_70260.html
I am so damn sick of the round-the-clock pressure to be “sexy.” Is there any outlet in this whole entire country that’s not pushing sexy empowerfulment on us? And now Oprah. Thanks for nothing, O.
Why oh why is this person all over the MSM, and all of you ladies aren’t??
Oh, and she wrote a self-help book called “How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis,” according to wikipedia.
But with new pro-sexiness, pro-sweetness, pro-balance words like “feminine-ist” and “feminine-ism,” what’s not for a man to love?
Leaving aside the grammar nerd that dies inside me when I hear a mutilated word like “feminine-ist,” I’d like to point out that I am sweet and sexy and I think I’m balanced. I’m still a feminist because I’m also in favor of being treated as if I were a real human being.
Notice how, even while trying to embrace “femininity”, she’s letting MEN define it? This is as anti-feminist as it gets! Men don’t have the power to define what is feminine, unless we hand that power over to them. Women need to stop doing that, and start owning what “feminine” means to each and every one of us.
::Insert whiny voice here::: But, “It’s a personal mission of [hers]—evident in a range of [her] books—to help empower women to live their most fulfilling, self-loving and happiest lives.”
She wants us to be happy! And we can’t be happy if we’re not into manicures, and bubble baths, and massages! So we should put aside these silly notions of feminism and get our nails painted. Because, of course, we would be sooo much happier.
The comments on the piece were heartwarming though.
You made me laugh with the comment about the oxford comma. I actually read the entire article before reading your comments and I must admit that my inner monologue followed your comments almost to a T. The last sentence about walking, chewing gum and bbing made me snark a little.
In regards to “pro-sexiness, pro-sweetness, pro-balance words like “feminine-ist” and “feminine-ism,” what’s not for a man to love?”, doesn’t she mean “pro-shallowness, pro-submissive, pro-conforming, ain’t I gonna be a good little wifey”?
I would also like to thank Salmansohn for alerting me to the fact that teh menz would find me more attractive if I tried to be sexier, since no man or mega corporation has ever told me that.
Yes, yes, if there’s one thing the feminist movement could really use, it’s more input from men.
Oh, you silly things, she’s just trying to trick you! Sweet, sexy feminine ladies don’t chew gum-it throws off our balance.
This piece makes me feel ashamed of having a husband, ever feeling powerful or successful and trying at all to make myself more attractive than my usual average-at-best looks. Nice work, honeybunch.
That is the best takedown in, well, forever. The piece is depressing as hell but you had me smiling.
Can I just say that if I can’t find a man who’s a feminist (and willing to call himself one) to be my life partner, I’m perfectly happy to be a spinster rather than marry the kind of guy her fiance appears to be?
I have a question. What are the chances that the horrendous authors of such pieces as the article mentioned here will stumble upon your takedown, Dork? Because that would make me very happy. Like if they have their Google feed set up they will see it right?
[i]GETTING A MANICURE IS JUST LIKE GETTING A RAISE![/i]
LOVE!
You yucky feminists just don’t appreciate good advice when you get it, do you? She’s just trying to HELP us, don’t you see? If we just worried more about our relative sexiness and less about being controlling and bitchy we’d be fully empowerfulled by now.
Do yourself a favor and get that leg hair out of your ears and listen, ladies! We’re all just a facial or two away from feminine Nirvana.
Ohhhhh, orchidthief, I would be deeply satisfied were Ms. Salmansohn to read this and perhaps realize that when it comes to feminism, she’s mad as a snake. But, Karen? If you’re there? It’s okay. We can de-program you. You can even keep your manicure.
Getting a manicure is just like getting a raise!
LOL
Oh, Karen, you’re a fucking tool. Maybe instead of a manicure you got a lobotomy by mistake. Oops. You’re still sexy, though! And that’s all that matters.
*headdesk* Argh. This is fucking absurd.
On behalf of leggy, sexy muggers everywhere, I’m offended that she’s called my “career” a “low-level” one.
OMG, I almost wish I hadn’t just read that, so I wouldn’t be experiencing the full body hate-on I have going on at the moment for this women.
I mean, she said so many offensive things, I wouldn’t even know where to start, but since most of you have already commented on one thing or another, I’d just like to add that I’m particularly offended by her whole “what’s not for a man to love” shtick. That kind of discourse defines gender roles in a way that implies that everything “women” do should be done with the intent to please “men” and is not only dismisses of the idea of personal agency, but also negates the idea of the existence of inter-personal dynamics and social relationships that exist outside of the heterosexual and cisgendered variety.
“Fuck you, Karen Salmansohn.” and may I add, why the hell are people like this PAID to write this crap?
Wow…her grammar seems kind of weak. I would expect better writing in a professional publication.
Hey Karen, I have a surprise for you! I’m a feminist AND I have a manicure! Does that mean I get a raise?
Bah. The only way I can stomach this article is to redefine “sexy” to my meaning: I’m sexy right now, sitting in the recliner in pajama pants, a t-shirt, and a hoodie.