Last week the New York Times ran a great article about the remaining few women’s residences in New York City. Women’s residences were founded in the early 20th century as a way for single, working women to have a safe place to live. Yes, there was a healthy streak of morality policing at work–residences were where Nice Girl from Good Families could live together without being mistaken for, y’know, whores. These days there’s less paternalism involved, but single-sex residences are very much alive and well:
..the smattering of all-female residences that remain are thriving, most with waiting lists of prospective tenants. The appeal today is not so different than it was in the past: safety, cleanliness and — especially attractive in modern-day New York — a good real estate deal.
It costs about $1,000 per month to live at the Webster. For that you get a small single room and shared bath but also a hot breakfast and dinner, maid service, use of a large walled garden and a roof deck with a spectacular view of the Empire State Building. The deal is similar — minus the garden and the roof deck — at the Brandon Residence for Women, tucked among multi-million-dollar town houses and co-ops on the Upper West Side, and the Sacred Heart Residence, run by an order of Catholic nuns, in Chelsea.
Two meals a day, maid service, and a roof deck for $1,000? Unbeatable, if you can stand the rules, which include restrictions on visitors–especially male visitors. That would have been a deal breaker for me, but the article makes it clear that the young women who live there don’t seem to mind too much, and really like living in what’s essentially an urban dormitory. And despite the rules about no male visitors, even the Catholic residences aren’t exactly convents:
“On Saturday night, you start seeing everyone all dolled up and walking out the door,” said Sister Marlene Rust, the administrator of Jeanne d’Arc, which is owned by an order of Catholic nuns. “You might see them walking in again on Sunday morning or afternoon.” (Asked if anyone seemed to be embarrassed by such a timetable, the nun replied: “Why be embarrassed?”) (ed: Heh. Nuns are awesome.)
I was torn when I read this article. I like the idea of women having a safe space, and the residents who spoke to the Times are a far cry from the virginal Nice Girls the residences’ founders intended to protect. But when I first moved to New York, I never would have thought to look up one of these places. Hmmm…would it have liked it?
When I arrived in New York, at age 21, I was lucky enough to have a place waiting for me. One of MamaSharper’s friends had a daughter, M., who’d just signed a lease on a two bedroom in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and needed a roommate. It was a small apartment, but it was cheap and the neighborhood was reasonably safe (this was before Williamsburg became the hipster epicenter of the universe–the apartment we rented for $700 a month now goes for about three times that). Problem was, M. had never lived with a roommate, and didn’t really know how to compromise, whereas I was coming off four years of college roommates and had gotten really tired of compromising (dishes in the sink, whose turn it was to clean the bathroom, etc). Also, like the women’s residences, M. didn’t approve of overnight male visitors, which was sort of a problem, as I was still dating my college boyfriend, who lived in Virginia and couldn’t exactly come up for day trips.
Oh, and did I mention we had mice? Lots and lots and lots of mice? Skittering along the baseboards, gnawing their way through our trash bags, holding all-night raves in the kitchen cabinets?
It lasted six months. M. and I stayed friends but I moved into my own apartment. I got privacy, no mice, and the freedom to do whatever I wanted with my space. For the first time in my life, I felt like an honest-to-God independent woman. I don’t know that I would have felt that way if I’d lived by myself in one of the women’s residences–it probably would have felt too much like a dorm to me.
Although I have been in cohabiting relationships where I had four nights a week and a closet at my boyfriend’s place, or had a long-distance boyfriend shack up with me for a month or two, the lease has always been in my name only. There have definitely been times when I wished for a few helping hands around the house, but generally, the freedom of living alone is pretty great, and I can’t say I’ve ever felt lonely.
I’m curious to hear what y’all think about the idea of all-women’s residences–and about roommates vs. living alone for single women.
In Part Two, we’ll talk about co-habiting with romantic partners, and the co-housing movement.
I’m thinking that if I ever decide to run away to New York I will postpone doing so until I have a room in one of these places. It does sound dormy, yes, but in my dorm a meal plan wasn’t included and there certainly wasn’t a cleaning service! That being said, the floor in my dorm had three wings, and the floors with two female wings usually had mean girls type problems… I don’t want to generalize but that would be my only fear, getting ganged up on or picked on. That may be my elementary school self coming out, however.
The romantic in me says it sounds so dreamy! Maybe I’ll start saving…
Except for a very brief four month period, I’ve only ever lived with other people. I went from living at home to living with a roommate and then to living with my boyfiend. The four months in between the roommate and the boyfriend, were, from what I recall, pretty fantastic. Though I was only subletting, the freedom of having my own space all to myself felt so much more grown-up. It was the first time I truly felt like an adult. It was also the last time I only had my own mess to tidy.
While I have no regrets, and I love living with the man, sometimes I really do miss those days.
I had an absolutely horrible experience in my college dorms, and would never want to put myself in that type of situation again, but I can definitely see how this could be a fantastic and positive option for many women.
I worked full time during college, and my shift was 5pm – 2am. The “mean girls” spread every rumor from party-holic bar-hopper to prostitute.
My biggest problem with roommates has been fairly splitting bills. Or even getting rent paid on time in some cases. I hate being the responsible one prodding everyone to pay up. I’d rather live on my own. It has drawbacks, but for me it’s totally worth it.
Hi. This is my first time commenting, but I have been reading this blog near daily for months.
I’ve lived with other people my entire life. Sometimes, as many as nine other people (though now I’m down to three). For me, the social aspects of group living far outweigh issues of privacy or group cleanliness, though it’s entirely possible I’ve just been very, very lucky in housemates. I grew up in a large family, and honestly, at the age of thirty, I have no desire to live alone, ever. I’m also a romantic when it comes to women-only spaces, so basically this sort of arrangement sounds like heaven. If you threw in a vegetable garden and a communal kitchen with a good gas range? I’m pretty sure I could grow old there.
(Also for demographic purposes I’d like to mention that I’m a straight white lady who’s in a relationship, and worries about eventually moving in together because then there will only be two of us.)
I’ve lived with roommates and/or significant others for nearly my entire adult life – and I’m 37! It doesn’t help that I work in a dramatically underpaid field, and that I’ve tried to live on barely-sustainable nonprofit or grad school stipends while living in such expensive cities as San Francisco and New Orleans. But I’ve come to the realization that – as long as I have a good roommate/partner (and that’s a *huge* assumption) – I actually don’t mind it too much.
Sure, I’ve had some horror stories – like the roommate who never cleaned in the 2 months I lived in her house (despite having the sheddiest dog I’ve ever met – I’m talking dust bunnies the size of jackrabbits lining the hallways!). Or the screamer whose boyfriend always had to come to our place because he was, er, married. I’m also a private person who values my own space, and don’t seek out a roommate who’s also my BFF (I think that makes it easier). But the few times I’ve lived on my own (maybe a total of 9-10 months in all) I’ve actually gotten lonely. I like having someone around to talk to, just about the little stuff. My current roommate is absolutely perfect – clean, quiet, respsectful, and friendly but not clingy. I’m much happier here than on my own – and am living in a much nicer house and neighborhood than I could ever afford on my own.
Throughout university I always lived with lots of housemates – more often people I didn’t know going in because of the nature of my degree (it was a co-op degree that required me to go and work full time somewhere every 4 months so I was constantly moving). I see the appeal of these women’s residences from a safety perspective but it’s not something I would want to revisit even if I was single again.
I lived alone for about a year and a half in a one bedroom apartment before I was married and I loved it. I loved that the mess was mine and I loved the independence – not needing to answer to anyone. I did find it sometimes a little lonely but that was more because I lived in a suburb far from my friends but convenient to my job.
That article is fascinating. I’m so intrigued by the women who’ve been living in the building for decades, and who won’t talk to the reporter. But mostly I’m curious how the buildings afford to maintain themselves while charging their tenants so little.
Those residences remind me of the one the Plath character lived in during her summer in New York in “The Bell Jar”. It sounds like a great deal, especially for someone who’s never lived in a big city before. It would be a way to acclimatize and get to know your way around before getting your own place-if you ever did.
I’ve been married for 26 years, and we’ve managed to share our space very comfortably. It helps that MrMM is a tv lover and I’m not, so I spend a lot of my down time in our room reading while he’s in the den with the tube.
When I was single I lived alone for about 5 years, and I loved it. One of my fondest memories is unpacking all the new kitchen equipment I’d bought and putting away in *my* kitchen. I got to be close to several of my neighbors (it was a converted house) and it was a great experience. Of course, I always had cats, so I didn’t really live alone. I know that sounds soppy, but really, having another living being in the house does make quite a big difference. And I never, ever had a mouse problem!
I heard so many roommate horror stories in my life that I vowed to never have one. The only person I ever lived with was my late husband.
Now that I’m single again, I thought about rooming with someone, but I can afford to live alone and I really like it. I can invite people over if I want company, and I can wander about nude and do whatever I want if I don’t.
I’ve lived alone for 11 years now (I’m 34). I love it and will never live with anyone ever again. For one year in there I lived with a boyfriend. I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever meet a man who wants to live with me. I’m aggressively independent. I must have my space and alone time. I adore my little house and coming home to my own space and the peace and quiet. There may be something wrong with me.
I always shudder when I hear stories of women who went straight from “their father’s house to their husbands.” I think living somewhere where you are responsible for your rent and upkeep – even if there are housemates (sometimes /especially/ if there are housemates) is crucial because you get to rely on yourself, learn how you like to do things, and how you need to compromise with others. I’ve only ever lived alone for short periods of time, and as others have said I really like only having to clean up my own mess and getting that quiet when I walk in or want to go to bed.
But good roommates can achieve that effect too – my current roommates are unobtrusive, generally tidy, and friendly. And it took me time to learn to be the same way, or to learn that I didn’t /have/ to just adjust to the slobby habits of others. I could move! My parents living habits are very, very different, and they never had a cohabitational space before they got married in which to make compromises or ask for adjustments, and the inequality created by their varying approaches to housework still exists, 25 years later.
@Odonata: Welcome! You sound like the ideal roommate! Do you think that your growing up in a large family is part of why you’re so comfortable with roommates? One of my college roommates was from a big family and she just loved having people in our room ALL the time. She genuinely felt lonely when she was by herself because she had never been alone growing up.
@MM: Sylvia Plath lived at the Barbizon, which is mentioned in the article. It became a condo in 2002 but they still have some tenants from its former incarnation who were grandfathered in when it went condo.
@theorchidthief: I don’t think you’re abnormal in any way. I feel the same about needing alone time and space. When I’ve lived with people I’ve just had to be really creative about finding ways to get it. Still, it’s such a relief to live by myself and not have to compromise on it.
I’ve had good roommates who I loved living with, and bad ones who I didn’t. I also really enjoyed living alone, and as I’ve written here before, I sometimes miss the fierce sense of independence I felt then. Moving in with my fiance was a huge adjustment for me. HUGE. But I am thoroughly adjusted now, and can’t imagine him not being around.
As for all-women’s residences like those described in the article, my first thought was that I wish we didn’t live in a world where some women felt the need to segregate themselves by gender to achieve a sense of safety and peace in their living environment. But in light of the current reality, I think these places serve a legitimate purpose. If I was a young woman starting out in an unfamiliar city, this might appeal to me. But I suspect the dorm-like atmosphere would get off-putting eventually.
I think big families does tend to incline one to be more used to compromise. That said, I’m from a big family and think I’m easy going, as long as someone tells me when I’m absent-mindedly doing something annoying. My current flatmate is from a four person family, which seems big enough to me, but I guess they’re a bit more passive aggressive, so it’s been interesting trying to figure out compromises without much verbal/blatant communication.
Oh, I forgot to even comment on the topic at hand. I got distracted by specifics. Granted, I can’t really comment on female-specific urban dormitories. Sounds like a deal though. I can however, comment on the choice of titular reference. Everyone throws around phrases like ‘life-changing’ about every run of the mill book, film, music, whathaveyou. I refuse to toss it around willy-nilly, but I think Woolf’s ‘Room Of One’s Own’ really hit me when I read it in college. Maybe it simply made me realize something I always knew, or maybe I just loved the way she wrote, but this is the one book I can think of where I’d use to phrase ‘life changing’. Frankly, I can’t think of a better compliment.
I enjoy living with other people and being by myself. At the moment, largely due to financial things, I’m sharing a place with the bf, and a friend from work. Living with 2 extra people has its ups and downs, especially in the bill paying, rent department, and at the moment because of uni end of semester, the place isn’t looking the best.
Though, I do lean more towards the living by myself, even though I am from a large family (more than 5 siblings).
I remember whilst living at home, whilst I really enjoyed the activity and the company, if I could swing it, I would try to stay home when everyone was going out for a family thing.
It was bliss, especially when all I could hear was the night noises from the crickets and dragonflies.
I like living with someone. When I’m alone for too long I get antsy. But then again, I’m still a college student in a dorm. I do have a roommate horror story, but it’s about…a conflict of philosophies rather than one of cleanliness, etc (as in, “I am personally offended that you don’t support our president, you must cease to hold this view” type conflict, back in 2006).
Living in a dorm has made me vow that whatever living style I choose in the future, I will always live in a place where I am allowed to keep cats and don’t have to share a bathroom with strangers.
This is basically the living situation I have right now, but in a large, expensive European city rather than New York. Complete with being run by nuns and not having visitors allowed.
When I first came I thought it would be terrible and figured I would move asap, but now I’m considering giving up the apartment search. I’m probably only in this city till summer anyway, and my room is MUCH cheaper than anything else I’ve found, and the house is clean and very centrally located. Yeah, the thing about visitors isn’t ideal, but I can deal for all the other advantages it offers. And the nuns don’t force us to believe or go to church, and all the other girls are like me – trying to save money but perfectly normal 20-something-year-olds.
I loved this article! I’m so glad there are these options for women, it makes sense. I remember the Women Only floor at my dorm, and it seemed weird when I got to school, and plain ol smart when I left school.
I live with 3 kids, I’m divorced and I love it. The idea of going back to sharing my house with someone else, being a partner, and all those negotiations–I do it myself, it’s done, and I get on with my day. And I get to decorate the way I want. I’m in a No Compromises phase of my life, not saying it will stay that way, but I have options.
Congrats on having that lease, Becky. What power! And what options.
Thanks for this piece, BeckyS. It was fun reading about everyone’s living experiences. I want to hang out with you all!
Well, I went to a women’s college the first time around, and I honestly loved that female-only space. Would I want to return to that now that I’m not in a dorm at Mount Holyoke? Actually, it’s possible. I don’t really need to worry about male visitors, and there can be a certain camaraderie.
As for roommates, I have never had one outside of college. I can have pretty intense social anxiety at times, and I get freaked out even by the prospect of living with a friend. I have a strong need for my own space, not a big space, but enough that I can be by myself and not raise any eyebrows when I hang around my laptop all day.
[...] about all-women’s residences and the co-housing movement, but not the occasionally-fraught issue of living with our [...]