Twice in the past 48 hours I have had the displeasure of reading pathetic, poorly-written attempts at humor in college newspapers. The target of the writers’ screeds, of course, is women. It’s amazing how many people think misogyny is fresh and new and “edgy.”
The new shame of Fairfield University, Chris Surette, wrote some “tips of advice to become a champ [at pounding girls].” Getting laid is great, he says, because:
Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity.
I don’t expect The Mirror to publish sex-positive, feminist articles, but this piece of trash glorifies sexual predation. There is a silver lining, however. Surette tells women:
hopefully you got something out of this to (sic)… actually, we don’t really care.
You don’t say.
Surette pursues sex with women as a means to an end: impressing his male friends. Mistreating women is a homosocial bonding ritual. Surette is obviously proud of this, which is why he is sharing it with hiring managers who’ll type his name into a search engine one day.
Another topic that’s as edgy as a bowling ball is “Ew, periods!” Jon Hochschartner of SUNY Plattsburgh also tries to entertain his readers by denigrating women and their bodies. The alternate title was How To Get Off Even When Your Broad Is Gross And Bleeding. It consists of a fabricated story about waking up in a pool of menstrual blood after spending the night with a foul woman. This trauma inspired him to advise men and women against period sex, recommending some alternative activities:
You could always see if she’s down with anal.
Bleeding pussies make him “vomit in [his] mouth” but the ass is fine. He also suggests a week of blowjobs. If she’s not into it, “stuff her full of cramp-reducing chocolate” ’til she obliges. It’s all about his penis and how she can please it when her vagina is out of service. Way to think outside the box (pun intended).
Both of these guys got ripped apart by commenters, but there were almost as many Douchebag Defenders. I think it’s time to create a College Newspaper Columnist bingo card. It will include, but not be limited to, the following:
The truth hurts, dohnit?
Freedom of the press!
He is a good guy in real life.
Who wants to help?