Ew. Via Tzpkcht Kzmsrskstlrz @ Flickr.
I have, on any number of occasions, bought the Dude a pair of drawers. Because they were funny (boxers with robots on them!) or sexy (mind your own beeswax) or whatever. In doing this, I’m part of the vast majority of women who are the primary knicker-shoppers for their male intimates. According to a poll conducted by Debenhams, a UK department store, anyway.
Guys choose their own man-gerie for a relatively brief (geddit?) period of time–the college years, roughly, and Debenhams poll seems to have determined that this is driven by young men’s desire for access to even more underpants: those worn by hot chicks–and of course, the hot chicks who wear them. Once settled into a relationship with one of these hot chicks and her panties, goes the thinking, men’s foundation shopping precipitously declines.
So, underwear buying is done by Moms and Ladyfriends or Wives, not by Dudes? Color me unsurprised. Most buying is done by Moms and Ladyfriends or Wives (and Sisters, and yes, even Hot Chicks). Shopping–for groceries, for birthday cards, for unmentionables–is coded as a feminine activity. Care-taking, maintenance of daily living: ditto.
That dudes do step up the the plate in their early 20s might be a sign of peacocking (31 pairs o’ pants a year?), or may simply represent the absence of a woman willing to step into his life as Chief Brief (and other Humbling Things) Officer.
The Reuters story I first read on this spins this labor as a privilege, a stamp of Dudely approval: “If he lets you buy his underpants, you’re The One.” “Lets”? Quick survey: are any of you out there positively slavering to spend your money on scanties for a fella? Are you waiting for that all-important “Honey, I feel like we’re ready to take the next step. Would you…go to Kmart and pick up a 3-pack of Y-fronts for me?” conversation? And does this thrilling stage come before or after you have a key to his place?
And does that mean that Moms are “The One”? Someone’s Freudian slip (no doubt purchased at Debenhams) is showing.
The final quote does attempt to frame this as a socio-political issue, although not very successfully: “This is the one issue that feminism has never addressed,” [Debenhams Head of Men's Accessories Buying, Rob] Faucherand said. “It’s not who wears the pants in each household — it’s who has to buy them that counts.”
There’s feminism, falling down again, failing to solve every single problem of every single woman ever, never supplying a Grand Unification Theory of How to Make Your Life Completely Without Conflict, Difficulty, or Annoyance. And you thought the big question on this topic was “boxers or briefs.”
I refuse to buy underwear for my partner. I don’t do his laundry (even though he does mine occasionally), buy cards for his family, or serve him dinner while he waits at the table. Occasionally (ok, very rarely) I worry about being petty. More frequently I worry that it’s all futile and I’ll eventually morph into his mommy anyway.
This is the one issue that feminism has never addressed
Maybe because men’s underwear is the LEAST of our problems?
I have been known to purchase drawers for the menz in my life. But it was usually because I was tired of seeing frayed tightie whiteys and figured that instead of nagging, I could just gift them a few pairs of CK boxer briefs. And yes, if there was lingerie they wanted to see me in, they were welcome to purchase it on my behalf. Win-win for everyone.
@Becky, I’m torn between nagging and doing. If he should do something himself, because he’s a grown-up, then I’m going to tell him that. (Also, ok not all men, but a lot of men play this game of chicken, not doing something because they know eventually you’ll do it for them, thus setting a precedent.) But because heterosexual gender relations are like one endless bad sitcom, a woman asking a man to do something is de facto nagging him.
It’s the one issue, huh? I didn’t know feminism has addressed quantum mechanics and the Great Vowel Shift. Guess I should look up that volume of The Second Sex.
I didn’t know this was an issue at all, actually. Sometimes I do my boyf’s laundry and sometimes he does mine. We nag at a roughly equal rate. And we both buy our own underwear.
I recently had my first underwear buying excursion. I needed some new undies and my husband had been whining about needing new ones. So I picked him up some whilst at Target.
It was a little weird wandering into the small men’s section and trying to find the right ‘kind’. But since we usually go to Target together, i knew what i was looking for (i.e. we have in the past picked him up some when we are there for other things).
So, I guess I’ve crossed some kind of line now. Oh noes, I bought him underwear. Really, we both needed another pack because we weren’t quite making it to the 3 week mark on laundry. And when you are still hauling it to the laundromat, baby, that extra 3 pack can make all the difference.
I desperately longed to purchase manties whilst a lonely single gal.
Now my life is complete!
@Spark: I tend to think of it as one of those issues in a relationship where if one party cares a lot, they can make it their responsibility. A man has the right to wear whatever he wants, including holey underwear. If I don’t like it, I can always buy him some that I do like.
I went through the same thing with a boyfriend who didn’t like the fact that I left my cereal boxes lined up on the counter. I told him if he didn’t like it, he was welcome to change it, but I wouldn’t because it was okay by me. A day later, glass containers from the Container Store appeared on my counter, filled with my Cheerios and granola. He was happy, I was happy.
Nagging your partner to change is nearly always a lose-lose proposition.
Becky. I’m with you 100%. I buy my partner NEW underwear to save myself the unpleasantness of looking at his OLD underwear. Have I become his mother OR am I just saving my eyes from seeing shabby underwear? I believe I’m saving myself.
De-lurking with TMI here.
My husband’s underwear were terrible. They were so bad I once asked him why he didn’t just go commando style while we were folding laundry. Seriously, the hole was so big they were pretty much assless and he was folding them up to wear them again. He was also adament that I not buy him new ones. Maybe he thought I’d buy him nothing but thongs or boxers with pugs on them. Anyway, I guess it was kind of nagging but, I pulled out the old “what if you get into an accident ploy” with a slight twist: when I get to the hospital the staff will be looking at ME as if I’m a terrible person because he was wearing such holey undies. “Oh, what a poor man! His awful wife won’t even keep him in decent undies.” He did eventually buy new ones on his own. To be fair this was not long after we were married and both employed. Perhaps he was still in the broke college student mindset.
I think my husband and I buy his underwear about equally, but he’s never gotten me underwear (unless it was sexy lingerie that was really for him (and he’s pretty conflicted about whether that’s really ok, so it doesn’t happen often)). On the other hand, I’ve never gotten a pair of pajamas for myself – he always gets them for me. Does that mean I’m oppressing him?
I definitely do most of the household shopping, but his clothes are his department. Picking up a pack of boxers or socks when he adds them to the list on the fridge is one thing. He’s a grown man, and outside of holiday gifts or really good sales, I’m not going to pick out his shirts. Heck, I usually let my toddler pick his own shirts, I certainly expect it from my adult male.
@Becky – I agree with the nagging to change sentiment. It never works.
I haven’t bought the significant other any undergarments but gone shopping with him to help choose some that we both like.
He has, however, bought me some. But then, I seem to be the person pictured in that article, I started buying underwear when I was living by myself, relying on the kindness of my mum and siblings whilst younger. I’m the one that still has underwear that I wear from when I was 16, and the comfy briefs that are falling to pieces.
@Vas: That cracks me up. I bet some of it was broke student mindset and some if it is that he, like most dudes, JUST DOESN’T CARE.
@EM: Sounds like you’re saving yourself from ugly underwear, which is perfectly valid reason, IMO!
@Becky: Probably. That’s not quite what I was used to growing up. My dad would trash underwear with the tiniest of holes along a seam because he didn’t want anyone in the locker room at work to see him in holey undies.
I buy the underwear because I care and he doesn’t. It’s easiest for me to just toss a pack in when I’m at the department store. That being said, he does most of the laundry, and dishes.
I’m actually surprised by this story. I just assumed that most men buy their own skivvies. Then again, my fiance is super picky about clothes (he’ll reject socks if he doesn’t like them), and prefers to do his own shopping. We had a holey underwear situation once, but that was just because he was too busy, tired, and distracted by work to make it to the mall to buy new ones in a timely fashion. I offered to do it for him, and he was like, nope.
I’m always kind of fuzzy on the “nagging” line; I know that my dude is generally fairly oblivious with regards to his appearance. So I have taken to letting him know (usually just once) that this shirt is really too big on him, or that the color of those pants clashes pretty badly with that of the shirt, or whatever. Because otherwise, he’s unaware. If he looks at it and says, “eh, don’t see it/don’t care/wearing it anyway,” that’s fine with me, and take pains to let him know that. Helping? Hurting? Not sure…
I did successfully manage to change a sartorial habit of his that I really hated – knee-high socks with shorts. I pointed out someone else wearing the same combo, and told him that was what he looked like. He said “oh.”
Ok, maybe I’m the only one living in a bad sitcom.
What I was trying to say: being a woman, anytime you ask a guy to do something, you’re already halfway to nagging. The stereotype is so ingrained.
‘course I buy the underwear and the undershirts. 6-10 of each, plus socks every year for Father’s Day. Ratty underwear bothers me less than undershirts with yellow armpits.
@rodriguez, I hear you with that one!
@rodriguez: Ew, yeah, I agree about the undershirts.
@VaS: that’s great! Very imaginative thinking.
I do virtually all the shopping in our family. We have a pretty traditional arrangement in that way-I shop, he fixes stuff. (But I get to tell him who to vote for.) The only retail establishment I can remember Mr MM entering in the last 5 years is Dick’s, other than an occasional foray into the grocery store. I’d love to get him some new underwear, but he likes them old and stretched out. It’s his body, but I wish they’d stop getting twisted around the washing machine agitator.
@Unpossible: It took my 4 years to concvince my BF that anything other than ankle socks with shorts looks REALLY dumb. He is now quite the convert!
In our house, my BF actually buys *me* the panties because I just don’t really care. So every year for my birthday and again for Christmas I get a bunch of new pairs of nice new cotton undies.
In general, he does all the cooking (I’m sous chef, which I quite like). While we share laundry and dishes, he is typically the one to initiate such chores. Also, we always do grocery shopping together. Of course, we don’t have any kids, so that makes some of this division easier, i.e. we can almost always both go to the grocery store together.
@Unpossible: “Oh”, that cracked me up! My husband is exactly the same, completely oblivious when it comes to his appearance. But he finally realises this and now he often asks my opinion before we go out.
It is true that my mother buys all the underpants not only for my dad, but also for my 28 year old brother (who is currently living with them, but who even during periods of his life when he has had his own apartment relied upon occasional gifts from the Hanes fairy to clothe his behind). My boyfriend, however, does buy his own underwear, and for that I am thankful. Once when we were shopping together and he stopped to pick up a pack of boxer briefs, I told him then that part of the reason I’d chosen to be in a relationship with him was that it would never occur to him not to buy his own underpants.
(For the record, I have bought all my own underwear since I left home to go to college – partly because I wanted some panties that were prettier than the standard Hanes Her Way cotton briefs my mom would pick out).
I sometimes buy my husband’s underwear, but just as often we’re together when we do it. I usually buy my own, but he’ll give me those VS coupons for free panties, saying I could really use some new ones. Which is true. I don’t think he’s ever bought me lingerie by himself, mostly out of fear of getting the wrong size. He knows I’m particular. Besides, he only likes plain black – no lace, no nothing – and I find that too boring except for a couple of pieces. So I usually want to buy my own – he’s never going to pick out the fancy ones I like.
As for why guys buy so many pairs of underwear when they’re single, I think it’s obvious: they don’t do laundry. Either they just wear it and throw it out, or they delay doing it so long that they end up buying more. And more. I’ve been known to do that myself if I just couldn’t make it to the laundromat for a couple of weeks (back before I had my own washer & dryer, which number among my favorite purchases ever). Once they hit relationship-land, they’re either shamed into doing laundry for a while, or they have someone to do it for them. Problem solved. (Mr. Elibard being a huge exception in this case – he does most of the laundry, cleaning and cooking – hallelujah!)
This is what happens when we step out of our traditional roles: my husband read the food section this morning and decided that we should have a heritage turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. Of course, I’m the one who has to learn to cook the thing. Pray for me, harpies!
elibard: I think that’s a much better/more sensible reason (or the reason behind the reason) for the spike in buying drawers: the laundry factor. Not that they want the latest fashion in bulge-flattering cotton-blends, but that they don’t have (or want to spend) the time on keeping their pants spring-flower-fresh.
And MM: we have got a thread for you this afternoon…