The Harpy House (as envisioned by BeckySharper). Via bettyroland @ Flickr.
In my last Room of One’s Own post I wrote about the phenomenon of women’s residences, and how we strike the balance between solitude, independence, and community.
I’m lucky enough to have my own apartment in a big co-op building with a few Gladwellian “connectors”, who bring everyone together. Some of my neighbors have become good friends and not only is it fun to just walk downstairs for a party, I’m reassured to know that if I got sick at 2 AM, I could count on them to drag my ailing carcass to the ER.
But for the first seven years I lived in New York, I lived in a building where I didn’t really know my neighbors beyond an occasional “hi there.” My friends were scattered around the five boroughs, and they reported feeling similarly estranged from their immediate neighbors. Urban life is often alienating, leaving people socially disconnected in spite of close physical proximity. We’ve come a long way from the days when people tended to stay within a few miles of where they were born. That eminent observer of human interactions, Jane Austen, wrote: “three or four families in a country village is just the thing to work on.” That’s easy for her to say; there are two bustling country villages just in my building alone. And while I like having my own space, and consider it a hallmark of my independence, I don’t want to be a hermit (at least, not all the time).
Turns out I’m not the only one. A co-housing movement has sprung up in Brooklyn whose goal is to bring like-minded people together in a insta-community. I’ve watched their story unfold (really good link!) because I’m fascinated by the possibilities co-housing offers.
Their website proclaims the following:
We are a group of people who want the option for greater community life where we live. We are creating a more cooperative co-op apartment building; we include families with children, single people, couples and retirees. We expect to share resources & interests (for example share child care, offer some weekly common meals (optional), share tools, skills and interests etc) while each owning our own fully equipped private apartments.
Cohousing is a nice balance between privacy and community.
Sounds cool, right? Their mission is to recreate what small communities of multi-generational households always did for our ancestors. Children and elderly were taken care of, resources were pooled, common needs fulfilled, and there’s always someone around to hang out with. In midst of this, members of this community still have a room of their own. For many people, it sounds like the best of both worlds (if you like your neighbors).
In some ways this is not unlike the Harpy House we semi-seriously talk about having for ourselves in our old age, or the two-family Huxtable-style brownstone I’m determined to buy so that MamaSharper and Bigstepdaddy can come live with me. As independent and self-sufficient as we might be–both things, after all, are key goals of the feminist movement–humans are fundamentally social animals, especially the female of the species.
Our need for community also increases as we age. I think this is a vital issue for women, since we have longer lifespans and are likely to outlive the men in our lives. It’s also possible that even if we have children, they won’t be a part of our daily existence. Because our society is more fragmented–with children living in different cities than their parents–and life expectancies are much longer than in previous generations, caring for ourselves as we age has become a challenge in a way that it was not for our foremothers, who lived with their extended families until their deaths. I would also exclude retirement communities as truly beneficial co-housing. Yes, they provide organized living and medical care, but with a significant downside; research shows that frailty syndrome sets in earlier and hits harder among elderly living in retirement communities where they are surrounded by people of the same age and similarly failing health. The main cause seems to be psychological rather than physical. I have seen distressing examples of this in my own family, and as a result, I will never move into a retirement community, no matter how posh.
Co-housing, on the other hand, provides the kind of intergenerational socialization and helping hands that increase lifespan and quality of life for the elderly. For proof, look no further than Roman Catholic nuns, who have always lived in intergenerational co-housing communities where younger sisters help to care for older sisters, and where the older sisters tend to have significantly longer, more active lives than the average population. David Snowdon’s famous Nun Study posits that one of the reasons for nuns’ longevity is the close emotional bonds and practical care-giving that those communities encourage.
An additional lure of co-housing for women is the fact that the burden of caring for children and the elderly always falls disproportionately on us. Co-housing might provide an effective solution. Having available neighborly help can save a lot of wear and tear on marriages, finances, and family relationships.
So what do you think? Does a co-housing arrangement like the Brooklyn model work for you? Is your need for privacy greater than your enjoyment of community? Should we just make the Harpy House a Harpy Compound and save you a room? Tell us in the comments…
I love the idea of intentional communities. My friends and I are always talking about living in a Golden Girls house when we get older. But right now I live with one of my best friends almost as a family unit. We’ve been roommates for four years, which some people might find strange for late-twenties professionals, but it has allowed us to live in better neighborhoods and nicer apartments than we could otherwise afford. We have also co-adopted a dog, which neither one of us could take care of or afford on our own. Plus we have that easy, instant companionship that only comes with living with someone. As a single woman, I am very aware of the need to intentionally forge bonds and create community in my own life, and luckily, for the most part, I’ve been able to do that.
Co-housing would drive me insane-I want to be able to close the door and keep people out. But for those with the right personality, I think it’s a very cool idea.
Becky, can I put in a bid for a tower room in the Harpy House?
Wow. I’ve always loudly proclaimed my need to live completely alone. But the Harpy House sounds awesome! Maybe I could have the mother-in-law suite in back?!
Some friends and I sometimes talk about our own kind of Harpy House. We have always said we would work well because we complement each other personality-wise but have similar core values (and compatible habits, work-ethic and cleanliness-wise!) I think it’s a great arrangement for all the reasons you mentioned, but I would be very choosy about who I would live with, so I’d prefer it to be one I co-set up than an already existing project.
The only problem for me is that I might not end up living in the same city as these friends.
This is EXACTLY what a friend and I have wanted for years – we could just sort of smoosh our families/S.O.s and pets together, but have our own space, because frankly we’re Golden Girls addicts and that show could teach everyone a lesson or two about being an aging lady and sharing your life with friends-as-family as you age together. But I’d have to have a porch with matching rocking chairs.
(The main problem isn’t finding compatible people, it’s the fact that everyone I know is scattered all over the country and world. Bummer.)
My house is a little too small for my expanding family, but we will never, ever move. We have the most awesome next door neighbors (and more distant neighbors) in the world. On one side, we have a couple whose son is a little younger than us, but lives in Boston. It’s like having a spare set of grandparents. Today I’m dropping off my son with almost no notice so that I can vacuum and shampoo the carpets without a toddler underfoot. They babysit joyfully, keep toys in their hall closet, and feed our cats when we’re gone. All they ask in return is that we water their plants and drop in with beer and desserts.
Once a week or so we get together with two other neighbor families with young children, pick a theme, and have a potluck dinner. These people also trade babysitting for date nights and hand down toys and clothes. Plus, they all have girls, so they insure my son plays with dolls and wants to wear pink.
We also have good sidewalks, stores in walking distance, and a great playground. All in all, I’m never leaving this place.
On the other hand, I’m not sure there’s any force on earth that would make me willing to share a kitchen.
My mother’s best friend died about five years ago. When, a year later, my father died, my mother was, of course, shattered. But she told me once that she always assumed she would outlive her husband. She just thought Becky would be alive and they would live together after he was gone, and that made losing him much worse.
Co-housing sounds amazing. And that’s sort of what we tried with one friend, unfortunately when that friend’s expectations are that you take care of them and all they have to do is take your rent and be there… there are issues.
However, we are giving it the old college try with another friend who’s ideology is more closely suited to ours. But I think it would be awesome to have, say, an apartment building that really was a community.
The kind of co-housing that they’ve got going sounds really awesome. Especially with regards to the inter-generational aspect. Our society has segregated the generations so much – what with the “nuclear family” and retirement communities and whatnot. It’s amazing how much each age group discounts the experiences and knowledge of the rest – with us young ‘uns refusing to learn from our parents/grandparents, and with the parents/grandparents flippantly discounting us, too. I’ve been lucky enough to have an excellent relationship with my paternal grandparents that I think I’ve mostly escaped this, but I see that disconnect in my demographic a lot (I’m 22).
I love the idea of co-housing because it combines the awesome parts of living in a house co-op with the awesome parts of living in your own dwelling. No sharing a kitchen, but hey, you and your neighbors are all there to help each other out.
My exbf’s family started a cohousing community on part of what used to be their family farm land. They built 19 independent houses, owned by the residents, and a common house for recreation and frequent meals. I lived there for a summer, spent tons of time there during our three year relationship…. What I loved was the sense of sharing and community, intergenerational quality time, always someone to talk to, kids to play with…what I couldn’t stand was the small-town feel of everyone knowing my business. When my ex and I were trying to find a place to live for that summer, it got brought up at a common house meeting. The upside was hey, we found a place, the downside was that we walked in to a roomful of strangers (to me) discussing our future.
That said, with the right people, it wouldn’t feel like an intrusive thing. I like the idea of an urban family, conveniently located, especially since my biological family is spread out across the country.
definately save a room for me, though I do come with a lot of books and not too many bookshelves. And if there’s outside space, I have a partial green thumb…
The co-housing idea seemed to be what my mum did whilst we were all growing up. Both my mum and dad were migrants, so we didn’t have an extended “blood” family network. What we did have was an extended network of people who cared for and helped each other out – adopted grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc if you will.
Sign me up for a room. Husband would never go for it – his ideal home is an abandoned missile silo with 150 acres and noone around, but a good internet connection. But I fully expect to outlive him, so I’ll need a room that can take a dog, too. I’m death on plants, but good with animals, so can sign up for husbandry duty (hee hee!).
I love the idea of co-housing, but on a smaller scale than what’s described in the article. I had a friend who once talked about getting a group together to buy a multi-unit apartment building (with 6 or so units, not 30!) and create a more community-oriented living environment. We’d babysit each others’ kids, have big communal BBQs, help each other out when we were sick, etc., but everyone would have their own space (and kitchen) to retreat to. I thought it sounded brilliant. These days, my best friend (who’s married to my fiance’s brother) and I would settle for apartments in the same city, instead of living in different states as we have for the last few years.