Gentle readers, I think we have a winner. 2009 ain’t over just yet, but today on CNN I encountered a personal essay that combines many of the things I frequently write about: women, relationships, skeevy dudes, language, the need to be a bitch and Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” Unfortunately, it brings them together into one howlingly dumbass, poorly reasoned, cringe-worthy essay so dire that I can hardly believe CNN ran it.
From CNN’s occasional relationship columnist Audrey Irvine, I bring you: “A Boyfriend is No Defense From Being Hit On.”
Well, duh. Who said it was? Who said it was supposed to be?
But believe it or not, the title is actually the most well-reasoned part of the article, whose lede is:
When did the term “boyfriend” become obsolete? I must have somehow missed the memo.
I was unaware that it had. But wait until you see why she’s asking:
One day, I was at the mall running errands when I heard a persistent “excuse me” that got louder and closer the faster I walked. I slowed down, realizing this guy was speaking to me.We make eye contact, and he says, “Did you know you are beautiful?” I never know how to answer that; it always feels like a trap. If I say “yes,” I’m arrogant. If I say “no,” then I seem like I’m being coy, begging for compliments. I simply reply, “Thanks.”
“Mr. Excuse Me” continues walking with me, then after a couple of more questions asks if he could have my phone number. Hesitantly I reply, “I have a boyfriend.”
His response throws me for a loop. This man counters with, “Oh that’s fine. I just want to get to know you and really broaden your mind to the possibilities.”
What? Are you serious? Where in this scenario of me, the boyfriend and you would the broadening of my mind occur? I’m sure my boyfriend would love to know that in addition to the overpriced moisturizer and unnecessary fall lip gloss, I managed to pick up a potential male friend who wants to broaden my mind.
Audrey, are YOU fucking serious? This dude is harrassing you and yet your main concern is that he’s not showing enough respect for your boyfriend? He’s not showing any respect for YOU!
Ideally Audrey would be able to tell the harasser to fuck off, instead of protesting: I belong to someone else. But no…apparently Audrey cannot bring herself to tell the guy she’s not interested–or simply walk away. Instead she has to invoke the POWER OF THE BOYFRIEND. Then she gets upset when the magic words “I have a boyfriend” fail to run him off.
The reason they fail to run him off, of course, is that he’s a skeevy guy. Period. It’s really that simple: skeevy guys don’t give a shit about whether you have a boyfriend. Skeevy guys just need to be ignored or told to fuck off.
But instead of seeing this situation for what it is–an unfortunate but standard case of harassment–Audrey decides to expand it into a diatribe about how no one respects people unless they’re married. For this, Audrey blames…Beyonce. Yes, Beyonce. And the US Census. To wit:
It isn’t enough these days to say you have a boyfriend. Let’s see whom can we blame for this?
I blame Beyoncé. That’s right, Beyoncé.
What started out as a nice dance song to shake your butt this summer has managed to erode away that beautiful stage after dating and before marriage — the boyfriend.
“Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” has become a pop culture phenomenon. It has been mimicked in hundreds of incarnations on YouTube, even recently in an episode of “Glee.” But somehow our obsession with the “put a ring on it” mentality has made the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend one that no longer warrants respect.
The catchy line, “If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it” has become a sword for some women — a weapon that they wield at men challenging their relationship. I guess no ring means the relationship is no longer valid. “Mr. Excuse Me” probably figured no ring equals no real relationship.
After all, why would anyone consider a boyfriend a commitment, right? Consider according to the U.S. Census Bureau in 2008, 95.9 million people 18 and older are unmarried.
Even more staggering, 53 percent of those unmarried Americans are women. With those numbers, it’s a wonder anyone would think that a committed relationship would have any validity. Many people simply think that a boyfriend is an audition for a commitment.
Even if you can ignore the alternately whiny, sarcastic, entitled tone of the author, the article is still some of the most twisted, shallow, completely illogical writing/reasoning I’ve read in years. To wit:
- “Single Ladies” glorifies having a wedding ring and being married and is responsible for the entire nation having no respect for unmarried relationships. (I don’t know if Audrey’s ever actually listened to the lyrics of “Single Ladies”, because the song is actually glorifies being single, not being married. But that fact doesn’t stop her from drawing the conclusion she wants to make.)
- This national disrespect for unmarried people–boyfriends in particular–is known to be true because Audrey told a skeevy guy at the mall that she had a boyfriend and he wouldn’t leave her alone. That isolated incident is obviously representative of all of American culture.
- Speaking of American culture, stats from the Census Bureau confirm that lots of Americans–like Audrey–choose not to get married.
- Beyonce sings about being unmarried; most Americans have heard her music and therefore, Beyonce is to blame for America’s complete lack of respect for unwed relationships (as represented by a single exchange with a skeevy guy at the mall.)
- Such as.
It’s bad enough that Audrey thinks she has to prove she’s “taken” when she wants a man to leave her alone. I don’t know why she felt she couldn’t tell him “I’m not interested”–or just say nothing and walk away. But to make the entire incident into one big self-serving whine about how no one respects her relationship–and thefore by extension, everyone else’s unmarried relationship–and then try to blame it on one pop song and rope in some random stats in a completely useless effort to lend her rant some socio-cultural significance…well, it’s a FAIL on pretty much every level. Seriously, CNN, this is the best you come up with?
But since Audrey goes out of her way to malign it, this seems like as good a reason as any to link to the Fiercest Video Ever. You’re welcome.
One of my favorite Harpy things evah is when you all do a take-down of stupid-ass editorial. There was another one recently that had me guffawing at my desk. I just love this so much. It makes me feel sane in an insane world. Thanks Becky!
That said, one of my biggest pet peeves is when women don’t stand up for themselves and hide behind a “boyfriend.” If he was skeeving her out, she should have let him know that in no uncertain terms.
Orchidtheif, that must have been PhDork’s takedown of that “I’m not a feminist” thing from O Magazine. That was classic. I think Dork’s even funnier than I am when she does those take-downs.
But glad you like them! There’s so much dumbass stuff out there–it’s a self-renewing resource.
And yeah, it really pissed me off that Audrey couldn’t stand up for herself. I don’t like to call other women out for cowardice, because we all have different comfort levels, but she was in a public place and it didn’t sound like he was menacing her, so she should have just ignored him or told him to fuck off.
Becky, I actually LIVE for this kind of stuff happening to me bc then I get to practice my “bitch.” I can’t do that at work and I don’t want to do it with loved ones but creepy guys? Hell yeah!
Doesn’t the “staggering” number of unmarried people actually point to the fact that we’re more likely to be flexible in how we understand commitment? Permanently unmarried, living together, etc.
Ohhhh… street harrassers. Obviously, personal safety is number-one, but in very crowded/well-lit street situations, I LOVE to flip the power dynamic by counter-shaming, usually in the form of sexually degrading insults or mother-hen scolding. Because catcalling like rape is about POWER, and stealing it.
I got catcalled JUST last night walking to the grocery store by two kids in a huge posse of older teen boys: “oh, girl, shake that sweet thing, yeah!” sort of crap.
I quick-read the situation, decided I could get my kicks in, stopped and said “Excuse me?” And they silenced. Then I said, “Do you know when you speak that disrespectfully to women, you’re just advertising the fact that you’re a dickless, pathetically insecure little shit who never gets laid?”
At which point the rest of the boypack cackled, turning on the two catcallers, and I took off.
I feel like the strong implication here is that if she didn’t have a boyfriend and she was approached by Mr. Skeeze, she wouldn’t have had any option to not go out with him. It’s like, the only possible reason a woman can have for turning down a guy is because another guy has already “staked his claim”.
I can sort of sympathize with Irvine’s reaction of telling the guy she has a boyfriend instead of just saying she’s not interested. Women are socialized to always be nice, often to their own detriment. The urge not to be a bitch can be really hard to overcome.
Plus, if I tell someone I have a boyfriend, what I mean is “So I’m not interested in getting to know you as a potential mate”, not “Well, it’s unfortunate for you that I already belong to someone else.”
That said, never have I seen someone jump to such a flawed conclusion from the facts at hand. A skeevy guy isn’t going to care whether your current significant other is your boyfriend or your husband; in fact, I’ve encountered some men who relish bagging a woman with a wedding ring as some kind of challenge. It has nothing to do with a collective lack of respect for unmarried people and everything to do with the unwarranted sense of entitlement that some men feel to women’s time, attention, and bodies.
Seriously, how the hell did she manage to tie Beyonce into all of this?
I’m with you that this article is WAY off. The problem is that this guy was disrespecting her (the boyfriend should really be a moot point).
However, I think it’s expecting a lot to say she (and all women) should not to go the “I’m married” or “I have a boyfriend” route.
Whenever a guy approaches me, I always go that route because it (usually) works. And frankly, this guy who demanded her attention even tough she was walking quickly and was non-responsive to him (at first) has already shown that he is not going to respect an “I’m not interested” from her. Personally in her situation, I’d be a little afraid to say “I’m not interested” (or any version of it) because this too often garners the “why not, are you a stuck up bitch” response, and like I said that reaction is plain scary because I don’t know what this man is capable of at this point.
So saying “I’m married” or “I have a boyfriend” may not have the right reasons behind it, but it is often the safest, easiest response. Anyone who uses this excuse is fine by me.
That being said, that Irvine wrote was pure shit.
I am guilty of this. But for me it usually works, and I think am entitled to do or say whatever I want in order to get a harasser to leave me alone. But then, I’m not writing stupid op-eds about Beyonce either, so I don’t really feel bad.
Ah yes, men should not harass us because we belong to other men, not because we already said we didn’t want a date. Nothing deters a harasser — not boyfriends, husbands, or girlfriends and wives as far as i can tell.
1.) That video makes me love myself and Beyonce so much every time. She has well-muscled thighs! And a butt! And so do both her dancers! They even jiggle a bit!! It’s beautiful to see women who actually look healthy and strong!
2.) That article was so full of b.s. that I’m also shocked that CNN ran it….also, the boyfriend thing doesn’t work on creepy dudes. Saying “If you don’t leave me along right now I’ll call security/punch in your throat/any other threat that’s fierce” usually works better. Or just pulling a can of mace…or ignoring him and keeping it moving. It’s not a cultural phenomenon that he ignored the boyfriend comment…she stopped, thus giving creepy guy a moment to be creepy. That’s it.
I can sympathize with using “I have a boyfriend” because sometimes you just want the easiest way out of the situation. That said, I can assure Ms. Irvine that not only do I have a patriarchy-approved diamond on my finger, I also travel with a toddler. Neither discourages a truly creepy street harasser one bit. A truly creepy guy doesn’t give a damn if you’re “taken” because he wants power of you in that instant, and your SO doesn’t take away from his power if the SO isn’t there.
About a year ago there was a guy who, I think, was worse because I had my kid with me, and that added a dimension of fear to my response.
Usually if I tell a guy, “Sorry, but I’m married,” it’s because if I weren’t, he’d have a chance.
If I think someone’s just skeeving, then he generally gets escalation from, “Not interested,” “Sorry, don’t date outside my species,” to “What part of fuck off do you not get, asshole?” and then the yelling starts. On at least one occasion, the yelling led to me waving a friends motorcycle helmet around over my head, threatening to beat the guy into next week with it if he didn’t get the fuck away from me right fucking now. “And then I’ll eat your soul, you dickless fuck!” was my parting rejoinder, as my buddy tried to rescue his helmet from my clutches.
This is why I don’t drink in public.
My friend whose helmet I was threatening the guy with was NOT the asshole, in case that wasn’t clear.
Personally, I prefer the Miss Manners approach:
1. A freezing glare right into his eyes accompanied by an equally icy “NO”, then walking confidently away.
2. If he persists, either beckoning the nearest security guard or taking out your cell phone and telling him you’re calling 911.
Sometimes I like to go with the random fake misunderstanding, like: No, thank you. I’m not interested in buying any magazines.
And then walking away.
@bellacoker – That is hilarious and I’m totally stealing it.
I don’t know why she felt she couldn’t tell him “I’m not interested”–or just say nothing and walk away.
I occasionally use the “I have a boyfriend,” line when I expect the follow up to be “God, you’re such a bitch,” plus some threatening invective. (It doesn’t happen often, but it’s pretty unsettling when it does.)
The “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m married” line, when it’s ignored (as it routinely is) has another level of creepy to it; there’s the whole “I have no fucking respect whatsoever for your ability to make romantic choices” that underlies ignoring that.
So, let’s say that she were married, and instead of “I have a boyfriend,” she said “I’m married.” A really skeezy harasser would not back off. My married girlfriends report that wedding rings are no deterrent to being harassed by random dudes – some say it actually seems to induce some guys to remark on it, asking things like “So, are you happy with your husband? Is he as good-looking as me?”.
It’s not about skeezy dudes disrespecting relationships, or disrespecting other men’s territory (which is a whole other effed up line of thinking) – it’s about skeezy dudes not respecting the right of women to ignore them.
And @ Bellacoker – I hope someone harasses me today so I can use this.
@Flackette: Exactly. The problem with skeevy dudes is their skeevyness, and that’s what they need to be called out on.
But what Audrey Levine does’t think her right to walk around in public without being harrassed by strange men is what’s important. It’s her right to be recognized as someone’s girlfriend that’s she’s desperate to defend.
Talk about a priority FAIL.
God, I wish I had enough self-confidence and self-assurance to just tell someone like that that I’m not interested.
For some of us, it’s not easy to do that. At all.
My standard response is that I’m married, which usually works. I guess I’ve never really been harassed by a super-creep, which is lucky.
My standard responses:
“I don’t speak English.”
“I only date celebrities.”
“I have herpes.”
“And then I’ll eat your soul, you dickless fuck!”
This is awesome.
1) Audrey, Imma let you finish, but Becky had the best blog post mocking you of all time. Best blog post of all time.
2) I am now listening to Single Ladies on repeat.
3) For those of you who, smartly, didn’t click through the link, I want you to know: her author picture is WITH HER BOYFRIEND. gag.
4) I have no problem with woman saying “I have a s.o” in an attempt to make someone go away. Criticizing a woman’s response to harassment in this way, strikes me as a victim-blaming. I think its important to encourage woman to be confident enough to tell a creep to eff off, but if she doesn’t feel comfortable standing up for herself, I don’t think we should blame her.
[...] last I wrote about Audrey Irvine, author of the erstwhile CNN column “Relationship Rants”, she was blaming everyone from [...]
[...] thinking and twisted “insights,” I crowned two of them the Most Ridonkulous Op-Eds of 2009 and 2010. But today, lo and behold, I found myself agreeing with one! SRSLY. Please mark this [...]