@Anka: Well, reading through a list of symptoms, a lot of them fit, but some (impulsive behavior) don’t. And, since she’s been in therapy, and you’d think if there was a diagnosis there she would have got it by now… But in any case, the experience of dealing with someone with these kinds of problems, whether they’re pathological or not, is universally frustrating. Thanks for sharing your situation, and I’m glad that you have come to peace with it.

Anonyma–is it possible that your mother might have Borderline Personality Disorder? My (late) mother did, and I found this website that was even more helpful for me than the therapy I’ve occasionally had access to over the years:

http://www.bpdfamily.com

I’m the only person in our family, nuclear or extended, who acknowledges that my mother was (physically, emotionally, etc., but especially emotionally) abusive, even though some people have witnessed it, and I’ve been shunned by some people as a result, and stay away from others out of a sense of self-preservation. It took a while to stabilize emotionally after going no-contact with her, but for me at least, it’s been the right decision. I don’t want to carry the shame that ought to be hers.

I had to take this tactic with a couple family members whose behavior I find toxic and hurtful. My mental health and peace of mind is my highest priority. I finally learned that I have to take care of myself. That means I choose NOT to be around people who hurt me or make me unhappy with their emotional manipulation, toxicity or abuse. I know the fact that your mom’s dependent on you makes it difficult to extricate yourself entirely…have you sought help from a therapist? They can help you learn to set boundaries–not only with your mom, but in terms of understanding what your limits are and when your self-protective instincts should kick in.

In general, no one should ever have to apologize for self-protecting.

I don’t want to threadjack and am hesitant about writing this next bit – you can delete it if you think it doesn’t fit. But basically, DangerMouse’s comment made me think about the question of emotional abuse. My mother is emotionally abusive and has been for many years – I think she has serious mental problems. She’s also very dependent on me emotionally, which makes the situation very difficult. Some people have suggested to me that it would be good to limit contact, but the thing is, I find emotional abuse much less clear-cut than physical, and of course it is such a close relationship, where I feel such a sense of responsibility, that I don’t know what to do. Right now, I try to live my own life, set boundaries where I can, and see her behavior in a compassionate light as much as I can (she really does not understand what she is doing), but it’s hard to know “what’s right”. So I’d be interested in hearing others’ viewpoints on how to deal with emotional abuse, too – as I said, only if you feel that’s appropriate.