Comments on: Unmarried to Each Other*

By: jp

jp — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 19:51:29 +0000

PhDork, are you me? In this post you’ve just articulated stuff I’ve been thinking for lo these 30 years of my adulthood.

By: HistoricUpstart

HistoricUpstart — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 22:36:06 +0000

Nimue, I’m so sorry that happened to you. You just described most of the reasons I want to get legally hitched, besides the health insurance and adoption aspects. Like I said earlier, my dude’s mom died very suddenly last summer, and it really brought the importance of all that legal stuff into the forefront. To my knowledge, there isn’t a more patriarchy-friendly alternative to marriage in MN, so I’m happy to take the easy way out for a little peace of mind.

By: Nimue

Nimue — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:46:52 +0000

I lost my husband unexpectedly at 28, and I was glad that we were legally married. It meant that I could get copies of his death certificate, get the death benefit from Social Security, and could access his bank and retirement accounts. After all I had been through, I didn’t need anymore hassles or money woes than I already had.

Of course, it also meant I had to sign for the cremation.

By: Jex

Jex — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:56:16 +0000

I have a suggestion in line with the back-and-forth about how weddings don’t create or fundamentally change a social unit. Maybe people should have a party immediately when they become a social unit. It makes more sense to announce your change from “single” to “paired” immediately after having that talk. Makes it clear when the relationship officially goes from dating to more. There’s less potential for one person to get further into the relationship than the other when they know there is a clear line that has/has not been crossed.

By: Coisas que eu achei por aí « Contra indicações

Coisas que eu achei por aí « Contra indicações — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:37:48 +0000

[...] #Unmarried to each other – um texto que explica muito melhor do que eu poderia (vide post anterior) meu problema com casamentos. É mais um dos meus pontos de vista sobre coisas ridículas que deixam as pessoas horrorizadas. Eu fiquei muito feliz quando a minha irmã decidiu legalizar – porque como exemplifica o texto, é exatamente isso – o relacionamento dela com o obrigatório casamento civil e uma festa simples em casa. Sem vestido branco com cauda, véu e sessões de fotos (ugh). Aliás, nem convite de casamento teve – o casamento foi “organizado” em menos de um mês. O dinheiro que eles gastariam na festa? Minha irmã comprou um carro e eles reformaram a nossa cabana, abandonada há mais de uma década. Ano que vem, vão reformar o elefante branco que é a piscina que vem de brinde com a cabana. [...]

By: PennyArcadia

PennyArcadia — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 22:53:18 +0000

The first paragraph needs in addition: I mean in other people’s eyes.

By: PennyArcadia

PennyArcadia — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 22:51:03 +0000

I can relate to the emotional baggage of the term ‘wife’. There’s historical baggage as well. I don’t want to be someone’s wife, with all that historically entailed, because with anything other than ‘wife’ I feel I get to define the terms of our partnership more.

And there’s another thing. I believe people can go through life having multiple partners without that making any of those relationships any less worthwhile, any less meaningful, by the simple fact that they’re one of more, or by the fact that they’ve ended. So I’m hesitant to promise something I’m not sure I will fulfill, as if the relationship is worth less because I won’t promise I will try to make it last forever. I want it to last forever, now, and I’m pretty sure I want that in a few years from now. But if that changes, sad as that may be, it’s not necessarily a broken promise to me but more a fact of lives changing, people changing, and a real possibility that I can’t rule out. I’ll try, I know I will, but if we won’t make it I don’t want the extra pain on my conscience of breaking a promise I knew I never entirely believed I could keep.

Though I do wonder if that’s a fear of commitment speaking.

By: Naomi Eve

Naomi Eve — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 22:11:19 +0000

I found myself nodding my head and (in my mind) shouting “yes! yes!” and fist-pumping the air as I read this article. It reflects a lot of the discussion going on in my own relationship, and in my own mind (although I’m seriously considering a registry wedding – sign a paper, be happy in myself, and don’t share it with everyone who feels they have some sort of right to celebrate my relationship).

Ultimately, I wonder if you took the big wedding day away from people, how many would still want to Get Married.

By: PhDork

PhDork — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:54:54 +0000

Spark: I am a curmudgeon about weddings. I realize I am in the tiny minority which thinks that being in love, while very nice and a net good, doesn’t make you more important or interesting.

MM: I wouldn’t mind being made a fuss over if I thought the fuss was warranted–like, if I landed an excellent tenure-track job in this crap economy, I would want to celebrate the hell out of that. I would be thrilled to hear kind words of congratulations from friends and family. It would be a tremendous relief and the reaching of a long-held goal.

And sure, it’s nice to throw a party and get everybody together. I love house-warming parties (no gifts) because that’s about your guests: “hey y’all, we care about you and want you to feel welcome in our home. C’mon over and we’ll feed you.” Weddings are about the status of the bride and groom, and it’s a status whose value I question.

By: Spark

Spark — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:44:17 +0000

@PhDork: You said about parties: Even that feels…icky to me. Like, “YAY FOR US! WE ARE SPECIAL!” Maybe you meant specific kinds of parties/weddings, not weddings as a rule. This thread started to feel a bit curmudgeonly, but weddings don't need anyone to stick up for them, so I'll bow out.