logo

search

  • Home
  • About the Harpies
  • Contact Us
  • FAQ
delete
bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark bookmark

Bitches 1, Mansplainer, 0

Posted by BeckySharper in Thoughts, Activism, Anger, Assweasels, Be A Bitch, Great Male Narcissists, The Dinner Party From Hell on Dec 17, 2009, 6:57pm | 24 comments

Gentle readers, I know I said I was leaving you for a whole three weeks, but I simply couldn’t head off to India without sharing this story with you. Plus it’s snowing–yes, snowing–here in London and I would rather cozy up to my sister’s laptop than go out again.

Anyhoo…I just related to the Harpies the story of how I spent the last 36 hours at a friend’s country house with three other American houseguests, one of whom was a classic Man Who Explains Things; loud, rude, self-congratulatory, and determined to shed the light of his wisdom on us ladeez. He actually had the nerve to try to Mansplain to me the business I work in. Never mind that I have worked in this industry my entire career and have lectured about it at teaching fellowships around the world.

What made it all the more remarkable was the company in which he was pulling this shit. Our hostess–my friend of more than a decade–is a bestselling author and well-known feminist cultural critic for the BBC. Mansplainer is the husband of one of the American guests at this party and friend of the second, both over-50 feminist activists from Texas.

But still, inexplicably, they trailed this dickhead in their wake. After deigning to explain my life’s work to me, Mansplainer proceeded to derail nearly every conversation at the dinner table by interrupting to declaim his Male Opinion about the topic at hand–or about whatever topic he liked, if he deemed the one at hand to be insufficiently interesting to him. The lady who was not Mansplainer’s wife kept catching my eye and shaking her head at some of Mansplainer’s more florid pronouncements. His wife–and the hostess–looked mortified.

After an hour or two of this, I felt utterly trapped, and was ready to chew my foot off and flee into the night. It took every single bit of resolve on my part not to Be A Bitch. After all, I had to spend the night at this house and we were far out in the countryside, so there’s no way I could lob some verbal grenades and flee. Much as it pained me, I resolved to suffer in silence.

But then–O then!–Mansplainer went a step too far. We feminists were fuming about a number of recent injustices to Womanity and Roman Polanski’s name came up. I don’t need to tell you what we said about that. We were just about to move on in the conversation when Mansplainer boomed, “Not to defend him or anything, but some thirteen year olds can be a little slutty. I knew this girl in Venice Beach back in the seventies…”

My face flushed bright red and I could feel my gorge rise.

Even though I was a house guest, even though this was Mansplainer and Mrs. Mansplainer’s 30th anniversary party, even though he was a close friend of the hostess, I was going to have to Be A Bitch. There was so much wrongness in that statement, I simply could not let it go.

But before I could open my mouth, the other female guest beat me to it. She proceeded to rip Mansplainer a new one you could have driven a truck through. This righteous sister sits on the board of numerous charities for victims of domestic violence and sex trafficking and she was even angrier than I was. Plus, she’d known Mansplainer for nearly 30 years, so her vitriol carried a lot more weight than mine would have. For the record, the main points of her argument were:

1) “Slutty 13 year olds” only exist in (sick) male fantasies.

2)  A 13 year old having sex with a 44 year old is criminal sex abuse. Period.

3) Why did he, as a man approaching 60, still not understand these things, and what the fuck was wrong with him?

Since she had taken the initiative, I backed her up. So did the hostess. Every time he opened his mouth to protest–But some girls are just like that!–we were on him. Picture a pack of lionesses taking down a bleating, thrashing wildebeest. By the time we were done, Mansplainer was staring mournfully–but silently–into his wine glass. His wife, who had sat tense and purse-lipped the whole time, glared at him. The other guests just stared.

Talk about your buzzkill. After an extremely awkward pause, the hostess, with great English aplomb (and understatement), said, “Well, let’s turn to a lighter topic, shall we?” We talked of other things and then trundled off to bed. I couldn’t look Mansplainer in the eye for the rest of the evening, and I barely spoke to him at all the following day.

The lesson this young(er) feminist took away from the evening is that sometimes as women, we will encounter a situation where someone just needs to Get Told. These women, despite many decades of friendship with the Mansplainer, were not afraid to dress him down, ruin a dinner party and ruffle some feathers in defense of Womanity. I can only hope that when I’m in my sixties, I still have the ovaries to stand up to misogyny like that.

Bookmark and share this post:
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Google Bookmarks
  • De.lirio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Technorati
  • Tumblr
  • TwitThis
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • email

24 Responses to “Bitches 1, Mansplainer, 0”

  1. Blind Irish Pirate says:
    December 17, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Standing O. I learned from this.

  2. Josh says:
    December 17, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    I’m a Mansplainer, but I loved this.

    What his behavior says to me is that he gets away with this sort of thing all the time and his wife does not call him on it.

    When will smart women stop choosing men like me?

  3. VMT says:
    December 17, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    EXCELLENT! I love “Be a Bitch” stories- an encouragement to be one myself, when necessary!

    Also, ‘mansplain’ is my favorite new word of 2009. its true.

  4. GeekGirlsRule says:
    December 17, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Brava!!!!

    Having had to deal with a father who made comments about slutty adolescent girls while I was one, I applaud you.

  5. baraqiel says:
    December 17, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    @Josh – Okay, so…to ask the obvious question…if you know you do it, why don’t you stop?

    @Becky – Hardcore. And I respect your restraint, as well — it shows you had much more respect for your hostess than Mr. Mansplainer did.

  6. Elle says:
    December 17, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Right. On.

  7. mischiefmanager says:
    December 17, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    Becky, can you and your friends have a little chat with our so-called President? He could learn some lessons in Getting A Spine and Doing The Right Thing.

  8. tulin says:
    December 17, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    I really can’t count the amount of times I’ve laughed out loud at my computer screen because of all of you Harpies. I mean, the subtle wit of “Bitches 1, Mansplainer, 0″ is quite remarkable. So thank you, Ms. Sharper (and the rest of the Harpies) for keeping my giggles going.

  9. Ms. M says:
    December 17, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    My dad is a Mansplainer (also my fav. word of 2009). I really really appreciated the play by play of the whole situation. I think my dad could have kept going beyond what when guy did, and continue bringing up the topic for weeks to come as fodder for getting a rise out of any women (and annoyed men) in the room at the time. Is it any wonder I was always so exhausted from arguing the opposing point of view when I lived at home?

    Bitches unite! :)

  10. Mack says:
    December 17, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    I love how no experience is real or valid until it’s been (outside of teh wiminz, of course) mansplained.

    Does it, on any level ever, suck to have to have *all* of the answers, or does the egocentrism simply never factor in?

  11. yvanehtnioj says:
    December 17, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    I love it. As the lady who is always willing to kill the mood of a night out in the interests of Telling Off An Asshole, I understand your joy in being beaten to the punch by another woman at the table. Sometimes I’m girding my loins for the argument and resulting “well you could’ve just ignored him…” BS afterward, and having someone else ready and willing to do it before/instead of/with you? Is the best thing ever.

  12. Christina says:
    December 18, 2009 at 6:24 am

    Superb! One can only take so much…

  13. queenieinmanhattan says:
    December 18, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Well-played, and an excellent lesson for the upcoming holidays. Politeness is good up to a point, but sometimes people just need a big-ass talking-to.

  14. ImTheMarigold says:
    December 18, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Oh HELL YEAH! Fist pumping from a cubicle in DC!!!!

  15. viajera says:
    December 18, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Heh, I love it! Way to shut him down. But what exactly does a strong, independent, feminist woman see in a man like that? Never mind, I know the answer to that – I spent 6 years with a mansplainer (which, awesome word!). In private it was fun and challenging, because it kept me on my toes and my wits sharp and I could put him in his place more often than not, but in public he’d never cease to embarrass me.

  16. Endora says:
    December 18, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Awesome.

  17. thelady says:
    December 18, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Damn I love the term “mansplainer.” I know EXACTLY that feeling that surges through you. I am usually such a people pleasing head-nodder and every few years I meet a man like this and I cannot control myself. It’s a trigger for me! Good on ya!

  18. pandas says:
    December 19, 2009 at 1:07 am

    I always love reading your stories about “being a bitch” and of course, always try to stand up for myself (or end up kicking myself wishing I had if I didn’t work up the nerve). But in response to Becky’s last sentence, I would think that after 6 decades on earth I would have enough sense of self and practice to make sure I stood up to “mansplaining”! And especially considering that these women were friends, this man had to know what was coming, didn’t he? In regards to these longtime relationships, I am not sure I would be able to withstand so much mansplaining…perhaps he felt inadequate and threatened by such accomplished women around him?

  19. Amanda Marcotte says:
    December 20, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    Also: No matter how slutty a girl or woman is, even if she walks around naked and diddling herself, fucking her over her protests after drugging her to make it easier is rape. Period.

  20. Amanda Marcotte says:
    December 20, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Also, I have to point out how sad it is that the person telling off the asshole is the person who “ruined” the party, not the asshole for being an asshole. Though objectively, assholes ruin everything.

  21. BeckySharper says:
    December 22, 2009 at 8:21 am

    I have to point out how sad it is that the person telling off the asshole is the person who “ruined” the party, not the asshole for being an asshole.

    Amen. And yet, isn’t that always the case when it’s a woman standing up to an asshole? We’re ruining everyone’s good (misogynist) time by being all shrill and shit.

  22. Nik says:
    December 29, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    He might just be the guy who likes to play Devil’s Advocate (or has a compulsion to do so, kind of like me).

    In his defense (see, I told you) I *was* that slutty 13 year old girl. (well, 14) They are out there, whatever their reasons for behaving the way they do, there are some young girl who can act almost predatory towards older men.

    That doesn’t ever make it right for an older man to fall for it and act upon the invitation.

  23. Casey says:
    December 29, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    Brilliant. I do wonder if this man is just one who thinks he knows everything about everything, or truly a sexist pig. Did he mansplain to other men? Just curious. Some people are just so self-centered they think you can’t possibly know anything.

    The mind reels when people say things about “Young women (or men) just being slutty.” Umm…sure I remember being 13 and having a crush on someone older, but it is the older person’s responsibility AS AN ADULT to contain themselves, period. There are also some 13 year-olds who are just plain obnoxious and rude but that doesn’t mean I can beat them up. Same thing.

  24. BeckySharper says:
    December 31, 2009 at 5:03 am

    @Nik: True, there are promiscuous 13 year olds. And also true that no man should ever take them up on the offer.

    Where I have a real problem with men saying that “well, there ARE slutty 13 year olds” is that it implies that those 13 year olds can’t be raped, because, y’know, they’re SLUTTY. That was certainly one of the more common arguments I heard in defense of Roman Polanski–his 13-year old victim wasn’t a virgin, so therefore it couldn’t have been rape (or “rape rape” as Whoopi put it).

Leave a Reply

Click here to cancel reply.

random posts

Friday Fun Thread: Join the Hivemind...
And Now For A Word On Nazis…...
Guilty!...

recent comments

  • Skada: In my pre-feminist days, I used to wish people would catcall...
  • Cimorene: @Cat - This is an excellent point; my apologies for neglecti...
  • mischiefmanager: That cartoon is so sad, and so true. I don't get that stu...
  • Dawn.: Hugh Hefner is a total douche-bag. I'm not surprised some ri...
  • Cat: Just thought I'd add that you ought to refine your definitio...
  • JessMess: THANK YOU so much for this. I read it on a certain other sit...

Tags

Abortion Activism Anger Anti-feminists Assweasels Beauty Culture Busybodies Children Choosing Your Choice Double Standards Education Empowerfulment Fashion Fat Is A Feminist Issue Feminism Great Male Narcissists Hollywood Ladylike Endeavors LGBT Marriage Masculinity Misogyny Motherhood Overshare Politics Race Racism Rants Religion Reproductive rights Sex Sexism Sexual violence So-Called Self-Improvement Solipsism Stereotypes The Media Theory and Practice Things That Are Awesome Unexpected Consequences Uteri Police Violence against women and girls Women's Health Women's Work Work Administrative Professionals Day (2)
Anonymous Prosecutor (3)
Culcha Vulcha (31)
Feminist Food for Thought (12)
Friday Fun Thread (47)
Guest Post (16)
Harpy Book Club (10)
Harpy Cinematical Society (8)
Harpy Droppings (2)
Harpy Hall of Fame (20)
Harpy Periodical (3)
Harpy Seminar (23)
Harpy Shout-out (51)
Harpy Televisual Society (3)
Heard (1)
Help Me Harpies! (5)
Honorary Harpies (16)
Housekeeping (23)
International Museum of Women (1)
Language Matters (19)
Linkaround (5)
Morning Snark (39)
Reader Request (7)
Retro Pleasures (10)
Solo Flying (54)
Thoughts (835)
You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me (100)

WP Cumulus Flash tag cloud by Roy Tanck and Luke Morton requires Flash Player 9 or better.

Blogroll

  • A Truly Elegant Mess
  • Bitch
  • Bookslut
  • Deeply Problematic
  • Echidne of the Snakes
  • F Bomb
  • Feminist Law Professors
  • Feminist Philosophers
  • Feministe
  • Feministing
  • Fugitivus
  • FWD/Forward
  • Geek Feminism
  • gudbuy t'jane
  • Hoyden About Town
  • Hysteria!
  • I Blame the Patriarchy
  • Jezebel
  • Kate Harding’s Shapely Prose
  • Katha Pollitt
  • Like a Whisper
  • Maud Newton
  • Pandagon
  • Racialicious
  • Rage Against the Man-chine
  • Salon’s Broadsheet
  • Shakesville
  • Ta-Nehisi Coates
  • The Angry Black Woman
  • The Curvature
  • The F Word
  • The Feminist Agenda
  • The Feminist Texican
  • Tiger Beatdown
  • Womanist Musings
  • Women’s Voices for Change

Archives

  • September 2010
  • August 2010
  • July 2010
  • June 2010
  • May 2010
  • April 2010
  • March 2010
  • February 2010
  • January 2010
  • December 2009
  • November 2009
  • October 2009
  • September 2009
  • August 2009
  • July 2009
  • June 2009
  • May 2009
  • April 2009
  • March 2009
  • February 2009
  • January 2009

Search

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Valid XHTML
  • XFN
  • WordPress

Twitter Updates

google

google

.

Copyright © 2010. Creative Commons License
The Pursuit of Harpyness is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

Powered by Wordpress | Designed by Elegant Themes

The harpy art you see in our banner above is by Ursula Dodge. Visit her etsy store!