Gentle readers, I know I said I was leaving you for a whole three weeks, but I simply couldn’t head off to India without sharing this story with you. Plus it’s snowing–yes, snowing–here in London and I would rather cozy up to my sister’s laptop than go out again.
Anyhoo…I just related to the Harpies the story of how I spent the last 36 hours at a friend’s country house with three other American houseguests, one of whom was a classic Man Who Explains Things; loud, rude, self-congratulatory, and determined to shed the light of his wisdom on us ladeez. He actually had the nerve to try to Mansplain to me the business I work in. Never mind that I have worked in this industry my entire career and have lectured about it at teaching fellowships around the world.
What made it all the more remarkable was the company in which he was pulling this shit. Our hostess–my friend of more than a decade–is a bestselling author and well-known feminist cultural critic for the BBC. Mansplainer is the husband of one of the American guests at this party and friend of the second, both over-50 feminist activists from Texas.
But still, inexplicably, they trailed this dickhead in their wake. After deigning to explain my life’s work to me, Mansplainer proceeded to derail nearly every conversation at the dinner table by interrupting to declaim his Male Opinion about the topic at hand–or about whatever topic he liked, if he deemed the one at hand to be insufficiently interesting to him. The lady who was not Mansplainer’s wife kept catching my eye and shaking her head at some of Mansplainer’s more florid pronouncements. His wife–and the hostess–looked mortified.
After an hour or two of this, I felt utterly trapped, and was ready to chew my foot off and flee into the night. It took every single bit of resolve on my part not to Be A Bitch. After all, I had to spend the night at this house and we were far out in the countryside, so there’s no way I could lob some verbal grenades and flee. Much as it pained me, I resolved to suffer in silence.
But then–O then!–Mansplainer went a step too far. We feminists were fuming about a number of recent injustices to Womanity and Roman Polanski’s name came up. I don’t need to tell you what we said about that. We were just about to move on in the conversation when Mansplainer boomed, “Not to defend him or anything, but some thirteen year olds can be a little slutty. I knew this girl in Venice Beach back in the seventies…”
My face flushed bright red and I could feel my gorge rise.
Even though I was a house guest, even though this was Mansplainer and Mrs. Mansplainer’s 30th anniversary party, even though he was a close friend of the hostess, I was going to have to Be A Bitch. There was so much wrongness in that statement, I simply could not let it go.
But before I could open my mouth, the other female guest beat me to it. She proceeded to rip Mansplainer a new one you could have driven a truck through. This righteous sister sits on the board of numerous charities for victims of domestic violence and sex trafficking and she was even angrier than I was. Plus, she’d known Mansplainer for nearly 30 years, so her vitriol carried a lot more weight than mine would have. For the record, the main points of her argument were:
1) “Slutty 13 year olds” only exist in (sick) male fantasies.
2) A 13 year old having sex with a 44 year old is criminal sex abuse. Period.
3) Why did he, as a man approaching 60, still not understand these things, and what the fuck was wrong with him?
Since she had taken the initiative, I backed her up. So did the hostess. Every time he opened his mouth to protest–But some girls are just like that!–we were on him. Picture a pack of lionesses taking down a bleating, thrashing wildebeest. By the time we were done, Mansplainer was staring mournfully–but silently–into his wine glass. His wife, who had sat tense and purse-lipped the whole time, glared at him. The other guests just stared.
Talk about your buzzkill. After an extremely awkward pause, the hostess, with great English aplomb (and understatement), said, “Well, let’s turn to a lighter topic, shall we?” We talked of other things and then trundled off to bed. I couldn’t look Mansplainer in the eye for the rest of the evening, and I barely spoke to him at all the following day.
The lesson this young(er) feminist took away from the evening is that sometimes as women, we will encounter a situation where someone just needs to Get Told. These women, despite many decades of friendship with the Mansplainer, were not afraid to dress him down, ruin a dinner party and ruffle some feathers in defense of Womanity. I can only hope that when I’m in my sixties, I still have the ovaries to stand up to misogyny like that.
Standing O. I learned from this.
I’m a Mansplainer, but I loved this.
What his behavior says to me is that he gets away with this sort of thing all the time and his wife does not call him on it.
When will smart women stop choosing men like me?
EXCELLENT! I love “Be a Bitch” stories- an encouragement to be one myself, when necessary!
Also, ‘mansplain’ is my favorite new word of 2009. its true.
Brava!!!!
Having had to deal with a father who made comments about slutty adolescent girls while I was one, I applaud you.
@Josh – Okay, so…to ask the obvious question…if you know you do it, why don’t you stop?
@Becky – Hardcore. And I respect your restraint, as well — it shows you had much more respect for your hostess than Mr. Mansplainer did.
Right. On.
Becky, can you and your friends have a little chat with our so-called President? He could learn some lessons in Getting A Spine and Doing The Right Thing.
I really can’t count the amount of times I’ve laughed out loud at my computer screen because of all of you Harpies. I mean, the subtle wit of “Bitches 1, Mansplainer, 0″ is quite remarkable. So thank you, Ms. Sharper (and the rest of the Harpies) for keeping my giggles going.
My dad is a Mansplainer (also my fav. word of 2009). I really really appreciated the play by play of the whole situation. I think my dad could have kept going beyond what when guy did, and continue bringing up the topic for weeks to come as fodder for getting a rise out of any women (and annoyed men) in the room at the time. Is it any wonder I was always so exhausted from arguing the opposing point of view when I lived at home?
Bitches unite!
I love how no experience is real or valid until it’s been (outside of teh wiminz, of course) mansplained.
Does it, on any level ever, suck to have to have *all* of the answers, or does the egocentrism simply never factor in?
I love it. As the lady who is always willing to kill the mood of a night out in the interests of Telling Off An Asshole, I understand your joy in being beaten to the punch by another woman at the table. Sometimes I’m girding my loins for the argument and resulting “well you could’ve just ignored him…” BS afterward, and having someone else ready and willing to do it before/instead of/with you? Is the best thing ever.
Superb! One can only take so much…
Well-played, and an excellent lesson for the upcoming holidays. Politeness is good up to a point, but sometimes people just need a big-ass talking-to.
Oh HELL YEAH! Fist pumping from a cubicle in DC!!!!
Heh, I love it! Way to shut him down. But what exactly does a strong, independent, feminist woman see in a man like that? Never mind, I know the answer to that – I spent 6 years with a mansplainer (which, awesome word!). In private it was fun and challenging, because it kept me on my toes and my wits sharp and I could put him in his place more often than not, but in public he’d never cease to embarrass me.
Awesome.
Damn I love the term “mansplainer.” I know EXACTLY that feeling that surges through you. I am usually such a people pleasing head-nodder and every few years I meet a man like this and I cannot control myself. It’s a trigger for me! Good on ya!
I always love reading your stories about “being a bitch” and of course, always try to stand up for myself (or end up kicking myself wishing I had if I didn’t work up the nerve). But in response to Becky’s last sentence, I would think that after 6 decades on earth I would have enough sense of self and practice to make sure I stood up to “mansplaining”! And especially considering that these women were friends, this man had to know what was coming, didn’t he? In regards to these longtime relationships, I am not sure I would be able to withstand so much mansplaining…perhaps he felt inadequate and threatened by such accomplished women around him?
Also: No matter how slutty a girl or woman is, even if she walks around naked and diddling herself, fucking her over her protests after drugging her to make it easier is rape. Period.
Also, I have to point out how sad it is that the person telling off the asshole is the person who “ruined” the party, not the asshole for being an asshole. Though objectively, assholes ruin everything.
I have to point out how sad it is that the person telling off the asshole is the person who “ruined” the party, not the asshole for being an asshole.
Amen. And yet, isn’t that always the case when it’s a woman standing up to an asshole? We’re ruining everyone’s good (misogynist) time by being all shrill and shit.
He might just be the guy who likes to play Devil’s Advocate (or has a compulsion to do so, kind of like me).
In his defense (see, I told you) I *was* that slutty 13 year old girl. (well, 14) They are out there, whatever their reasons for behaving the way they do, there are some young girl who can act almost predatory towards older men.
That doesn’t ever make it right for an older man to fall for it and act upon the invitation.
Brilliant. I do wonder if this man is just one who thinks he knows everything about everything, or truly a sexist pig. Did he mansplain to other men? Just curious. Some people are just so self-centered they think you can’t possibly know anything.
The mind reels when people say things about “Young women (or men) just being slutty.” Umm…sure I remember being 13 and having a crush on someone older, but it is the older person’s responsibility AS AN ADULT to contain themselves, period. There are also some 13 year-olds who are just plain obnoxious and rude but that doesn’t mean I can beat them up. Same thing.
@Nik: True, there are promiscuous 13 year olds. And also true that no man should ever take them up on the offer.
Where I have a real problem with men saying that “well, there ARE slutty 13 year olds” is that it implies that those 13 year olds can’t be raped, because, y’know, they’re SLUTTY. That was certainly one of the more common arguments I heard in defense of Roman Polanski–his 13-year old victim wasn’t a virgin, so therefore it couldn’t have been rape (or “rape rape” as Whoopi put it).