Comments on: Lessons from Home

By: PhDork

PhDork — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 20:29:52 +0000

Lyndsay, my fam is mostly over their vegetarian Shock, but they’ve been dealing with it for about 15 years. It will come in time.

And re: #2…just ask them “feather or dot?” next time.

And yes, the older men thing is really shocking. I didn’t spend a lot of time with my uncle and aunt, but between his weird irascible demands and my beloved aunt’s eye-rolling-in-response, it was enough.

By: Lyndsay

Lyndsay — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 05:29:13 +0000

1) During the holidays, I became frustrated with family members wondering if I get enough nutrients (because I don’t eat meat) or just being generally puzzled at the idea of being vegetarian. I keep reminding myself that my older relatives have probably heard almost nothing about vegetarianism in their lifetimes but still.

2) I was confused when relatives referred to Native Americans as Indians and resisted asking them if they were talking about people from India.

3) By the end of the week, I was wondering where the nice not controlling older men are. It seemed like every relationship between people 50 or 60 years old or older I heard about involved a man who was more controlling than I would accept.

4) There was too much weight talk too.

By: Endora

Endora — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 04:26:47 +0000

I never know how to act in these situations (and I’m similarly only really confronted with them when I’m back where I grew up). I’m a people-pleaser in many ways and don’t like conflict, but I’ve learnt to be more of a bitch over the years. Now it seems that no matter what I do, I feel it’s been the wrong thing – if I make a comment, I feel I’ve been too pushy, and if I don’t, I almost feel dishonest, since silence is so frequently taken for agreement with what’s been said.

And Sarah, I have the EXACT SAME couscous story. (And several similar ones). And I had an ED too. I have to wonder how our mothers cannot understand that anyone who has gone through that will probably not need any reminding about the ‘danger’ of carbs, even if they have overcome the ED? Not that it’s good to make comments like that to anyone, but there’s obviously an added sensitivity there.

By: sarah.of.a.lesser.god

sarah.of.a.lesser.god — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 03:09:12 +0000

It’s interesting the ways my experiences kind of converge with/diverge from yours. I’ve lived in Manhattan since the time mother.of.a.lesser.god incubated me. And my family (my mom’s, since my dad has almost no family, and none anywhere near me) is pretty damned progressive in the scheme of things, though my mom can be reluctant to self-identify as a feminist, depending on the conversation. But my stepmom does, which was great for me as I grew up.

Anyway, the food talk in my family is out of control. I’m the only one in my very big family (ten adult cousins and siblings, four siblings in mom’s generation, all very close) with a diagnosed eating disorder. But almost all of the women have disordered eating patterns, while the men are completely exempt from what is complete body snarking on the part of my mother and two aunts. I’ve lost count of the times we’ve been driving home from Hanukkah/Rosh Hashanah/Thanksgiving and my mother or grandmother or whoever has started dissecting the weight gain of Cousin X or Cousin Y. Always females. It’s extremely disheartening, and makes me very paranoid about what my relatives say about me when I’m not in their company. And even last week, I mentioned to my mom I’m making couscous and she immediately says, “don’t eat too many carbs.”

Am I wrong to hope that a family should be a safe space from food talk, regardless of whether or not someone has an ED? And it is disturbing how gendered it is. Male cousins and my uncle are completely exempt from the discussion.

::Head explodes::

By: underbelly

underbelly — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 23:52:12 +0000

oh god, that fat talk was more than I could bear this trip, and I finally lashed out after the umpteenth time my sister/mom said “OMG I look soooooo fat in X picture.” come on, family, fat shaming ain’t part of the christmas spirit.

By: Mackey

Mackey — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 22:57:50 +0000

The booster shot analogy is a good one, PhDork. I hear Becky, bluebears,and misscalculate about picking battles.

But then there are times, I cannot but say something, even if it isn’t the right battle to pick. This happens with a couple of family members, so I generally choose to not spend time with them. The rest of my family is pretty good.

By: misscalculate

misscalculate — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 21:18:23 +0000

I agree that picking your battles is key. I try to see it as a reminder of what I don’t want to be. But ultimately, sometimes, it makes me feel isolated from my family. The one thing I haven’t managed to control is the rising of my blood pressure while I bite my tongue

By: bluebears

bluebears — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 21:08:05 +0000

Oh yes. It’s also hard to really say something because a lot of times it just seems like more trouble than its worth. I have in the last year or so started to say stuff about the calorie counting just because it’s really hard for me to hear as I’m trying to care less about that sort of thing. But the other garden variety patriarchy bullshit? I always feel damned if you do damned if you don’t. Like Becky wrote, I try to pick my battles.

By: BeckySharper

BeckySharper — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 19:58:22 +0000

Boy, do I FEEL you on this one. My family has its calorie counters and Mansplainers and historical revisionists, and I certainly come away from some family holidays with my tongue bitten raw.

At the end of the day, it’s highly unlikely I’m going to change these people, so I’m very selective about picking my battles–the only time I actively whip out my best Bitch is when someone’s commenting on my personal life. General stupidity I try to ignore.

But thinking of it as a booster shot is exactly right, IMO. It reminds us that there’s a lot of unhealthiness out there, and helps fire up the feminist immune system!