Comments on: Standing your ground when you’re out of your element

By: Weekend Link Love « The Feminist Texican

Weekend Link Love « The Feminist Texican — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 21:15:30 +0000

[...] The Pursuit of Harpyness: Standing your ground when you’re out of your element [...]

By: Finisterre

Finisterre — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 20:00:36 +0000

Gosh, I really feel for some of you on this. My family are basically good, but have some blind spots; luckily, they fear my interminable drunken rants.

The exception is my brother: there was a great conversation once where he informed me that he would have no responsibility for a child if his girlfriend got pregnant; it was *entirely* her problem.

I made the obvious protests, at which he informed me that I was naive and that all men thought like he did. Pointing out that I had been having sex for fifteen years (without being left with child) compared to his five or so didn’t help.

Luckily, at that point he recklessly asked my boyfriend and my sister’s boyfriend, who set him straight about what ‘all men’ thought. That was a pleasant, if passive, victory.

By: Babs

Babs — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 02:51:49 +0000

Amazing thread! Wonderful to know so many share the same boat. I can say nothing at our holiday thing- my 65 y/o mother has moved in with her 75 y/o fiance, and so it is really not at all my family home. It’s the home of the fiance, the biggest “good ole boy” there ever was. He spent the entire day talking about his new “gay” reading glasses (they are very cool), and bragging about how his son wrote an essay on how The Catcher In The Rye is a “gay” book. Every thing they talk about is how white men can’t get ahead anymore. When I walked in, they admired my necklace and asked if it was a Christmas gift. I said no. Then he laughed and said “oh, so it’s a good girl gift. You did something good, then he came home with your good girl gift.” (i.e.- that I had performed well sexually and was being rewarded with gifts). I told them I had bought it for myself. What do you say to that kind of garbage? They are exactly the kind of people who cannot wrap their brains around any challenge of their worldview. There is no challenging. There is no leaving. And the worst part is they think that I’m young and naive for being liberal and not racist, and that I’ll grow out of it and into their ignorant, conservative hatred. I think maybe I might be able to get away with the wide eyed explaining to the neighbor thing. Thanks for the tip!

By: Christina

Christina — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 11:26:02 +0000

I’m so glad to have read this discussion because I’m often at a loss with how to deal with that kind of… uncouth behavior, particularly from one guy friend who I know says sexist crap just to get a rise out of me. (Which does leave me wondering why he is my friend). I usually roll my eyes and ignore those comments, which usually works. But now I have a couple other ideas of what to do Bwahaha… thanks ladies- especially to Pilgrim Soul and GeekGirlsRule!

By: FlameWriting

FlameWriting — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 15:00:24 +0000

Just a quick note on a good comment I’ve found when the marriage discussion comes up (if you’re in a heterosexual relationship). This is essentially to laugh and say ‘Yeah, well, ___ knows that proposing is a dumpable offence.” It could work even if you’re not currently in that kind of relationship as well: “Haha, well, I’ve always made it clear that proposing is a dumpable offence.” It’s a humorous way of making it clear that you’re not just saying that you don’t want to get married because no one has asked you, but that you actively want to remain unasked.

By: M.

M. — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 10:57:10 +0000

I’m obviously coming into this way late, but I have a funny story to tell.

Someone was telling me about a business trip they took to Africa (don’t remember which country), and how it was “kinda scary behind around a bunch of black dudes.” Yeah, I dunno. So I just said “It’s only scary if you’re a racist!”

But since I live in Israel, I can get away with telling people anything when they offend me. I say things like “You’re a racist and you hate all non-Jews!” to people on a regular basis.

Israelis generally like arguing and don’t get offended by it, so I can say ridiculous things back to them when they offend me, but we’re still fine the next day.

I know that is totally unhelpful to your situation, but I guess my suggestion is to get Israeli relatives you can yell at???

By: bellacoker

bellacoker — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 06:29:16 +0000

LaurJ:

I’m impressed by how good you are at setting boundaries.

By: Sukie

Sukie — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 06:26:17 +0000

My family is not bad, but we’re living in my husband’s family’s territory now, and some of them are BAD (racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, bla bla). So the question of what to say in those awkward moments never really came up for me until recently, and I’m ashamed to say I usually meet their comments with stunned silence. But after it happens, I always pick my brain for what I _should_ have said, and these are the best ideas I’ve been able to come up with so far:

“Well, I think that’s my cue to freshen up this drink/grab some dessert/head outside for a minute.”

“Why do you say that?”

“This must be really embarrassing for you, because _I’m_ American/a woman/an immigrant.”

Although I’m not sure I’d be brave enough to use that last one.

By: LaurJ

LaurJ — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 22:57:53 +0000

There are so many more of you/me out there than I expected!! Maybe we are the norm?
I had grown up knowing that one large chunk of my family was verrrry socially conservative, but recently I’ve learned that another huge chunk is too. I hadn’t realized this and in fact had spent the last several years wanting/trying to get closer to them. Now I’m not sure that’s either desirable or possible.
My responses over the years have varied greatly depending on who was saying stuff, how taken by surprise I was, how much I’d already listened to, etc. A couple of times I was so shocked at unexpected racist comments that I said, “You’re teasing, right?” They weren’t, of course, but the conversation stopped there.
My BIL is one of those people who loves to bait, and I seem to be his favorite target. There’s not much that seems to work with him; sometimes I pretend not to be listening at all and invent an errand or excuse to leave the house, which deprives him of his fun and gives me room to breathe. A few times I have yelled at him which earned me reproaches from whichever family patriarch was around at the time. Of course BIL loved that, but the last time it backfired on him because he had clearly gone to far and people shielded me from him for the next couple of days. Other times I have called his attention to the incongruity between the hateful political rhetoric he spouts (or quotes, more accurately, straight from the talk shows) and the uber-Christian he thinks he is, asking him how he reconciles the 2 clearly incompatible views. He had no answer for that.
Now I just mainly avoid him. They live several states away and I just don’t make the attempt to visit any more. Life’s too short to subject myself to that.
My SIL is extremely homophobic and seems to dislike and disrespect most other women in the world. I’ve called her on her homophobia before and told her that it hurts me when she talks like that about a group that includes some of my friends and relatives. This SIL loves me, so although she’s not happy that I called her on it, she has pretty much quit talking like that around me. When she gripes about other women (stuff like, “You know how women are” or “You know a bunch of women aren’t going to be able to get along”) I’ve said simply, “Geez, you must know the wrong women.”

By: Odonata

Odonata — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 19:29:15 +0000

I’m bringing my male/hetero partner to the hometown for the first time on Friday. Add a dash of familial alcoholism and a mildly abusive past to a very conservative (and politically active) family and I am extremely anxious. The family history makes actual discussion extremely loaded and unproductive, so my plan is to simply limit our conversations to non-political and non-religious topics, and refuse to accept bad behavior in the form of sexist/racist/homophobic “jokes”. I love my parents, but at the age of 30 am finally accepting that there are limits to the level of communication in which we can engage.