Conventional wisdom holds that when a person is tricked or coerced into reproducing, that person is male and the deceiving party is female. But a study conducted by researchers at UC Davis confirms what far too many women already know: the ones trying to initiate a pregnancy against their parters’ wishes are often male.
In the journal Contraception, Elizabeth Miller detailed “reproductive coercion,” when the male partner pressures the girl or woman, through verbal threats, physical aggression, or birth-control sabotage, to become pregnant. One in five of the 1,300 women surveyed said they had experienced pregnancy coercion and 15 percent had experienced birth-control sabotage – tampering with pills, taking the condom off during sex, etc. More than half had experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner.
Leslie Walker, chief of adolescent medicine at Seattle Children’s Hospital said she has seen patients whose boyfriends monitor their periods to ensure they’re not taking Depo-Provera shots (which often cause women to skip their period). Reproductive coercion is another way for men to take and maintain control over women. If she has my baby, she won’t be able to get rid of me.
If a man wants to control his partner, impregnating her without her consent is a pretty effective tactic. It doesn’t make much sense to get pregnant against your male partner’s wishes in an effort to keep him around. He can just leave; you’re the one stuck with the baby. Naturally, the commenters at Newsweek refuse to believe it.
Wow! I don’t have anything to say except that makes me feel incredibly nauseous.
Ugh. Baby as bargaining chip? That’s revolting. I’d even go so far to say that these kinds of men don’t view what’s inside the woman’s uterus as a fetus, but a potential mountain of debt that they want to saddle their women with. (And I may be opening a can of worms here, but this makes me curious in that study as to the divisions across racial and economic lines.)
And I just hate that phrase, “barefoot and pregnant.” Almost makes me want to start saying “shod and barren” to counteract it.
So upsetting, especially as I’d wager my house that the male saboteurs hardly lift a finger to help once the baby is born.
When I was twenty or so, I was dating a guy who had three kids from previous relationships. I got pregnant and was pretty straightforward throughout our relationship that if this happened I was going to have an abortion. This guy begged me not to kill his baby, and said, “I never wanted my other kids, but I want to have this baby with you.”
An argument that didn’t strike exactly the chord he was aiming for, I think.
I had a boyfriend, briefly, who told me after the first time we were intimate that if I became pregnant, he would “do the right thing” and “ask your father for your hand in marriage.”. I told him I would never get married at 18 and it would be my sole decision whether I even kept an unintended pregnancy. He said he understood but this discussion of the risk of pregnancy kept coming up over and over.
I stopped letting him use his supply of condoms and would always carry my own with me while I was getting on birth control. One day, in the middle of sex, he slows down and says, “I want to give you a baby.”. I laughed until I realized he was serious and then I told him to stop. To make a terrifying story short, he stopped only long enough to pull the condom off and then held me down.
I broke up with him immediately but then he began to stalk me. He stalked me for 2 months despite the restraining order. When he finally stopped, he told everyone we collectively knew that I was pregnant with his child and we were getting married. I never became pregnant at all. I didn’t really get rid of him completely until I moved away for college. Sophmore year, I transferred out of state because he suddenly appeared on campus. I have not seen him since, thank the goddess.
@ Jenna
holy shit. That’s pretty scary.
I have usually gotten angry remarks from partners. After I discovered I had fertility problems when I left my ex-husband that suddenly put a different outlook on pregnancy than the one I had prior. Kind of funny that once I was told it would probably never happen then suddenly it was all I could think about.
I am all for safe sex but the three long-term relationships I have had since that first marriage have reached the point of comfort that we stopped using anything. When the subject of, “What if…” came up I have always been crystal clear in letting the man know that if something amazing finds life in there I would be taking that baby and FUCK OFF would be the rest of the response. I let them know that if they wanted to be near or see the off-spring they where welcomed to but to NEVER expect me to even THINK about a marriage (yes the first marriage was that bad for me).
The amount of resentment I have always recieved is huge. I find it odd that no man seems to be able to wrap his head around the idea that I have complete trust in myself and not them. You’d think that would be a guys dream come true, some woman who didn’t expect or want them around if a baby happened. Seems like that’s not the case?
Yeah, this isn’t new…interesting that people are catching on to it now, though. Another, much more mainstream site I visit had this story posted in a couple discussion groups and of course there were a lot of “But what about when women do it to men!!!” comments, anecdata, complaining about how the study wasn’t online yet (publisher issue, apparently) so they couldn’t debunk the numbers themselves, bitching about how the researcher didn’t ask the men in the relationships in question if they felt coerced too (?!?!?!!!), and quibbling about whether or not the questions asked by the researchers actually constituted reproductive coercion. I swear to fucking god, the amount of reluctance that some people have against believing that there could actually be a pattern of men doing bad things to women on purpose is stunning. I hate the world.
…sorry, rough week.
Surprise, surprise. Men want to control women-how about that?
There was a story about Claire Keyes, former head of one of our clinics here in Pittsburgh, that was reported on Jezebel a while back. (I don’t remember the original source.) Part of it was abut a discussion between Claire and a patient about why the patient wanted an abortion. It transpired that the patient was afraid that her boyfriend would leave her if she went through with the pregnancy. Claire told her that her clinic had a saying: “we don’t do abortions for boyfriends”.
Jenna- That’s terrifying. I’m glad you are okay now, and have shaken that P.O.S.
As a foolish 17 yr old, I was messing around with my controlling super christian boyfriend, and long story short, semen got onto my labia. His response-after I freaked out, cried, showered, called the local emergency hotline for information, etc. was….”Don’t do anything. God will provide. If you have my baby, I’ll take care of you. If you do anything, I’ll hate you.” I went straight from his house to the emergency room, got Plan B, and prayed. When I told him what I had done, we broke up, after a long fight about “HIS baby”. Not MY BODY, or MY decision, but HIS baby. Any time I think back to that episode, I’m thankful my mother informed me early and often about my sexual health, and how to protect myself. Had I been another woman’s child, I may have been a mom, with a controlling shit for the father.
Jesus Christ. Men are fucking crazy.
*sigh* It hurts to go into detail, but I’ve had the misfortune to have been in a horrifying relationship with such a man. By the time I had moved on, I had found him to be manipulative, controlling, abusive and quite possibly “evil”. I often wonder – even as I note countless other men who dwarf him in every positive criteria it is possible to consider in a human being – if this man had made me irreparably embittered, angry and sad.
The very fact that a single person has had such power over my mental state – years later – makes me struggle to avoid casting my same judgments over the rest of humanity (yes, specifically men, but in other, more subtle ways women too).
I’m really not sure where I’m going here, but in my own experience I certainly can find some truth in the findings reported.
I for one cannot wait until the artificial uterus is perfected, so that men with womb envy may buy their own instead of trying to control ours. On the down side, men like that tend to be crap parents.
Jenna I’m so glad you’re ok, that sounds terrifying.
This is just another reason why it’s absolutely imperative that abortion remains safe and legal and that the decision to abort rests solely with the woman.
I also dated a manipulative, controlling man for several (too many) years, and while he usually controlled using other methods, he occasionally pulled these tricks. He initially assured me he was infertile following a motorcycle accident, and he also virtually never orgasmed during intercourse. So after a few years and some side effects, I got off the pill thinking it was safe. Next think I know I realize he’s started silently and secretly ejaculating inside me, and changing his story about whether or not he’s really infertile. Freaked me the heck out, and I immediately got hold of some Plan B and restarted the pill. Thankfully I never did get pregnant.
Huh. I had no idea that this was a conventional wisdom. It’s just as easy for anyone to trick someone else into pregnancy, and either gender can be just as manipulative as the other. People have weird assumptions.
I Am not sexually active yet, but I have been thinking about what kind of birth control would be best for me when the time comes. An IUD looks like the best option after reading this. I have heard that it can hurt a lot when it’s put in, but at least it would be harder for someone to sabotage.
@MsBliss: Talk with your doctor when you’re ready to be sexually active and ask her advice. I think so much of this also has to do with your relationship with your partner. I suspect that a lot of the men who do this kind of thing are obviously coercive and controlling in the first place. You shouldn’t feel like your birth control decisions should be influenced by your mistrust of your partner. If you mistrust your partner, that’s a sign you shouldn’t be with him.
Thank you for your advise BechySharper. I completely agree that no one should be in a relationship with someone they don’t trust. If I have the slightest bad feeling about a guy I run like hell. Unfortunately my life experience has taught me that some people will not show controlling behavior until after their victims trust them.
Darn, I meant BeckySharper not BechySharper.
Jenna – I am a rape survivor, both from date-rape and attempted marital rape. In your statement you clearly describe a rape: “I told him to stop. To make a terrifying story short, he stopped only long enough to pull the condom off and then held me down.” I hope for your sake that you have had support and help to deal with that hell. I am relieved to hear that you are physicall alright. (I had to have repairative surgery.) Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your truth with others.
Late, but…
Ms Bliss, run, do not walk, to the nearest bookstore and get yourself a copy of “Our Bodies, Ourselves”. It’s an essential text for every woman. I gave a copy to our daughter before she left for college.
I am convinced that women’s power to control reproduction is the core of the conflicts between men and women. Men (as a group; obviously, individuals may vary) hate and resent our ability to decide whether their precious DNA will survive in the world. And the result is that *they* try to control us-in every aspect of our lives.
@BeckySharper and @ Ms.Bliss
Remember though that controlling dickbags rarely look/act like controlling dickbags from the start. They start out kind and loving and wonderful, and generally start the descent into controlling and abusive behavior in very controlled and careful ways.
mischiefmanager-I will have to put it on my reading list. We have a great local library in my town. I bet I can find it there.
GeekGirlsRule-That is the kind of situation I was thinking of. In the beginning of a relationship, It can be difficult to tell the difference between a genuinely kind person and an emotional con man.
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