I'm glad I saved this image from the last time I posted about Audrey Irvine.
When last I wrote about Audrey Irvine, author of the erstwhile CNN column “Relationship Rants”, she was blaming everyone from Beyonce to the US Census for the fact that no one respects unmarried relationships anymore (her outrage started when a random skeevy guy hit on her and didn’t seem to care when she told him “I have a boyfriend”). For its sheer lack of logic, crappy writing and the negative messages it sent to women, I dubbed her essay, “A Boyfriend is No Defense from Being Hit On“, the most Ridonkulous Op-Ed of 2009. It’s still early in the year, but I think Audrey’s already written a real contender for 2010. This time she’s outraged that no one respects married relationships either! And she’s got something completely fucking ridonkulous to say about it! The essay’s entitled “Dear Married Men: Keep Your Distance” and…well…let’s strap on the barf bag and take a look:
Audrey tees up her rant by telling how one of her friends posted a Facebook status saying: “Maybe it’s just me, but I am extremely uncomfortable with any married man calling me “just to say hi.” Not good! Respect your wife!” This, and subsequent musings on married men socializing with single women led Audrey to conclude:
Drama is exactly what you get when a married man tries to befriend a single woman without mentioning his wife, much less an introduction. With that said, I’m declaring it is almost impossible for a married man to be friends with a single women if she doesn’t know the wife.
Well, if Audrey declares it, it must be so! Never mind that most women have plenty of platonic or business relationships with married men without a speck of drama (even if they don’t know their wives!). Yes, we sometimes cross paths with skeevy married men men who hit on single women (and married women, too). Thing is, when you meet these skeevsters, their motives are usually pretty transparent. It’s easy to simply avoid them, or give them the brush-off. But not Audrey. Just like last time, Audrey can’t encourage women to simply say “go away” to the skeevy guys. Instead, because there are skeevy guys out there, Audrey thinks every man and woman everywhere must change their behavior! To wit:
…my advice to married men is simple: You are married and cannot enjoy some of the same luxuries as single people. That includes befriending single women under the guise of business ventures without introducing your wife.
Does this mean a man’s wife has to accompany him to every business or social event? Audrey seems to think married women should expect to be dragged everywhere on some kind of cockblocking duty. Not only is this completely ridiculous–do you think they might have something more useful to do with their time?–but it’s also completely unnecessary: the vast majority of married men are perfectly capable of engaging in conversation or business relationships without being unfaithful.
There’s a whiff of real anti-male sexism at work here: OMG, all men are hound dogs! If his wife isn’t there, he’s going to try to fuck you! as well as the usual anti-female “woman as temptress” sexism: Don’t talk to my man, bitch! Cuz he’s gonna want to fuck you and that’s YOUR fault!
What I found almost as amusing as Audrey’s muddled brain-droppings is that most of the commenters on CNN–not usually a thoughtful crowd–think Audrey’s as full of shit as I do, and called her on it. A quick sampling:
Did CNN pay for this article? Frankly it looks like something written at the last minute by an author desparate for something before a deadline. Utter trash.
Frankly, this is how all of Audrey’s articles read to me. Her writing is as bad–or worse–than her message. One reader managed to cut through the shitty writing to get the only decent take-away message in this mess:
I agree with the message of this article, but I disagree with how it’s been cleverly hidden behind the subtle “don’t sleep with my man” message. Yes… single ladies…if it feels icky, than it probably is – so walk away. But I am personally insulted by the insinuation that my married men friends are out to sleep with me and further more that because I am friends with married men – I am putting your marriage at risk. Ladies (married ones) if you don’t trust your man to hang out with a female friend – then you’ve got bigger problems in the marriage that need addressing.
Well, yes. And given this article and her previous one about the importance of everyone respecting the territorial rights of boyfriends, I do wonder why Audrey seems to want everyone to walk around with “I BELONG TO [INSERT NAME HERE]” badges on their chests. Bad past experiences, maybe?
Unfortunately–as further painful proof of how ridonkulous Audrey’s writing is–I even found myself mostly agreeing with the “men’s rights” dude who wrote:
What a moronic article. Just another self-righteous woman getting off on bashing men. I am a happily married man and a darned good husband and father. I talk to single women all the time because they are PEOPLE. Most men DO keep it in their pants and don’t necessarily want to hop in bed with every woman they meet. It’s time men started standing up for themselves and started dealing with the sexism and prejudice that is being dumped on them these days. (ed: Oh noes! Think of the menz!!) Audrey Irivne, you are nothing but another angry sexist intolerant bandwagon jumper looking to satisfy your own ego.
That’s Audrey Irvine for you…so deeply wrong-headed about male-female relationships that she makes a feminist find common cause with a male chauvinist. Now if only she’d just rest on those laurels and spare us any further “insights.”
Frequently I worry that I don’t have an original or even meaningful thought to add to the conversation, any given conversation. But Audrey Irvine never has that worry.
I saw this page of bullshit on the CNN sight yesterday and spent about fifteen minutes very quietly laughing.
“You are married and cannot enjoy some of the same luxuries as single people. That includes befriending single women under the guise of business ventures…”
CRAP, I totally missed out on my opportunity to cash in on the single-person perk of being friends with single women for covert skeezy purposes!! But wait, at that time I WAS a single woman, which means that I would have to have skeezily befriended MYSELF, making it appear to myself that I might have some legitimate business prospects instead of admitting my true status as object for sex/seeker of sex, UNLESS…
OMG, my mind is blown, Audrey Irvine. BLOWN.
I soooo hoped you ladies would tear this one apart too!
Now my morning is made. I read that article and was basically “wtf”-ing my way through the entire thing. Why can’t cnn have an actually interesting and well written female to do that column? Or even just someone well written?? I think the column itself has a lot of potential, just every time I read it I get annoyed.
I’m trying to imagine what would happen if I didn’t have professional or personal contact with any married men unless I knew their wives.
I can picture myself saying to a new client: “I would love to have coffee with you to discuss plans for your new project, however I’m afraid I’m going to have to meet your wife first. Maybe she could take time off her job and come to meet with us this first time?”
Or “Well, guy I’ve known for 20 years since we were in fourth grade, I’m afraid I can’t add you as a Facebook friend unless I first get to know your wife. You see, being FB friends with someone automatically means you want to sleep with them, unless of course you are also friends with their spouse. So you see why that can’t happen.”
It’s much simpler just to use instinct to screen out the skeezy dudes than to make all men go through some huge hurdles just to interact professionally with you.
@betterfishtofry: I know, right? Either Audrey’s not edited at all or CNN’s editors simply don’t give a shit. Because just about any hack out there could pull off a more intelligently worded column.
flackette, it goes the other way too. As the stay-at-home spouse, I like to check up on my husband and make sure none of the potential clients he talks to are single women. Certainly, phone calls just to check if they need anything are out of line. I also need him to call me from convention floors if he seems to be connecting to a pharmacy rep who’s female – I have to at least talk to her on the phone before I know if I can trust her to guard my man’s fidelity. Because I expect every woman in the world to act as an ally in forcing my husband into faithfulness. That’s what sisterhood means, right?
@Avogadro: Yes. Without the allied forces of womanity keeping him in check, your husband would just be running around sticking his penis into any woman who he encountered, even in a business setting.
I wonder if Irvine would also have all married men refrain from contact with gay men, also. Seems like married men are so temptation-riddled that they’d whip it out for dudes as well. Then again, I’d rather date another gay dude then date Audrey Irvine.
Sarah-I personally think she wouldn’t worry about gay men because she seems so hetero-normative, to her it would be ‘skeevy’ and wrong.
….On second thought:
‘I’m declaring this: Men with wives wouldn’t cheat with other men! That’s crazy!…unless the married man hadn’t introduced his wife to the gay man. Then, clearly it’s the married man’s fault for trying to be friends with a single gay man.’
…Okay, now I’m physically ill.
Oh, dear. Looks like this piece of literary tripe was written because she was disappointed by a married man attempting to be friends with her. She just didn’t understand his intentions!
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/01/20/rr.dating.question.or.trust/index.html
I’m confused about the general assumption in this article. If I’m at a business setting and make a new buddy with whom I want to hook up, what is my responsibility to their (potential) spouse? If I ask, “Are you married?” and they say, “No.” I feel I have done my due diligence. What else are people supposed to do? A public record search?
@bellacoker
I would like for us to get to the point that we accept that people are responsible for their own choices given the information they have. Unlike the sentiment expressed in the article, and rearticulated so nicely by Becky, that womanity is responsible for whether or not cheating occurs. If someone tells you that s/he is single, go with it. You can’t do anything about their dishonesty.
I get the feeling she’s afraid of men. She wants to put all these rules in place so she never has to interact with any.
@Spark: I think there’s probably some truth to that. She seems to be obsessed with creating rules about who may or may not interact with anyone of the opposite gender. The implication is that men–and single women–have nothing but bad intentions and it’s all so fraught and scary.
I just want to throw this out here as a topic related, but I wonder if this men-bashing or blame the men or men cheat is a phenomenon instituted and reinforced by the media and romantic comedies.
I don’t intend on starting a fight here, but I worry a lot about that and have trust issues, given that the past 5 relationships I have had ended because of a man cheating. I wonder if the stereotype has been pushed, so women are trained to believe that men can’t be faithful and men have been trained to believe they will cheat (no matter if they want to or not).
Look at all the famous men and political figures who are always in the media for cheating on their wives and then look at all of the recent chick flick movies that show men cheating on wives or girlfriends. It just seems that society has bred this sort of reaction.
@PhDArchaeologist: I don’t disagree. I think the whole “all men are dogs” stereotype is so ingrained that in some cases it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If men and women can’t treat each other with trust or respect, cheating is much more likely to occur.
That is interesting, and I’ve heard it before. I have plenty of married casual male friends whom I have ZERO interest in and one of them recently let it out that he is now searching for a potential “extra settings friend”.
He and his wife have six children and on his last deployment she opted to starting something with another man. When confronted with what happened she questioned him on his entire married life to her. His response while he was telling his story was, “it’s apparently been expected on her end since we have been married for me to do this so
why the fuck not.”
Not saying that I agree but it looks like it’s being reinforced that men will cheat and do. So now maybe (since most tend to take any excuse they can as it is) they are indeed following what is expected. Again, not saying it’s ok, I think it speaks loads on the moral character of a person who does things like this.
I actually have more respect for someone who is totally honest and just tells it like it is: “I like sex, and don’t want anything attached.” At least there is no question on level they are standing.
misscalculate: Thanks, just wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing it wrong.
@PhDArchaeologist:
I think societally enforced monogamy leads to cheating, if people (men and women) think the only way they are able to have relationships is to make long-term monogamous commitments even though it’s not what they prefer, then they are always going to be acting against their own desires. It seems the solution is getting away from the relationship shorthand society provides, and realizing that every time we have a relationship with someone everything has to be worked out for the first time.
I personally find monogamy is completely unworkable, so this is just my own skewed opinion.
Oh no! I think Audrey is my sister. Seriously…
I hear this from my sister ALL the time. In fact, yesterday she was talking about how her husband is ‘friends’ with a woman she doesn’t know on FB, so my sister ‘friended’ her, “so [she] can see their wall-to-wall convos.” The other woman ignored the request because she doesn’t know my sister, and all shit ensued. Because CLEARLY this woman wants to sleep with my sister’s husband, and obviously, my sister’s husband can’t be trusted.
Oh, and it’s all Facebook’s fault.
I do think the “men cheat” meme is too ingrained in our culture. But, I think we are also not accepting of the fact that people cheat. More than we realize or want to acknowledge.
I tend to agree, misscalculate and bella. But I don’t think the answer is to throw up a wall between married people and all other members of the opposite sex, or insisting that married people be joined at the hip all the time. That to me seems like the surest way to create mistrust and unhappiness in a relationship.
If I were a spouse however, and I attended say a corporate function, and people were coming up to me saying ‘your husband/wife’ has been here 20 years and never mentioned ONCE he/she were married, I MIGHT feel a bit like I had been ‘hidden’, and wonder what ELSE was hidden? And if were dating and had scruples against dating married people, I guess I’d ask first to not be misled.
TVille, I think you and I share a sister. Mine is the same way.
It’s more than a little frustrating.
I read an article by Audrey Irvine for the first time yesterday. I then proceeded to google her to figure out whether I am the only one who thinks she must be living in a logic-free bubble where her deductions and assumption, and therefore advice is so far off the mark it’s remarkable. I am baffled by the fact that CNN pays her to write this stuff. Since then, I have found other articles she has written and, though I didn’t think it was possible, they got worse and worse as I went on. I was happy to find you, so at least I know there is at least one other person who is not buying this crap.