Is it funnier that this picture shows a dude, or that the oxygen mask makes said dude look like a cartoon pig? Via mockstar @ Flickr
You’ve probably heard that phrase before, if only prior to taking off for a holiday somewhere.
I’ve been seeing and hearing it quite a bit lately, and it’s typically aimed at women; I see it on ads, websites, and channels targeted to women, anyway. On the surface, it seems like a good thing; it is of course intended to counteract the years of conditioning to shut up, sit down, scoot over, take the smaller piece of pie, smile and look pretty, et cetera, et cetera, that women receive. Unfortunately, this message is also usually intended to get you to buy something. Y’know, ‘cause you deserve it.
Apart from the capitalist-in-sheep’s-clothing aspect, there are two things I really deeply dislike about this meme:
1. The relentlessness with which it is deployed. I’m sure women do need to hear that they are important and that should care for themselves. But hearing it once–or even once a week–is one thing. Hearing it daily, seeing it everywhere, turns it into another item in the nearly-endless list of How to Be a Lady: YOU WILL DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF. DO IT. DO IT NOW. HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF? WE’RE WAITING…
2. The last word: “first.” Put the mask on yourself first...before you assist others. You’re no good to your kid/spouse/employer/community if you don’t take care of yourself. Sure, sure, you should be kind to yourself–but only or especially because it will allow you to better serve others. Which, lest you forget, is your duty.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t care for our families or communities–nothing of the sort–but women should take care of themselves for their own sake (even if they don’t “deserve” it!), not because they need to maintain themselves like the family car: every 3,000 miles, take a bubble bath! It’s the same old crap in a shiny empowerfulicious box.
So, at the risk of adding to the hubbub I just decried: Take care of yourself. Whatever that means for you. All the time.
Fin.
I recently have become really tired of the “take care of yourself so you can take care of others” thing. It suggests that the only reason to tend to my own health and sanity is so I can improve the lives of others. You do indeed hear it all the time. Everything – from headache medicine to pedicures – is sold with the idea that it will somehow make you a more helpful, pleasant person for others. (See: ads for pain medication that show a woman with a headache missing her child’s school events, or not paying attention to her kid’s homework. She couldn’t possibly want to get rid of her pain just because it *hurts*. There are similar ads for depression meds – they say “Who does depression hurt?” and show sad children, spouses, dogs, etc.)
While I do generally buy into the idea that we’re all interconnected, I resent the fact that the reason I’m supposed to care for myself is other-centered. How about I take care of myself just because…I like myself?
This is why I’m about to spend $300 on a Mindfulness Stress Reduction course, where I’m going to spend 2 hours a week ohming, yoga-ing, meditating and generally indulging in MY mental health, with no goal of improving anyone else’s life.
I loved this POST! So many contradictory things to think about.
On an airplane, sitting next to a small child, I really DO need to hear this message, every single time. Otherwise I WILL reach to put that kid’s mask on first. In fact I have never been tested. I might do it anyway.
This is probably going to be a little garbled as I’m thinking as I type. Hopefully, some of this comes out right…
In some ways I think this meme is actually just the usual conditioning women get to put themselves last, but phrased a little differently to make it less obvious. If you’re doing something for you to make it so you can better serve others you’re not really doing it for you. It’s just trying to give it a somewhat positive spin. Any mental or physical health benefit you actually might get is just collateral damage, if you will.
Alternatively, it could have been originally coming from the “take care of you for you” angle but there was the fear of being seen as selfish (which is apparently one of the worst things a woman could be). The “so you can better take care of others” tacked on at the end may have been a nudge, nudge, wink, wink type of thing: you’re doing this for you but if you say that you’re doing it so you can better help someone else you can’t be called, gasp, selfish and you can still be a good woman. Over time and repetition the innuendo got lost and it just reiforces the usual “put yourself last” conditioning.
On the other hand, I think there’s probably a group of women (especially first-time moms) who genuinely can’t be convinced to take care of themselves unless it’s framed as making themselves better able to take care of others. And when I’m not getting time to myself, it definitely does effect my parenting skills.
If you get women to take care of themselves by using their “take care of others” conditioning is that supporting the conditioning, or working around it?
Gosh this is a tough one. I do find that with most of my friends and with myself, the only way to get us to take care of ourselves is to frame it in terms of being capable of caring for others better. The amount of guilt that I and those I am close to feel is truly crushing, and it is true that I can’t think of one man who frames it this way (though I do know men, like my father, who truly neglect themselves in spending 24 hours a day caring for others. it’s just that they wouldn’t frame themselves this way). I don’t think we would listen if the message was just, “do this for yourself.” I’m resisting it even reading it. But that doesn’t mean that I truly am unselfish, just that my self identity compels me not to think of myself thus.
This is hard!
I feel like this message is one more damn thing I need to add to my to-do list. I can take care of myself when I need to, without being lectured about it like a 5yr old being told to wash their hands before dinner. The message feels patronizing to me.
I’ve got two tween boys, multiple health issues, and I homeschool one of the kids, and when it gets too much I know enough to take myself off to a movie before I throttle someone. It’s not like I’m going to see and ad and think “wow, I never thought of that… but now that I’ve been given permission by BigAdvertiser, I’m totally going to do it!”.
Ms. M, I don’t deny that it’s patronizing, and I don’t think the message should come from advertisers, but I think it’s a message lots of women need.
There’s a reason that at every well-baby check, my pediatrician asks if we’ve been out on a date, and if I’ve gone out with my friends since the last visit. I’m positive that there are lots of moms who would never consider getting away from the baby unless it was framed as for the baby’s benefit (which it is – this is a universal good in my opinion, no one loses when a caretaker takes time for herself).
This isn’t a meme I’ve felt particularly strongly – maybe it’s not as prevalent in Europe as over there.
I think it sounds like new-agey-nonsense, but I don’t know that I find the idea itself offensive. You see, I tend to think that doing things for others and doing things for yourself are bound up in one another. Neither martyrdom or utter selfishness is ultimately fulfilling for me. What makes me happy is having relationships based on love and generosity and kindness. Sometimes I’m giving and sometimes I’m receiving. Neither complete individualism or complete selflessness seem like sustainable paths to me.
As I said, though, this is just an abstract reflection on something that I’m hearing about second hand, so excuse me if I’m veering off-topic…
@Floackette: We feel better already!
@PH.Dork: I never thought of this message in this light, but you are spot on. Thanks for this post.
Before the advertisers took it over, this was a useful piece of advice for those it’s aimed at – as Av0gadro points out – that is, all the women who really do feel guilty about doing anything at all for themselves. This is especially easy for mothers of small children; but it’s also true of therapists, people taking care of the elderly, people, generally, in any of the phases of their lives where caring for others is a significant issue. Most of these people are women. They, we when we’re in that position, need to be reminded, and if we’ll only pay attention if it’s phrased as “so you can take care of other people better”, it’s still better than not hearing it at all.
Of course we’re all interconnected, and having relationships where there’s give and take is ideal. Unfortunately–and yes, this might be a US thing–we’re not so good at that kind of balance. Instead, we have the woman/mother/caregiver-as-martyr extreme ideal, which then we’re trying to do the bandage-on-an-amputation fix on by saying “go for a walk” or “buy yourself those shoes.”
I agree that the greater good is that women end up doing things for themselves, even if it has to be framed as a another way of fulfilling your “duties” to everyone else. That part still pisses me off, though, whether it comes from advertisers or your spouse.
I’m not a caregiver, and I’m wildly, unapologetically selfish with my time and needs. (Chicken and egg, that one.) Maybe too much so, even. So I’m a bit–only a bit–surprised to hear that that guilt is so pervasive. Like JD–what are you guilty for?
(Ms M, I hope I didn’t add to the pile-on!)
PhDork, I keep talking about how new mothers especially need to be told to take care of themselves for their kids, but I was actually astonished at how selfish about my time I became once I had a baby. I was so tired and strung out and overwhelmed by how dependent the baby was, that I took literally every chance I got to get away. We never spent any time together as a family, because if my husband was free to take care of the baby, then I was in another room being away from the baby. It got better, of course, once I got more sleep and more perspective, but I was shocked at myself at how far I was willing to push my husband in order to protect myself. And it probably was the best for all of us in the end, but it felt wrong, that I was willing to insist that he give up time with me (or genuine free time, since being at work probably didn’t count).
I’ve always heard that in terms of mental health, especially in the context of dealing with ill family members or friends. It’s definitely something I repeat to myself semi-regularly, and I think the biggest problem with how it’s used above is in equating self-care with consumerism. Gross.
Odonata
I mean how it’s used by the advertisers in the OP, not by the other commenters or by PhDork.
On a semi-related note, I’ve always hated the stupid L’Oreal tagline “Because you’re worth it”, ever since I was a munchkin. Wow, thanks L’Oreal. Actually I’m worth a lot more than your $12 mascara. And what about the women who can’t afford to or don’t want to buy your cosmetics? Are they not worth it?
/ranty diversion
This is hard for me, too. Personally, my struggles stems from a mix of socialization, family dynamics (the examples I grew up with), and a healthy does of Catholic guilt. Especially challenging was the fact that my mom was telling me one thing (be independent, develop and protect your own personal happiness, take care of yourself, etc.), while at the same time turning herself inside out to try to be all things to all people all of the time. I understood that she was telling me these things precisely so that I didn’t end up feeling and acting like she did. But it’s amazing how much you absorb from watching others’ behavior despite explicit verbal teachings to the contrary. I tend to be fairly proactive about doing what I need to do for myself, but the spectres of guilt and shame never ever let me do it in peace.
I’m trying to think of how similar products and services that are directed to men are marketed. Hair coloring and baldness treatments, cologne/after shave…what else? We rarely see spa treatments advertised to men. Sporting equipment, like golf clubs? Beer? Pills for erectile dysfunction?
None of those are sold the same way. Advertisers don’t say to men, implicitly or explicitly, “Use these so you feel better about yourself and thus you can be a better person to everyone around you.” To the extent that attractiveness is the purpose of the product, it’s not sold to make you feel better about yourself, it’s sold so you can score more and hotter chicks.
Not much of a surprise there, I guess.
Not really, mm. Sad but not surprising. I can’t even imagine an male-targeted ad saying anything like “Hey, dude. You deserve some YOU time.” (Unless you count McD’s “you deserve a break today” thing, but that’s not dude-specific.)
Wow, it’s amazing how much not having a television will change your perspective on things. The lack of commercials in my life has been delightful.
That said, the whole take-care-of-yourself business is something I really need to hear. It was worse when I worked at a high school, because I would let that place take over my whole life. And I would obsess. Now that I’m back at school, which really is “for myself” more than anything I’ve ever done, I don’t have as many emotional drains in my life. Though, actually, I feel really guilty about that, and feel bad for leaving all those girls alone in that place without anyone as feminist as me.
But it’s worst with my family. I live close by, closer than my sister, and so I’m basically the one that gets called to watch the dog when my parents go out of town, help mow the lawn when my dad’s gone, help shovel dirt, clean the house, clean the garage, be their designated drive the day all my dad’s old friends come in to town for a football game, whatever. I finally, a few years ago, drew the line and refused to help any of them at Republican fund raisers, either stuffing envelops, selling raffle tickets, or manning the doors. My brother, who also lives nearby, doesn’t ever get called on to help around the house. Actually, when my brother bought a house a couple months ago, my mom called me and asked if I’d go over to his old apartment to clean it out after he moved out so he wouldn’t have to worry about it, and he could get his safety deposit back. This was in the middle of finals. When I was also applying to PhD programs. I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” It’s gotten so bad that now they call my partner to do the things that they would have formerly called my brother about, man-things like helping move a refrigerator or something. Rather than call their son, they call my boyfriend, who they treated with contempt and disdain for the first two years of our relationship because I slept at his house before they met him. And I seriously cannot say no to these people without practicing first. My partner is always walking this line where he encourages me to take time for myself when I need to, to stop helping them and saying yes whenever they call me, while trying not to tell me what to do when it comes to my family. Then, when he’s just trying to be supportive because he sees me freaking out about whatever thing they did to me that day, and encourages me to spend less time and energy on them, I feel guilty for not doing that when I know he’s right, and I feel guilty for making him feel bad for me.
I just realized that things are getting worse. I think I might need to go talk to a therapist or something because I kind of feel like I’m approaching a nervous breakdown because of my family.
MM, actually, I think it’s the opposite. Here, we have a doctor who makes a big push this time of year, advertising that men should make an appointment to get a vasectomy during March Madness. The whole idea is that they do this thing that’s good for the health of their whole family at a time that means they can use it as an excuse to stay home and watch basketball.
It’s exactly the opposite. Women should pamper themselves so that they can better serve their family. Men should do something to serve their family because they can use it as an excuse to pamper themselves.
@PhDork: Yeah, you’d never see that. All the time is You Time when you’re a dude.
I will be the selfish pig in this comment: since it’s me and JUST me I take care of ANYTHING I do is indeed just for me. And I get kicked down for being “selfish” all the time. Interestingly enough I only catch shit from fellow women. Almost any young guy only says, “cool” and asks questions about whatever it is I’m buying or doing.
Why is it selfish to not only take care of yourself as the post suggests but to do things or buy things for no reason other than, hey, you fucking want to and can?
Cim: I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got that “your daughter’s your daughter for all of your life” shit, but I’m glad that your partner’s got your back. Lordy begordy, girl, don’t feel guilty on his behalf. And therapy sounds like a great way to take-care-of-yourself-for-yourself. (((Cimorene)))
To answer your question PhD, there is constant guilt that I am not living closer to home, helping my family more, my terminally ill brother, my elderly and frail grandparents, my overworked parents. I feel I should be more supportive of my partner, spend more time with my friends, should be giving more at work, should keep in better touch with old clients who are locked up and have no one, and feel guilty that I don’t do any regular volunteer work right now, don’t cook or do any crafts (like, what?), don’t excercise, etc. Most of my friends are similarly beset by guilt on all sides. Just massive sense that I should be taking care of the people around me mixed with a feeling that I am completely overwhelmed with life already. Fuck, I even feel guilty that I don’t play more constructively with my cat. That’s not to say I don’t do anything for myself — I completely do, but I am much more likely to indulge myself and participate in capitalist modes of self indulgence if I can couch them in the fantasy that they will help assuage some of my feelings of inadequacy as a caregiver. I think your post is really right on that that these commercials play into this ingrained sense of inadequacy and neverending duty to others while at the same time upholding a notion of self that is wrapped up in consumption. Looking at my list it is clear that my notions of duty are very much wrapped up in highly traditional feminine activities — care taking, cooking, home making, etc. It’s not that men i know don’t feel this guilt — surely traditional notions of masculinity (make enough money to support your family, be strong, provide, etc.) create similar crises for them. But for whatever reason advertisers dont’ seem to use it to sell them shit as much.
@)Ocean-Breeze: that’s right. You do what you want and everyone else can shut it. Good for you!
@Cimorene: that’s so wrong. Your parents seem to fall into the category of “We had kids so they could take care of us”. Sorry, no, not to this extent and not when certain privileged family members are exempt. It’s time for them to put your brother on speed dial and leave you alone. And if it takes therapy for that to happen, I say go for it.
Cimorene-Good for you for not doing the fund raiser. The next time they call just tell them how much you want to be paid by the hour. Seriously,your time and energy is valuable,don’t feel guilty for being careful with it.
Cim,
BTDT with my mom!! It took a good 10 yrs, and a 2000 mile move away before my mom eased up on me about doing things for her and my brothers (esp. the brother I lived close to). Holy Guacamole it was hard. Therapy helped me make the break with my parents. Just as young people need to grow up and make a life of their own, parents need to realize their kids are grown up and let go some!
Now, as my comment above showed, I’m all for me me me when I feel I need it, with no guilt involved.
@Cimorene – That totally sucks. MM and I have a friend who lives near her parents and when this friend first had kids she almost had a conniption trying to juggle her newborn daughter and her mother. Bad scene. But your partner sounds really supportive!
@Ocean_breeze – Oh, like when people say it’s selfish not to have children? I try to bypass this sort of thing by being extremely upfront about it: “I did no work yesterday and watched 8 reality shows instead and it was awesome.”
The more I re-read this post and the comments the more it makes sense to me.
My grandmother had a saying of, “if you have girls you are blessed, they will always stay by you and at least one will never leave.” Talk about fucking depressing! So the idea was mom or one of my aunts would never have a life, no nothing? What a joke! What about all the sons she had? Why aren’t they held to this horrible idea?
Ocean_breeze: my mom’s version of that awful idea was “Your son is your son until he take a wife; Your daughter’s your daughter for all of your life.” The first time she said it to me, I think she meant it to be interpreted “mothers and daughters have a particular emotional connection,” but the more I heard and thought about it, the more I’m convinced it’s “(perhaps because of that idea of closeness) girls are required to perform familial duties FOREVER, but boys are exempt.” Exactly the thing your G’mother is saying, and what Cimorene was experiencing w/ her family. Barf barf barf.
@ PHdork
I think your right. I wonder what sadist thought that one up. Mom says gran would say that because she knew exactly what she married and what her boys would probably be like. I’m just thankful that my dad worked very hard to correct this idea in mom before I was old enough to even consider fleeing the nest.
But then again gran is so stuck in the dark ages that she has given me a time suspense of three years (how long I have left till my contract is done) to find another husband. Since you know, I only took this job to troll for a boy friend. She even broke down her barrier enough to let me know that if I moved in with one and accidentally got pregnant I would eventually be forgiven. My hair falls out in clumps just thinking all that is wrong with that sentence.
[...] 6, 2010 · Leave a Comment Do you ever get tired of hearing that? The old women-you-must-take-care-of-yourself-first-before-you-can-take-care-of-others [...]