Comments on: Put the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First

By: Ladies? About putting on your own oxygen mask first? « Dating Jesus

Ladies? About putting on your own oxygen mask first? « Dating Jesus — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 13:30:33 +0000

[...] 6, 2010 · Leave a Comment Do you ever get tired of hearing that? The old women-you-must-take-care-of-yourself-first-before-you-can-take-care-of-others [...]

By: Ocean_breeze

Ocean_breeze — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 01:41:07 +0000

@ PHdork

I think your right. I wonder what sadist thought that one up. Mom says gran would say that because she knew exactly what she married and what her boys would probably be like. I’m just thankful that my dad worked very hard to correct this idea in mom before I was old enough to even consider fleeing the nest.

But then again gran is so stuck in the dark ages that she has given me a time suspense of three years (how long I have left till my contract is done) to find another husband. Since you know, I only took this job to troll for a boy friend. She even broke down her barrier enough to let me know that if I moved in with one and accidentally got pregnant I would eventually be forgiven. My hair falls out in clumps just thinking all that is wrong with that sentence.

By: PhDork

PhDork — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 01:29:20 +0000

Ocean_breeze: my mom’s version of that awful idea was “Your son is your son until he take a wife; Your daughter’s your daughter for all of your life.” The first time she said it to me, I think she meant it to be interpreted “mothers and daughters have a particular emotional connection,” but the more I heard and thought about it, the more I’m convinced it’s “(perhaps because of that idea of closeness) girls are required to perform familial duties FOREVER, but boys are exempt.” Exactly the thing your G’mother is saying, and what Cimorene was experiencing w/ her family. Barf barf barf.

By: Ocean_breeze

Ocean_breeze — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:30:20 +0000

The more I re-read this post and the comments the more it makes sense to me.

My grandmother had a saying of, “if you have girls you are blessed, they will always stay by you and at least one will never leave.” Talk about fucking depressing! So the idea was mom or one of my aunts would never have a life, no nothing? What a joke! What about all the sons she had? Why aren’t they held to this horrible idea?

By: baraqiel

baraqiel — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 03:31:48 +0000

@Cimorene – That totally sucks. MM and I have a friend who lives near her parents and when this friend first had kids she almost had a conniption trying to juggle her newborn daughter and her mother. Bad scene. But your partner sounds really supportive!

@Ocean_breeze – Oh, like when people say it’s selfish not to have children? I try to bypass this sort of thing by being extremely upfront about it: “I did no work yesterday and watched 8 reality shows instead and it was awesome.”

By: Ms. M

Ms. M — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 03:04:49 +0000

Cim,

BTDT with my mom!! It took a good 10 yrs, and a 2000 mile move away before my mom eased up on me about doing things for her and my brothers (esp. the brother I lived close to). Holy Guacamole it was hard. Therapy helped me make the break with my parents. Just as young people need to grow up and make a life of their own, parents need to realize their kids are grown up and let go some!

Now, as my comment above showed, I’m all for me me me when I feel I need it, with no guilt involved.

By: Ms.Bliss

Ms.Bliss — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 02:59:20 +0000

Cimorene-Good for you for not doing the fund raiser. The next time they call just tell them how much you want to be paid by the hour. Seriously,your time and energy is valuable,don’t feel guilty for being careful with it.

By: mischiefmanager

mischiefmanager — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:44:51 +0000

@)Ocean-Breeze: that’s right. You do what you want and everyone else can shut it. Good for you!

@Cimorene: that’s so wrong. Your parents seem to fall into the category of “We had kids so they could take care of us”. Sorry, no, not to this extent and not when certain privileged family members are exempt. It’s time for them to put your brother on speed dial and leave you alone. And if it takes therapy for that to happen, I say go for it.

By: J.D.Regent

J.D.Regent — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:41:52 +0000

To answer your question PhD, there is constant guilt that I am not living closer to home, helping my family more, my terminally ill brother, my elderly and frail grandparents, my overworked parents. I feel I should be more supportive of my partner, spend more time with my friends, should be giving more at work, should keep in better touch with old clients who are locked up and have no one, and feel guilty that I don’t do any regular volunteer work right now, don’t cook or do any crafts (like, what?), don’t excercise, etc. Most of my friends are similarly beset by guilt on all sides. Just massive sense that I should be taking care of the people around me mixed with a feeling that I am completely overwhelmed with life already. Fuck, I even feel guilty that I don’t play more constructively with my cat. That’s not to say I don’t do anything for myself — I completely do, but I am much more likely to indulge myself and participate in capitalist modes of self indulgence if I can couch them in the fantasy that they will help assuage some of my feelings of inadequacy as a caregiver. I think your post is really right on that that these commercials play into this ingrained sense of inadequacy and neverending duty to others while at the same time upholding a notion of self that is wrapped up in consumption. Looking at my list it is clear that my notions of duty are very much wrapped up in highly traditional feminine activities — care taking, cooking, home making, etc. It’s not that men i know don’t feel this guilt — surely traditional notions of masculinity (make enough money to support your family, be strong, provide, etc.) create similar crises for them. But for whatever reason advertisers dont’ seem to use it to sell them shit as much.

By: PhDork

PhDork — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:22:32 +0000

Cim: I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got that “your daughter’s your daughter for all of your life” shit, but I’m glad that your partner’s got your back. Lordy begordy, girl, don’t feel guilty on his behalf. And therapy sounds like a great way to take-care-of-yourself-for-yourself. (((Cimorene)))