Looking back, I suppose it’s sort of unequal that I wore a visible mark of engagement and he didn’t, but really, I just can’t bring myself to see it as a big deal. Everyone we knew was aware that we had set a date to get married and I don’t think that they all thought that I had suddenly became his chattel because I was wearing an engagement ring.

I think two adults should be aware of the history of entrenched patriarchy behind all these customs. I don’t understand why adults need to follow some set of traditions rather than thinking for themselves. I know that we’re all influenced by our respective cultures, and we don’t make any decision completely independently from our environment, but at least we could try to think a bit about what we’re doing and why, right?

Before we got married my husband and I talked about the pros/cons of marriage and then made a decision. No one “popped the question” or asked for permission (gag!) from either set of parents. No one bought an engagement ring but each of us chose to wear a wedding ring (plain gold band, simple as well as cheap). We tried to figure out what would work for us and that’s what we did. We felt no pressure to do “what everyone does” (no white dress, no going into debt over a huge ceremony, etc.).

And I agree with the earlier comment that it’s weird to talk about men wanting to marry “girls.” That’s a serious language fail in my book.

Along the same lines, my brother is about to propose to his girlfriend. And he’s going to ask her parent’s permission first. Ugh. I am so disappointed in my brother but he is a full-on conservative and very old-fashioned. I wish I could convince him to just ask the woman- she’s not property to be exchanged!

I love the idea of both members of a couple sporting whatever talisman they wish to express their love and affection for each other and towards each other. Xenu01′s story, for example, is incredibly sweet.

What I DO object to is the term “mangagement ring.” SRSLY, Jewelry companies and journalists who write about trends? Sincerity and love: UR Doing it WRONG.

I’m with BeckySharper on this one, that it smacks of Jewelry Industrial Complex. Sorta reminds me of the discussion about the Wedding Industrial Complex in the post on bouquet-throwing.

Easy for me to avoid marriage (the wedding/western image of the whole thing, including the engagement ring) as I live somewhere where common-law has many of the benefits of marriage, including spousal status on health insurance, getting to file taxes jointly, etc. And I don’t live in a community where people look down on you for not being married and living “IN SIN”. When I’m at my company’s head office (small town USA), I am more circumspect and refer to him as “my husband”.

Right hand rings are even WORSE because when you buy them for yourself because you’re an independent woman, hear you roar, you’re still leaving your left finger open because someday a MAN will come and CLAIM YOU AS HIS OWN. Just by putting that stupid ring on.

That being said… I have a right hand ring. BUT I don’t wear it on my right hand (that’s where the ring my bf bought me is…not a promise ring, just a pretty piece of jewellery), so I wear it on my left ring finger as a kind of fuck you to the patriarchy. And as a kind of reminder that when it comes absolutely down to it, I rely on myself and myself alone. Plus, it’s pretty.

But on topic …

I think that it is important to build our relationships consciously and not to get swept along with the cultural script. So, whatever couples decide to do, whether asking her father for her hand, buying his and hers engagement rings, or holding hands and jumping into an active volcano, is a-ok with me.

That being said,
Diamonds are a pretty evil commodity whose sale supports terrorism and slavery and a lot of other nasty things. That this is the shiny rock associated with romantic love and marriage is, on one hand, devastatingly accurate and, on the other hand, unthinkable to me.

This has, however, resulted in some disbelief on the part of outsiders. Usually, that meant “oh, it’s nontraditional*…cool,” but once, at a party with friends (R didn’t go), the host’s cousin kept trying to hit on me. When I showed him my ring, he refused to believe that I was married because I didn’t have a diamond. Because I didn’t have his idea of a wedding ring, I was automatically lying about my relationship status (mansplainer, much?)

*No, it isn’t non-traditional. It’s a white gold band. With a shiny, blue rock. Not an asymmetric steampunk-inspired gear-laden ring (which would be sweet, come to think).

On topic, I’m glad this stupid expectation of men asking older men permission to access their daughter’s vagina is falling by the wayside.