N SRIO, ladies. Via katviola @ Flickr.
From our recent “What Would You Guest Post About?” thread, came this gem from JennyK/Benevolent Dictatrix: I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to write a Cross-Referenced Compendium of Patriarchal Beauty Standards for Women. From pedicured toes, to extension-filled hair, to a bleached anus, it seems like we have reached a point where there is no cell in a woman’s body that doesn’t have a certain way it should be or look. (Even our insides. Have you seen those “Beautify your insides” commercials for fiber supplements?) I think rounding up all the rules would serve to highlight how ridiculous and onerous the rules really are.
Ms M replied: I second JennyK’s suggestion…. I think listing ALL the expectations for female appearance would be really REALY eye opening.
Join JennyK, Mackey, Ms. M and me for a roundtable discussion, as we imagine the Fembot of the Patriarchy’s wet dreams with a meticulously compiled listicle of the many, many, MANY ridiculous requirements of “beauty.”
BeckySharper: So let’s built our imaginary, Patriarchy-approved lady, starting from the head and working down to the toes!
We should all have thick, shiny hair. Straight is preferable. Maybe because straight hair is the most submissive kind? And if you can’t grow it, you can have it glued or sewed onto your head!
MsM: Hair should not show gray, and if one is of the age to have grays, and should be dyed in an expensive way to look “natural” (ie, so it doesn’t look like a box from the store). Women should not admit they have dyed their hair.
Mackey: Not only should hair be thick and shiny, but should also be blonde (and there’s dye for that too).
JennyK: Face shape should be round with prominent apples of the cheeks (can be achieved with implants if necessary).
Nose should be slender without a bump, tip should be small and not hooked.
Eyebrows should be high, arched and groomed.
BeckySharper: Eyelashes must be long and dark and the eyes big and round, even if you’re Asian.
And no glasses, of course. The only time glasses are permitted is if you don’t actually need them and can whip them off as part of a sexy librarian fantasy.
Lips must be full, but not “big”, with absolutely no hair on the upper lip.
JennyK: No hair on chin, cheeks or neck, at all! Chin should not protrude. No double chins!
Mackey: No chin dimples!
BeckySharper: Teeth must be white and perfectly straight, even if that means you have to knock out all your real teeth or file them down to points and have blue-white veneers stuck on them.
Neck must be long and swan-like, lest we look like Miss J Alexander’s “No-Neck Monsta!”
JennyK: Collar bones should be visible and shoulders should not be too broad or muscular.
Arms should be slender, taut, hairless, and free of stretchmarks
BeckySharper: No “man-hands”–they must be soft and with perfectly tapered fingers and manicured nails.
JennyK: Breasts should be large and spherical with small, pink nipples and situated high on the torso
Mackey: Breasts need to be big enough, but not too big (unless you are a porn star).
MsM: Areoles must be large but not too large, and pink. Nipples must protrude but not too much (protruding nipples are “slutty”).
JennyK: Belly should be flat or concave.
BeckyShaper: And only “innie” navels are acceptable.
JennyK: Pubis should not be too rounded (see “FUPA“) and hairless.
BeckySharper: No dangly labia! Get ‘em snipped if they are!
JennyK: Labia should be bright pink (there is dye for that!)
Anus should be light colored (anal bleaching!), and make sure you are pooping on the regular, lest you have an ugly colon.
MsM: No stretch marks, even if you have been pregnant.
BeckySharper: Even if you’re pregnant, only compact little baby bumps are allowed. The minute the baby is out, your abdomen must immediately return to taut and toned. And for Maude’s sake, have a C-section so your vagina doesn’t get all loosey-goosey from giving birth–get your ob-gyn to give you a bikini-friendly incision.
JennyK: But don’t think you can slack off and start looking all ugly during the actual labor and delivery of your child. These ladies don’t.
BeckySharper: Thighs and ass should be rounded, firm and gravity-defying. But not too big! Or too muscular!
MsM: Knees need a space between them! (no knock-knees).
JennyK: Ankles should be markedly slimmer than calves.
BeckySharper: Absolutely no hammer toes, bunions or calluses on the feet, despite their being jammed into patriarchially-approved, foot-deforming high heels. Get surgery if you have to.
And make sure those toenails are polished!
JennyK: Not to mention, feet should be no bigger than size 7.
Ms.M: Right, because women should be at least 5′ 4″, and no taller than 5′ 7″. Anything other than that is “too short” or “too tall”.
Mackey: Skin should be tan, but not so tan as to appear “dark skinned”. It should be the same colour and hue on the entirity of the body (no lighter patches! where the sun doesn’t see your skin) Those girls with the very light porcelain skin are in the minority, and only a handful can pull that look off, so you’re better off going to the tanning salon and/or getting a spray-on tan.
Sick to death of this list yet? Yeah, us too. Here’s the final word:
MsM: The biggest one is: women should be free of any physical difference: skin disorders, amputee, wheelchair user, impaired vision, speech impediment, or anything which might take away from a “healthy” appearance. Women who may “pass” on some of the above will always fail if they have a physical difference.
Did we miss anything? Feel free to add to the list. And for a discussion of the monetary cost of all these ridiculous requirements, check out PhDork’s series of posts “The Cost of Beauty.“
pupils must be dilated even in sunshine. Eye color should be any of blue, green or light brown or light grey, regardless of your skin and hair. Wear colored contacts if you do not match this criteria.
BTW What does the caption N SRIO under the picture mean? I am guessing “en serio”
No visible blemishes–scars and acne are both strictly forbidden! Wear makeup to disguise such unsightly flaws, even if this exacerbates them.
Ungroomed pubic hair is strictly verboten! Remove at least the majority of it (preferably by paying a stranger to put hot wax on your privates), such that a neat geometrical shape is achieved, OR remove all of it. Don’t forget the booty crack!
@Rodriguez: Yep, it’s the Spanish LOLcat for SRSLY! (which I shamelessly overuse)
Hahaha! None of that applies to me, since I’m over 30! So according to male beauty standards, I don’t even exist.
I consider this situation a WIN.
@MM: Oh, hey, so am I! I guess I don’t have to worry anymore. Phew.
Y’all forgot the ribcage. It can’t be too big around, ’cause if it is, the contrast between your flat belly and big manly ribcage will make you look like a skeleton, which is totally gross. Perhaps you would consider having ribs removed, or just wearing a corset, so that discrepancy is all smoothed out.
Did we just describe one of those sex robot dolls? Creepy.
Don’t forget thighs: they need to be toned and muscular, with a little space in between so they don’t touch when you walk. And NO STRETCHMARKS.
Don’t forget smooth armpits at all times (requiring at least daily shaving or, better yet, laser hair removal treatment). Same with the legs!
I have to take issue with the straight hair rule, though. A lot of guys seem to like the wild curls look. But of course, if you have curls, you have to be willing to straighten your hair when your man wants you to. And kinky/African/Jewish/non-Western European hair is right out.
@JennyK: Yeah, I think we did. Yuck.
@Carole: Ooh, good point. No hair allowed anywhere except the head!
@MM – Yeah, but the curls have to be loose and smooth. No frizz!
Baraqiel/MischiefM – It seems like the only acceptable curls are those that require a lot of styling, not the ones that occur in nature. Case in point, my hair is in between wavy and “wild curls”. On days like today when I have straightened it I get numerous compliments. Not so on the wavy/curly/frizzy days.
and do not, under any circumstances, show that you wear undergarments!
you must have long legs.
you must have that hourglass shape but your butt must not be too big.
you must never ever get a muffin top, no matter how tight or poorly designed your clothing is.
your hair and attire must conform to the prevailing fashion trends, because if they don’t, you will never be considered ‘hot’ even if you meet all of the above rules
man, just reading the list made me depressed. and I’m not even particularly invested in being ‘beautiful’, but to realize that I would ‘fail’ (5’9″ w/ leg hair!) if i did…wow, depressing.
@JennyK – Yep. I have loose curls naturally and my boyfriend thinks they’re “cute”. When I straighten my hair, it’s “sexy” and “sophisticated”.
@annimal – Absolutely. You MUST wear the right style of clothing that’s not frumpy but not slutty, and if you have any bulges or something doesn’t fit right, it’s the fault of your body, not the clothes.
@vmt: We would ALL fail. Every single one of us. That’s why, at the end of the day, it’s not a fail at all.
i’m on a roll, here…
if you happen to not meet any of these criteria, be prepared to hear that all these rules are set in stone by the laws of genetics, e.g. teh menz prefer it that way because that’s how they’re genetically programmed and they will lose their bonerz by the sight of your imperfection, even when all the rules are culturally determined and some change every few years or so.
if you are over 35, you must follow the above rules and a few additional ones if you want anyone to even see you.
you must wear fashionable and age appropriate attire, which will be hard to find and may not fit right because (gasp) women’s bodies do change as they get older.
on that note. your body is not allowed to change as you get older. gravity and menopause do not exist – didn’t you get the memo?!?! if your body does have the temerity to change, go get plastic surgery and/or hormone replacement.
but don’t go and look like one of those people who had plastic surgery. no. like all the other rules it has to look ‘natural’ and you have to pretend that no time or money was spent to acheive this effect.
Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate! Then moisturize. No one wants to see dry skin. Remember that your knuckles and the backs of your elbows show age first. However, be careful not to overdo the lotion or you will look greasy, The goal is to “glow”, not “shine”.
Also, any beauty marks, port wine stains, strawberry marks, large moles or other irregularities should be removed.
@Annimal – “It has to look ‘natural’ and you have to pretend that no time or money was spent to acheive this effect.” Bingo. If you reveal that it takes time, effort, or money to meet these standards you will be labeled “high-maintenance” or “fake”. If you are over 35 you will be seen as desperately clinging to your youth.
@Becky: Oh, it’s a fail all right-but not ours.
At first this list and all these comments were making me laugh out loud. But when I realised that this is actually what people think, I felt like crying instead.
Cellulite is banned, as are any rolls of fat. I don’t know if freckles are in or out and I don’t know how red hair does on the fembot scale.
@Ruth: With red hair, it depends on the guy. I know someone who broke up his marriage for someone because she looked to him like Ginny Weasley from the HP series.
No sticky-outy ears! Get them stapled to your head.
Freckles are only allowed to arch softly over the nose; they must be a light brown in colour.
Must perfect the innocent and stupid facial expressions.
Hair is to cascade gently over the shoulders.
Must be white, but tanned; dark skin is a “fetish”.
What about scent? A lady must never smell like herself; she must wear perfume, but teh menz must not be able to tell she is wearing it.
Y’all didn’t even get into what is and is not allowed ON your body once it has reached beauty perfection. Thousands of dollars are required to achieve a look that meets the approval of fashion magazines and critics. And that’s only this season. You’ll be required to keep up with, and fit into, the latest trends for the rest of your life, which will change about every six months or so!
Thank you for this! I’ve been ranting lately to everyone within earshot about the fact that, every time I turn around, there’s another body part women have to fret over. Fat ankles? Wobbly upper arms?
And the whole hairless vulva/bleached anus/colored labia thing makes me want to turn the San Fernando Valley into a smoking crater.
Your skin must be matte at all times. No shiny spots, no visible oil. When I was a kid, I was watching a makeover on a daytime TV show, and as the (male) makeup artist was crop-dusting this woman’s face with powder, he was yelling “Nobody wants to look at your BIG GREASY FACE!” To this day, my sister and I shreik that at each other and laugh like fools. Because we’re goddesses and can do that.
If you are even remotely close to achieving an acceptable level of beauty, you must often publicly talk about your imperfections and how you were an “ugly duckling” as a child. If you appear to be happy with the way you look or to have any amount of self-confidence you will still be hot but also a stuck up bitch who thinks too much of yourself. As if?!
@JetGirl: the whole hairless vulva/bleached anus/colored labia thing makes me want to turn the San Fernando Valley into a smoking crater.
You and me both. I would ride the bomb Dr. Strangelove-style.
Those purple veins. MUST be removed. Regardless of hereditary traits! Any dimples on the body is a no-no. Let’s not forget the little tan line some of us have on our bellys. Please add make-up to remove it as this is a clear indication of pregnancy.
Pores on face must be invisible, there are products to make them shrink or make-up if you are beyond the help of the shrinking shit.
When walking on the pre-approved heels you must make sure you are still shorter than the approved 5’7.
Almost forgot: be a lady at all times. The only appropriate time to be kinky is when prompted by the man who gets to “tap that ass” and please also be dirty (but lightly!) in the presence of other men and their women especially when the other dudes girl friend says she doesn’t like to do whatever kinky/humiliating/slutty/just plain fucking nasty thing it is that was brought up. Please say you LOVE it so as to inspire jealousy from the other men and more pressure for the woman who dared disagree with her mans fetish.
But I guess that’s more of actions than looks.
While I was mowing the lawn (yes, we have spring in Seattle!), I thought of two that someone beat me to: the wimminz must not have pores on their faces (I still remember hilarious make-up commercials where they use the zoom in mirror to show GIANT PORES and everyone gasps lol), and face must never be !!!1!!!!Greasy!!!!1!! Oh the horrors of the greasy face. “Shine” is akin to having poo on ones face.
Women can sweat, but only delicately (nothing a few gentle pats of a towel won’t take care of). And though women are allowed to sweat, they should never ever SMELL like sweat. Guys can reek after a workout all they want, but in a woman it is somehow horrifying.
Gawd, I am so *not* in tune with the apparent patriarchal zeitgeist here. I’ve always liked big women with curly hair. Cellulite/stretch marks shows that she’s had a life and I find the lines incredibly sexy. Scars, really tall, freckles down to her knees, saggy breasts, large monses, big nipples/labia, thick thighs–love ‘em all to death! (And pregnant women just make me weak at the knees–another patriarchal beauty rule I’m clearly not in touch with.)
Oh, speaking of hair color: about a decade ago, I was trying online dating (and met my wife that way, hurrah!). I was chatting with an old friend while I was building a comprehensive profile and told her what I was looking for and suddenly found myself saying “But no blondes, I don’t trust ‘em!” “Where did that come from?” my friend asked. “I have ~no~ idea, but” I replied, doing a tummy check, “it’s true. Huh! ‘No blondes.’”
FWIW, I’ve noticed a tendency in porn in the last 15 years or so to have actors who are clearly cloned genetic mutants, men and women both. They’re shaved (more likely dipped in depilatories up to their necks), the women have thin thighs, the men look like they were grown in a tank and then had steroids, and nobody looks like they’re enjoying things much. I vastly prefer seeing people from the 70s & 80s, who looked like REAL PEOPLE and like they were actually having fun.
Someone mentioned perfume and sweat, but along with that, women must never have any sort of real scent between their legs. Vaginas must be scentless or somehow smell like baby powder or spring breezes. If this is too difficult to achieve, try vaginal breath mints. (Nevermind that they’re actually pure sugar and might cause yeast infections.)
Never, ever have your period. It reminds men of all those abhorrent, inhuman things about women. Like water retention (remember in Sexual Personae when the Pags claimed that water retention was a sign of the “miasmic” and “cthonian” nature of the female?). And biology (women are only bodies). And emotions (only women have those, too).
I’m coming to this party late. Funny and infuriating. Nobody’s mentioned plain old wrinkles. I mean, if you’ve got ‘em you’re probably over 35 and therefore not worth mentioning anyway, but you might as well botox those bad boys away. I mean, sure, you might have earned those smiles lines the right way, or maybe you spent too much time conforming to the tanning standard and wrecked your skin early, but even if it means showing no emotion whatsoever don’t let them be seen on your face, period.
I tried reading this post but it just made me feel awful, so I had to quit reading midway.
Sorry, May.
We never intended to make anyone feel bad–just to call bullshit on how ridiculous the never-ending list is.
Must never have shoulders wider than is deemed “appropriate” in proportion to height (too manly!)
Eyelashes must be long and thick and bent backwards with some insane surgical-looking tool, unless that’s not in fashion this year.
Stomach must be flat always; sitting, standing up, after a large meal (I mean, women don’t eat large meals very often anyway right?) — just always.
Facial expressions must never betray the fact that she has an actual opinion about something.
Forehead must not be too big or too small.
Eyes must be the “correct” width apart.
Forget not having a “cute button nose”.
Feet must not be too wide, toes must not be too long, toenails must be neatly trimmed, preferably painted.
Fingernails should be so long as to make most everyday tasks impossible (preferably fake nails glued on by a manicurist).
Teeth should be perfectly white, gums should be invisible at all times.
Okay, now I’m depressing myself.
omg I can’t believe we forgot about bleaching the skin if it’s not the right shade
Who gives a poot about what the fashion-waxing-porn industrial complex tells you about how you’re supposed to look? I know this post is a joke, and I’m laughing too. But still, giving all that BS too much attention, even mocking attention like this, gives it power. That’s our own illusion, and our own responsibility. Choose not to care, like the emails from the dysfunctional ex that you delete without opening lest you waste even one more second of your beautiful energy on his crazy games.
[...] good girls should practice modesty, but because it reminds her that most women are expected to drastically alter and “maintain” their bodies just to meet a minimum standard of [...]
[...] good girls should practice modesty, but because it reminds her that most women are expected to drastically alter and “maintain” their bodies just to meet a minimum standard of [...]