A guest post from Queen_George
When I’m not hanging out on the Internets writing about patriarchy, I work as an assistant manager at a major greeting card store. Greeting cards can be a super-creepy thing to deal with day-in and day-out if you’re an angry feminist. Much like a lot of advertising, cards are intended to appeal to some vague person called “The Average American.” And, of course, my company believes that the Average American is white, straight, married with children, and Christian.
(When the company does venture to recognize that some people aren’t white, its attempts at inclusiveness put me in mind of this post on holiday gift giving guides for the POC in your life by Snarkysmachine at Shapely Prose.)
I could write for pages about the blatant offensiveness of, for example, Valentine’s Cards that perpetuate the myth of the doofy husband and the superwoman wife. But my store has recently started carrying a line of cards so disturbing that all my other concerns have taken a back seat. Behold, cards for a pregnant woman, from her fetus!
That’s right. I introduce to you the “Baby on the Way” collection, cards that feature a series of “heart-warming” (or gag inducing) sentiments from the fetus. You can view the whole collection, and read the story of the creator, at the link above. Note the tag line “Every baby on the way has something to say!”*
These cards creep me out for a number of reasons.
First is the obvious implication that the fetus (even at 1 month) already contains a fully formed, thinking and feeling consciousness equivalent to that of an adult. The line includes cards from the fetus at every month of life, as though tracking the development of its thoughts and feelings about the mother. So this goes hand-in-hand with the anti-choice tendency to convince women that their unborn fetus has already developed a complex emotional attachment to its parents. (Or its mother, at least. It probably goes without saying that the father is rarely mentioned, except in the “You’re going to be a dad” card. The possibility of a non-heteronormative parentage is beyond the pale here.) Most disturbing, though, is the condescending tone that the disembodied baby voice takes with its mother. In its various incarnations, the fetus speaks to its mother as though she were an over-emotional girlfriend sitting and waiting by the phone for her new beau to call.
(“So as you wait for me to write you the next letter/Just remember I am not alone, it will make you feel better…”) At other times, it reminds the mother that although her life may be hard, it is WAY HARDER to be a fetus (“I wanted to tell you that I’m working each day/ And I do it all without any pay” and “Sorry Mom about making you queasy/ but life in the womb is not always easy“). Then, as delivery grows near, the detached-fetus-voice speaks to its mother as though she is an outright hysteric who can’t handle the birthing process (“The time is coming, I’m getting ready/ We just have to keep our emotions nice and steady…”). In other words, this baby is a big ol’ mansplainer. (Fetusplainer?)
There is – of course – an eerie religious component. The card for Month 3 is called “God checks on me everyday” and includes a poem all about how god converses with the fetus in the womb to let it know that it must be patient. The card portrays god as a kind of pre-natal Santa Claus, making his list and checking it twice, being certain that all those seeds he implanted are still intact. There’s also an implication here that the fetus is close personal friends with god – again, implying that it already has more knowledge than the mother and must guide her through her pregnancy.
Even a quick glance through the months 1-9 cards will assure you that the creator of these cards is not exactly pro-choice. Or really even pro-woman. That’s not a surprise, given the theme of the cards. But what DID come as a surprise, for me, was the origin story. Franklin Signature Company founder Keith Franklin says that he first came up with the idea for the cards when his wife was going through a difficult pregnancy. (He refers to her pregnancy as “high risk,” but he never gives specifics. He does, however, mention that doctors had told the couple, “Time was not on [their] side regarding pregnancy.” Want to guess how old they were when they were married? 28 and 30. I turn 29 this year. Guess it’s time to get out my old maid clothes!) Franklin says that “I was like any other new daddy to be. Confused, uncertain and looking for something that could stabilize [my wife's] emotions while showing her how much I appreciated her.” His answer? To write her poems in the voice of their unborn baby – poems that would eventually become the months 1-9 cards in the Franklin Signature line.
My problems with Franklin’s cards are numerous, as I’ve said above. But there’s something else about this origin story that gets under my skin. The poems provide the unborn child with a personality, thoughts, and feelings. Meanwhile, according to Franklin, his wife’s pregnancy was “high risk.” She was in danger of losing a baby she desperately wanted to have. How much more difficult would a miscarriage have been for her given that her fetus now had a distinct personality? I don’t mean to underestimate Mrs. Franklin’s intelligence. I understand she knew the baby’s “voice” was really that of her husband. Nonetheless, Franklin took actions to further sentimentalize the baby before its birth – actions that I can’t help but think would make the loss of that baby all the more difficult, had things turned out that way.
For the record, these cards sell very well. Every single person who passes them in the store says, “Oh, how sweet.” Many women have bought all 9 months for their pregnant friends.
Also, did I mention that the poetry in the cards is just really, really bad? I leave you with this thought, straight from an unborn child:
You just went to the doctor to find out if I’m for real
So now that you know, here is the deal
I’d first like to introduce myself as your baby
You can be certain now there is no more maybe…
As a former writing teacher, I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.
(Also, props to philosophyerin who, when I showed her this website, pointed out that the silhouette on the front of the cards is just as skeevy as the content. A headless pregnant belly and a set of boobs? Really?)
*I should note that these cards are not produced by the major company that is my employer. The line is from an independent company, Franklin Signature. The link is to Franklin’s website. So if you have complaints to file about these cards, do so with Franklin itself. Although a lot of major card stores carry the product, the line itself is not a Major Unnamed Card Company product.
If someone had given me one of these when I was pregnant, I probably never would have spoken to them again. There is so much wrong with this. The greeting card writer has done everything he can to turn the card recipient into an incubator and nothing more. Of course, now that Woman-as-Vessel is now full of fetus, she can’t handle it! She has no brain!
Ick, and then after she gives birth, society and her family can continue to treat her like Generic-Mom-Object.
Oh for the fuck of shit.
This is EXACTLY why I never buy cards at Hallmark/American Greetings, etc. stores. Dismal gender stereotypes. Sappy religiosity. And forget about trying to find a birthday card for an adult that isn’t revoltingly ageist (HUR HUR, UR OLD!!)
If it weren’t for the card racks at Barnes & Noble and Whole Foods, no one in my family would get any cards, ever. Or I’d be forced to make them with construction paper and glitter the way I did in kindergarten.
I find these disgusting in general and, like claire, can’t imagine continuing a relationship with someone who thought they were a good idea. I’ll take it a step further though. I’m on my second high risk pregnancy and if someone gave me a card purporting to be from my fetus before I knew if it would survive, I would be very tempted to beat them. Likewise, when I was throwing up five times a day with my first (for six months), desperately trying to keep down enough water to stay out of the hospital, a cutesy card about my queasiness would have probably resulted in murder.
Beyond personal experience, I just find the idea deeply creepy, and I can’t imagine anyone I know thinking it’s sweet.
@ BeckySharper
What the hell are you talking about? I totally still make my own cards! That glitter and crappy edges show I really give a shit!
But honestly these cards are wrong on so many levels…
Seriously? These cards exist? And people buy them? :::head desk:::
Queen_George, you pretty much covered it. And I wonder if I can work fetusplainer into conversation in the next week or so…
@Claire and Av0gadro: it’s good to hear your opinions on this, because I had wondered whether I was just missing the “maternal gene” that somehow makes them magically cute. Although I should say my mom was grossed out too.
@BeckySharper: when I encounter sane customers, I still secretly send them to B&N or Borders. Shh! Don’t tell my boss!
They remind me of a couple of books my mom got when she was pregnant with me in 1970/71 featuring a pair of fetuses (fully developed little people of course) named Eggbert and Eggberta. Very, very similar in content, although not written in terrible poetry, and actually kind of funny.
Still disturbing though.
I find these cards UNBELIEVABLY hideous. The poetry is indeed awful, and the idea of using a fetus as a daddy-loves-the-patriarchy cypher is creepy to me.
However, it doesn’t surprise me at all that these cards were conceived (ha ha) in response to a high risk pregnancy. I think if this is the kind of thing you like then it’s the kind of thing you’d treasure if your baby were to die.
Queen-George (sorry, my underscore doesn’t work), thank you for giving me another weapon in my never-ending quest to inflict guilt on my children.
Seriously-this is sick and demeaning and everything else the above posters have said. Antis seem to view fetuses as though they were baby dolls that can be manipulated any way the owner wants. This is like people who stand outside clinics with toy dolls and say “don’t kill me, mommy!”. It’s just another way that they are infinitely creepy people.
ugh average american you really do buy this stuff huh?
I’ve got a pad of watercolor paper. I cut out a square that fits into an a10 envelope. If I really care about you I will do a watercolor.
If I don’t have time or I care a little less then I will copy something out of “The Prophet” using sharpies and then smudge it a little with a brush and water.
My new favorite word is “fetusplainer.”
Also, it really bothers me that these cards start at 1 month, when something like half of all fertilized eggs spontaneously abort before 12 weeks, or some insanely high percentage like that.
This guy should make a sparkly glitter card collection called Sperm Magic.
@Claire – my sentiments exactly!
@Queen_George – count me in as another (new) mom who thinks they are creepy and gross, not cute.
This sort of stuff is the reason that (as I keep telling my husband) we are not “card people.” Pretty much the only time I buy cards is for is my husband’s grandmother when she is sick or injured (an all to frequent occurrence lately). I usually have to look at every card of the type I want though so I can get the least irritating one.
@mm: I’m glad you brought up the whole treating fetuses as baby dolls aspect, because that’s something I didn’t really manage to work into the post, but something that disturbs me just as much as the rest of this bunk. If you really believe that that fetus is a human being, what, exactly, gives you the right to CREATE a voice for it/him/her/whatever?
Also, in providing more information about the purchasing of these cards: the ones that have disappeared off the shelves the fastest are for months 1 and 2. This seemed odd to me particularly because those are the months in which you are most likely to miscarry – or at least that’s what I’d always understood. They also seem like the stages of pregnancy when a woman is least likely to know that she’s pregnant. It just seemed odd to me.
But yes, Average American (or at least average card store customer) does in fact buy these things. They fly off the racks, which means Mr. Franklin is probably pulling in a tidy profit. *Sigh* Free Market Capitalism, you’ve provided me with plenty of products I could have done without.
Queen_George, I suspect people are buying them as a way to congratulate someone they just learned is pregnant, and then not following through the whole nine months of cards (or, terribly, buying them when they first learn, and then discontinuing after a miscarriage).
@Queen_George: I’m really not surprised that months one and two are the best selling cards. Most abortions occur in the first trimester, and a lot of pro-lifers would be more than happy to use these cards to guilt-trip women who may be considering an abortion.
LOL, SPERM MAGIC! Best. Thing. Evar.
Av0gadro, I suspect you’re right. We do have a few people who purchase the whole line right up front, but for the most part they do seem to taper off after those first months.
Also, I just realized my comment upthread about “sane” customers is horribly ableist. My apologies. What I should have said was, when I encounter the occasional customer who is as offended by our offerings as I am, I send them to B&N. It was awful of me to imply that “sanity” and “agreement with me” are one and the same. Ugh.
It may be wrong of me, but it’s the verse that I find most infuriating.
Yes, yes, you’re a fetus-worshipping assberet, but your attempt at poetic sentiment is so poor I can’t even laugh at it. And I enjoy doggerel.
@RampagingTurtle: Oh Maude. I didn’t even think of that. How horrible. And how decidedly possible. After all, we’ve all agreed over and over again that this (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/new_law_requires_women_to_name) is becoming ever more true to life.
@PhDork: It’s truly horrible. There are tons of grammatical errors too.
Whoa. Equal parts fascinating and repulsive. The Average American will buy anything. I wonder how they’d respond to the a fetus spouting rotten poetry when accompanied by an actual, scientific picture of the fetus’s developmental stage.
@ Christina
Or if possibly more repulsive have a nice anti-card and show what the future holds:
For girl fetus- vagazzile!
For boy fetus- dodge commercial.
As far as I’m concerned this is a poorly executed idea. Really, what about those poor first-time pregnant moms that lose their pregnancy? I wouldn’t be surprised if some sick fuck makes a sympathy card out of it just to cash in another 99 cents of someones emotions.
“Sorry Mom about making you queasy,”
…by sending you this disturbing card!
“Franklin says that “I was like any other new daddy to be. Confused, uncertain and looking for something that could stabilize [my wife's] emotions while showing her how much I appreciated her.””
STABILIZE HER? Right, because her feelings couldn’t be justified (high-risk pregnancy, remember, asshole?) and of course, as a big, strong MAN, you wouldn’t feel upset! Better find something to shut that ol’ biddy up, fer pete’s sake!
Gee, and I was all for waiting for my kids to be born, then seeing what sort of personality they had vs. “assigning” them one with a stupid greeting card (and the greeting card personality seems to be douchecanoe). I probably would have bitch-slapped anyone who gave me something like this.
While it IS nice to get a simple “congratulations on your pregnancy” card (usually with a handwritten note saying something like ‘hope you don’t throw up too much’), something from the FETUS is just the creepiest, most disgusting thing ever.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh!!!!!!!!
Groossss. The last thing I want is a blob of flesh calming me down with the grace of god like I’m a hormonal nutbag. Mainstream media is ridiculous.
Ri, I am totally referring to my fetus as a blob of flesh for the remainder of my pregnancy (of course, I currently refer to her as my parasite, so I’m not sure it’s much of a change).
What sort of artwork goes with these wretchedly worded sentiments?
Discarded ultrasound images?
Pen and ink illustrations of month-by-month fetal development?
Wacky big headed fetus caricatures?
Flowers in a basket?
Here is the CEO on LinkedIn:
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/keith-franklin/14/50/9ab
Since there is an article here:
http://fscwholesale.com/profile.html
that indicates they are/were sold in a Hallmark store, I just sent Hallmark in Kansas City a complaint.
[...] was hoppin’ mad about Queen_George’s guest post about creepy greeting cards for pregnant women. He loves the shit out of those cards. And he wants to Mansplain to us bitches [...]
Wow – there are some hateful people on this site. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t have the right too. I have seen the cards, and I think they are adorable. I know plenty of other people who have seen them and love them too. But that’s just my opinion, which I am entitled to, just like ya’ll are.
What I do find creepy is how so many of you can take the context of the cards and totally twist it around into something bad. Must be a lot of pessimistic people who read this blog.
Of course, no one will probably even get to read this since I’m sure it won’t even be published. Which goes to show how one-sided you all are thinking. Anyone who has an opinion other than your own doesn’t have a chance to voice their feelings. Low people, very low.
Of course, no one will probably even get to read this since I’m sure it won’t even be published. Which goes to show how one-sided you all are thinking. Anyone who has an opinion other than your own doesn’t have a chance to voice their feelings. Low people, very low.
Wrong again, Fred.
See, the thing is, derp, it’s OUR website. Therefore, if we want to call someone out for being a troll, well, it doesn’t matter whether you personally would apply that label.