A detail from my own personal (highly offensive) mating towel. Via sewitsforyou @ Flickr
That’s the good word from Georgia Gwinnett College researcher Steven Platek, who will shortly be publishing his findings on men’s preference for women’s surgically-altered asses.
And thank maude, y’know? Just the other day, I was saying “You know what we really need? More studies about what kind of disembodied lady-parts dudes like best!”
Platek’s study included showing 14 men (mmmm, that’s good science!) before-and-after pictures of the asses of 7 women who had undergone surgery to redistribute weight from their waists to their hips. And those dudes liked the “after” photos better. Enough so that the feature writer at LiveScience called little-in-the-middle-but-she-got-much-back a “drug” for men.
The good news: you don’t have to lose weight to catch a man, gals!
The bad news: you will need serious body-sculpting surgery.
The extra bad news: Platek, in what I can only assume is an attempt to make himself look like the biggest, shapeliest ass possible, is saying his findings may help explain pornography addiction, the absence of big hard rampagin’ wangs everywhere, and infidelity.
Although that seems like a really big way of saying “it’s your fault, Muffintop!,” the end of the article throws us a bone (but is it that kind of bone?):
These findings should not be construed as saying that men are solely programmed by their biology, nor that “women without optimal design should just hang up their mating towel,” Platek added.
Well, I feel better. Although maybe that’s because I feel like I can getgetget you drunk off all that junk inside my trunk.
PhDork, I have never come across the phrase “mating towel” before.
But in light of the “research”, I think I’d prefer to take my mating towel out of circulation.
The only “mating towel” I own is the one I spread over my sheets so I can have period sex without staining them.
That’s the only “mating towel” I could conceive of, Becky. Unless it’s some new term for wearing a colored handkerchief to telegraph your kink?
Um, “mating towel”? And it’s “hung up” when not in use? I just don’t even really know what to do with that.
Also, his suggestion that he’s not saying those of us w/o “optimal design” should hang ‘it’ up hardly constitutes a bone-throw. If his study pretends to demonstrate anything, it’s that those of us without optimal design should undergo major surgery to get it, right?
I call Logic-Fail all the way around on this: Weak Induction FTW!
I had a friend in college whose insult of choice was to call people “fuckwipe”. It turns out that is all I can think about when reading a post with “mating towel” in the title.
I’m pretty sure that, as far as this guy is concerned, THESE (http://www.refinery29.com/its-now-okay-to-lay-your-tits.php) are mating towels.
If so, I don’t have one to hang up. Pity.
To be fair, Georgia Gwinnett College is about a step above community college. Certainly not a bad school, but its staff aren’t exactly the cream of the academic crop.
@BeckySharper: That’s actually what I thought this article was about. I kind of love that it’s such a common phenomenon that PhDork commented on it too.
As a woman without optimal design, I’m relieved that I do not need to hang up my mating towel. As is my boyfriend, who (like all the men I’ve slept with) is totally into my sub-optimally-designed body.
What a perfectly ridiculous study. It’s like they wrangled some grant money to finance that American Apparel “best butt” contest I read about recently.
So, men are designed by (God?), but women are designed by Georgia Gwinnett College researchers? Can I trade my hourglass figure for knees that bend backwards so I can jump really high? That would be awesome fun.
Those 14 men? Toilette weasels.
Why the hell are we wasting money on this bullshit? They should have used the funds wasted on this and built those middle eastern ladies another safe bathroom.
Hell, I’m just glad he doesn’t appear to have declared that it’s because men are programmed to be attracted to women with good birthing hips.
Maybe the mating towel is a cloth you use to wipe up a little if you’re too lazy to get out of bed after mating. Though it seems likelier that that would be dirty laundry within reach of the bed.
Oh noes! I am terribly lacking in the hip department! But my substandard self doesn’t have extra fat on my waist (or anywhere else) to redistribute to give me the Optimal Design demonstated so clearly by Maxim and Playboy. They are the experts on female beauty you know. Dear oh dear, what ever should I do?
I know! I’ll spend thousands of dollars I don’t have on desperatly needed surgical implants so that I can snag a shallow asshole…I mean slimy douchebag, um wait, thats not it either. Give me a minute I’ll think of it.
Gee,what a sacrifice all those menz out there are making to mate with us, the poorly sculptured. You know what, menz? Close your eyes and think of England.
When a girl walks by with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get DRUNK.
I volunteer to sober them up.
I think the male “mating towel” might be the spunk sock.
Okay, I just grossed myself out.
I know the dude just mixed up “hang it up” and “throw in the towel,” but I’m SO enjoying the discussion of mating towels.
@Avogadro: Maybe the mating towel is a cloth you use to wipe up a little if you’re too lazy to get out of bed after mating.
I have a box of tissues next to my bed for that. But I should probably switch to a towel–it would be more environmentally friendly, and easier to hang up when my lovers realize my ass is not “optimally designed.”
I just don’t understand why this guy expects anyone to care. I mean, it doesn’t surprise me at all that men prefer bodies that have been modified to be more in accordance with the standards they’ve been taught — but clearly people who don’t fit the standards exactly are still getting laid. I’m all for critiquing the beauty myth but personally the paper’s apparent message (“14 random Georgian dudes think Ms. New Booty is legit dating advice!”) has…basically 0 application to my life.
The part that really boggles my mind is the bit where the researcher is proposing that men can’t get hard and cheat on women because the women aren’t hot enough. That’s just insulting to everyone.
It might also be like that experiment where they dimmed the lights in the factory and the workers worked better, then they raised the lights and the workers worked better. What the workers were reacting too was management paying attention to their working conditions, not the specific changes being made.
If that makes sense.
“When a girl walks by with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get DRUNK.”
@sarahmc: dude. I always thought the lyric was CRUNK but DRUNK makes much more sense. thank you. /friday fun thread call back.
Also, my “mating towel” is pink! cause I’m a girl, yo. Ladees love pink.
@bluebears & SarahMC: I hate to break it to y’all, but the lyric is “I get SPRUNG”. (I…uh…may have watched that video like 1,000 times too many in high school). Mondegreens FTW!
Becky, I know! I changed it to fit with this important news item.
Well done! The thought of Sir-Mix-a-Lot drunk on all those gyrating asses IS a lot less icky than him being all…sprung.
OHHHHHH!!! Thanks becky.
I got my shape early and was made fun of mercilessly when I was in middle school for having a big ass in proportion to the rest of my body. On the other hand, 15 or so years of experience later it’s apparent that this is one of the things a decent number of men like, for whatever reason. I’ve had mixed feelings about it for awhile, and I feel self-conscious in certain clothes–much the way many large-breasted women feel, I imagine. When I was younger, this kind of article would, sad to say, probably have made me feel better. These days I’m just as sick as many of you are of all the scrutiny of our bodies, their shapes, sizes, and proportions. We don’t subject men to the same public scrutiny, and we certainly don’t toss away good research money on it, though I’m sure those of us who prefer men have our–well–preferences, in terms of weight, height, shoulder width, bone structure, nose shape, or whatever. Who knows, maybe there are women out there who cheat because their guys’ clavicles aren’t pretty enough?
Wow, that is a highly offensive towel. Where on earth did it come from? I’m kind of fascinated.