GOLD STAR for Reader A
We occasionally get emails from readers about the sexist stuff they’ve encountered in their lives, with questions like “Did I do something wrong here?” or “What the eff is wrong with people?” I just got one last night, and I really wanted to address it, because I know it’s going to seem familiar to lots of harpies.
The reader in question had the misfortune of dealing with a male peer and co-member of a college group dedicated to supporting safe sex on campus who thought that smart-ass remarks about drugging women to avoid that whole sticky “consent” issue were Big Larfs.
To Reader A: I’m sorry you had to deal with the Rape Joke Posse, and that the president of your org didn’t have your back. I think you did exactly the right thing. Any guy who repeatedly defends his right to make rape jokes is NOT an ally, and calling out hateful behavior–especially in a calm, reasoned way, as you did–is praiseworthy. And really freakin’ hard to do. Regardless of what you said to that weasel and his bros, or how you said it, you were going to make them really uncomfortable, and they were going to respond with chest-puffery and DOOD! hi-fives.
And taking the matter to your president was right, too, even though I think she dropped the ball. She may have had her reasons, but given your organization’s mission, I feel like you (and she, and all members) are obligated to shut crap like that down toot-sweet: how can one advocate for reproductive rights–that is, for control over one’s own body–if one turns around and makes light of taking that right away from women, by advocating the use of drugs to rape them? Safe sex doesn’t just mean using a condom. That dude is a hypocrite, and horrible little shit. Self-proclaimed feminists do not joke about raping women, or anyone.
So, your question “when is it okay to Be A Bitch?” As often as you can stomach it. Let me say it again: You. Were. Right. You did the right thing. You might feel horrible about the whole thing, and downtrodden, and devalued, and I don’t blame you if you feel like throwing up your hands now and again. But Being a Bitch was the right and brave thing to do.
You said that your group had a conversation about how to handle this, and split between “Being a Bitch is Important” and “Don’t Make Feminists Look So Bad by Being a Bitch.” You know what camp I’m in. Yours. I don’t know if anything else comes of this episode, but if it does, I hope you’re able to rally and wave that Bitch Flag again.
A, I’m sure you’re not the only one of our readers who has dealt with this sort of thing. Readers, if this is all too familiar to you, can you let us know what you did, and how it turned out? And can we get some Bitch Love up in here, or what?
BITCH LOVE! BITCH LOVE!
WHOOT WHOOT!
(ahem)
I haven’t read the e-mail PhDork is referring to, but I don’t have to. I’m 100% sure the woman did the right thing. And sometimes, even if doing the right thing fails to produce the right response–an apology plus some awareness as to why said behavior was a problem–Being A Bitch is valuable simply because not acting can leave you stewing and blaming yourself for being cowardly and then stewing some more.
Also, the correct answer to: “You’re making us all look bad by Being A Bitch” is “You think that being a doormat makes us look good?”
On the sympathy for the rape apology thread, I mentioned that I’d been at the center of a small campus controversy because of an op-ed I wrote in our campus newspaper regarding a performer that was brought to campus. My situation was different from A’s but a lot of the dynamics were the same — I was criticizing misogynistic jokes and got a lot of “you’re oversensitive and should just shut up” type comments back, and those in power (in my case, the deans) didn’t really have my back.
But change is possible! In response to the situation, the newspaper has changed its comment policy to be less friendly to trolls and the administration is going to be very careful about who they approve to come to campus in the future.
Being a Bitch: It’s Awesome. Good job, A!
I’m really impressed by Reader A. I was put in that situation time and again in college, by my teammates and by my peers in safe-sex and GLBT-awareness groups. My teammates — the people you might expect to be horrible — were actually quite supportive when I spoke out. Then again, because I was speaking to fellow “jocks,” I usually couched it in the form of a caustic joke.
I usually didn’t have the chutzpah to speak up to my fellow “progressives,” because they were less likely to listen, and more likely to get nasty when they were defensive. To some degree, I think it’s a product of the immaturity of many college students; I remember being hard to “get to” about race issues when I was in college. I was confronted about it very memorably in junior year, and while I sort of blustered about it, it was the first time I really started to think about how much privilege I had.
In sum, Reader A did something difficult, but very worthy. It was not Reader A’s obligation — you are never obligated to educate the privileged — but she took a vital step in making a better atmosphere for others. There’s a possibility that this was the first chink in the armor of ignorance for this guy, as it were. It’s a tiny step, but it’s a step.
And for the record, my first serious girlfriend in college got my attention by being stridently bitchy about GLBT rights — when I was way too shy to be outspoken — at a student government meeting. Think of it as a perk?
Hey A,
My sister and I had a discussion in the car once about something we should have said in an inappropriate situation but didn’t. Then, we decided we each needed to Be a Bitch more often: neither had never once regretted speaking up when something rankled her, while each had frequently wasted hours regretting staying silent.
That douchebag joked about perpetrating violence against women that is all-too-common on college campuses. He needed to shut his fool mouth. Good on you for trying to make him.
I can’t believe your president thinks the best way to make feminist progress is to keep quiet in the face of misogyny. She is very wrong. You are right, and you did the best you could. We support ya.
Something somewhat similar happened to me.
Possible trigger warning.
A (former) friend of mine had been trying to get under my skin with rape jokes, which I was ignoring. So he pushed it further by looking me in the eye and declaring he was going to rape me. So, I smacked on the nose and told him to never say that to me again (Not the most enlightened response but, it was frankly triggering, I’d believe it of him, and I knew words would be insufficient). After some arguments, we gave up on him admitting that he crossed too many lines too many times, and he was eventually ejected from the social group altogether.
I’m on your side, Reader A!
The hardest thing to do is stand up for what’s right–or for yourself–when you feel like you’re all alone. So good for you and keep doing what you’re doing, because it does make a difference, even if sometimes you can’t immediately see it!
@Occam – “neither had never once regretted speaking up when something rankled her, while each had frequently wasted hours regretting staying silent.”
This is so true! If I miss an opportunity, I can spend the rest of the day thinking about what I should have said. If I take it, I might dislike the results or the consequences, but at least I’m cool with myself.
@Kimberly: Fuck enlightened. He deserved it. He wants to freak you out by acting like a rapist, he gets treated like a rapist–by getting smacked. He’s lucky you didn’t knee him in the groin.
What a horrible, shitty thing to do. I also have the sinking feeling that if he really didn’t get what was wrong with his behavior in that context, he was probably also the kind of guy who wouldn’t listen to a “no” in a sexual context. Just as well he’s out of your social circle.
@baraqiel: Glad it works for you too!
My thanks to the Harpies, because that convo with my sis in the car happened a year before I started reading this blog. Since coming here, I’ve basically added a big thought bubble to that memory that says “Translation: BE A BITCH”.
For me, and I hope for A, just the support of a group of people reminding each other to speak up really helps fuel the Mouthiness of Righteous Indignation!
HOLY SHIT, Kimberly. I think smacking him was rather restrained, given the circumstances. But good for you (and your friends), too, for making it crystal clear that threatening rape CANNOT be done in jest, and will get you ostracized from the people you claim as friends.
Reader A, you did the right thing. I hate how this shit can get iside your head until you think that the RIGHT thing is actually somehow the WRONG thing. Thank you for sticking to what you know to be right; it’s definitely not an easy thing to do, and it sounds like the fallout has been pure misery for you. I wish I could buy you a drink!
What’s that saying? Well-behaved women rarely make history?
I employ the bitch strategy every time I’m escorting at the clinic. Especially with the guy antis, it’s quite effective. They think women have no right to their own decisions in the first place, so having a woman get up in their faces and tell them to back off is quite a wake up moment for them.
Oh, and btw, Reader A: you were absolutely right, and we’ve all got your back!
This is how change is made. Someone has the courage to speak up, and even if they don’t succeed the first time, their listeners hear the message, and it begins to germinate. And for some of them, a flower of liberation (a poet I’m not) will grow. And on it goes, until we’re all free!
BITCH LOVE!!
Also, @Kimberly: I agree, hitting him was rather restrained. I probably would have made a spirited attempt to break his nose.
Good for you, Reader A. KEEP DOING IT.
I was just talking the other night about how girls (and boys) are taught to speak up when people make them uncomfortable – the sex predator talk – but how all too often when a girl (or later in life, a woman) takes a deep breath, looks around, realizes she’s sick of being godamn uncomfortable, and speaks up, she’s told she probably misunderstood. Or relax. Or stop walking home from school that way…
The accommodation has to stop. Good for you for finding the courage to start.
I had a boyfriend once we will name Jackass.
Everything was candy and kittens until I caught on that he had a problem with his younger sister who was in college because she was “acting out”. Once some gentle random questions happened I was able to find out that her acting different was her wearing pants, not shaving and talking to a lesbian that she started to develope feelings for. I tried to remind him that she’s A. Exploring her options, B. Being smart about shaving since her body apparently tends to break out and C. In cold climate so why not wear pants?
His nasty attitude towards her became worse when she confided in him that her girlfriend was a rape victim and had an abortion because of it. After that she lost her trust in men. He went into a shame-on-you and her over the entire topic. Stupid ass forgot I was within earshot of the conversation and I about physically assulted him. Not only was he being a whitemanpig but his sister had TRUSTED him with some heavy stuff. And he was being an asshole. When he got off the phone he berated me about how I acted and told me that girl could have “just given someone else the baby” like it was a pair of old shoes or something!
It was hard to keep calm and harder still when he said, “Why are you so over sensitive about it? Is it just because you got molested as a child?” I am proud to say that I walked out of his life after that. NEVER stay quiet when the situation clearly calls for a response. The only thing I regret is not seeing that coming sooner.
Way to go, A! Even though it sounds like these clods weren’t backing you up, hopefully your words will stick in their heads for later use. You planted a good seed; hopefully it will sprout into an enlightenment tree eventually.
The other useful benefit of Being A Bitch that I have learned (and that came to me later in life than I would’ve liked!) is that it weeds out destructive people from your life. For example, I dated a guy who tended to make fat-phobic jokes. He claimed they shouldn’t bother me, because I’m thin, but every time he made one it stung me. It took me a while to say something, but one day I finally let him have it with a venomous tongue. The behavior didn’t stop, and so I knew that it was time to weed him out of my life. Had I been the Bitch earlier on, I would’ve gotten rid of him that much sooner and wasted even less time on him!
So Kudos to you A, and to all of you who Bring the Bitch. You rock!!
Good for you! It’s hard to speak up but worth it – and it gets easier each time you do. A recent tough one was asking a colleague not to use ‘gay’ as a pejorative in work emails – by email.
Agree with Queen_George re: weeding out of destructive people – and with Mischiefmanager. It can also help the thoughtless a bit, and not necessarily the person you’re directing your comments at.