In an interview she gave to the Daily Mail this weekend, Drew Barrymore was asked about the lack of good movie roles for women over 40. Drew opined:
‘I admit I’ve been fortunate. I’m not at that place yet, age-wise, and maybe when I am I’ll feel that way. But I think, “Get over it! Don’t be bitter and complainy! Figure out something else to do with your life.” It sucks that it’s sexist, and it sucks that it’s not often the case for men, but you don’t have to sit on the couch and be angry that you’re not getting roles.
“Bitter” is a favorite put-down for Drew. Elsewhere in the interview, she observes “I just find bitter people really un-fun, you know.” Got that? Women who protest ageism and objectification in Hollywood are just “bitter”, “complainy” and need to “get over it.” It’s the trifecta of chauvinist dismissal! Thanks, Drew!
In a Jezebel comment thread about the interview, a commenter observed: “I feel about the word “bitter” much the same way I feel about the world “nag.” Another chimed in: Yes, and “shrill”. Not my favorite words.
Sing it, sisters! After reading the Rupert Myers op-ed yesterday, I’ll add: “indignant” to the list, as in “indignant feminists.” It’s such a drag when people—read: women—are indignant, bitter, shrill or nagging! Why can’t we just shut up and accept the way things are?
Any loaded words/phrases you bitter harpies would like to be shrill, indignant or complainy about? Nag away in the comments….
In my experience people seem to reserve the word “insipid” almost exclusively for women and it makes my skin crawl.
I also hate this idea, perpetuated by our friend Drew up there, that anyone who complains about anything has limited their actions solely to complaining. Like, the complaining leads you directly to “sit on the couch and be angry,” as if anger isn’t getting you of the proverbial couch in the first place.
Can i say a phrase? Because if I hear ” you just need to put yourself in my place, and think how I feel” one more time I am going to scream. And I have yet to hear that phrase directed at a man.
Or is that just the craptastic place I work and live?
Mine is “You’re reading too much into this.” No, most times I’m “reading” exactly what I need to reading into it, and it’s making you uncomfortable.
I hate that ambitious has a positive connotation for men and a negative connotation when used in reference to a woman.
Any reference to hysteria or implied mental instability is guaranteed to get my teeth grinding.
“Vapid.” Only used to describe women (and objects of entertainment) and VERY overused in describing women who won’t go out with Nice Guys(TM) who clearly deserve to date any woman ever, but the vapid [insert slurs of choice] refuse.
“Looking for things to get offended by”. Because being offended is so much fun!
(PS I read that excerpt and had to forcibly stop my head from exploding because of just how blind Drew Barrymore is to how important her family connections are in getting her roles. I’m not saying she’s not talented, but Hollywood runs on that sort of nepotism and she seems to think that everyone casts her only because she’s just that fabulous an actress. “Well, other ladies, if your dreams are denied because of an unfair and prejudiced system, why be upset? Just go do something else!”)
Ha, this 55 year old just uploaded that fantastic picture to her fb profile. I ain’t got time for bitter, I’m too busy being a Bitch.
And, you know, Drew, when people are told they’re no longer employable in their jobs because of their age, that’s ILLEGAL DISCRIMINATION.
Just sayin’.
My, I am all about caps today.
How about loud and selfish? Meaning, she’s acting assertive and she’s not thinking about you menz.
being accused of acting like a “victim”
Whiny. Because only women, children, and puppies who can’t get their way whine.
When a man tells me I need to “pick my battles” when I complain about casual chauvinism, it makes me LIVID.
I often say “I know exactly how to pick my battles. And I’m picking this one.”
(I beg to differ, misscalculate—I’ve heard a lot of male singers described as “whiny”…but then again, that could be to suggest that they’re, horror of horrors, effeminate!)
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, “cute.” God, it makes me cringe even just typing it. It’s the ultimate example of a backhanded compliment, and ALWAYS makes me feel like I’m five years old when I’m called that for whatever reason, even if the person didn’t intend it that way (although that’s almost always the case when a man says it) “Sweet,” “adorable” and “precious”—hell, anything that carries even the slightest note of infantilization—can be used to such an end and makes my skin crawl, but nothing does it like the dreaded C-word.
“Overeducated.” I still can’t get over this one. My partner got this in response when he objected to someone we know talking about women as pieces of meat. As if education is a bad thing.
@mischiefmanager Thank you for saying that. It’s totally illegal discrimination. Yes!
‘Aggressive’ – I’m completely baffled and irritated by this one. It rarely seems to accurately describes my actions, and I’m not even convinced that that’s necessarily a bad thing even if it did, and yet that’s how it’s used.
I hate when my angry silence is dismissed as “pouting.” Because when a man does it, it’s because he’s too angry to speak without saying something he’ll regret, but when a woman does it, it’s because she’s a bratty child.
Like dillene ‘hysterical’ is guaranteed to piss me off in seconds flat.
And as with Kathy and BeckySharper, being told that I’m making too big a deal about something.
But my favorite? Being told to “calm down.”
@thiswoman: Yes! And it’s often followed with something like “you’re just being so emotional .”
HEAD ESSPLODE!
Anything along the lines of “That’s just the way it is.” I have heard a lot of men who identify as feminist (or at least identify as Nice Guys) throw this one at me as a silencing tactic. This is definitely related to BeckySharper’s “pick your battles”, in that both are dismissals of usually-valid concerns or observations.
I notice that almost all of the entries are essentially silencing tactics — ways of making women feel ashamed of whatever they’re trying to do/express. I tried to come up with a pet peeve word/phrase that’s NOT primarily a silencing tactic, but I couldn’t really think of one….
Drew is just wrong when she says “Figure out something else to do” like years of training and devotion to your craft can be just “figured” away when you turn forty.
sorry that’s not on topic but I am seeing out of red eyeballs right now
@Kari: Excellent point. The only thing I can think of that doesn’t fall into the “silencing tactics” column would be negging, i.e. insulting women to try to manipulate them into doing things they don’t want to do.
For example, calling a woman a prude or saying that she’s “no fun” or “stuck up” because she doesn’t want to fuck/drink/party.
@Kari – I mean, I really hate it when people pull out the, “Well, back in caveman times, [an assertion that they cannot possibly prove], therefore [sexist thing] is just natural”, but that’s more of a philosophy than a phrase.
I agree with Kathy on the “reading too much into this.” I’ve gotten that from certain people every time I’ve ever tried to point out sexism/racism/homophobia in a commercial, movie, television show, etc. Cuz if it’s “entertainment,” that means it’s obviously innocuous.
Also, I’ve heard “bickering” frequently used to describe women who voice disagreement, especially with one another. In fact, I was once in a Feminist Theory class (!) where the one Mansplainer thought it was totally appropriate to suggest that the theorists we were reading were “wasting their time bickering with one another” about the best way to combat sexism.
Strident really is THE classic.
I’ll throw in “you need to develop a thicker skin” and “you can catch more flies with honey.” The latter advice is ALWAYS, exclusively, directed at women who are being “difficult”. Men are advised to stand up for themselves, be assertive, MAN UP, etc., but apparently conflict resolution for a woman should consist solely of arse kissing tactics. The more submissive and less threatening you can make yourself, the better. Well, eff that noise.
You’re being too sensitive, a drama queen, and “that’s not how things REALLY work”. I hate the last one in particular, because in addition to being invalidating, it’s also soooo condescending. I’ve heard it often in the working world…
Stories about how guy’s ex-girlfriends are Crazy really get to me. I’m always like: Really? So you broke up because she had a diagnosed but untreated mental illness, and not because she had stongly help opinions which were different than yours and which you felt no need to discuss or compromise on? How terribly sad, for you.
Irrational KILLS me. I think it’s reductive on a couple of levels. It reduces the validity of making a decision because of your emotions, or even with emotional awareness, even though adding in emotions is completely valid decisionmaking. It also is a hit to women, because women are percieved as making decisions emotionally, and men are percieved as thinking rather than feeling.
The phrase “the exception that proves the rule” should be treated as an obscenity.
“Chill out” and “calm down” both drive me bananas. My partner once used “calm down” on me, and I was like, “[silence.]” and he immediately was like, “I’m sorry that’s not what I meant, I mean that you’re going to make yourself sick, literally, and I don’t want you to be throwing up all night because someone used the word “cunt” at the bar.” Or whatever it was.
Today in class, as we were going over our response papers, one kid opened up with “I wrote about, basically, how Beatrice is a bitch to Dante when he finally meets her.” My eyebrows shot up, and then one kid jokingly said, “yeah but I hear she’s a total babe.” I was like, “Um, yeah I don’t like the direction this class is going, so can we continue from here on out as if the feminist movement did in fact exist? Thanks.” And the kid who started was like, “What’s wrong with the word bitch? I can use bitch. I can call him a bitch, I can call a guy a bitch.” I so didn’t want to get into it, not only because the class is annoying but also because once I get going I can’t be gentle about that shit, and I’d have pummeled him into the ground to display his ignorance, and we’d never finish talking about Purgatory, and also I’d look really mean because he’s not as smart as me. But in the end I told him that using the word bitch as an insult for a man only words because it effeminizes him, and feminine is BAD. Then everyone got crabby and proceeded to disagree with me all class about all my points (which were inspired by a book called Medieval Misogyny, so…). But at least nobody used the word bitch again.
I also hate “overreacting” or “overanalyzing,” and I hate it every time someone suggests I’m a graduate student when I talk about socialization, culture, or complex topics. Stuff like, “You need to get out of the classroom and into the real world more often, then you’ll finally understand why shaving my legs is a powerful empowerfulling feminist experience.” Barf.
‘Simper’ is a word that makes me grind my teeth. I usually read it in books as it seems to be out of casual use in spoken language. I don’t know how such a disgusting word ever got linked to women.
When I hear ‘irrational’ or ‘calm down’, my head explodes.
I was just telling my manpanion about this post and was describing the words we are talking about and he, having recently come here from Taiwan, didn’t recognise the word “hysterical”. We looked it up in Chinese and he recognised it; the word was transliterated into Chinese from the English (it’s pronounced “xie si di li”).
I explained how the word is offensive in English, and he was surprised because apparently in Chinese it’s used equally for men and women and doesn’t at all carry the “you’re crazy in the uterus” historical connotation that the English use does.
I think it’s interesting (and awesome) that they borrowed the word, but not the sexist overtones!
A lot of the words being brought up which are not applied to men and women equally seem to indicate that men’s reactions to the world are real and genuine while women’s reactions are not real and genuine reactions, but are designed to manipulate men and make them feel a certain way.
It’s like when a man hits and woman, she crys and he gets angrier because he didn’t feel guilty about his actions until he saw her reactions. But expanded to a societal scale.
This one might be unique to me, but “Here we go again…” whenever I point out sexism is really getting me to the point where I want to throatpunch people. Oh, “here we go again, I can’t just call a stranger a cunt without getting called on it”; “here we go again, every time a woman is raped and the first reaction is to debate the likelihood that she’s a liar…”; “here we go again, [yvanehtnioj] has got her panties in a bunch…” Yes, motherfucker, HERE WE GO AGAIN. And we will continue to go here until you stop that behavior.
Incidentally, anyone who actually uses the phrase “panties in a bunch / twist” should have to take a 3 month vow of silence.
The word “panties” is my least favorite word in the English language. It makes me twitch when I hear it spoken out loud.
I’ll tell ya my new favorite word: manpanion
@SarahMC: Mine too! Kudos to Adara!
@PetiteXL – “Sensitive” is the killer for me in most discussions of sexism. Good call.
And I’m sick and tired of being called “intense.”
YES, my SO has now be renamed my manpanion. And panties is the worst word ever. Makes me shudder. As far as the rest of the stupid things people say, you’ve covered them all!
This may just be me but “anal retentive” pisses me right off. I have a job reviewing cases which means I find errors others have done (often). If I hear “you’re being anal” about some policy or error, I’m going to go trucknutz insane. No, I’m not being anal by pointing out your errors and getting you to correct them so that we remain in policy.
Another personal one for me is that if I don’t have the top degree in some field, I must not know what I’m talking about. Recently a coworker (male and jehovah’s witness), was saying that we were living in the end times based on his elder’s discussion of Revelation. He also mentioned that Obama may be the Antichrist which is when I interrupted. I asked him if he thought the bible was literally true or metaphorical. He replied saying that the bible was both – it was literally true And used symbolic language.
I then started asking him, “which is the book of Revelation?”
But before I could finish my sentence, he interrupted me and asked, ” are you a biblical scholar?”
“No,” and before I could add, ‘are You a biblical scholar?’ he made the claim that I couldn’t invalidate his claim that Obama may be the Antichrist because I’m not the pre-eminent scholar on the bible.
I then asked him, “are you saying that only biblical scholars can interpret the bible?”. He said, “Yes” then when he realized what he had just said told me, “but I listen to people who are scholars of the bible.” Which, I guess, somehow trumps what I had been saying.
One last one I hate hearing from the women at work is some derivation of, “well no one forced/made her do X.”. A co-worker was upset today because her relationship may be ending and the other older women (who behave like teenaged girls) stated that it was essentially her fault because no one made her go out with him, behind her back. These women generally apologize anything men do by blaming women. They are apologicists in every situation (domestic violence, rape, men who cheat, sexism at work, etc). They drive me insane!
Peace!
@bellacoker: Yes! That’s exactly it… Great observation.
@everybody: Panties. The WORST. Ugh.
“Immature”
The implication being
“You haven’t reached my level of understanding but you will once you drop the obstacle-ising idealism”
…when I know (and hope, in my heart-of-hearts) that I’ll never-ever-ever-ever get there …
All of you panty-hatin’ ladies need to give me a list of alternatives so i don’t offend your sensibilities in any future underwear-related posts! (cuz you know there will be some!)
Personally, “undies” always made me gag, but “panties” never bothered me.
While I’m not a fan of undies or panties, I am totally a fan of underpants.
@Becky – Intimates? Delicates? Unmentionables? (I hope you read that in an increasingly creepy and unctuous voice, as that is how I typed it.)
Sitting on a park bench
eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose
greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun
Watching as the frilly panties run. Yuuuckkk!!!!
In addition to it just sounding a bit infantilizing to begin with… People seem to enjoy saying it just a little too much.
I’m with @notmandy and underpants. It’s a bit longer and I kinda like that it’s awkward, for some reason. It sounds funny to me.
Oh no! Block quotes don’t work? Well, I’ve at least saved some of you from some creepy Jethro Tull lyrics…
Blockquotes are weird on this site…I don’t know why. But I used admin magic to change it to itals!
Also…eww.