Tim sez: I'm concerned...
If you’ve read this blog for a while, you’ll know I’m definitely not a slave to fashion. While I can pick out a sexy cocktail dress or a cute jeans-and-t-shirt combo, I don’t consider myself an expert on style. But even I know fug when I see it…and if what I saw on my recent trip is any indicator, Europe’s strategic stockpile of fugly clothing is located in the Low Countries. While vacationing there last week, MamaSharper and I walked past a lot of clothing stores, which all had big display windows with mannequins dressed in fashions that can only be described as deeply, deeply fugly. It appeared that all the cheapest textiles, most garish prints and chintzy trims had been drop-shipped to Belgium and the Netherlands for this year’s collection. And this year’s collection appeared to have been designed by people who despise women. A couple times, we witnessed an outfit so appalling that we turned to each other with our jaws hanging and said, “Did you see that?” in the same urgent, hushed tones we would have used for a UFO sighting.
The clothes we saw were so uniformly, fabulously hideous, so outrageously ugly and unflattering that I was forced to have my mom take snapshots of me modeling them because otherwise you would not have believed me when I told you how fugly they were.*
Click on the jump for a gallery of Eurofug, complete with Harpy commentary. Be forewarned: this gallery includes what may be the fugliest dress ever made…
From Belgium:
Yes, it’s Seinfeld’s Pirate Shirt meets tropical sunset on acid! The print is cornea-searing, the polyester chiffon probably flamable, and the smocking at the bottom guarantees you’ll look puffy and plump.
PhDork: One party gypsy, one part Golden Girls. All parts fugtastic.
sarah.of.a.lesser.god: It’s like a set of Mr. Sketch markers threw up on a shirt.
From Holland:
Leopard! Fakey gold chain! Boxy cut! Big-ass titty bow! What you can’t tell from the photo is that the top is a cheap felted wool that would have you itching and sweating in no time.
sarah.of.a.lesser.god: The leopard print screams ‘cougar’, the titty bow screams ‘grade school.’ Holy mixed messages, Batman!
PhDork: Oh, Mad Men, what hath thou wrought? (Have they seen MM in the Netherlands?)
From Belgium:
It’s a tunic! It’s a muumuu! It’s a tunic AND a muumuu! And in busy, cheesy, retro print! This bears a disturbing similarity to the flannel nightgowns my grandma made me when I was a kid.
sarah.of.a.lesser.god: Ooh, it’s like Mother Ginger from the Nutcracker!
PhDork: From the Sharon Tate maternity line. I mean really, wtf is up with that bow? On a dropped yoke? For an ADULT?
From Holland:
The fabric was a cheap-ass silky polyester with an ugly pink zig-zag pattern on a dark brown background, but the killer was the big woven lace collar, presumably recycled from a Laura Ashley Easter dress circa 1983. Oh, and there was more lace at the hem, in case you missed that collar!
PhDork: This looks like something you’d find on the floor of a gold rush-era whorehouse. Only cheaper.
sarah.of.a.lesser.god: Costume for the new Broadway musical, Hello Doily!
And now, the Fugliest Dress Ever, from Belgium:
This one had me and Mom laughing so loud the shopowner wanted to kick us out. First of all, the textiles clash. On the bottom, ugly, grayish netting covers a weird, amorphous print in dismal colors. On the top, a print that looks like someone’s is scrawling their handwriting over your boobs. Then there’s the random dangly stringy bolo thing in the front. And the useless, kindergarten-like bright plastic buttons on the neckline (WTF?). But the worst part? IT HAS SUSPENDERS! SRSLY! Fake suspenders sewn into the shoulder seam and the bustline!
SarahMC: I don’t have anything funny to say about this, but when I saw the thumbnail I was like hey, what’s wrong with that? Then I enlarged it and…wow.
PhDork: Nice nipple clamps, Becks.
sarah.of.a.lesser.god: They found my second grade sewing project! I’ve been looking for it since 1988!
PhDork: You know it’s fashion, because it says so right on the fabric.
BeckySharper: To make this dress even stranger, in the back there was a little ribbon with a ring dangling off it, presumably so that if I starred in a revival of “Peter Pan”, the zip wire could be attached there and I could fly around.
PhDork: I think its a leash-clip. If you wear this dress, you shouldn’t be going out in public by yourself.
*With sincere apologies to any readers from Belgium or the Netherlands if you designed or bought these outfits.
The first one reminds me of something I learned on “Jeopardy” last night: that the tropical colors in the Lily Pulitzer line of kids’ clothes were chosen to hide juice stains. Not accusing Belgian women of not being able to drink like adults, just observing…
And yeah, that Belgian tunic thing reminds me of maternity clothes back in the day when I was buying them. In those days, one didn’t call attention to one’s pregnant belly-gee, I wonder why. I bet that the clingier maternity clothes that are the fashion now are more comfortable than the baggy style, in that they give more support to the belly.
So, harpies and friends, the lesson here is: skip the clothes in the Low Countries and proceed directly to the chocolate.
SOALG and PhDork are so much funnier than me.
But I think Zooey Deschanel would totally wear Outfit No. 2.
I bet Zooey Deschanel would have worn a LOT of the fugly crap I saw. And the press would be like “Oh, she’s so quirky and adorable in her Eurofug!”
It’s probably just high fashion. Which always seems completely ugly/impossible to understand to people with fewer than a gazillion dollars.
Cracks me up. All the fashion and design blogs for women are so… boring anyoldwho. This is irony and awesomeness in one big mockery bundle.
@Melissa: None of these outfits cost more than 50 euros, though, and they were from stores in train stations and along the high street. (I never could have gotten away with taking snapshots in a designer store!)
@Becky
Lol, alright. I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway. Fashion baffles me.
I must admit that about ten years ago, at the tender age of eighteen, I bought a shirt that kinda runs in the same vein as the Fugliest Dress From Belgium (TM), which had silkscreened newspaper clippings. I bought it because it was cheap and it fit, and one of the clippings was a Doonesbury strip.
So, my point is that I’m sure some poor misguided soul eventually bought the Fugly dress.
Yeah, me too! Especially really cheap ugly clothes! I mean, you expect that expensive designer-wear might be ugly, and you’d say, “Oh, that Gaultier is ridiculous…but it’s FASHION! It cost $5,000!”
These clothes have no such excuse!
That last comment was for Melissa, btw.
I looked at number two and went: Well, if it was a nice circle skirt in cotton, that might be nice…wait, is that a gold chain belt? Is that a bow?
So I guess the moral of this is that I want a leopard print circle skirt to twirl around in. I don’t know what this says about me.
This is the funniest fashion review I’ve ever read. The fugliest dress ever is mind-boggling, and my 19 year old sister would buy it in a heartbeat.
This is the weird crap that winds up on the European Designer rack at Century 21, marked down from $380 to $275 to $99.99 and finally $49.69, at which point some idiot snatches it up thinking she got the steal of the year.
A year later, when she finds it in her closet with the tags still on, she donates it to the Salvation Army. There it’s tagged at 99 cents, but the thrifty shoppers are too smart to buy it, and it winds up being sold by the pound in a pile of rags.
@Emaloo: Tell your sister she can pick it up at the dress shop in the Brugge train station!
I actually quite like the Fugliest Dress. But then, I’m Dutch.
To be honest, Holland only gets it right every five years or so. The rest of the time it’s midrif jackets and miniskirts in winter and lots of layers and stuff in summer.
I must say that when I was in France, I also saw some of the best and the worst fashion of my life. Of course there was a lot of chic on parade, but there were also a ton of fug maxi-dresses. Near our dorm there was this tiny hole-in-the-wall French version of Wet Seal that sold the most insane club shirts I’ve ever seen. I picked up this shirt there for 5 euro that is obviously flammable, has a ridiculous print *and* sequins, and has a dangling cheap metal pendant in the back. It’s amazing. I will totally take a picture and post it later this afternoon.
It’s not just the low countries, over here in America we may not be aware of it but the horrible truth is that Europe and the UK in particular are in the grip of some hideous Eighties nostalgia fashionfest.
When I was last back in the UK i saw grown women wearing all of the following: pedal pushers (some even in velvet), leg warmers, pussy cat bows, neon graffiti t-shirt dresses, neon pop socks over laddered tights, shoulder pads.
And they wore them without irony people because (and this is the kicker) they were so young that they’d no idea that the Eighties ever truly existed.
It was terrifying. Like being stuck in an endless loop of Dynasty and early 90210.
My crazy French 5 euro shirt:
http://imgur.com/7ncf5.jpg
http://imgur.com/AWnnE.jpg
OMG, I have seen that brown polka dotted dress before!
….*searches*….
http://www.modcloth.com/store/ModCloth/Womens/Dresses/Printed/Keiko+Lynn+Dress?utm_medium=CJaffiliate&utm_campaign=CJ&utm_source=CJ
hahaaaa~~~
I think if it were, I dunno…not a baby-doll silhouette, and/or ditched a couple of the “girly” elements…then it might be okay?
But as it is–no thanks!
@Baraqiel: I think that shirt’s actually kind of awesome, in a fugly, wacked-out way! But it looks like it would disintegrate in a washing machine.
@Adara: That’s definitely it! No question. The biggest problem with it is that the fabric–and lace–were incredibly cheap. I mean, really icky polyester silky stuff and the lace was scratchy and up close, it looked like a paper doily. If it were made out of higher-quality materials, a different silhouette, maybe someone could pull it off…although you’d have to love that big lace collar, which IMHO is retro in a bad way.
@Becky – It’s definitely fun to wear to parties where I don’t have to take myself too seriously.
I have never actually washed it, however.
Oh noes!!1!!! I actually like some of these, especially the Fugliest Dress Ever. I guess I should hop on a plane to the Netherlands/Belgium…
I’m far too old and too, uh, PetiteXL (or as my friend accidentally said one day, “PetiteXXL”) to wear these things comfortably, though I appreciate the sense of fun and light-heartedness. It seems these clothes are geared for the teenage set. Very Forever21…
I see much worse in Israel all the time. I’ve gotten really used to all the fugly sequins/bedazzled stuff/leopard print/etc.
I’m sorry but I found this piece offensive. What is the point here? Did Becky see any actual Belgian or Dutch women wearing “fugly” clothes? Coz I’m going to bet no. These were probably on display in the weird overpriced tourist traps on the canals that no sane European actually shops in. So what’s with the xenophobic insults?
I’m not entirely sure what the word “eurofug” is supposed to mean, just like I have never been entirely sure what the word “eurotrash” is supposed to mean, but it doesn’t sound very respectful of people different to yourselves.
How would the Harpies feel if they came across unflattering and unfounded opinions about the sophistication or fashion sense of Americans? If somebody used the word American as a synonym for bad taste? Because believe me, over at this side of the pond the US is not held up as a bastion of chic by any means. But the thing is, I don’t like this kind of narrow-mindedness any better even when I’m not on the receiving end – why do you? If you want to make fun of ridiculous fashion trends, go ahead – but please lets not pretend that the US is immune to them.
How would the Harpies feel if they came across unflattering and unfounded opinions about the sophistication or fashion sense of Americans? If somebody used the word American as a synonym for bad taste.
Happens all the time, and it doesn’t bother me a bit. American culture/fashion has never been synonymous with good taste or elegance, and I’ve frequently snarked on it myself on this site.
If people mock American fashion with a sense of humor, I don’t mind. Life’s too short to take fugly fashions that seriously…or to equate laughing at them with xenophobia.
@Christina: if what you see at any mall in America is representative of American ideas of fashion, then for sure we are all living in fashion hell. And I’d say the same thing for a lot of American high fashion designers, whose clothes usually look to me like a way to insult or belittle women.
Recent story: My daughter, her bf and I were driving across the state and we stopped at a turnpike rest stop. Daughter and I were commenting on the assortment of unflattering and plain old ugly clothes we were seeing, and she railed about women who wear tights or leggings as pants with a tunic over them. In mid-speech, while we were washing our hands in the women’s room, we turned around and lo and behold, there was a woman wearing the very garments Daughter had mentioned (loudly)-and looking none too pleased. We made a hasty exit and laughed all the way back to the car.
@Christina – I actually read this piece as a reflection of how chic we Americans tend to think Europeans are and how it’s surprising when they (sometimes) don’t live up to our idealizations of European sophistication (Becky, this might not be what you intended). Sort of a “celebrities! They’re just like us!” thing. That was how I reacted regarding France, anyway — I expected all the clothes there to be so beautiful and tasteful that when there was crazy over-the-top stuff too, I was surprised and I felt it made the fashion scene there a little more accessible in a way.
The fugliest dress in Belgium reminded me of nothing so much as this:
http://www.ivstatic.com/files/et/imagecache/636/files/slides/satc-sjp-dior.jpg
That Carrie Bradshaw newspaper dress I thought was cheap and ill-fitting and ugly even in 2001 when it debuted. HIDEOUS.
And that dress was Dior!
@SkiptoMyLou: Wow, that is really fugtastic. But it needs ornamentation! Maybe some right plastic buttons or some fake suspenders or a big lace doily on top!
Christina,
If Becky (or s.o.a.l.g. or I) had been snarking on people, I would accept your point. But the target of the critique is ugly *clothes.* Which are hardly the unique provenance of the Low Countries–Americans are not known as a particularly stylish people–but that “the cheapest textiles, most garish prints and chintzy trims had been drop-shipped to Belgium and the Netherlands for this year’s collection.” Not: har har har, Dutch women are stupid and ugly and Belgians (Belgiennes?) are clearly deranged. Becky didn’t take pictures of pedestrians and then mock them, headless-fatty style, about their taste.
@Baraqiel: ZOMG my friend Erica would LOVE that shirt. I believe she owns several like it, actually. But then, her taste has always been questionable
Sometimes she gets it right, but sometimes she gets it so wrong. However, she is drop-dead gorgeous, and can pull off some really unexpected stuff. Having a super-quirky personality helps 