A gem of an observation from an article in today’s New York Times Sports section about how female family members of ex-football players are pressuring the NFL to acknowledge traumatic brain injury among football players. As the article noted, the ones pursuing the NFL on this issue are not the players themselves, but the women in their lives:
But what if men were to find that a woman’s product — cosmetics, for example — were dangerous? Would the husbands fight for change as passionately?
“I don’t think so,” said [Eleanor] Perfetto, a senior policy director at Pfizer [and widow of NFL lineman Ralph Wenzel]. “I think it’s the way women handle health issues. If it were all women who were sick, it would probably be a lot of women taking care of them. That’s kind of how health issues are handled in our society.”
Yes. Yes it is. That’s why I get furious at men who dismiss or bad-mouth health care reform. That’s fucking easy for you to say! I always want to scream at them. It’s also why I know plenty of men who oppose HCR but almost no women who do.
Let’s face it, men are not invested in family health the way women are. That’s their privilege. Michelle Obama recently observed that women are “crushed by the current structure of our health care. Women are the ones to do it. Mothers are the ones that do it. And many women find themselves doing the same thing for their spouses.”
That’s why American women consistently listed improving health care as one of the most important issues in the 2008 election, and why a 2009 Gallup poll showed that: “Men and women form almost an exact mirror image on the issue of a new healthcare law. Women favor it, while men are opposed.”
Health care reform affects all Americans, but to me—and other women—it’s painfully obvious that it affects some of us way more than others. Because for better or for worse, women are how health issues are handled in our society.
Whoa. I’m having a “I never thought about it that way. Why DIDN’T I ever think about it that way?” moment.
This is extremely true in pediatrics. I noticed it immediately at the beginning of my peds training and developed my own personal saying to describe it: “Dads suck.” Years have gone by and nothing much has happened to make me change my mind. It’s really unusual that a dad even comes to pediatric exams (maybe they tend to come for the very first newborn exam, but after that not so much.) When they do come, it’s usually to accompany the mom, who does all the talking, because she’s the one with the information. And, on the rare, rare occasion that a dad comes as the ONLY parent, he is often completely clueless. Like, even when the dad has spent the day with a sick kid, he still can’t tell me about the kid’s symptoms. It amazes me every time.
So, that said, my own dad did not suck. Then again, he’s a doctor. I don’t think it should take an M.D. to make a man pay attention to his kids’ health care.
@Pedimd: SO FUCKING TRUE.
I remember when I was involved with a man who had a young daughter. He was a loving, involved, concerned dad in every way EXCEPT he was completely useless on any and all health issues. He didn’t notice that she had a rash, he didn’t know how to take her temperature, he didn’t know which meds to give her or in what doses. More than once he or I had to make a 2 AM rush to a 24-hour pharmacy because he didn’t have basics like children’s Tylenol or Benadryl when she needed them. I finally just stocked the whole damn medicine cabinet for him and told him what each thing was for.
Drove me NUTS! I mean, he had the kid 15 days a month and had been a single dad for a while when I met him, and yet he never bothered to learn or pay attention to anything related to his daughter’s health. Did he think the doctor fairy was going to show up when his kid got sick? It amazed me that a childless 29-year old woman knew way more about how to care for a sick child than an experienced 48-year old father.
I should also point out that with the aforementioned ex—and pretty much every other man I’ve ever been with—there was similar cluelessness about issues regarding their own health. Didn’t know when to seek medical help, didn’t know what OTC medicine to take, didn’t know basic first aid, didn’t have any idea what kind of common ailment—bronchitis, stomach flu, ear infection–might be causing their symptoms.
I can understand that they probably had mothers who took care of them when they were sick, but didn’t they pay attention at all during that process? What did they think would happen when they moved away from mommy? Didn’t they think learning to care for themselves was part of Adulthood 101?
I know ZERO women who behave that way.
That’s my experience too. My dad took zero interest in my healthcare when I was a child, even though I had (and have) a serious chronic illness. He never even bothered to educate himself on what his only daughter was dealing with (and was likely costing him a fortune in medical bills/health insurance). About 15 years ago, he told me he had always felt guilty because he had dropped me as a baby, and thought that is why I got RA. He was very relieved when I told him dropping me had nothing to do with it.
I don’t understand this attitude. Fortunately, my husband is not like this.
FWIW, my dad paid attention to my health care. He didn’t take me to the doctor that much, but my mom was a SAHM — when it made the most sense for my dad to take me, he did. So, it’s not all dads.
But, it is also my experience that men are much more reluctant to go to the doctor than women. Isn’t that why married men live longer? Because their wives pay attention to their health and so on? So much to do, I think, with the idea that silly things like sickness shouldn’t slow men down, real men don’t show pain, and so on.
Isn’t that why married men live longer? Because their wives pay attention to their health and so on?
Yes, absolutely. It’s well-documented.
The whole point of the NYT article about the NFL players was along those lines. The former players did not seek help, either because they were too incapacitated to advocate for themselves, or because they were so indoctrinated by the the macho, “walk it off” culture of pro football that they would not admit they were suffering. It was the wives, daughters and nieces who demanded answers, treatment, prevention, etc.
Of course, they were the ones who were caring for the men, so it’s not like they didn’t have a vested interest.
My husband is just as involved in/knowledgeable about our son’s healthcare as me, but he takes almost no interest in his own healthcare. It’s great that he’s on top of the boy’s care (and is much more of a worrier than me, so sometimes he’s more on top of it), but I don’t understand why he can’t just grab a painkiller when his head hurts instead of coming home and mentioning that he’s had a headache since 9 AM.
His parents’ division of labor was super stereotypically gendered, and I’m eternally grateful that he’s overcome so much of that when it comes to housework and childcare, but he’s just like his dad when it’s self-care and it drives me crazy.
Maybe I’m unusual in this respect, but my father was my primary caretaker when I was growing up, since he worked from home while my mother worked long hours at an office and was the primary breadwinner. He took me to all my medical appointments as a kid and is competent with his own health as well–but he also has a chronic condition which requires some attention, so he got over the whole going to the doctor thing earlier in life, I think.
Sadly, basic medical competence is something that eluded me for a long time. Would you believe that it took me 8 years to figure out that people took OTC painkillers to alleviate menstrual cramps? Or headaches? I guess that was part of the trade-off in not having my mom know much about my medical stuff; she never really advised me much in female matters, and my father obviously didn’t have firsthand experience with this. :/
Guilty! At least until age 60 or so, then I plan on a doctor trip – right now you wait 2 hours, then wait 2 more at Walgreens to get pills that dont work. By the same token, most of the women in my family don’t take care of their cars, and would drive 20K miles without an oil change, so maybe its how we were brought up. I always laugh though at how many health conscious people say so in between puffs on their ciggies.
Isn’t it also the case that married women live longer than single women? I wonder if maybe it’s more a function of combined incomes = better health care than anything else.
@Jeffrey: Yes, married people live longer than unmarried people, and for the reasons you and I have mentioned.
But statistically, the “marriage benefit” is significantly greater for married men than for married women:
Married men live, on average, 10 years longer than nonmarried men, and married women live about four years longer than nonmarried women. Married men live longer because they adopt less risky, more healthy lifestyles as a result of the commitment brought on by marriage, and married women live longer due to improved financial well-being as a result of marriage.
Link: http://chronicle.uchicago.edu/950928/waite.sidebar.shtml
@Becky: Thanks.
This rings so true. In the past year my dad has had a few cardiac events, a heart stent placed, two cataract surgeries, and various visits to see about his diabetes, feet, spine and other issues.
While he does call and make his own appointments, it’s only after much persuasion by my mom (I suppose it’s “nagging” to remind your husband to go to the doctor so he doesn’t have a damn heart attack or lose a limb to diabetes). She’s also the person who drives him to a procedure, waits for him, drives him home, etc. And she gets completely stressed out every time he has a new medical problem – possibly more than she does when she has a problem herself. I can see that the past year has taken a toll on both of them – him from actually undergoing various procedures, and her from overseeing and keeping up with everything.
Never mind that my brother blames my mom’s lack of enjoyment when it comes to cooking for my dad’s heart problems (he stated that they eat out too much because my mom doesn’t really like to cook, and if she cooked more then my dad would be healthier). It all comes back to women, somehow – even when it’s about the personal decisions men make about what to eat (the same restaurant that has a bacon cheeseburger probably also has grilled chicken and veggies).
@Becky
I will totally give my boyfriend props for being involved in his young daughter’s health. He takes her to the doctor, makes appointments, knows what to do when she’s sick, and all that. He has 50% custody, and is definitely a full parent.
Fortunately her mom is also very much in her life, so she will have someone to advise on issues of female biology as well. But he’s very much a caretaker when it comes to basic things like taking her to the doctor or buying a new pair of shoes.
@flackette: he stated that they eat out too much because my mom doesn’t really like to cook, and if she cooked more then my dad would be healthier
Your dad being unable to cook, presumably. Or, as you mention, order something healthy at a restaurant. Sheesh.
Totally hear your point about the “nagging.” There’s a local effort in NYC called “Take Your Man to the Doctor” day, that’s aimed at boosting rates of prostate cancer screening among black and Latino men. But to do that, public health officials dump the responsibility on the women—as though their man was a little boy.
Of course, the only reason this kind of initiative exists is because the data indicate that dumping the responsibility on women is the most effective strategy for dealing with men’s health issues.
And not to spam the comments here, but to add to the note about my significant other – he also nags ME to go to the doctor whenever I have a physical complaint. But he may be an anomaly among men, as he willingly makes regular check-up appointments for himself and asks questions of his doctor.
The men in my family seem relatively clueless when it comes to taking care of my own health. I will say that my Dad was involved with taking us to the doctor, giving us medicine and all that. He worked and my mom was a SAHM, so she did more by default, but he was totally involved. He just can’t manage to get his own butt to the doctor when he needs it.
I hear so many complaints from female coworkers/acquaintances about mommy being responsible for everything kid-related, from doctor stuff to the dates of early-closing at daycare, to birthday party gifts. They say their husbands “just don’t remember.” I seriously wonder how many of those husbands “forgot” about some mundane family-related task a few times and were then off the hook forever, because it’s just easier to do it yourself than to spend even more energy reminding someone (“you” here being the women). But, c’mon, these dudes are on their smartphones all the time these days – don’t those things come with calendars??
And Yes to the overall point. In addition to comprehensive sex ed, I think school “health” classes should include a lot more about how to take care of yourself, what to expect as you age (at least into teen/20s years), etc. A lot of folks are flying blind and it is easier to just put off going to the doctor if you don’t understand why it is important.
I think I’ll just steal Melissa’s comment for myself: “Whoa. I’m having a “I never thought about it that way. Why DIDN’T I ever think about it that way?” moment.”
My father, brother and boyfriend fit into the stereotypical male role of just being completely clueless about their own health care. I’m pretty sure it’s been a decade since my father has even had his last physical!
Anyway, now that I’m more aware of this, I’m going to try not to do what my mother did by just assuming total responsibility for everyone’s health care (meaning, letting my dad completely off the hook) and help my boyfriend be more aware of how he can help his own self.
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