Comments on: Help Me Harpies!: Should I Be A Bitch?

By: bellacoker

bellacoker — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 05:45:28 +0000

j-bird:

I like to answer a question other than the one they are asking, like tell them the time or where the restrooms are, and then walk away.

By: j-bird

j-bird — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 04:44:01 +0000

I’m a big fan of the broken record. It’s not your responsibility to find ten different ways to say no. In fact, repeating the same one seems to take some of the fun out of it for the aggressor — maybe it makes it seem less like a fun game. Or maybe I just attract douches with short attention spans.

By: evil_fizz

evil_fizz — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 02:54:43 +0000

If a guy’s going to assault you, believe me, he’s going to do it whether you’re being a bitch or being passive. And the vast majority of predators—or just plain assholes who don’t respect your “no”—will not stop unless you put up a fight.

The other thing worth noting is that people who are predatory are counting on incremental boundary violations as a strategy to hurting others. It’s a test for resistance and a mind fuck rolled into one.

By: BeckySharper

BeckySharper — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 02:24:47 +0000

@Melissa: I can’t take credit for that one—it was coined by PhDork!

By: Melissa

Melissa — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 02:03:03 +0000

“Bitchzooka” is my new favorite word EVER.

By: bellacoker

bellacoker — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 01:37:17 +0000

pedimd: Cruise director!!!! OMG, love!!

By: pedimd

pedimd — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 01:13:31 +0000

You say ” I feel an obligation to be polite to men that would seek my company, even if they are being too pushy for my liking.” And about the two men you mention specificaly: ” I didn’t want to offend either of them, so I agreed to dance with them.” You don’t really sound like you were having fun. Did you even WANT to dance with them? I agree with those who are advocating saying “no” sooner rather than later. You aren’t the cruise director. You don’t have to dance with everyone who asks.

By: BeckySharper

BeckySharper — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 22:09:05 +0000

@bella: I think you make a good point…appeasement/acquiescence rarely goes anywhere good. If you don’t want to dance with someone…don’t. That’s totally okay.

Women are CONSTANTLY taught to be hypersensitive to the way a man responds to us. So when a man gets angry, or pushy, or accusatory with us—for not wanting to dance, or asserting ourselves in some way—many of us default to thinking Uh-oh, he’s mad at me! What did I do wrong? instead of the much more justified WTF is his problem? Back off, dude!

This is also why I think the whole “I won’t be a bitch because I’m afraid he’ll be angry” is problematic. We have the right to be safe and the right to say no. We have the right to be a bitch and defend ourselves when men pressure or assault us. When we let the threat of THEIR anger prevent us from exercising OUR rights…that’s real trouble.

Of course, as Tall-in-heels pointed out, there are times when you might not want to duke it out–verbally or physically—out of fear for your overall safety, but if you’re in a crowded public place like a bar or a club, screaming, freaking out or even getting physical is a good defense strategy.

By: bellacoker

bellacoker — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 21:51:19 +0000

It also seems that you have adopted a bit of an appeasement strategy, you say that you are accepting dances from people who “seem nice,” etc. But you are out to have a good time and if you worry that dancing with someone will lead to the ruination of your good time, it is okay, and even preferable, to say No as soon as you feel it. Once you say Yes to the first thing that you wanted to say No to, you have established a pattern of caring more about what the other person wants than what you want. And that path will just take you further and further from what you wanted in the first place, to have a good time. I’m feeling rambly, hope that makes sense.

By: Tall-in-Heels

Tall-in-Heels — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 20:23:37 +0000

Just wanted to add something about physical violence and defending yourself. I think we need to be careful about making it seem like there are obvious choices that apply to everyone. If a situation devolves to the point where you are actually being assaulted physically or sexually, your first priority should just be surviving. That may mean fighting back, but that option presumes a certain level of physical ability (e.g., that may not be an option for someone who is disabled). In some cases fighting back may mean you end up even more severely injured or dead. Whether to fight back or not is a case-by-case thing that depends a lot on the person being attacked, the attacker, and the circumstances surrounding the attack.

Also, there are some people who, because of shock, fear, or whatever, become immobilized and freeze up during an assault. I’d hate to inadvertently make those people feel as though they somehow contributed to their own victimization because they didn’t fight back or try to defend themselves. I know that’s not what’s being said here, but I just wanted to put that out there explicitly.

I’m all for Being A Bitch when necessary, and I think the three-step program of polite refusal, more assertive refusal, then Bitchzooka is a good one. Hopefully one or more of those will alleviate the situation. But if things escalate, and you feel like you may be assaulted, do whatever you have to to make sure you are safe. Do not tell yourself you are overreacting. And if, for whatever reason, you judge the situation as one where defending yourself physically is not possible or optimal, do not feel “weak” if you choose to protect yourself by seeking out a bouncer or male friend to watch your back, rather than continuing to stand up to the trouble-maker yourself.