I was cruising the internets at work today when I stumbled upon a rather awesome article on CNN called “Gender Perceptions At Work.” The lede is a list of tips from author BJ Gallagher, entitled “How to Tell a Male Boss From a Female Boss.”
– A male boss is aggressive; a female boss is pushy.
– A male boss is attentive to details; a female boss is picky.
– He knows how to follow through; she doesn’t know when to quit.
– He’s ambitious; she’s driven.
– He loses his temper occasionally; she can’t control her emotions.
– He isn’t afraid to say what he thinks; she’s mouthy.
– He’s a man of action; she’s impulsive.
– He controls his emotions; she’s cold.
– He thinks before he acts; she can’t make up her mind.
– He thinks before he speaks; she second-guesses herself.
– He tells it like it is; she’s tactless.
The list might read like an e-mail forward that people laugh at, but considering the average American woman earns approximately 21 percent less than the average man, is there any truth to these perceptions?
Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so too. But what pleased me most was that the article went on to assert—unambiguously—that these perceptions were 100% reality and not just the product of female hysteria, whining or paranoia, all of which I’ve been accused of when I call out these double standards. I bet you have too.
“I can tell you that the exact same behavior is judged differently, depending on whether it’s a male or a female doing the behavior. This is true at all levels in the organization,” says Gallagher, author of “Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Other Women.”
I’ll go further and say that these double standards hold true in every workplace, from Dunkin Donuts to Goldman Sachs. These perceptions are rooted in our (patriarchial) culture, and the workplace is just a microcosm of the wider culture. I’ve ranted about the retro, gender-biased columns that CNN has run in the past, so I was pleased to see them running one that forthrightly calls out sexism in the workplace. (The column originated on careerbuilder.com)
Vicky Oliver, author of “Bad Bosses, Crazy Coworkers and Other Office Idiots,” says she sees the differences in how people perceive professional men and women. Oliver says leaders of both genders can show aggression and still be accepted by their employees. The problem arises for midlevel professionals.
“If a woman acts out, underlings will gossip about her, and eventually their whispers will be overheard by someone in top management. If a man in the middle behaves in the same way, sometimes underlings will strive to ally with him. They may perceive that he is powerful or protected. His behavior is still errant, but it’s less likely to get him in trouble because he’ll have more allies to defend him if push comes to shove.”
Oliver also talks about the different emotional responses men and women have, and how they’re perceived. No surprises there, either.
“Crying is the worst emotion to show at the office, and unfortunately, this is generally a female response,” Oliver says. “Crying makes everyone around you feel like you’re weak and out of control, and it will positively unnerve some men in the office who won’t know how to react. Crying seems to be mildly acceptable in certain circumstances (such as when a female employee is laid off); it’s never acceptable as a response to a disagreement or office showdown.”
Naturally, if people didn’t let tears unnerve them, becoming emotional wouldn’t be a problem. But the fact that we use “emotional” to describe tears — but not screaming — alludes to the problem, considering that they’re both effects of an emotion.
Right. Both crying and shouting are unprofessional but since shouting is a “male” response, in the male-dominated business world it gets a pass, whereas crying forever labels the crier as weak and silly. Personally, I’m much more bothered by yelling and berating than I am by tears. Crying might make colleagues or staff uncomfortable, but it doesn’t hurt or demean them the way yelling and berating does.
I once worked at a company where the male boss was prone to sulking, pettiness and red-faced shout-y meltdowns, which we referred to behind his back as “mad-dogging.” No one liked him. His counterpart at another division was a woman who was also prone to sulking and pettiness but tended to burst into tears when things didn’t go her way. She was equally disliked….but her crying was seen as far more shocking and unprofessional than his childish temper-tantrums. Not surprisingly, the male executive worked his way up the corporate ladder rather quickly, and the female one did not.
But at the end of the day, if a woman’s to succeed, she’s going to have to go up against the stereotypes. The article ends this way:
When you think about it, if an outspoken woman is going to be called mouthy and a quiet one will be labeled a pushover, what do you have to lose by being strong-willed?
Not much, I think. And I find it easier to sleep at night if I know that I pushed back when confronted with sexism or inappropriate behavior in the workplace. When I haven’t, I tend to lie awake, replaying the scene in my head, arguing with that same person and smacking them down in an endless loop of what I should have said but didn’t. Pushing back doesn’t mean I have a shit-fit—sometimes just a raised eyebrow does the trick.
Of course, any article discussing pay inequity, workplace sexism or double-standards is inevitably going to rouse the chauvinist trolls, and sure enough, they came scuttling out from under their bridge and onto the CNN comments.
Shrieking harpy is shrieking, wrote one of the commenters.
Yep. And we’re not going to stop, so you might want to invest in some earplugs and watch out for claws.
Mouthy and tactless, check.
I had an employee require some escalating discipline (warning, write-up, suspension) a few years ago. I was newly pregnant while this was going on, though my office was not aware. When I did tell my office I was expecting, this employee’s response; “I knew something was going on – you were acting like a bitch.” My boss (tall man), who was present for every conversation with her received no such endearing description.
I wish I had warned her, or written her up for that, too. I was so shocked, all I could do was look surprised and walk away.
Is the author a man? The name “BJ” doesn’t necessarily indicate a gender…
I’ve cried at work more than once — If anybody has a problem with it, they never said anything.
It’s all part of the same system that has kept men and women separate since time immemorial. Men wish to dominate, and so they do, and when women show just as much pluck and drive and desire, they are ridiculed rather than rewarded. It makes no sense — women are just as capable as men.
Well, I’ve had two bosses that were whiny, picky, inconsistent, and tactless and both were dudes. I am 100% ready to try something different as far as bosses go.
@Melissa: BJ is a woman.
Thanks. I was just curious.
I hate that in order to get taken seriously (outside feminist circles) on the topic of sexism you have to NOT be a woman yourself.
I think people’s fear of women crying goes back to people not thinking that women have an internal life. So, while the crying is connected to a real emotion, anger, frustration, sadness, whatever, to some people it looks like it just comes springing out of nowhere unreasoned.
It seems if bosses want to avoid those kinds of displays the best thing to do would be to set up an environment where people are comfortable saying: I’m really frustrated by this, here’s why …
But, then again, I might just be spoiled by my amazing lady boss.
I think my reaction-meter is a bit stuck right now. I over-react to some things in my personal life but when faced with situations with strangers or co-workers I’m often too flummoxed by what was said/done to address it in the moment and end up with the mental loop Becky described.
I’m trying to figure out how to portray myself at work and this sounds like damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I should start pushing back more.
“Shrieking harpy is shrieking”
That is amazing. I’m having it written on my tombstone.
I think we have ourselves a new tag.
My old roommate used to cry whenever she had an emotion. Get a bit happy? Cry. Get excited? Cry. Get frustrated? Cry. The worst was that she would get frustrated whenever she’d start to cry, which, of course, would make her cry more.
Whenever I witnessed this, I wasn’t put off too much (any more than I would if she was having the same emotion without tears, that is), because I don’t think emotions cancel thinking. I spent several years under the weight of clinical depression where I was incapable of emotion, and my behavior was far more irrational then than it is now that I can actually feel sadness, happiness, frustration, etc.
But it drove her sister crazy. They had a lot of problems (the sister was younger, and idolized my roommate, and when my roommate was hospitalized for an eating disorder, her sister freaked out and I think felt like everything that she knew about the world was wrong.) and whenever they’d fight, roommate would cry and it would piss her sister off so much. And her boyfriend would freak out, too. Both of these people thought her tears were either her hysterical response to not getting her way, or her way of manipulating them by making them pity her. Which is what frustrated her so much–she used to say that when she and her bf were having a discussion about something even vaguely emotional, she’d start to cry and he’d assume she was really, really upset and he’d drop the issue, or not want to talk about it until she “calmed down,” and would think she was all crazy female! And she was like, Do you think that because my tear ducts are working that I am incapable of having a fucking conversation?
I think watching her encounters totally made me super strident about being dismissing women’s emotions, and belittling emotional responses as somehow less valid than non-emotional ones. Which is so stupid it’s breathtaking.
Eventually my friend went off birth control, and she totally stopped crying all the time. Which I thought was crazy and scary, because pills scare me I guess, and she was relieved that people would finally take her seriously. Which, of course, just pissed me off even more.
Ha, Cim, you’re apparently twigging to my brainwaves (or I to yours). Your comment could very easily fit in the thread to my new post.
What’s wrong with being driven? I’m driven (by myself, mind you) and totally unapologetic about it.
And even though I’m currently unemployed and didn’t really deal with this in my former job as I was holed up on my lonesome, crying is something I’ve had to struggle with for a VERY long time as ever since elementary school, I’ve been an easy crier and people made fun of me for it, so for many many years I internalized crying as a sign of failure, and I’m still coming to terms with it. Obviously it’s a patriarchal thing, but to me it was also an “act your age” thing as well, since society told me it’s immature to cry (and of course, dudefolk can’t even shed one tear, even in private) and in high school it was particularly embarrassing for me since I was known to cry over poor test grades—granted, I’m trying to tone down my perfectionism, but I couldn’t control it one bit! But after I had a series of devastating panic attacks last year wherein I absolutely could not cry at all but I wanted to more than anything in the world, all my childhood wishes of getting my tear ducts removed suddenly vanished.
Incidentally, now that I’m more aware of my mental issues post-anxiety attacks, I’m trying to eradicate the dual social stigmata of crying and being open about one’s mental issues at once. If it makes those around me uncomfortable, tough. I’m not going to bend over backwards to accommodate you, since being unable to cry and repressing one’s feelings are quite possible the worst things in the world.
(sorry for the tangent!)
@Melissa: Yeah, I hear ya. Our perception/feelings/reality is not valid unless men have them too!
@Cat & Cimorene: I hate that people think crying can be so easily dismissed. As I said in the post, it might make others uncomfortable, but it’s not nearly as negative or hurtful as anger or belittling or even snarkiness…and yet those are tolerated where crying is not. I tend to be a fairly easy crier when it comes to things that are sentimental/empathetic. Seeing someone else cry always turns on the waterworks. I don’t cry much in the workplace, but lately I’ve been having a lot of bad stuff happening in my family that’s left me really raw and emotionally exposed. I had a complete weepy meltdown a couple weeks ago that alarmed my assistant so much she clucked and handed me tissues, made me tea and actually went out and bought me flowers. I was really touched. It reminded me that sometimes showing emotions—even in the office—gives others a chance to respond in a positive, supportive way.