@Cat & Cimorene: I hate that people think crying can be so easily dismissed. As I said in the post, it might make others uncomfortable, but it’s not nearly as negative or hurtful as anger or belittling or even snarkiness…and yet those are tolerated where crying is not. I tend to be a fairly easy crier when it comes to things that are sentimental/empathetic. Seeing someone else cry always turns on the waterworks. I don’t cry much in the workplace, but lately I’ve been having a lot of bad stuff happening in my family that’s left me really raw and emotionally exposed. I had a complete weepy meltdown a couple weeks ago that alarmed my assistant so much she clucked and handed me tissues, made me tea and actually went out and bought me flowers. I was really touched. It reminded me that sometimes showing emotions—even in the office—gives others a chance to respond in a positive, supportive way.

And even though I’m currently unemployed and didn’t really deal with this in my former job as I was holed up on my lonesome, crying is something I’ve had to struggle with for a VERY long time as ever since elementary school, I’ve been an easy crier and people made fun of me for it, so for many many years I internalized crying as a sign of failure, and I’m still coming to terms with it. Obviously it’s a patriarchal thing, but to me it was also an “act your age” thing as well, since society told me it’s immature to cry (and of course, dudefolk can’t even shed one tear, even in private) and in high school it was particularly embarrassing for me since I was known to cry over poor test grades—granted, I’m trying to tone down my perfectionism, but I couldn’t control it one bit! But after I had a series of devastating panic attacks last year wherein I absolutely could not cry at all but I wanted to more than anything in the world, all my childhood wishes of getting my tear ducts removed suddenly vanished.

Incidentally, now that I’m more aware of my mental issues post-anxiety attacks, I’m trying to eradicate the dual social stigmata of crying and being open about one’s mental issues at once. If it makes those around me uncomfortable, tough. I’m not going to bend over backwards to accommodate you, since being unable to cry and repressing one’s feelings are quite possible the worst things in the world.

(sorry for the tangent!)

Whenever I witnessed this, I wasn’t put off too much (any more than I would if she was having the same emotion without tears, that is), because I don’t think emotions cancel thinking. I spent several years under the weight of clinical depression where I was incapable of emotion, and my behavior was far more irrational then than it is now that I can actually feel sadness, happiness, frustration, etc.

But it drove her sister crazy. They had a lot of problems (the sister was younger, and idolized my roommate, and when my roommate was hospitalized for an eating disorder, her sister freaked out and I think felt like everything that she knew about the world was wrong.) and whenever they’d fight, roommate would cry and it would piss her sister off so much. And her boyfriend would freak out, too. Both of these people thought her tears were either her hysterical response to not getting her way, or her way of manipulating them by making them pity her. Which is what frustrated her so much–she used to say that when she and her bf were having a discussion about something even vaguely emotional, she’d start to cry and he’d assume she was really, really upset and he’d drop the issue, or not want to talk about it until she “calmed down,” and would think she was all crazy female! And she was like, Do you think that because my tear ducts are working that I am incapable of having a fucking conversation?

I think watching her encounters totally made me super strident about being dismissing women’s emotions, and belittling emotional responses as somehow less valid than non-emotional ones. Which is so stupid it’s breathtaking.

Eventually my friend went off birth control, and she totally stopped crying all the time. Which I thought was crazy and scary, because pills scare me I guess, and she was relieved that people would finally take her seriously. Which, of course, just pissed me off even more.

That is amazing. I’m having it written on my tombstone.

I’m trying to figure out how to portray myself at work and this sounds like damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I should start pushing back more.

It seems if bosses want to avoid those kinds of displays the best thing to do would be to set up an environment where people are comfortable saying: I’m really frustrated by this, here’s why …

But, then again, I might just be spoiled by my amazing lady boss.

I hate that in order to get taken seriously (outside feminist circles) on the topic of sexism you have to NOT be a woman yourself.