Oh beloved commonwealth of my birth…you seemed to be on the right track. I was so happy when you went to Obama in 2008. But Jesus H. Christ at a barbecue, look what’s happened since. You sent a bunch of Jesus-freak Republican assweasels to Richmond and now Gawker snarks that “Virginia is really becoming a strong competitor for the America’s Nuttiest State contest.”
Let’s start with Governor Bob McDonnell, whose Master’s thesis—earned at age 34 from a mediocre holy-roller university—decried working women and feminists as “detrimental” to society and asserted that government policy should favor married couples over “cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators.” Also, Bob thinks slavery was no big deal.
Bob’s flying monkey is Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, who recently went out of his way to inform Virginia’s colleges that despite their current stated policy of non-discrimination, they could screw over gay employees and it would be a-okay with the AG’s office. The letter was so gratuitiously homophobic that even my conservative, old-school alma mater responded with a respectful but unambiguous FUCK YOU. Oh, and Cuccinelli’s a Birther.
And now, having blown off gay rights, civil rights and women’s rights, Cuccinelli’s addressing a serious concern: a bare breast on the Virginia state seal and flag. The allegorical figure of Virtue, having just slain Tyranny, is letting her toga dip a little low.
Now, I grew up looking at this state flag. The Seal is on my birth certificate. But until this week, I thought Virtue was a man, since she looks pretty androgynous and the breast in question could easily be mistaken for a big Neo-Classical pec muscle. And SRSLY, who notices this shit?
Apparently Ken Cuccinelli did. He took one look and said “OMG, it’s a titty!!!”, thus proving the Gospel truth about the Christian right-wingers: they are 1000% times more dirty-minded than secular progressives. All that railing against fornication leads to fear and repression of normal sexuality, which leads to a twisted, panty-sniffing obsession with all things even remotely sex-related, including, in this case, a completely harmless, asexual, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it artistic representation of a bare breast that we’ve all been staring at for over 200 years anyway!
Ken presumably needed a break from trying to deprive Virginians of their civil rights, and so played jewelry designer and had some lapel pins made for his staff using an different image from a Virginia regimental flag from the Civil War (y’know, the war that totally wasn’t about slavery). He wants you to know that he wasn’t rejecting the official seal because of the errant bare breast—even though he had joked about just that:
“I cannot believe that joking with my staff about Virtue being a little more ‘virtuous’ in this antique version has become news.
“This is simply a media-made issue that has become distracting to the work of my office.”
Just a joke! Come on, people! Y’all have no sense of humor! And because your humorlessness ruined Ken Cuccinelli’s campaign for modesty:
“I am going to end this distraction by discontinuing future use of the pin.“
On Cuccinelli’s pin Virtue is wearing something resembling medieval armor…and a skirt. On the new seal, though, Tyranny doesn’t look slain. Tyranny, in fact, seems to be getting a second wind and looks like he’ll rise to fight another day. Which is a pretty good metaphor for what’s going on in Virginia these days.