…said knock you out.
…told me not to come.
…said there’d be days like this.
Last year, in anticipation of Mother’s Day (in the US), we talked about our relationships with our moms, in all their messy, loving glory. This year, we’d like to hear from you about the some of the best advice your mom–or gram, or auntie, or maternal role model of your choice–gave you.
It can be general or specific, heavy or fluffy, funny or serious. It can even be advice that wasn’t given to you as “advice,” but as “how it’s done,” which is how it worked in my house.
From MamaDork:
- Don’t over-work your baked goods or they’ll be too tough or chewy.
- Wear sunscreen.
- You can probably make it better yourself.
- Toast and tea is a perfectly reasonable dinner.
- Having someone or something to take care of (family, pets, plants) gives your life meaning.
Mamas say a lot of things. For this week’s FFT, give us some of their best.
It is gospel in my mother’s family that a woman always needs skills and a job to support herself (and her hypothetical future children). Men are great, but one hit and it’s out the door, and don’t expect that they’ll always be there.
And don’t tug on the skin around your eyes too much.
And don’t forget to sleep with the lights off.
My mom gave me a piece of advice when I was 12 or 13 that I have never forgotten… probably because it made me blush so hard. She said, “Hazel, there are two things that you should never ever believe when somebody says them to you. #1: The check is in the mail. #2: I won’t cum inside you.”
Advice well-heeded. Thanks, Mama.
My mom taught me to pay no attention to the cult of authority around doctors. As a nurse practitioner she has no patience for that bullshit. Whenever someone in our extended family has a medical emergency, or chronic doctor contact, they call on her to come because they know she can get the info/get shit done/navigate the system/explain the mysteries. She’s been passing that fu on to me over time and it is powerful.
She also taught me to always bring something (a box of fresh doughnut holes is ideal) to leave at the nurses station compliments of the patient whenever you’re visiting a loved-one in the hospital. A. nurses work HARD, and B. they’re only human and it does make a difference if they actually like the patient in their care.
There are people in the world who really do want to harm you/other people, but you can’t let that prevent you from walking out the door every day and living your life the way you want to.
Ack, I had a browser snafu, so apologies if this is a double comment!
I’ve learned more from my mom than from any other person. Here are some of my favorite lessons, in no particular order:
–Don’t expect to be able to change people.
–Stay in school.
–This is what an adult human unshaven vagina looks like (*lowers pants, inserts tampon*).
–Math is great.
–Silence can be powerful. If you don’t know what to say, don’t feel compelled to talk. Similarly, don’t get pressured into making snap decisions in front of people. You can almost always say, “I need time to think it over.”
–Women can use tools and build things.
–You’ll feel better in the morning.
–There’s nothing wrong with a good handjob if you don’t want him to stick it in.**
**This one sort of misses the point that you can just refuse sex altogether, but her point was that, to first order, an orgasm is an orgasm, so don’t let guys guilt trip you into doing things you don’t want to do. It’s imperfect advice on a few levels, but the spirit of it taught me a lot about holding my ground in bed.
The wisdom of MamaSharper:
1. Earn your own money. Don’t expect a man to support you.
2. Get an education, because if you don’t certain doors will be closed to you.
3. Learn to type. You will need it no matter what you do.
4. It is better to be single than to be in an unhappy relationship.
Get that tongue back inside your mouth before I park a truck on it.
Don’t smile; your face might break!
Don’t read in the dark–you’ll wear out your eyes.
When dealing with children, a scary voice works wonders.
Never accept anything less than your best.
1. There is nothing you are not smart enough to do. If you don’t know how to do something or how something works, get a book, read it to figure it out.
2. Pain and hurt feelings fade as time goes by. Know you’re strong and smart and you’ll get through it.
3. There is never, ever an excuse for a man to hit you or call you bad names. Men that love you, respect you and never treat you poorly.
4. Always use lotion, especially on your neck. No one finds a turkey neck attractive.
I learned a lot from mrs. hill, but mostly about being proud of where I come from.
Mom always said…
“you’re not a redneck. You’re the salt of the Earth. A daughter of the soil.”
My mom taught me to knit a sweater, shoot a gun, cook a full meal, ride a horse, and most everything else I do. She also gave me an awesome male name just to show she could.
My mum taught me…
-To fight back if I was physically attacked.
-To feel the seams and check the fabric of clothes before I bought them, to assess the quality.
-More about food than anyone here has time to read – from budgeting to types of pastry.
-To write concisely.
My mother is not the type to make pronouncements of advice — that’s more my dad — but I have learned an incredible amount from her. My mother taught me how to talk through disagreements with others without fighting and how to manage my own emotions. She also taught me mastery of the kitchen and how to get any cat to like me (my mother is possibly the most cat-beloved person in the world).
My mother always says: Si mi abuelita tuviera ruedas, sería bicicleta. Which means, literally, if my granny had wheels she’d be a bicycle. I always laugh even though I have heard it at least 500x! Figuratively it means I am not interested in your fantastical hypothetical situations.
Which is so so useful when people discuss ideas, as in the ticking time bomb torture argument, for example.
The only adage my mother ever offered was “this too shall pass.” I used to roll my eyes when she said it but as an adult I’ve recognized how helpful it can be to repeat the saying to myself in order to keep my perspective.
Most importantly my mother taught me to be a feminist, through both her words and actions. I am forever grateful for that. Thanks Mom!
My mother’s absolute rule was that “Nobody said life was gonna be fair.” It had sunk in by high school, and I think it cut down on a lot of teen whining/angst.
She taught me to do laundry when I started middle school and I was the only girl on my floor at my expensive private college who knew what I was doing in the laundry room.
Despite the fact that she was thoroughly upper middle class by the time I was born, and she raised me wanting for nothing material ever, she sat me down before I left for college and wrote down how to cheaply make things like mac n cheese and ramen noodles nutritious so I could feed myself for dollars a week.
To this day, she regularly reminds me that education is never wasted, and that even if I never go into a chemistry related field, I got a lot out of my degree and should never feel guilty about deciding to be a chef or stay at home mom instead.
My mom told me as a kindergardener that boys tells girls they can’t do stuff because they’re insecure, and thus began my feminist tendancies. I had come home upset because a boy told me I couldn’t like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because they’re for boys.
Also, that it’s okay to say “no” if you don’t want to do something.
Hm. My mom never offered much advice. How about–if you want to find concealer that matches your skin tone, use the skin on the inside of your elbow to choose the color. If it matches the skin on your arm, it will cover a zit. But most of her advice was stuff like “You should lose weight because life is hard for fat people,” and “you should buy that because it’s slimming.” Not helpful!
My grandmother, though, is a fucking treasure trove. If your sink is slow, pour down a cup of baking soda and a couple cups of vinegar; let sit for an hour and pour down a kettle of boiling water. Don’t use too much water when you wash the floor or you’ll get rust stains from the bottom of the chairs. Dust high first, then vacuum or sweep–otherwise you’ll dust onto a clean floor.
Butter makes everything taste better–you can never have too much butter.
Don’t take shit from no one. The women hold on to the knowledge and wisdom in families. If you’re going to talk about someone, don’t do it in public because you never know if their mother or aunt is sitting behind you at the movie theater or at the next table over.
Elbow grease usually works to get anything clean. (I have been cleaning my grandmother’s house once a week since I was about 10.)
1. women should work for their own well-being
2. Always have your own bank account
3. People who feel the need to talk about sex the whole time aren’t mature enough to be having it (This is actually one of my mother’s favourite points for some reason)
4. don’t worry about what anyone else thinks of you
5. but don’t be gratuitously horrible to people
6. If something doesn’t happen ie you don’t get the job etc then don’t worry about it it happened for a reason
7. diet and weight are not things it is worth obsessing about
8. men prefer intelligent women who can crack good jokes and talk about interesting subjects to those who look immaculate but say nothing
9. food is a wonderful thing and should be celebrated, family meals are a good thing
and 10. Never leave someone without a bed for the night. which had a wider point in that our table and house was always open to any strays we met on the way.
My Mom told me in high school:
Buy the shoes you love first and THEN find an outfit to match the shoes.
pretty solid.
1. I want to see/talk/hang out with you if you really want to be here. Acting out of obligation only makes everyone less happy than we could be.
2. If you are only going to keep one thing clean, consider the refrigerator.
3. Other people are just as real as we are, they are not just bit players in our lives.
1. Vote Democratic.
2. School is your job.
3. Kids get more fun as they get older.
My mom also taught me to cook, but I’m not quite sure how, since I don’t remember ever cooking with her. Osmosis, I guess. But I will never be able to make brisket the way she does.
“If you ever get into trouble I will kill you.”
I stayed out of trouble and became relatively successful, but still never really experimented or truly lived for myself.
What a downer. Something more positive?
if your car is overheating stop driving it right there
how to read (in large part)
how to play chess
other stuff
1. Anticipation is always worse than the actual happening
2. When parking on a hill, the rule for your wheels: Up, up, and away! (when parking up, wheels aim out, when parking down, wheels aim in)
3. Once in your life, it’s important to work in retail. You need to know what being on the other side of the counter feels like.
4. Always learn the name of the custodian. Be kind to them.
I think the best bit of advice my mum gave me when I became sexually active was, which I also pass onto my friends is:
* when going for your pap smear do a full sexual health check as well (it’s got nothing to do with trust, it has to do with health!)
She also gave me a bunch of advice related things as well:
* you need to be healthy before you can help other people back to health
* if you’ve got it flaunt it
* when you do things do them as well as you can
* I’ll help you clean up this mess
* If you need help I’m only a phone call away
* go to university
* life isn’t fair
* you can’t control everything in your life
My mum also taught me, patience, that kids are human beings too, to do some crafty things like knit and sew, do not accept abusive behaviour especially from someone I’m in a relationship with, that having my hair stroked is absolutely blissful, and the power of mum’s lap cuddles at any age.
I love these. My mom has taught me so much, but here are some favorites:
*Never try to compare your insides with other people’s outsides.
*I’ll never be able to actually make myself happy by just trying to make MYSELF happy. Other people are necessary.
*Always clean the bathroom before having people over.
*Some combination of vinegar, peroxide, and baking soda will replace 99% of household cleaning products.
*Don’t make decisions out of fear.
[...] The Pursuit of Harpyness made a list of the best advice given to them by their moms (or maternal role models) and asked for the best advice or “how it’s done” statements made by the mothers of their commenters. [...]
Could we do this for father’s day as well, my father gave me one of the best pieces of advice ever uttered and I would love to share it in an appropriate forum.
Absolutely, bella. Just thinking about my own family, it will be interesting to see how/if advice from moms and dads differ.