Rachel Hills is an Australian writer, blogger and social researcher. This post was originally published at her blog, Musings of an Inappropriate Woman.
A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a male friend about a particular facet of sexual behaviour common amongst some of his female friends that he found baffling.
He found it particularly so because the friends in question were mostly of the feminist persuasion, and the preferences in question struck him as rather, well, patriarchal. One of them had even said to him, “You know, this really makes me a bad feminist.”
To which I replied, “The thing is though, in one way or another, every feminist is a ‘bad’ one.”
“How so?” he asked me.
Well, I explained, feminism (and its associate movements, such as anti-racism, anti-ableism, anti-classism, anti-homophobia, etc) is a political critique of a wildly imperfect world. It draws to our attention the many ways in which inequalities manifest themselves, and gives us to the tools to question things that might otherwise be taken as natural, or ‘givens’.
But just because we’re able to make those critiques and ask those questions doesn’t mean we’re not also products of that world. Human beings are deeply social creatures, and it is not so easy to extract ourselves from 15, 20 or 40 years of social conditioning. Hence, individual women – even feminist women – might continue to engage in behaviours that are oppressive to themselves (or, more problematically, to others), even if on an intellectual level we understand the ways in which our behaviours and desires might have been socially conditioned. The process of reprimand and reward runs deep.
What’s more, it’s entirely possible for behaviours that might be construed as patriarchal or gender-normative to provide genuine – and I would argue, unproblematic – pleasures.
For example, I like to cook, but not because women have been traditionally told to get our arses into the kitchen. I like to cook because I like learning about different flavours, what I like and what I don’t, and I like having the power to decide what I do and don’t eat, and to fill my body with healthy, tasty food. Similarly, I pretty much only wear dresses – partly because they flatter my body, but also because I genuinely find them more comfortable to wear. I don’t think it’s about being “feminine” – I’d at least argue there would be some social reward in wearing pants more often, anyway.
And telling someone else not to do something relatively harmless that brings them happiness and pleasure would make me just as “bad” a feminist as engaging in behaviour I suspect to be a consequence of my own social conditioning.
So in what ways am I a bad feminist? I spend too much time and/or money trying to achieve the long, mostly-straight-slightly-wavy, hair ideal. I believe in and desire marriage (not immediately, but at some point) even though I know that this desire is partially grounded in an illusion of stability, and in women’s socialisation to derive value from being “chosen” by someone else. And I have been known to pass judgment on other women for their ostensibly “anti-feminist” behaviour – because, well, as much as I believe in the individual’s behave as they please, I also don’t think it’s right to erase the politics from the personal. And because, to borrow from Avenue Q, everyone’s a self-righteous asshole sometimes.
Point is, each and everyone one of us is politically imperfect.
Personally, I’ve come up with two main ways of navigating these contradictions.
First, I try to focus my own critiques on behaviours rather than on individuals. Knowing that most people engage in sexist (or racist, or classist, or homophobic, or ableist) behaviour on occasion – whether intentionally or otherwise – I find it more helpful to focus on what is problematic about a behaviour or pattern of thought, than with what’s wrong with that individual. And when it comes to my and other people’s choices about their own lives, my modus operandi is that everyone is free to do as they wish (so long as they’re not hurting anyone), but that does not mean our choices are exempt from political criticism or debate.
What about you? In what ways are you a “bad” (or good) feminist, and how do you navigate these ambiguities to be a “better” one?
At times, I feel like a “bad” feminist too – I watch movies and support bands that have a decidedly anti-feminist message. I focus too much on being a people-pleaser instead of a bitch (but I’m getting better). I also struggle to reject what the patriarchy tells me I should look like. Although I stay strong most of the time, I sometimes want to “pass” as a non-feminist because it’s difficult. I know that comes off as whiny, and it is. So I feel guilty about not fighting the fight all the time – about being tired, about playing into the system and supporting it because sometimes it’s just too hard to swim against the current.
The reality is, I’m struggling to be a “better” feminist, to be a better member of the FA community, to grow and be a better more enlightened person all around. But it’s an uphill battle. I have to struggle not to let my guilt for being a bad feminist distract me from being a feminist, because the last thing I need is another heap of self-hatred to throw in this incredibly heavy baggage I’m already toting around.
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Thank you. I will read this over and over – every time I feel the guilt!
I make my husband deal with the small reptiles and rodents our dogs kill. Yep. When there’s a maimed toad on my living room floor, I turn into a shrieking ninny yelling “but you HAVE to take it out, you’re the BOY!” It’s embarrassing and seemingly reflexive.
This highlights the trouble I have had for years, in separating things from their associated behaviors, and why there seems to be so much arguing going on over what is “good” or “bad” behavior in a particular group.
The cooking example is one. Why do we automatically assume that if a woman cooks it is either a) her role in society or b) her being a bad feminist? Cooking is a necessary function of existence; any negative connotations associated with it are artifacts of social mores and historical constructs. The thing (cooking) is being associated with behavior sets, and used as a definition rather than being seen as a function.
Sex is the big one. Does it matter how much or what type of sex a woman (or a man) has, as long as it is consensual? Sex and its attendant factors are functions of our species, and yet they have been s narrowly defined that one can use sex as an argument against almost anything (promiscuity, marriage, feminism, etc.).
We have to learn to stop taking actions out of context, and using them as yardsticks. If someone wants to cook, have lots of sex, get married, not get married, etc., there needn’t be any subtext to it. Each individual is allowed to plot their own course through life and take whatever actions they see fit. Equality, whether gender or racial or religious, simply means that each person gets to do things as they see fit, and that no artificial barriers are put in place that would prevent them from doing such, based solely on un-objective or prejudicial criteria.
I def. feel like a “bad” feminist at times. Like anytime I watch the Real Housewives of_____
Seriously though, I most feel like a bad feminist when I’m attracted to entertainment that is objectifying and insulting to women.
I love this, Rachel! Thank you for sharing!
I’m a bad feminist because I actively and reverently support a Big Ol’ Patriarchial Religion. If you spend more than 2 minutes studying its liturgy or tremendous body of scripture and commentary, you’re guaranteed to stumble upon some kind of hackle-raising anti-feminist crap.
I’m a good feminist, though, because I belong to a denomination of that religion that’s assertively egalitarian, has tons of female clergy, a gender-neutral English prayerbook, and a strong social justice tradition that includes feminism (and, increasingly, multi-culturalism, although we need to work harder on that). We constantly work to reform both our religion and our society along egalitarian lines, so I feel pretty comfortable reconciling the religion with my progressive feminist viewpoints.
@bluebears: So agree about the entertainment. I’m afraid I’ve watched some stuff that’s not much more than the female equivalent of minstrel shows. Like Real Housewives. Also…Rock of Love.
::hides face in shame::
Well said, Rachel! Though maybe we should stop calling ourselves “bad feminists” in favor of a less self-deprecating term. (Since being so hard on ourselves is making us depressed.) Maybe… unfinished feminist? Feminist-in-progress? Feminist experiencing a momentary lapse?
@Newt: But that’s the problem, you can’t take anything out of context. I love to cook too, but the cultural meaning of being barefoot-and-pregnant in the kitchen doesn’t go away just because I enjoy it. I enjoy it *in spite of* the other stuff. (But also, subconsciously, maybe because of it. Who can tell?)
Like many of you, I mostly feel like a “bad feminist” when I make questionable choices in entertainment. I too enjoy the Real Housewives series, the occasional “chick flick”, the “Fabulous Life of…” series on VH1.
I have the hardest time with, and still struggle with my sense of shame over, the fact that I do enjoy watching porn from time to time and certain things are appealing to me that are decidedly not feminist. I find it really difficult to reconcile what can potentially arouse me with what offends me politically, morally, and viscerally. I’ve stopped watching mostly because arousal is not fun when mixed with nausea and shame.
I’m another bad feminist fan of the “Real Housewives” shows;-)
Seriously, I don’t spend too much time worrying about whether my love of cooking or sexual practices make me a bad feminist, but I had a hell of a time reconciling some aspects of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend with my feminism. Specifically, if my desire to get married to him was something that I really wanted or if it was just in response to all the cultural pressures. It was something that I wanted eventually, but he didn’t, and we broke up. I had an “aha’ moment about a year before we broke up, and almost broke up with him then, but convinced myself I was being a bad feminist for caring about marriage. It’s good that we broke up, but I now have moments of feminist guilt for staying as long as I did.
I definitely accept that a lot of my behavior is problematic, or rooted in problematic structures. You can’t live outside the fishtank, after all. There is just no way of living in an ideologically pure fashion – we just do the best we can. I try to be frank about my motivations, and the effects that the culture at large has on my desires, and I hope that none of my choices are off limits for discussion. Like, sometimes I wear heels and make-up. It’s not a value neutral choice, this decision, and I don’t try to parse it as such. I’m also not going to get super down on myself about it, either. I think the problem comes about when we judge each other for such inevitable capitulations or when we try to shut discussion down around the same. (The I-choose-my-choice argument.)
Here’s a bad feminist thing that’s more ambiguous for me: when I enter into a heterosexual relationship, it is really, really hard for me to shake certain gendered expectations or ways of reacting. It is so hard for me to abandon years of socialization and ask for what I want, to be direct about my desires, even though I know intellectually and ideologically that it’s not good for me to avoid doing so. This one makes me feel bad because I know it’d be healthier for myself and for my relationship to avoid certain gender roles, yet it’s hard to dump the script. Fortunately, my current relationship is one in which we’re both actively working towards the same end, which makes it a bit easier. Still, it’s a gross feeling at times, and I’ve found myself in the middle of some REALLY bad relationships in the past that I should’ve known enough to avoid.
Count me among the ranks whose entertainment choices make her feel like a bad feminist. (I fully admit to watching not one, not two, but three seasons of the Bad Girls Club before I had enough.) I get it. I know why they’re problematic, and the more I analyze that, the less I want to watch them.
Navigating the world as as feminist when everything around you is anything but supportive of women is more an issue than my addiction to the Oxygen network. I live in a pretty conservative state (albeit in a blue dot), so I have to compromise unless I want to stand out. Someone on another blog wrote that she felt she was standing in a doorway with one foot in feminism, and another in the real world. That’s how I feel, and it’s not only speaking up when someone makes a sexist joke — I always risk alienating myself.
As fucked up as they are, I think one of the reasons I get sucked into reality shows like the Real Housewives franchise is because the main characters are women…and in the case of RH, women who are over 40. I have similar feelings towards Desperate Housewives. I still miss the show Girlfriends–that was one of the few woman-centered shows that didn’t make me cringe.
@bluebears – Yep. Like Becky, I watched Rock of Love, My Antonio, all the VH1 dating shows…and this is terrible, but I love wedding shows, especially Say Yes to the Dress. Actually, my overall affection for weddings in general (although more the idea of them than any I’ve actually attended) is, I think, one of my largest philosophical feminists lapses. I just find the idea to be romantic.
As my friends and other peers get married and have babies I am becoming more and more anxious. I want the elevation in social status that a wedding will bring, even though I don’t particularly value marriage as an institution or find weddings/wedding planning exciting or important.
I’m a bad feminist because of the extent to which I’ve internalized the beauty standards that I publicly decry; because while I can restrain myself from artificially performing femme, I can’t shake the niggling suspicion that this makes me less desirable and worthwhile.
Because when I stopped eating and exercised compulsively and recognized that I was hurting myself, I was too ashamed of being a bad feminist to admit it and seek help.
Because I still secretly dream of being welcomed into that secret girl club (even if I’m not willing to trade my integrity for it).
[...] We are all bad feminists, really (Pursuit of Harpyness) [...]
For me, the biggest thing is being a stay at home mom. I absolutely know it was the best and easiest choice for our family and even for me), but it’s hard to reconcile with worrying about what kind of role model I am and feeling dependent on my husband (even though we’re still putting money into a retirement account for me and I have my own bank account).
@Newt: I agree with Spark that we can’t separate behaviors from context, but cooking is a special case. Feeding your family night after night is feminine and looked down upon, but professional or gourmet cooking was the providence of men for a very long time, so advanced, skilled cooking was coded masculine. It makes it easy to escape feeling like a bad feminist for being a cook, but I think it’s an exception, not a rule.
Maybe ‘imperfect’ feminists instead of ‘bad’? The title of the post reminds of a bit in the intro to Wil Durant’s Story of Philosophy where he says (with possible errors since I’m typing this from memory):
“We are but imperfect teachers but we may be forgiven if we have advanced the matter a little and have done our best. We announce the prologue and retire. After us, better players will come.”
Hey everyone – thanks for your responses on this, and sorry for taking so long to join the thread (radically different time zones, etc).
Another thing I do to be the kind of feminist/person I can be happy with is simply to be honest with myself about my thoughts and behaviour and where they might come from. If I’m doing or thinking something that’s politically problematic to me, I try to own it – whether that means changing it, or whether it means saying “yes, this doesn’t come from the best place, but I’m going to do it anyway.”
And when it comes to errors that impact other people in a negative way, I try to defer to their experience – even as it stings that I could have been so ignorant or thoughtless as to have impacted someone in that way.
First time I’ve ever seen this blog. I will be returning. That was awesome.
I am a “bad” feminist when I fall under the spell of the inherent guilt I feel the current system has taught nearly every one is their only birth right.
I am a “good” feminist when I remember not only to question the subtle (and sometimes depressingly not-subtle) messages around me, but to question them with what I think of as ruthless compassion: see it for what it is, accept both what it is and the ways it could be different, and then voice what I’ve perceived (which sometimes means writing really strongly worded letters to my representatives and sometimes means just exploring the topic with people who are open to doing so and occasionally means colorfully informing someone that they have behaved/spoken like an *expletive*).
And I like what Nadia said.
My entertainment choices aren’t particularly “bad feminist” because anytime I watch anything questionable I sit and critique it (a job hazard of being a professor). I got married, but there was no wedding, no “social acceptance” –just health insurance and other un-romantic practical necessities that came along with it.
What gets me wondering sometimes if I’m being fully true to my feminist-self is when I parent my son. I wonder how I might be treating him differently than I would if he were a daughter. I resist waiting on him, as he would prefer me to do, as well as cleaning up after him. He’s 7 and can do more himself…
But I especially feel guilty for accepting as “natural” some of his, hate to say it, naturally aggressive behaviors. I also wonder what lay at the core of the pleasure I get from my son meeting my father’s approval, as a boy –that is, as sufficiently masculine, etc. Ugh. It’s a a veritable snake pit…
Interesting how much shame is felt among the respondents to this thread. I do, of course, understand that that was the point of the blog post, but I guess what strikes me is how harmonious and comfortable all are with the definition of feminism supplied–live and let live, but still feel the obligation to pass judgement on those (or self) who don’t consistently oppose all the many forms of patriarchal social conditioning that we live with. Hmmm…I’m with you on the live and let live part, but somehow the entirety of the above definition really limits me as a woman and would constrain (if I let it) my lifestyle and my enjoyment of my life as a stay at home mom. Don’t immediately pass judgement on me–that would be bad feminism if you please (or good?), and besides, I have a good college education and have made my choices with my eyes open. I don’t have boys, but I do respect the musings of the earlier respondent regarding parenting a son. I had never thought of that before. I don’t like the old “boys will be boys” excuse for bad behavior, but aggression is present in boys and girls, and even though it might be more “naturally” prevalent in boys we can’t go wrong by teaching to the very best of our ability all children to respect others and to keep safety in mind. Guilt needn’t enter the equation, since I (and so many mothers) have found that individual personalities prevail despite our vigilance (and maybe even a little desire to have my oldest be a carbon copy of me)–and would we really want it any other way? So with regard to boyishness and masculine approval…I understand a little hesitation, but guilt and/or repugnance? Are we still trying to make men and women the same? It seems to me that the original post and the responses in general acknowledge and even guiltily enjoy some “natural” differences in the sexes–so why not take one little half step more to leave behind the half-guilt and say that THIS is feminism? Are we that attached to an anti-establishment persona? Should we be saddled with guilt, or moving forward? I’m not talking about forgetting the work of earlier feminists, but about enjoying the fruits of their labors while improving our lives.
So, if I understand correctly, a ‘true’ feminist is not supposed to be romantic, desire marriage, appear beautiful as society dictates (per hair, etc).
I guess I’m just not a feminist. Or maybe I am more anti-establishment–feminist establishment, that is. I value women and don’t think we should have to be gender-neutral to be our best selves. I wear a little makeup to highlight my best features. I’m most comfortable in jeans and don’t wear dresses if I can help it. I don’t watch Real Housewives or any of the other shows mentioned simply because I don’t want to. I don’t let anyone walk all over me or my girls, and they don’t either. I don’t think I have to be a bitch, or that ‘good’ feminists have to be bitchy, or that non-feminists on TV should have to be bitchy. That’s a pretty negative view of woman, and a pretty low standard. Neither am I particularly ‘nice’ to please anyone or to prove what a good woman I am. I simply live according to my values and ideals. (Thank you, fine women who gave me the right to vote.) I fully acknowledge that I am not up against any glass ceilings and I admire those who persevere against true inequality. Where true inequality exists in society–and I know it does–we should certainly counter it. But to imagine an anti-women environment everywhere, to feel anxiety to counter it, and to feel any amount of guilt for behaving in good, natural, non-harmful ways (enjoying a romantic movie?) is not something I would pass on to my daughters, particularly as I find this to be a form of oppression and intolerance as well.
Rachel, this is, hands down, the most illuminating, most forgiving, most awesome post I’ve ever read on feminism. So succinct. There is only one word I’d change: “MOST people engage in sexist (or racist, or classist, or homophobic, or ableist) behaviour on occasion – whether intentionally or otherwise”; I’d make that ALL people. It’s so refreshing to have the ‘assholishness’ we are all guilty of framed this way – as a (sometimes) inescapable side-effect, rather than a personal failing per se. Seriously, it’s like a light just went on in my brain. I mean, i knew that in an abstract, intellectual way, but something about the way you phrased this thought has really made it GO IN. Thank you, Harpies, for sharing!
As for myself, I am definitely guilty of some ingrained shit – no matter how ‘independent’ I think I am, I’m lazier than I should be in my career because I feel secure that my husband can pay the bills if need be; I don’t feel confident in public without a little make-up; I feel guilty for not doing more housework and having a pristine home at all times; and many other things I am constantly working on. But I’m working on them, and that’s the important thing, right?
I must disagree on most points that you raise, Rachel, though I do agree with your general conclusion.
First, it’s hard to get an idea of “bad feminist” sexual proclivities are when they’re couched in such vague language. Are we talking about womyn who want to get spanked or dominated? In that case, I can’t see anything inherently anti-feminist about those behaviors. It seems to me, that someone must forfeit — or at least play under the illusion that she is forfeiting — some power in order to engage in those behaviors, but conceiving of power as something one has to assert or forfeit is an incredibly empowering perspective to hold. These womyn view their consent as something to be given and so their bodies are not things on which a man’s power is effectively acting upon.
We should probably expect from ourselves and encourage others to practice politically conscious sexual decisions, but I’m pretty loathe to make the same extensions for sexual activities.
Second, I find it problematic that you can so authoritatively state your reasoning for engaging in perceived “anti-feminist” activities in such a black and white fashion — as if there is only one reason why you do this or that. For example, to say that you like to cook but not because “women have been told to get their arses in the kitchen” is to artificially separate yourself as a cultural product, which is exactly the point you are attempting to make.
Truth is, we don’t necessarily know why we enjoy certain things or take part in certain activities.
I am a man who does enjoy cooking, and I would like to say that I do so because of the same reasons you listed in your blog, but I can’t honestly say that some part of my affection for cooking does not stem from the desire to succeed in a realm that is not considered my own — This would be roughly analogous to the female athletes in my classroom who bluntly state that “Anything you can do I can do better.”
In my opinion that perspective only serves to strengthen gender norms, and it is only be examining my motivations dispassionately that I can come to terms with and change myself.
You make a similar assertion with your desire to wear dresses, claiming that you would probably reap greater social rewards if you wore pants more often. Perhaps, but social rewards by whom? It’s not as if there is one singular culture that believes in one singular view of femininity. Perhaps you do reap social rewards by being a feminist who wears dresses principally. Maybe it makes you appear less “man-hatery” to make up a word. There may indeed be some social rewards for being viewed as a kinder, gentler breed of feminist, and by wearing dresses you are allowed to side-step a lot of the preconceived notions of what a feminist is, thereby further empowering yourself beyond a whole host of normative labels.
At the very least, I find it hard to believe that you wear dresses for one or two reasons, not a for a host of them. This is not to say that you or I are even aware of all the reasons why we do X and not Y, but we certainly aren’t going to get anywhere if we don’t critically examine those choices, especially the ones we are most comfortable with.
Your distinction between feminism as a political position and feminists as a product of their respective cultures is a nice framework for your argument, and one I whole-heartedly agree with. As individuals we may not be able to surmount our acculturation, but that doesn’t mean that with some self-reflection and healthy dose of courage that we can’t try.
Despite the fact that I have teachers urging me to go to graduate school and study sociology or psychology, I have chosen to stop at the lowly degree in Early Childhood Development. My goal is to train the next generation of children to look at the world in new ways but it seems like I’m giving in to the ‘wimmens must take care of the chilluns’ mentality.
rednblack…
“conceiving of power as something one has to assert or forfeit is an incredibly empowering perspective to hold”
Sure, but like many things related to sex (especially when combined with feminism), there’s a lot of views on it at once, and they can be all valid at once, and all deeply invested.
Engaging in BDSM and asserting or forfeiting power can be a very empowering perspective for me. On the other hand there is something anti-feminist in engaging in a behaviour that re-enacts – in a very acute way – a system of violent and hegemonic control and celebrating it by earning pleasure in the submission to it. This is particularly true in some zones of BDSM like humiliation or rape scenarios – leitmotifs that are often central to my BDSM play.
In the end, like many things, it exists in two divisive states at once: On one side is the part of me that is a bad feminist for earning pleasure through gleeful engagement in acts that damage and destroy women outside of my bedroom. On the other side is the me that earns catharsis through controlled contact with those acts and is able to release some of the cognitive dissonance that I have as a result of being both a staunch feminist and systemically hindered product of my culture at the same time.
So for me the question is (as always) a matter of context: If I engage in an anti-feminist behaviour for my own benefit (sexual or emotional) and no one but my partner and I are exposed to it or harmed by it, does it create harm? If it’s done with self-awareness and critical evaluation, I don’t really think so. So I might in the moment be being a “bad feminist” by doing it, but if so, I’m ineffectually bad.
Harpies: I’m a bad feminist in the way that my internal monologue participates in perpetuating the patriarchal voice (Python would say: don’t practice your alliteration on me!) in self-criticism and destructive self esteem particularly around beauty compliance.
I am sometimes a bad feminist in the very complicated relationship I have as a bisexual with my own attraction to women. (This is not an attempt to say that bisexual women make bad feminists!) This is a personal struggle that comes about because I am a product of a culture that teaches attraction to women through the lens of an objectifying gaze.
I’m a bad feminist when I permit myself to shy away from things I want to do or be because I am acculturated to undermine myself in deference to the patriarchy and it is less exhausting sometimes to let it go.
Despite all of that, overall, I think I am a good feminist. There are a million things I fight with internally or behind closed doors, but the things I struggle with generally harm only me. When it comes to advocacy and action in the world I use my voice, my influence, and my money to fight the good fight.