I found this on the blog of a doucheweasel who thinks himself terrible clever.
Okay, as much as I fucking hated that piece that SarahMC just posted on, with all its crap generalizations and monolithic “we” language, I have to laugh a bit, because before I logged in to write this post, I planned to link to that same post, and comment on its truly puke-tastic “hee hee! seekrits! winkiness.
OMG, Jane Hoskyn is right about the LadyHiveMind: ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ARE BELONG TO US.
Ennnyways, I planned to do that as a prelude to the FFT, not then asking our readers to share all our womanly secrets (I’ll keep my “rogue hairs” to myself, thankseversomuch), but rather to contribute to the betterment of womanity by sharing your hard-won knowledge. Last week was about advice from your mama, but this week is about your advice, specifically regarding romantic/sexual relationships (with laydeez or menz, whichever you prefer). About dating, about sexytimes, about making a relationship work, about what to do when a relationship just really isn’t working. Litmus tests, flashing red lights, stuff you wish you had known, stuff you’d want to tell the kids in your life. Or the non-kids in your life (my mom is considering dating for the first time in years, for example).
I happened into my relationship with the Dude early, thinking he was Mr. Rebound, and haven’t been on the market in many, many moons. So my thoughts might be exactly no good at all, but a few general thoughts:
- Don’t trust anyone who hates animals.
- Listen to and trust your gut about a person’s intentions.
- Falling in like with someone is just as important as falling in love with them.
- You will rarely feel like your relationship (feelings, effort, division of labor) is perfectly 50/50. Just make sure the 60/40 split is 40/60 a good deal of the time.
Whaddaya got?
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Here’s mine: don’t be with a guy who doesn’t have basic independent living skills. A grown man should be able to competently sort and clean laundry, cook a meal that does not involve processed food, sew a button on his pants, buy his own underwear, clean a bathtub and make out and procure the items on a grocery list. Any man who claims not to be capable of accomplishing – or learning to accomplish – these tasks is in need of a mother and/or a housekeeper, not a partner or spouse.
If the guy is really young and somehow just escaped knowing these things, but expresses willingness to learn, that might be okay.
But generally – if he has lived on his own and still expresses incompetence, it’s a no-go. He’s either dumb or lazy.
When I went to college, my mom’s advice on dating was “Never ever do a guy’s laundry for him.” Obviously this may happen if you are living together and sharing chores but otherwise – no way.
People are generally pretty much all of a piece. Anyone who is mean to everyone but you is just a mean person trying to get over, whether they realize it or not.
What a person says about others behind their backs is what s/he says about you. How a person treats others who are powerless before him is how s/he will treat you if you are powerless.
1. Mean people suck. Meanness—to you, to colleagues, to waiters ( especially to waiters)—is an AUTOMATIC disqualifier. Don’t even try to excuse it. You deserve better.
2. When someone tells you something negative about themselves—that they’re scared of commitment, they’re unhappy, they’re unsure if you’re right for them, etc—pay attention. There’s a reason they’re telling you.
3. Good sexual chemistry is essential and cannot be faked. But it’s also not enough to sustain a relationship.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:
4. You should never have to persuade or argue or cajole someone into dating/loving/marrying you. If they won’t go into it with an open heart, walk away . Trust me on this one—I had to learn it the hard way.
Dork I couldn’t agree more with the last point. It’s so true and something that doesn’t get talked about. Sometimes your the person putting in the effort, cheering the other person up etc..But it will flip-flop. It will never be even.
ummmm…hm.
You have enjoy spending time with him/her and not sexy-times. If you actually like being around someone and its not about JUST sex, or where you guys go or what you do, or common interests etc etc it’s a keeper.
@flackette: I learned those skills from my home economics class in high school. Does Home Ec even still get taught? I learned to iron, sew, cook, and balance a checkbook. Ah, those were the days.
Anyway, my advice remains simple:
1) Do what makes you happy.
2) Don’t settle for less than you’re worth.
3) Don’t take crap from anyone.
@NefariousNewt -
My high school offered home ec (now called “life skills” or something) but it was optional. Not many girls took it, and practically no dudes.
Now I think it should be mandatory for EVERYONE.
Also: Your relationship with your significant other shouldn’t be that different from your relationship with a close friend. You aren’t always sucking around your stomach around your best friend, right?
My relationship advice can generally be summed up in two rules:
1. Be with someone you genuinely like as a person and enjoy spending time with.
2. Be most excellent to each other and party on dudes. AKA don’t be an asshole and don’t put up with someone who is an asshole.
My main personality test? Watch how someone treats animals, children, cashiers/waiters/etc., and their mother. How they treat all of those will tell you how they’ll treat you.
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Given my relative inexperience, I suspect these will sound a little naive, but:
From my one major bad experience: a person who omits the truth until caught doing so and at that point only owns up to as little as possible — and does this repeatedly — is BAD NEWS. Similarly, anyone who tells you that they lied to you out of consideration for your feelings and for your own good is bad news. And, partners in a relationship should both be able to say outright what they want rather than one person acquiescing in words and then using manipulation to get what they want. That’s…also bad news. Like Becky, I learned this the hard way.
From my one major good experience: a very important part of maintaining a relationship is learning to take more joy in your partner’s happiness than in your own righteousness. If you’re scared to tell your partner something and finally muster up the guts to do it and they react with open arms, empathy, and caring, that right there is a good partner. And, for me at least, being able to be silly and cute with someone is just as important as being able to be serious and intellectual.
From both: trust your gut. I am still learning to apply this one to my life…
I don’t quite know how to describe this, but basically, listen to that voice that tells you something is a deal breaker.
In my case, I kept ignoring that he was a hypocritical Catholic to my atheist, anti-choice to my pro-choice, and “independent” (really, Republican) to my liberal Democrat. These all end up being important and part of why we broke up, but I sometimes lament the years that I spent doubting myself over these differences by thinking that I must be wrong.
Now, I just have to figure out where the atheist vegan liberal guys are hiding.
Your relationship with your significant other shouldn’t be that different from your relationship with a close friend.
bluebears, I’m seconding this point. I think friendship, whether it comes before the romantic relationship starts or after, is essential.
Corollary to BeckySharper’s #1 is that kindness is extremely important in a relationship. Not to the exclusion of sarcasm, dry wit, etc. but if the relationship doesn’t have mutual respect and kindness, it’s a no-go for me.
Common interests are not necessary to start a relationship, but if the relationship develops, shared passions may also develop over time. This is one of my favorite experiences in a relationship.
Feeling comfortable is essential. If I can’t relax, feel that I have to censor my actions and/or my thoughts, I’m not interested.
Finally, a willingness to learn and share new experiences is critical.
First, I love this blog. I have been reading it daily for awhile now, but I rarely comment because I usually just feel like I don’t have anything to add beyond, “ditto, I agree, you rock, etc.”
Reading this blog is usually like a stiff drink with a good friend. So, thank you all ladies)
Ok, now that the gushing is out of the way, I do have something to contribute. This year has been one of those giant “learning moments” (well, I guess technically its been thousands of learning moments), in terms of ending a relationship with someone I really thought was my life partner, losing my job, ending a relationship with a friend I’ve known for over 10 years, and just learning a lot of stuff about myself. I don’t know if I buy into astrology, but there may be something to that whole return of saturn thing. I turn 30 on Monday.
Lessons learned: listen to criticism with an open-mind, but don’t condemn yourself just bc one person has negative things to say; listen to your gut; and MOST IMPORTANTLY, you have no obligation to continue a relationship (be it friendship or romantic) with someone who is no longer giving you what you need or who is becoming a negative influence on your life.
Also, trust yourself. And stop doing things just to do them. Do things that make you happy, more fulfilled, a better person. Carpe diem, blah, blah.
Also, does anyone mind if I’m known here-on-out as LadyBrain?
@Katharsis: totally agree re common interests will develop over time, this was something that really surprised me when it started happening.
also sorry everyone for my earlier typos/misspellings. Upon re-reading I am ashamed
I’m with Erica—compatibility on core beliefs is essential. Opposites do NOT attract. I’ve only had two SOs in my life, but my experience with dating The Ex was enough for me to instate my No Righties Rule. (Oddly enough, although now The Ex is still a righty—a rabid libertarian—he’s also recently come out as bi and is now dating a guy, even though he was a homophobe in high school. Huh.) Fortunately for me, The Boyfriend and I agree on pretty much everything when it comes to politics.
Another lesson I got from The Ex: you HAVE to be physically attracted to your partner. I’m sorry, but there’s no getting around that, no matter how great a personality someone has. Granted, I was 14, but when I started dating The Ex it was just because I was too scared to say no when he confessed to having a crush on me; he was my best friend at the time but he just wasn’t my type at all. The entire time I dated him I had an enormous crush on another guy (who interestingly enough, turned out to be gay—I don’t turn guys gay, I just have strange luck!
), which made me feel like the worst girlfriend ever, and kissing him was just awkward. Granted, the way in which we broke up was really weird, but even though I missed him a lot after the breakup, I didn’t miss any kind of physical contact with him, I missed the friendship. We did go back to being best friends for a while, but then we just drifted apart with no real regrets. When it comes to The Boyfriend, I was attracted to him inside and out pretty much the instant I met him, only I was afraid that HE was gay—I’m telling you, I have reverse gaydar!—but he wasn’t, and I felt like the luckiest woman alive when he told me he had it bad for me, too. Even when I occasionally tease him for having cowlicks or dodgy stubble, he’s still the sexiest guy I’ve ever met, and I really couldn’t date him otherwise.
Also, this might go without saying on a place like this, but don’t ever date anyone with antiquated views about women, even if they’re supposedly “chivalrous” and “gentlemanly”—and this goes for women who date women, too. One’s partner doesn’t have to be a card-carrying NOW member, but anyone who’s in a romantic relationship with a Harpy has to have the guts to be able to discuss feminist issues honestly and analytically.
@Becky: Your No. 4 should be printed on t-shirts and widely distributed.
@baraqiel: I agree about the importance of being able to be silly together and just laugh.
I’ll add that being alone is far better than being in a relationship that’s not right. And if you have to work hard to convince yourself that a relationship is right, it’s probably not (or at least not yet). Take your time.
LadyBrain, I completely agree with the no-obligation part. I was in a horrible relationship with The Ex. I finally broke up with him, but then got back together with him (even after he physically assaulted me and tried to rape me) because he didn’t have a place to live and was suicidal. I let him live with me, and just when I thought he was stable enough for me to break up with him, his father died, so I let him stay with me longer.
In short, I should not have put myself through something so traumatising and unsafe just to protect his feelings. If I was worried about him attempting suicide, I should’ve given him the number of a hotline and shoved him out the door.
Advice I have:
1. Never stay in a relationship with someone who is ashamed of you. If they don’t want to tell their friends/family about you and lie about who they’re with, it’s a bad sign. Even when there are extenuating circumstances (someone who hasn’t come out yet, for example), it still puts an unbelievable strain on the relationship.
2. If they ever tell you what to eat, how much you can eat, or when you’re “allowed” to eat, even out of “concern,” shove them out the door. No concern trolling.
3. If they ever start the, “You would look so much prettier if you just ________” (lost 20 pounds, dyed your hair red, had bigger/smaller breasts, etc.), tell them where to go and how to get there.
4. If they denigrate therapy and don’t believe in getting help (especially if your relationship is struggling and you suggest it as part of a solution), say goodbye. Someone who won’t try one session with a therapist in order to heal a relationship is not committed to working things out.
5. Don’t ever get in a situation where you literally can’t support yourself and have to really on them for all your financial needs (or for all your needs in general). And if they like that you can’t work (like my ex-husband in Canada when I was there as a visitor and couldn’t legally get a job) and enjoy your dependence, RUN.
6. Avoid people who don’t set their own boundaries. Especially when it comes to “cheating” behaviours, your partner is the only one who can tell the third person to GTFO. No amount of you talking to the third person will stop those interactions and if your partner refuses to outline appropriate boundaries, it’s a red flag. (I’m not talking about jealousy over someone meeting someone else for lunch. I’m talking about body-to-body, cuddling, nuzzling hugs that go on for 15 minutes and include groping.) In other words, you should not have to go up to the third person and say, “Excuse me, get your hands off my partner.” (It doesn’t work, anyway.) Your partner should be able (and willing) to say, “Excuse me, but I’m not comfortable with that contact. I have a partner, _____, and I’m not interested in you or touches like that from you.”
The most important thing for me for keeping a relationship going over a long period of time is not trying to change the other person. I know so many couples who get caught up in trying to get their partner to change their personal habits and choices in a way they would never have done when they first fell in love. I think it is a huge factor in the worn-down feeling long relationships get after a while.
You have a right to feel however you want and to express that feeling and to have that feeling listened to and not belittled; but beyond that, your partner does NOT have to change his/her behavior for you. If you can’t live with it, leave.
For an example I will take smoking. Do I wish my man would stop smoking cigs? Yes. Does he know this? Yes. But I refuse to nag him about it. Because he is a respectful human being, he smokes outside. If I had told him I don’t like his smoking and he decided to laugh in my face and do it in the house anyway, well I’d know he was an asshole. But he’s not. Just a smoker.
On a second point, I have always thought there is only one question to ask yourself about a relationship: am I better off with this person, or on my own?
Of course, the calculus becomes slightly different over the course of a lifelong committed relationship, but I think the essential gut level truth of it really serves.
Ack, number 5 should say, “where you literally can’t support yourself and have to *rely* on them”.
@Tall-in-Heels: I’ll make a matching t-shirt with your Being alone is far better than being in a relationship that’s not right.
@Skada: Co-sign on everything you just said. It sounds like you went through some rough times, but came out much stronger and wiser.
@JDRegent: I know so many couples who get caught up in trying to get their partner to change their personal habits and choices in a way they would never have done when they first fell in love.
Me too. I had a long-term boyfriend who after a while began “helpfully suggesting” that I grow my hair out, wear more heels and makeup, shave my ladyparts, not wear such low-rise jeans etc. It definitely irritated me until I finally said in frustration, “You used to think I was gorgeous. I look the same now as when we met, so what’s your problem?” He didn’t quite know what to say, but it was clear there was an underlying dissatisfaction he couldn’t quite express that came out as body-snarking, as well as a desire to control me that I couldn’t live with. So we broke up. The End.
1. Obviously you have to make your own decisions, trust your gut, etc etc. But if all of your friends and family members — people you love and respect who love and respect and care about you, who have no history of being manipulative or jealous or anything else like that — tell you that they don’t think this is the right person for you, give it some serious thought. If you have a romantic us-against-the-world relationship and you’re not 14, something’s probably wrong.
2. It’s not your job to fix someone else. I have way too many friends who’ve fallen into the trap of “taking care of” their SO’s, from doing all the housework to drafting cover letters to staying together because he* says he’ll die otherwise. Yes, we all should do nice things for our SO’s. But we should do them because we want to, because we like to be nice and make that person happy. Not because he tells you to, expects you to, can’t / won’t do it for himself, etc.
3. If your SO makes you feel badly about spending time with your friends instead of with him / her, get the fuck out. It’s not called a red flag for nothing.
* Please pardon my slips into heteronormativity. I just can’t get particular assholes out of my head when I’m referencing some of this stuff.
Becky, totally. The thing is what makes you keep falling in love with someone over time is in large part their ability to surprise you, to inspire you, and this depends on them being autonomous and different from you and making different kinds of choices than you might make. It can bring conflict at times but I think if you can find peace and respect each other’s choices (to a reasonable extent) it ends up being a much warmer, more dynamic relationship. And it forces you to confront your differences so if they are too big to get over, you will hopefully not waste as much time waiting on someone to change.
I have been dealing with my partner’s unemployment and making peace with maybe being a one (low) income family. I’m much more mature than I was last time we went through this, when I was frustrated with what I viewed as his inaction and lack of drive. Now I take him as he is, and appreciate everything he brings to the table in terms of caring for our home, cooking, general tcb. and making my life a hell of a lot nicer and easier. He is on his own path you know? He shouldn’t be any less free or less himself with me than he would be alone. He has a right to chart his own course. Of course this depends on the trust you have that your partner has your best interests at heart. I guess that is really the deal breaker.
@yvanehtnioj: Don’t count on family to bail you out, though. My first marriage was a disaster, and it was only after my divorce that everyone clued me in that they thought she wasn’t right for me.
1. For before the relationship: don’t be afraid to date someone who’s a huge dork. I don’t mean in the socially acceptable Michael Cera/ Justin Long mold, I mean an actual full-out daggy-dressing, deeply intellectual, maybe a bit socially awkies, dork. But make sure they’re an intelligent, fun one.
2. For when you’re in the relationship: don’t hold grudges. If you had a stupid fight and you were both being ridiculous, there’s no harm in being the first to say “I’m sorry we had a stupid fight”. If your partner is a good one, 50% of post-argument apologies will be initiated by them.
I’ve been reading this blog non-stop and I post gems from here on my google buzz all the time. It actually does a really great job reaffirming my self worth, and what I shouldn’t put up with. (Thank you all very very sincerely) But my two cents:
I completely agree with yvanehtnioj’s “2. It’s not your job to fix someone else.” And it is not on you to take responsibility for somebody else, especially when they are unwilling to change. Unwillingness, or making excuses means that either you deal with the fact that they are never going to change, or you DTMFA. As a general rule, people change for themselves; don’t expect them to change for you. Also if they say that if you leave them, they will kill themselves, it is very unfair and they are using it to manipulate you into staying. My ex used it on me multiple times, before I was able to extract myself out of that situation. And guess what? He’s still alive; me leaving him, did NOT drive him to suicide.
Also #3 if you stop hanging out with your friends because he says to or because your friends and family don’t like him: it’s his way of isolating you, so that eventually you have nobody except him.
Dating somebody very selfish can be really difficult too, and I completely agree with that it should waver between 40-60; if you are finding that you are always the one rearranging your schedule, you are selling yourself short. Don’t make excuses for them, and ask yourself: would they do this for me? I’m not saying to play games and be “washing your hair” for the sake of making them want you more, because a good guy won’t make you always jump to do what he wants, at a place and time of his convenience.
1) We deserve homes that provide a refuge against the world and all of the shitty people in it, they should not be another front in the fighting.
2) Things in relationships change, promising to love someone forever can’t stop that. Feelings, situations, needs, wants may be different tomorrow than they are today, and not being able to stay the same is a sign of growth, not failure.
3) It is okay to break up before you hate each other.
I had more:
In relationships, say things out loud, don’t assume that the other person knows. If something you did was fun, if you had a good time last night, if you feel happy or sad, just that you like them and they make your life better. They may think all of those things are true, but if you tell them then they will know for sure.
On this topic, I got nothin’. Mr MM and I have been married going on 27 years, and I’m still not quite sure how it happened.
But I am struck by how many of these posts say “trust your gut”. That tells me that this bit of wisdom, which should be the most natural, is in fact very difficult for many of us. I wonder why that is. Is it embedded in the Patriarchy, which teaches us to denigrate everything about ourselves? Is it a Western phenomenon? Any thoughts?
@MM: Women have been conditioned by the Patriarchy not to trust their gut instincts because if we went on what our guts were telling us, we would have kicked the Patriarchy in the nuts and walked out a couple millenia ago.
LadyBrain it is! (Awesome handle. Wish I’d thought to claim it years ago.) Thanks so much for the kind words, and yay for commenting! And bigger yay for going through some madness and coming out wiser.
SkipToMyLou: cosign on both. The Dude was/is a dork (and obviously I am pro-Dork), and I think there is something about being or having been not at the top of the social food chain: you develop other skills, and I think being kind to others who have less social status for whatever reason–mentioned by several others–is one of them.
And learning to apologize/not hold a grudge was something I REALLY had to learn. The Dude’s willingness to apologize, sincerely, after fights was so…gracious, and loving, I knew I needed to learn to get over myself. Kinda goes along w/ baraqiel’s “take more joy in your partner’s happiness than in your own righteousness” thing.
All this stuff is gold: don’t try to change her/him, don’t put up with that sorta behavior, either; sex/attraction matters, but it ain’t enough; and NO HELPLESS BABIES.
Keep it comin’.
Another simple one: say “thank you.” And make sure you’re given the chance to (sincerely) say “you’re welcome.”
Play the what-if game, because his responses to assorted scenarios are really important. When I got laid off last year, most of my family though I should take it as an opportunity to have a baby. (note: I’m only 26. and ambivalent about children.) I loved working, and I can’t imagine how much worse the seemingly endless job hunting would have been if my husband felt the same way.
This is also super important on abortion, since someone who’s pro-choice in theory could be pro-keeping the baby in practice.
Remember that you don’t need a socially approved reason to leave. Not wanting to stay is good enough.
I also like to try to develop a relationship where we can unload loaded subjects, it doesn’t always work but it is very useful to be able to talk to lovers about children and marriage and having affairs or whatever without talking specifically about whether *we* are going to have children or get married or have sex with other people.
Your kids are not extensions of yourself. They are their own selves.
Don’t raise your kids expecting them to live out your choices or repeat back your ideas.
Word, Rodriguez. Word.
Always, before I get mad, I ask myself some questions.
1. Do I really think he can read my mind? If yes, then what the hell is wrong with me??? People can’t read minds! I have to speak up if I want him to know something.
2. Do I really think he is correcting me because he thinks I’m incompetent? If yes, then what the hell am I doing with him?
3. Do I really think that I know the one right, true way to do X, and he is not doing it right? If yes, then I need to get out of this relationship and contact the pope about a job. (If I do think my way is better, then my way has to be BETTER ENOUGH before I say anything. If not – I just get over it. Don’t be a control freak!)
4. In 5 years, is it going to matter that he did Y today? If yes, then I need to say something now. (But really, I’ve never answered “yes” to this question. Again, don’t be a control freak!)
5. Do I expect him to remember what I’m saying right now, or am I just talking? If I expect him to remember, I TELL him that. “This is important – there’s going to be a quiz – make a note of this.” Everything else is just casual conversation. But if he forgets something that I till him is important, THEN I can yell if he forgets. Them’s the rules.
On days that I really feel like the 50/50 or 60/40 is more like 70/30 or 80/20, I make myself think of all the invisible things I might be forgetting – like how he will run to the store on a moment’s notice to get that one ingredient I need for dinner, or how the afternoon coffee just gets made. Remember these invisible things, and THEN think if I really think I’m still doing more. And if I do, then I say something, and make a suggestion.
catnmus:
Absolutely! Before delegating, I also like to ask myself how upset I will be if the delegated task doesn’t get done or doesn’t get done to my liking. If I will, then I do it myself, because it doesn’t seem fair to set them up to fail and set myself up to get pissed off.
I co-sign to the no “righties” rule. Learnt that one once, and that was enough.
Also co-sign to what bellacoker, J.D., PhDork, and Becky said.
In terms of hard-won, and experienced knowledge:
* watch how the person treats their mum/primary carer – this is likely to signal how they treat people close to them (this piece of advice took about 2 goes to understand)
* a relationship is good when the people in it are able to admit when they don’t know something; it’s fun to find out the knowledge together, and show someone you love a new skill.
* it’s ok to occassionally give up something you like, so long as you are not the only person doing this in the relationship
* the person you are with does not make excuses for your eccentricities – it is seen as part of the whole package
* no comments should be uttered about shaving (esp legs, lady parts, underarms)
* talking about feelings is important, especially when expressing needs/boundaries etc.
@bellacoker – “In relationships, say things out loud, don’t assume that the other person knows.”
This is another thing I’m learning and trying to apply: positive feedback is so important, and it makes everyone feel good — both the giver and the receiver. And yet, somehow it’s so much easier to remember to give the negative feedback…sigh.
@baraqiel: I know, right? Sometimes I feel a little foolish, like, Do I really need to say that I had a good time at the movies when we have probably seen 400 movies together? But when the guy I am seeing started sending me the same kinds of messages, it made me realize how nice it is to have someone say that they *like* you and that they enjoy the time that they spend with you. That provides some protection against taking our loved ones for granted, I think.
Re the image: I didn’t know there was an area of my brain specifically dedicated to buying hats! I need to access more of my brain!
In my relationship with the Schmoogie, I have learned that our relationship is at its best when:
*We call each other on our bullshit right away so that it doesn’t become a thing
*Ask for sex when we want it
*Go out and do things either together or with other people (bike rides, karaoke, friends’ birthday parties, places to meet other hot poly couples)
*Watch bad Nicolas Cage movies together (and sometimes good ones too)
Rachel S., are there any good Nic Cage movies? ;n)
1. You should be able to be silly and childish together. You should be able to do things together that you would be a little embarrassed to admit to other people.
2. When you have a good time, say so.
3. If you’re interested in something, and you talk about it a lot, and they NEVER ask any questions about it or ask for updates or anything, that’s a warning sign that you’re dating a jerk.
3a. Don’t be a jerk. If they like something you don’t, remember that it’s important to them and support it.
4. Sometimes the best option is to walk out on a fight before you say something you regret. Storming out of the house doesn’t feel very mature but remember you always have a right to leave and gather your emotions in your own time.
5. If they’re dismissive when you talk about feminism, get out.
6. Don’t think of settling down with a partner for the rest of your life as an ending to the fun, wild, exciting bit of life. If it feels like that, it’s wrong. The thought of being with them forever should be exciting; it should make you giddy thinking about all the things you could do together.
Yes. All of these things.
And after them, you should be with someone who makes you a better person. Not that you want to be better than you are, etc, but with whom you are the best version of yourself, naturally. This is a corrolary to the ‘no righties’ for me, since a particular experience with a righty where I realised I just really hated who I became when I was around him.
@catnmus I also ask myself ‘what do I want from him (or her) RIGHT NOW, in THIS conversation? Often the answer is ‘aaaah fix me make everything oooooookkkkkkkkkkk in some way that is impossibllllllle!!!! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO FIX MEEEEEEEEE’. In which case, I may need to take a deep breath and calm down, because ain’t no one can fix me but myself. Or perhaps I am not even broken and requireing fixing. Either way, it’s no one elses problem.
The advice to watch how a fellow treats his mother does not always work out. Thanks to the virgin/whore dichotomy (or whatever) he can treat his mother like a queen and you like something insignificant.