Because men and women (er, guys and girls) are two distinct species, there are so many things we don’t know about each other. Girls, especially, are mysterious creatures, but lists can be handy teaching tools. Our spokeswoman, Jane Hoskyn, has leaked one such list to UK MSN: 53 secrets girls don’t want guys to know (aka Women are stupid, manipulative, easily confused and fragile).
If we don’t want guys to know, why are you telling them, Jane? To sabotage and undermine the rest of us as we try to earn a little respect in this world?
1. When we get whistled at in the street, we feel uncomfortable and we’ll always tut and roll our eyes. But we’re awesomely flattered and we’d be gutted if it stopped.
Nooooooooooo! This is why I think she’s trying to sabotage the rest of us. “But Jane Hoskyn said you secretly like it!”
4. We can be put off a guy by finding out that his ex-girlfriends are a bit ugly.
Because then we think we must be ugly, yeah yeah yeah.
7. Here’s how to make us fall for you. One day, come on to us so strong that we’re a bit weirded out by it. Then totally fail to ring us. We’ll wonder what we did wrong, and we won’t be able to stop thinking about you.
I won’t be able to stop thinking about what a creepy prick you are. Oh wait, there’s an addendum:
8. The above strategy isn’t foolproof. We may just lose interest. It depends on how much we liked you in the first place.
53 must be Hoskyn’s favorite number or something because there is no other explanation for the inclusion of those two.
10. Stop trying to understand how our minds work. Even we don’t understand how our minds work.
Women are alien even to themselves. We definitely can’t be trusted in positions of power, tee hee.
18. We say “we’re not manipulative” because we’re really good at being manipulative.
Right now we are manipulating you into viewing us as snakes.
25. We leave our legs unshaven on a first date so that we won’t end up in bed with you.
26. We wear big knickers on a first date so that we won’t end up in bed with you.
27. We spend entire first dates fancying the pants off you and worrying that we’ll end up in bed with you, all unshaven legs and big knickers.
To avoid looking like “sluts” we go out of our way to avoid fucking on the first date even when we want to. Like we said, we don’t know our own minds.
29. We suspect that you like our bodies more when we’re carrying a few extra pounds, but we always feel better about ourselves when we lose weight. However we hate that our boobs look deflated, and we’re disgusted by the injustice of it.
This deserves a whole separate post.
44. We want you to text us from your journey home [from our place] to say how you can’t stop smiling.
Make your car a no phone zone!
46. We’d happily sleep with your best mate to make you jealous.
I’m starting to feel sick.
50. We aren’t always sure when we’re faking it. In orgasms, the line between fact and fiction can be very thin.
Not only do we not know our minds, we don’t know what’s going on “down there.” So don’t bother.
53. We’re all little girls inside. You make us cry far more easily than you realise.
You’re all a bunch of pedophiles, basically.
But seriously, this is it? This top secret list of girlie truthiness reads more like a list of common stereotypes that could only titillate a group of tweens at the cafeteria lunch table. At least she didn’t mention anything about periods.