As y’all know, there’s no shortage of stupid-ass shit useless products marketed to women by telling us our perfectly normal bodies are somehow lacking. Today, I give you: Body Perks Nipple Enhancers, available from British department store Selfridges. The sell-copy reads:
The natural look is back. Nipples are in. From your favourite magazines, to stars gracing the red carpet, women are showing off their breasts with pride. Body Perks nipple enhancers are the latest fashion accessory for your breasts, so take the lead from Sex and the City’s Samantha and draw attention to your natural assets. For full effect, wear under a soft cup bra for enhanced, perky appeal.
You know what’s already under my soft-cup bra? My nipples! The ones I got for free when I was born! If I’m wearing a thin shirt or the room is chilly or I’m thinking about Idris Elba, I don’t need to a pay a penny for my “enhanced perky appeal”. (My sister refers to this look as “smuggling raisins”) Why give Selfridge’s £9.95 when you can just wear an unlined bra—or no bra at all?
By the way, Selfridges, the SATC episode where Samantha wore fake nipples ran in 2001. It ain’t the “latest fashion accessory” if your trendsetter reference is 10 years old.
But to paraphrase SATC: I couldn’t help but wonder…if I’m being sold falsies that “enhance” my perfectly normal erectile tissue, is it only a matter of time before men are being sold something to draw attention to theirs? Like this.