Askmen.com is almost too cartoonishly misogynistic to bother with. Almost. The latest crap-rag of an article I’ve seen swirling around the ‘net is titled “Reasons Women Withhold Sex,” by one Sarah Stefanson, who apparently has access to a secret trove of papers indicating the inner workings of the Universal Lady Brain. Stefanson proves her bona fides as a Honorary Dude by giving up The Secret that women everywhere learn upon reaching menarche: sex is gross, icky, demeaning, and to be avoided, unless it can be traded for something more useful, like sparkly rocks or a promotion.
Wait, you didn’t get that memo? Me neither. But how else to interpret this sort of piffle?
“it is precisely when you start to expect sex from your girlfriend that she starts using that presumption against you”
See, here’s the deal, Sarah (can I call her Sarah?): one shouldn’t expect sex from anyone else. Being in a relationship is no guarantee of sex. Yes, sex matters (unless it doesn’t), but “sex” does not equal PIV (the presumption under which Stefanson is laboring), nor does it mean “one partner using the other as a humpy toy.”
If a woman — or a man, since those with developed prefrontal cortexes (corteces?) know not all men want to have sex at all times, under all circumstances — is uninterested in sex, there is very likely a logical reason for that. In fact, Stefanson goes on to list several reasons a woman might simply not want to have sex, including: “she’s tired,” “she’s bored,” and “she’s pissed.” Unfortunately, she counts these as reasons women withhold sex.
“To withhold” implies not simply a lack of desire, disinterest, or general aversion, but an active, socially motivated move that may indeed counter one’s personal inclinations. To withhold implies that one is cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face. Are there women (and men) who withhold sex? Of course. Does this behavior account for the vast majority of women who don’t want to have sex at any given opportunity? Oh HELL no.
Stefanson acknowledges that “there is a difference between a woman simply not wanting to have sex and purposefully withholding it,” but she seems unable to parse it. Askmen readers: if a woman doesn’t want to fuck you right now, maybe she just doesn’t want to fuck you right now. No need to read all that sex-hating, women-vs.-men shit into it, mkay?
I read this the other day and felt like I had entered a time machine that took me back to the glorious 1950′s. The piece is, to put it mildly, not conducive to mature male/female relations.
Thanks, Sarah S, for bravely speaking out on behalf of the sisterhood. *rolls eyes*
Dork this topic is really very deep. We should talk about it some more. You touched lightly on two great ideas, 1) “the hump toy” and 2) the “withhold implies spite” ideas.
And empty headed Sarah Stefanson: She’s maybe one of those women who is aware of the patriarchy’s oppression of women but thinks the best strategy is “if you can’t beat them join them”.
The “withholding sex” thing was the hardest thing to break my husband of. In that if I didn’t want to have sex, I was “withholding” it to punish him. If I didn’t want to have sex after a big fight, it wasn’t because I was angry and didn’t want to have sex in that mood, it was to punish him. If I didn’t want to have sex because I was sad, I was punishing him for something…
He didn’t always have this issue, then we dated a woman who had serious fucking issues (pun totally intended), and she convinced him that because she was also female she totally knew why I would do these things and that it was all about being mean to him.
I spent years fixing the damage from our relationship with that fucking asshole.
Rather, I should say “we” spent years fixing the damage to our relationship. He is an equal participant.
It’s bad enough when men make women’s lives miserable by spreading the same misogynistic tropes; it’s entirely worse when a woman feels the need to help them.
Sex is not the food pellet you get when you press the lever in the Skinner Box. It’s not automatic. It’s not expected. It’s not a requirement. Two people engage in intercourse when both parties feel the urge. That’s it. No great mystery. No hidden female cabal at work. No conspiracy. Dude, your girlfriend/wife is not having sex with you because she doesn’t want to.
Amen, Newt.
I hate that assumption that if a woman doesn’t want to fuck her significant other, there’s Something Wrong With Her.
Because, he, of course, is always and forever a golden god of unsurpassing deliciousness, whose merest glance causes a cascading shower of orgasms that no reasonable woman can resist.
So yeah, must be HER problem.
/sarcasm
BeckyS: well, there’s a good reason right there. She’s already orgasm’d out by being in his mere Presence. Missed that one, didn’t you, Sarah S?
Yeah, there’s a lot of there there, rodriguez. This post, though not terribly brilliant, took ages to write because I kept seeing more and more wrong with SS’s piece, all wrapped up in a giant clusterfuck of misunderstanding and misogyny, or what I like to call “misundersogystandingny.”
So, I do this, I play the *male* role in this article in interactions with guys that I date. A lot. But because I am a lady and don’t feel like I have a black place on my soul large enough to coerce my lovers into having sex that they don’t want, and also because that sex, if had, is likely to be at best unremarkable and at worst completely icky, I often have to deal with my own issues.
Like thinking, “Oh Bella, this isn’t really about sex, you are just wanting to have sex to prove to yourself that you are worthy and that someone loves you. That might be messed up. Since sex is not available, how else can this issue be addressed?”
It seems that what this article really needs is a header in 78 point font that says: NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!
misundersogystandingny: stealing that.
Instead of cotd cotw you guys should have word of the day or word of the week.
It seems that what this article really needs is a header in 78 point font that says: NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!
That’s exactly it, bella. Even though the idea of “withholding”-as-spite might seem to imply that women might-sorta-kinda-possibly-maybe like sex, this article takes the position (heh) that Sex, like everything else, Is For Men, and that women are just childish tyrants, purely reactionary, rather than, y’know, humans.
@PH.Dork: re “misundersogystandingny”
Is that going to be on the exam?
I also will admit that I take any partner I have not wanting to have sex with me very personally. On the other hand I will totally have sex with my partner even when I don’t want to in order to avoid hurting his/her feelings. Yeah I think I am going to have to look into this with a professional….
I would like to meet these people who never get sleepy or stressed out or what have you. The latter is the primary reason my boyfriend ever “withholds” sex from me, and the former is the primary reason I “withhold” sex from him. See, here I thought that when I said I wanted to bone and genuinely meant it and then got a gigantic melatonin rush and promptly started failing to complete sentences and not realizing that my eyes had been closed for 5 minutes, I was actually just…about to fall asleep. But it turns out that I was in fact “pissed off” or “playing games” or being “manipulative”! Thanks, AskMen! I never would have known was was going on in my head otherwise!
I also like how she throws this in: “Other times, the only way to get out of the doghouse is to participate in one of those long, heartfelt conversations in which you share feelings.” Like — oh god, not actual communication about your relationship! The horror!
Feelings are for gurlz, baraqiel.
And yes, MM, I expect a 500-word essay explaining the term. After you correctly spell it.
Rhiannon:
I think that is almost the universal default position (insert cultural caveat here), but becoming aware of it and trying to move past it has made things about a million times better in my relationships. YMMV, of course.
I hate that Askmen.com seems to believe that if articles that purport to explain the brains/motivations/desires of all women everywhere are written by women then the misogyny that actually drives the creation of these articles magically becomes TRUE SCIENTIFIC FACT. The belief behind it reminds of the dudes who defend the disgusting and misogynistic facebook groups about domestic violence/rape/reinforcing gender norms by saying that there were women in those groups making jokes as well so therefore the groups are completely legitimate and not at all offensive (except to the uptight feminists).