As y’all know, I often get a good larf out of Audrey Irvine’s dreadful “Relationship Rant” columns on CNN. For retro anti-woman thinking and twisted “insights,” I crowned two of them the Most Ridonkulous Op-Eds of 2009 and 2010. But today, lo and behold, I found myself agreeing with one! SRSLY. Please mark this special day on your calendars, because it is not likely to come around again.
Her latest post is “Bought a house so I must want kids?” and in this episode of Audrey’s adventures, she has friends over to her new three-bedroom house for a cookout. Nosy questions abounded!:
Each group that I showed around the house –regardless of age or gender — had the same question when they saw the two spare bedrooms.
“So, what do you plan to do with THESE bedrooms?”
I pondered the question each time, realizing I couldn’t say I’d use it as an office since I had one set up downstairs. My answers varied from “how about a guest room” to “possibly a home gym” to “I really don’t know.” Their reaction each and every time was exactly the same: “How about some kids?” My first response was “with whom?” — seriously, I am not married– then I realized they were referring to my new beau.
Yes, mortgage + multiple bedrooms + boyfriend = impending kids. Truefax.
I admit, I sympathize. When I bought a one-bedroom apartment at age 27, certain people in my life assumed that buying only a single, lonely bedroom meant I was committing to permanent spinsterhood.
As one of my snarky dumbass peers put it, “why buy a place for yourself unless you already know you don’t want to share it?” Never mind that you can share a one bedroom apartment with a partner—as most couples I know do. Or that a two bedroom in New York City was well beyond my means anyway. A woman buying a home with her own money is seen as a declaration of intent, even if I was simply making a commitment to my own happiness and financial security. That was Audrey’s logic too:
I gave all the right answers: that buying a house made more sense than a townhouse in this market, I realized the amount of equity I could get buying in this neighborhood and of course the first-time home buyer credit was too much to pass up.
No one seemed interested in those answers, so the conversation quickly changed to something else.
Because if it’s not about a single woman’s path to marriage and kids, then, really, who cares? After all, marriage and children are the ultimate goal of all women:
Society does seem to put an enormous amount of pressure on women once they hit the later years of childbearing age. (ed: ya think?) Assumptions are made that every personal decision is a reflection of your desire to have, or not have, children.
What’s funny is that the majority of the comments on CNN—most of which are safe to read, for a change—seemed to say “fuck the busybodies, enjoy your house!” I happen to agree with those too. Group hug, everyone!
(Tomorrow—a return to our usual contentious feminist caterwauling).