William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) Two Sisters
I have an older brother who, for more than a decade of my life, was a total asshole to me. From as early as I can remember until he left for college when I was 15, I wished for a sister on a daily basis, thinking that she would be a friend, instead of the foe I had.
And I was right, sort of. Of course, not all sisters are great, or even mediocre. But a study out of BYU seems to show that sisters do, in fact, provide some sort of emotional benefit to their early-adolescent siblings:
Statistical analyses showed that having a sister protected adolescents from feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful. It didn’t matter whether the sister was younger or older, or how far apart the siblings were agewise.
So: YOU’RE WELCOME, BRO-DORK.
Now, I’m being judgey, since apparently brothers aren’t entirely useless. Provided they’re not assholes.
The study found that having a loving sibling of either gender promoted good deeds…
but brothers don’t offer the same protection against depression. This CNN story guesses that sisters are better at communicating than brothers, which may or may not be true, but the article leaves it at that. Of course, I’m wondering about the highly-gendered family roles that women and men are encouraged to play, but there doesn’t seem to be any information on that in this study.
I know that the Dude was a genuine boon to his Sister, and even though they are very different people, they’re still very close and mutually supportive. And if I’m honest, Bro-Dork wasn’t only my torturer. (Just most of the time.) And once he went off to college, things got exponentially better. Thank maude.
Siblings make us vulnerable, for better and worse. Even now, my brother can push my buttons–the ones for laughter as well as fury–faster and harder than anyone else in the world, including my mom and the Dude. And I love him, even if it’s not always easy. I still would have liked a sister, though.
Do you have siblings? What’s your take on this study?
Also: THEME MUSIC BONUS!
The question of highly-gendered family roles seems especially relevant to this study given that it came from BYU and was part of their “Flourishing Families Project”, which is probably not entirely unbiased.
I don’t mean to dismiss the findings, but if the study’s sample came mostly from the Mormon community, where large families are the ideal and women’s primary role is that of caregiver, the data is unsurprising. In that community, sisters would be tasked from very early on with nurturing their siblings in a way that brothers would not.
I miss having a sister in my life but I am fortunate to have my cousin. I think of her as my sister. I love you Miriam!
When we were kids my brother told me he wished I was his brother, which hurt very much. Obvs. I still remember it. I cut him slack, we were kids, but it’s still in my mind, 30-x years later.
I was the only girl with two older brothers. Both of them were assholes to a T, and they still are! I wish I had a sister since I always felt lonely growing up (almost all the kids in the neighborhood were boys). Maybe if I had a sister, I would have been more adjusted to the world and didn’t make me very weary and paranoid about friendships with other girls.
But I can’t put the blame on my lack of a sister for my problems. It could have helped, but it could have also hurt, too. It’s a gamble, really: my hypothetical sister could have been a monster, and that’s probably worse.
Trigger Warning:
This is possibly somewhat off-topic, but I found other research online that showed that, in cases of sibling rape, it was way more often the case that older brothers assaulted their younger sisters. These guys often got away with it, too, because boys tend to be more prized in families than girls, especially if the girls are the youngest child and therefore the most vulnerable.
@JetGirl: Yikes. Not surprising, though.
I have a brother who’s always been the biggest sweetheart in the world. As his sister, I’m good now but I will freely admit to being the meanest bitchiest sister around when I was growing up. Apparently one day for no reason I told him the doctor told our mom that he probably wouldn’t get that much taller (he was 11 or 12 and I was 15ish), it was a total lie.
I barely even remembered it, he brought it up to me years later and told me that he worried about that for YEARS. I have no idea why I did it. Just cause?
Ah, my childhood was a blissful one for three years, until my brother came along. He tormented me. We fought 99 percent of the time and giggled 1 percent of the time. We live on opposite coasts now and I can’t even remember the last time we spoke. I sort of feel like an only child. Sometimes I wish I had a sister but then I wonder if our relationship would be fraught with competition and jealousy.
I have a sister and a brother. My relationship with my sister is waaaaay more… let’s say “complicated.” (We’re also much closer in age, which is probably a big factor.) I wouldn’t be surprised if Becky’s right about the study reflecting stricter gender roles in the sample group.
My sister and I were horrible to each other for years. We’re 2.5 years apart (I’m the oldest), and very different, especially in jr. high and high school. I was a good kid, never drank, deeply geeky, quiz bowl team captain, newspaper editor, marching band 1st chair saxophone, thespians, etc. I didn’t date. She was always on the homecoming court, member of the dance team, prom royalty, voted best hair, member of the popular crowd, total party girl. She was very good at making me feel like an ugly duckling. She was convinced I shared her secrets with our parents– she was wrong, my mom’s just a mind reader.
It wasn’t until I went off to college that we started to be friends. Now, we still have our difficulties because of our personality clashes, but surviving the same childhood is like going through the trenches together– it bonds you. She still knows how to hurt me like no other, but I also know she’d kill for me, and I’d do the same for her. Now she’s a rockstar getting paid to get her PhD and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I wish we were closer, I wish we talked more, but I’m working on it.
My sister is 9 years my senior and she hated me from birth on. It had been just her and our Dad for 5 years, then my Mom came along who she hated and was jealous of, then I came along and it got worst. She sat me on top of a fire ant mound in the back yard when I was a year old, whenever our parents weren’t around she was physically abusive until I became taller than her at 12, and after my brother was born 4 years after me, she would lie to get me into trouble until my brother learned how to talk and refuted her claims.
I only talk to her now through her children who she has forced severe and antiquated gender roles upon, which they’ve rejected (except for my nephew who surprise, surprise doesn’t see a problem with it and have moved away from home prematurely just to get away, one niece lives with a friend and the other lives with us.
I sincerely hope that these results are true despite who’s financing and performing the study because I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone, not even my worst, most hated enemy. But, my experience was not in this “majority.”
I would say for the most part having a sister was great as a kid. We moved a lot so even though we were 3 years apart it was like having a built in friend – although we definitely fought like, well, sisters. Once, I covered her favorite stuffed animal in glue, hoping it would get stuck to her hands permanently and it would teach her to SHARE.
I think my brother would say having sisters ranged from awful to total indifference. Even within a fairly traditional family dynamic I wasn’t expected to help care for him. Even now, he’s the last person I would think to call with a problem or news or to chat.
I have to say I’m unconvinced by this as I know plenty of sisters who loathe each other and indeed loads of brother sister combinations who don’t get on and brothers who don’t speak.
That’s just people I know though, so not scientific.
In my own personal experience I have a younger sister and a younger brother and we’re all really close but I tend to think it’s more to do with families and how you grow up then what sex the sibling is.
Also I know know if this has anything to do with our closeness but there’s 18 months between my sister and I and two years between my sister and brother.
that should be don’t know, not know know. I am a typing idiot.
Also and this is absolutely my last post I swear, when I said families i didn’t mean as in traditional, gender roles etc but rather that we were all sort of left together to murder each other, play outside, invent awful games while our parents worked and did whatever it was they did. There was no concept of boys do this and girls do this in our house but rather a sense that the three of us would do or die for each other (probably because other people in the neighbourhood were always ringing my mum to complain about us).
I had a brother who was 21 months younger than I am and we were VERY close (but not in a creepy way). Our parents divorced when we were young, and they’re well, not particularly reliable. We figured out early that we were all we really had in this world as far as family goes. We fought like cats and dogs as kids, but were roommates for five years as adults and together we figured out that a home could be a pleasant place, where you had someone who had your back. He died in a car crash 8 years ago this September, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him terribly. I think it’s absolutely fair to say that in the absence of parental models, we taught one another how to love, how to support someone else, how to fight, and how to listen. (To be fair though, we came from a family that prized gender neutrality, and in which I was pretty deliberately not socialized to be girly. My mother and her brother are also close.)
Coming back to add: at lunch a (male) co-worker said (this came up totally randomly not related to this post or anything)that both his sisters have told him (as adults) that they purely hated him when they were kids. Like they said, if you had died we would not have shed a tear. They’re all really close now.
Charlotte, your story really moved me – I lived with my sister for a period of time as well while my brother remains the first person I call when something goes wrong. I can not imagine what it would be like to lose them.
Bluebears – I laughed. Not a great response BUT, it made me less self-conscious about the admission that I really wouldn’t have missed my younger sister either. In fact, the accompanying painting makes me think the oldest is just waiting to be dismissed so she can stop embracing the younger. Look at her.
My mother always favored my sister because she was a beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth sweetheart (around adults). Yet she tortured me unmercifully when we were alone AND was forced on me at every turn, “take your sister with you.”
Plus she was 6 years younger. So she cramped my style continually.
I love her now, but I’m sure we could be much closer if we would have had a better relationship in childhood.
My best friend is far more like a sister to me.
My relationship with my sister is great. We come from a family of non-stop talkers, male and female, and not generally conservative gender roles. I have no idea how we’d be different if one or both of us were male, although I’m sure we would be. We did a fair bit of looking after each other as kids and now live a 15 minute walk apart. The two of us have quite a few mutual friends and we are sometimes referred to as the Realsurname Sisters. I’m aware of how unbearable this makes us sound. I can’t imagine life without her – Charlotte, I’m so sorry.
I also know lots of brothers and sisters who didn’t get on as kids but began to in their late teens/20s and I wonder if moving away from whatever roles their parents prescribed (the funny one, the sensitive one, as much as ‘the male one’, ‘the female one’) has to do with this.
JetGirl – yes, I’ve seen this reported too. UK data can be found on the NSPCC site. (If memory serves, it’s an academic survey, with a large sample of a adults, not crime stats.)
I have a younger brother, and we have a pretty good relationship. I think we’ve actually gotten closer as we’ve gotten older, maybe because I’ve matured and I see him much differently than I did 10 years ago.
I do try to be supportive and set a good example. It’s a conscious effort, for the most part, but I do it because 1) I love him, 2) I want to us to have a good relationship in the future and 3) being 8 years older, I think I have enough experiences now and I can teach him useful lessons.
I don’t know if my gender has anything to do with things, though many times I do think I take the role of “mother” when my mom isn’t home. I was the one who taught him how to clean bathrooms and sweep the floor and cook for himself. (My parents are more old-fashioned in gender roles and I guess they never thought about teaching him this things.) I hope it makes him a better person and more self-sufficient once he leaves home.
Would it be different if I were a brother instead of a sister? I don’t know, I can’t really say.
@Jenna – I’m really sorry that that was your experience growing up..
I come from a very big family (more than 6 kids), where I was the second eldest and I’m close to all of my brothers and sisters, except one sister (long story, and I won’t go into it to here).
For some of them it took a while to become close – in the case of one sister, whilst growing up I (and one other sister) teased her about being the milkman’s daughter and we weren’t that close. Since growing up I have apologised profusely for what I said, and we’re close speaking on skype every week, sending texts, etc.
With another sister we send letters to each other, she was one of the younger ones, so it took a while for us to find our rhythm with each other.
I love celebrating the good things that happen in their lives.
For others we were just close from the get go (my older brother springs to mind – he was the one that mum said had to take me with him where ever he went, he would “bribe” me with lollies and money to not tell mum when he did “naughty” things (like smoke cigarettes or swear). I told him I wouldn’t tell mum anyway (which I never did), and he said he felt like giving me the lollies and money.)
I was also close to one of my younger sisters who was also into sport from the get go, so I would watch her play (and she would also do the same.)
I do feel lucky that I have for the most part great brothers and sisters, but with being part of a large family the statistical co-relations that exist in a population can also be true of a large family.
As for that study – I don’t know. I think peoples personalities count for a lot as well.
Gosh, reading these posts adds to my anxiety for my two little boys (both under two). I so hope they have a good relationship. I was so lucky to have great relationships with my brother and sister, but our situation was also a little unusual.
My sister is ten years older, and my brother, six years older than I am. Despite the huge age differences, we are all quite close. Of course I bugged my brother when I was little, but I idolized him and he was fundamentally usually nice to me. My sister is definitely the caretaker of the family, and was/is my 2nd mom. She keeps us emotionally bonded still.
One reason we’re all so close is that our parents were somewhat unpredictable – found out much later that my mom is bipolar and borderline personality. She worked hard to be a good parent, and on the whole succeeded, but she was fighting an uphill battle against the world and brain chemistry. My dad checked out. And then they got divorced. So we three knew we had to protect each other. That has stood us in good stead over the decades.
But it also means I have awfully high standards and expectations for my childrens’ relationship. I try to be reasonable about it and not put too much pressure on our older son (he’s only two, and the younger one is only 6 months, so he’s not really an active player in the drama yet). At the same time, I think it’s necessary to outline our expectations that they will be nice to each other and at least polite. They don’t always have to share everything or like what the other does. But they need to love each other.
Of course personalities will make the biggest difference over time, and nothing we can do will change that. I just hope we can set the stage, and that (maybe once they get the distance that college often provides) they learn to appreciate each other some day.
And I do still wish for a daughter someday. Both for me, and for my boys. Of course not all girls are touchy-feely. But I think if one is lucky enough to grow up with siblings of both sexes, it can help with perspective later on.
My big sister (20 mos. older) is my bestest bud, and we really do take care of us. My two little brothers, (23 mos. younger & 20 mos. younger than that) are interesting and different problems. My little brothers and I aren’t generally as close – we usually don’t much talk unless they’re having life problems, but I tell you what, wow do they come crying to me. Usually with some version of “I love you! I need my big sister right now!” Whereas my sister and I are always just up on each others’ lives. But every family has different dynamics, and my mom’s crippling accident when we were 9, 7, 5, & 3 certainly affected that. I also take after my mom a lot, and took over a lot of “Mom” things during her recovery, and Mom and I are both hyper-competent people, so I was the one who learned to fix the button-holes and bake the birthday cakes, and just generally do the “must be done” stuff, where it took my sister years to get over her fear of the oven. Mom’s a (partial)quadriplegic now and always says she knows she’s okay if I’m around because I’ll actually *do* the stuff she asks for, and almost as well as she would!
It’s hard to extrapolate from my personal position to how other people feel, but I definitely know that my sister and I have always put a lot more into our relationship with each other, and gotten a lot more back out. I love my brothers, and we are close, but they tend to more of a run-to-me-when-hurt mode. That my sister’s the married-with-kids one may affect that.
Interesting post! Thanks!
@PhDork – the bonus theme music, I hadn’t heard that song in ages and really enjoyed having a private houseparty in my room in front of the lap top.. and I had never seen the video clip.. whilst I was dancing up a lil storm, I started watching the footage in the clip, and maude it was great seeing the array of what women have been doing across the globe…
I have an older brother. He was an incredibly hyperactive, clever and easily bored child. His favourite thing in the world was to make my life a living hell (albeit in an oddly charming and funny way.)
Our parents didn’t go in for traditional gender roles in some ways and did in others. In fact they were often more demanding of him as a punishment for his behaviour. So he resented me for my easy life and I resented him for taking all the attention off me.
He left home when I was 14 and not having lived together for 17 years and a good 200 miles apart, we are brilliant friends. We speak at least twice a week, we write a blog together, we go on holiday together…one wrong comment or look can still have us screeching at each other like banshees in under 60 seconds and throwing things and insults like our lives depend on it.
He’s awfully sensitive at times. I don’t think I could handle having a sister too!
I have one younger sister (just under 2 years younger), and while we’ve always gotten along and been fairly close (in a superficial sort of way), our relationship is…complicated. She was most definitely the favorite with both of my parents, and with nearly all of the extended family really, while I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents, my mother in particular. My sister was the cute, malleable, peacemaker that our mother wanted, while our mother didn’t know how to deal with my determination to walk my own path. So that set up a strong competition between my sister and I, and at times I felt bitter towards and jealous of her. Yet at the same time, for years she was all I had, as I was constantly battling with my parents, and the one grandparent I was close to passed away long ago.
Further, as the classic peacemaker, my sister can’t deal with too much emotion. So my adult efforts to build a closer relationship with her – to share dreams and experiences and feelings – have been mostly rebuffed, as it makes her uncomfortable. So on one hand we’re close, we love one another and will jump to help one another with tangible things, yet our relationship is very superficial – she’d be the last person I’d think to call to share an experience or to talk over a problem, especially not one relating to relationships. So, I’d say it’s kind of a mixed bag from my experience.