Further, as the classic peacemaker, my sister can’t deal with too much emotion. So my adult efforts to build a closer relationship with her – to share dreams and experiences and feelings – have been mostly rebuffed, as it makes her uncomfortable. So on one hand we’re close, we love one another and will jump to help one another with tangible things, yet our relationship is very superficial – she’d be the last person I’d think to call to share an experience or to talk over a problem, especially not one relating to relationships. So, I’d say it’s kind of a mixed bag from my experience.

Our parents didn’t go in for traditional gender roles in some ways and did in others. In fact they were often more demanding of him as a punishment for his behaviour. So he resented me for my easy life and I resented him for taking all the attention off me.

He left home when I was 14 and not having lived together for 17 years and a good 200 miles apart, we are brilliant friends. We speak at least twice a week, we write a blog together, we go on holiday together…one wrong comment or look can still have us screeching at each other like banshees in under 60 seconds and throwing things and insults like our lives depend on it.

He’s awfully sensitive at times. I don’t think I could handle having a sister too!

It’s hard to extrapolate from my personal position to how other people feel, but I definitely know that my sister and I have always put a lot more into our relationship with each other, and gotten a lot more back out. I love my brothers, and we are close, but they tend to more of a run-to-me-when-hurt mode. That my sister’s the married-with-kids one may affect that.

Interesting post! Thanks!

My sister is ten years older, and my brother, six years older than I am. Despite the huge age differences, we are all quite close. Of course I bugged my brother when I was little, but I idolized him and he was fundamentally usually nice to me. My sister is definitely the caretaker of the family, and was/is my 2nd mom. She keeps us emotionally bonded still.

One reason we’re all so close is that our parents were somewhat unpredictable – found out much later that my mom is bipolar and borderline personality. She worked hard to be a good parent, and on the whole succeeded, but she was fighting an uphill battle against the world and brain chemistry. My dad checked out. And then they got divorced. So we three knew we had to protect each other. That has stood us in good stead over the decades.

But it also means I have awfully high standards and expectations for my childrens’ relationship. I try to be reasonable about it and not put too much pressure on our older son (he’s only two, and the younger one is only 6 months, so he’s not really an active player in the drama yet). At the same time, I think it’s necessary to outline our expectations that they will be nice to each other and at least polite. They don’t always have to share everything or like what the other does. But they need to love each other.

Of course personalities will make the biggest difference over time, and nothing we can do will change that. I just hope we can set the stage, and that (maybe once they get the distance that college often provides) they learn to appreciate each other some day.

I come from a very big family (more than 6 kids), where I was the second eldest and I’m close to all of my brothers and sisters, except one sister (long story, and I won’t go into it to here).

For some of them it took a while to become close – in the case of one sister, whilst growing up I (and one other sister) teased her about being the milkman’s daughter and we weren’t that close. Since growing up I have apologised profusely for what I said, and we’re close speaking on skype every week, sending texts, etc.
With another sister we send letters to each other, she was one of the younger ones, so it took a while for us to find our rhythm with each other.
I love celebrating the good things that happen in their lives.

For others we were just close from the get go (my older brother springs to mind – he was the one that mum said had to take me with him where ever he went, he would “bribe” me with lollies and money to not tell mum when he did “naughty” things (like smoke cigarettes or swear). I told him I wouldn’t tell mum anyway (which I never did), and he said he felt like giving me the lollies and money.)
I was also close to one of my younger sisters who was also into sport from the get go, so I would watch her play (and she would also do the same.)

I do feel lucky that I have for the most part great brothers and sisters, but with being part of a large family the statistical co-relations that exist in a population can also be true of a large family.

As for that study – I don’t know. I think peoples personalities count for a lot as well.

I do try to be supportive and set a good example. It’s a conscious effort, for the most part, but I do it because 1) I love him, 2) I want to us to have a good relationship in the future and 3) being 8 years older, I think I have enough experiences now and I can teach him useful lessons.

I don’t know if my gender has anything to do with things, though many times I do think I take the role of “mother” when my mom isn’t home. I was the one who taught him how to clean bathrooms and sweep the floor and cook for himself. (My parents are more old-fashioned in gender roles and I guess they never thought about teaching him this things.) I hope it makes him a better person and more self-sufficient once he leaves home.

Would it be different if I were a brother instead of a sister? I don’t know, I can’t really say.

I also know lots of brothers and sisters who didn’t get on as kids but began to in their late teens/20s and I wonder if moving away from whatever roles their parents prescribed (the funny one, the sensitive one, as much as ‘the male one’, ‘the female one’) has to do with this.

JetGirl – yes, I’ve seen this reported too. UK data can be found on the NSPCC site. (If memory serves, it’s an academic survey, with a large sample of a adults, not crime stats.)

My mother always favored my sister because she was a beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth sweetheart (around adults). Yet she tortured me unmercifully when we were alone AND was forced on me at every turn, “take your sister with you.”

Plus she was 6 years younger. So she cramped my style continually.

I love her now, but I’m sure we could be much closer if we would have had a better relationship in childhood.

My best friend is far more like a sister to me.