Comments on: I Ain’t Sayin’ You’re a Golddigger

By: Interesting posts, weekend of 9/5/10 « Feminists with Female Sexual Dysfunction

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 01:31:07 +0000

[...] I Ain’t Sayin’ You’re a Golddigger – Because my partner and I have different degrees, different experiences and … different sexes, we are likely to find ourselves in this or a similar situation shortly, where he will be at least partially supporting me, financially. Which is going to feel really awkward and as though I failed to put my degree to good use, but for now I just feel gypped that my education is NOT proving to be the magical ticket to financial security everybody told me it would be. My partner & I haven’t figured out how to address that yet but we know from watching our parents relationships that it can lead to trouble down the road later. [...]

By: Mackey

Mackey — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 02:42:42 +0000

It’s interesting reading how various harpies have worked out their finances when living with their significant other..

I’m currently living with my SO.. I currently earn quite a bit more than him, we’re both studying, and we both enjoy a comfortable existance.
Because of the disparity in the earnings, I don’t have a problem paying for more of the shared expenses – he still contributes of course.
We don’t have a joint bank account, and maintain separately our own accounts/income etc.
It’s taken a while, and we’re now at a point where we can talk about these things in an honest and open way. At times he gets frustrated by him not being paid much.
If the situation was reversed, I’m sure it would work the same way.
However in saying that, I am glad that I don’t need to rely on him. I value my financial independence.

By: flackette

flackette — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 21:20:42 +0000

Honestly, it didn’t really enter into the picture for me, except that I wanted to know whether he was employed in something he enjoyed, and that he was in a stable life situation. My sweetie is a college English instructor, so he makes a steady but modest income. I work in a staff role at another university, where I also make a steady but modest income. We actually make about the same amount.

We try to split costs as much as possible, and take turns paying the tab when we go out to eat or get drinks. Sometimes we got dutch on things like movie tickets, and sometimes one of us spontaneously decides to treat the other. He paid for my ticket to visit NYC this summer because I couldn’t go otherwise. We’re going dutch on another upcoming out of state trip.

He has added expenses in that he pays for half of his daughter’s childcare, health insurance and other necessary things, plus has a bigger grocery bill with a hungry grade-schooler in the house. I pay more for my car (almost paid off though!) and have a student loan, which he doesn’t.

So we come out pretty much even.

Various members of my family have encouraged me over the years to take earning potential into consideration in choosing a partner, but most would agree that love trumps money. I have dated a few guys who were engineers or lawyers, and who had pretty comfortable incomes, but for various reasons I didn’t click with them.

While I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a dude who was unemployed and not even trying to find work, as long as he does ethical work and has a a stable lifestyle (e.g. isn’t going to be skipping out on bills and pursued by creditors) I don’t really care about the money.

By: bluebears

bluebears — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:28:00 +0000

@Spark: oh yes, the agreement is all about the mortgage basically. I’ll move out if we break up but we will get the house appraised and say I paid 40% of the mortgage thus far? He will pay me 40% of any equity that has accrued in the house up to that point. Obviously he will have like a year to X amount of time to pay depending on how much (or little) equity has accrued.

@smc: Yes, we worked it all out and it’s roughly 65-35 right now.

By: SarahMC

SarahMC — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:52:54 +0000

Bluebears, if your guy makes double what you make I don’t think 50/50 is fair. Have you discussed splitting it a more equitable way, according to what you earn?

I make just a little more than my manpanion but he gets frequent bonuses so in the end it’s probably almost equal. I have more expenses than he does though (car payment, student loans, medical stuff) so he always has more money than I do. At the moment I owe him about $800 because he paid for all our moving-related expenses. I just don’t have any extra money at the end of my pay periods, while he does. It sucks that I am in a load of debt (both student and credit card) and can’t save more than $20 while he is more comfortable, but I guess we’re doing OK.

By: Spark

Spark — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:00:55 +0000

bluebears, we did the same thing before combining finances. His salary was twice mine, so he paid 2/3 of the rent. Even though the numbers weren’t equal, we felt like we were giving equally. You’re a lawyer so I’m sure you already considered this, but if he takes the mortgage out alone, then is he the only one on the deed? Does your agreement take into account your contribution to the mortgage as well? I know someone who did something similar, though probably not as carefully as you’re doing it.
We talk about money A LOT–how we want to spend and save, what our goals are, how to handle our income difference (and our feelings–mostly mine–about it), what would happen if we separated/maintaining our finances so I’m not at risk. Marriage is really a business venture. Or not so much marriage necessarily, but property-buying and reproducing.

By: bluebears

bluebears — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 15:50:44 +0000

@emilyanne: oh yeah. Like honestly I hate gambling. No judgment at all but I personally cannot do it, it makes me slightly sick to my stomach from nerves. So I would have a problem, just on a anxious level, not on a “moral” one if I had a partner who was into it.

Meanwhile BF and I really like to eat out and I know other people would find that habit wasteful but because we both really enjoy it we’re willing to cut back on things like vacations to make room for it in the budget. Some people really need (well not need but you know) to go away every year and we don’t.

By: emilyanne

emilyanne — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 15:13:06 +0000

bluebears, I completely agree. It certainly helps for example that I grew up in a family that liked gambling so I don’t have a problem with the odd bet now and then. Whereas I imagine that it would be a real issue if one side of the relationship really hated gambling and the other didn’t.

It also helps that both my husband and I have debt so it’s not an uneven thing. Most of all though it helps that we both agree on how to reduce that debt, budgeting and what to do with the rare bits of spare cash we have (currently attempt to save them having been far too profligate in the past).

By: bluebears

bluebears — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:06:30 +0000

I def agree that RELATIONSHIP with money and earning and spending is important, even if actual earnings aren’t as much.

THIS. I think that when people aren’t on the same page about how money is spent/not spent etc…it can cause a LOT of problems. Even though BF and I are unequal earners I feel like we have pretty similar attitudes about money and I think that brings a lot of…idk comfort? to the relationship.

By: bluebears

bluebears — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:56:38 +0000

My manpanion and I are buying a house right now. Or rather HE is buying it and I am helping him with the payment (we will have a second written agreement that if we break up I get a percentage of equity equal to the percentage I’ve paid) and we are doing this because I have big student loans from law school and we knew BF could get pre-approved for a big enough amount without my income.

He makes at least double my salary (although hopefully as I log more years in the work world we will end up about equal)and it is a fine line.

On the one hand I want everything to be fair and equal but then on the other hand I also have the feeling like, hey we’re not roommates. There’s a part of me that’s like it’s not fair to split it 50-50 when 50% leaves me completely tapped and unable to build my own savings and he has a surplus every month. We JUST re-did our budget this week, in anticipation of moving and having more expenses and we decided on a plan that has both of us ending with around the same amount in SAVINGS every month.