You can’t take it with you. But you can leave it behind for others. Whatever “it” is.
We’ve talked about the inevitability of death this week, and the many difficulties in dealing with it, even in the abstract. It is hard to think of loved ones’ ends, and harder still to think of our own. Even though it’s weird and awkward, thinking of your life as finite is probably a good way of answering some of those Important Life Questions.
You’ve heard of a “bucket list” (hate that term): the stuff you wanna do before you kick the bucket. He didn’t call it that, but PapaDork had me draft one of those when I was about 12. The last version I made is now at least ten years old and warrants revising, but there’s still stuff on it that matters: go hot-air-ballooning, write and publish a book, throw smashing dinner parties (I have, but not for more than 4 people, yet)…other stuff I can’t remember right now. Take dancing lessons. Maybe culinary school? There’s so much to do!
But more than things I want to do, there are things I want to be. Or to have been. What would I want on my gravestone (I won’t have one, since I want to be green-buried)? A loving and fun and devoted partner to the Dude, the Coolest Feminist Aunt Ever to the niece who will join the planet in December, a dedicated and life-changing teacher, a woman who lived her values, a good friend in good times, and a great friend in not-great times…
I don’t know that I’m managing all (or, really, any) of these things, but it’s good to check in, y’know?
So, today’s FFT: what do you want your legacy to be? How do you want to be remembered? What do you still want to accomplish? The point is not to be morbid, but to think about what “it” is you want to leave behind: feelings, accomplishments, legends!
Actaully, Dorkie, that’s a great theme for the Jews among us, since it’s the Days of Awe and that’s exactly what we’re supposed to be thinking about. So thanks from the members of the tribe! Who needs a rabbi when you’ve got the Harpies?
I’ve never been very ambitious, I’m afraid. I seem to take life as it comes, so I don’t have any particular experiences I want to enjoy or places I want to see. I would like to have been a good parent, a good partner, a good child, and a good friend. That’s pretty much it.
I want to be green buried also, after my organs have been donated, and then after whatever is left that can be used by med schools is used.
I just want my legacy to be that I somehow reduced the quantity of misery in the world.
I used to want to increase human knowledge but then I realized, that’s just my ego speaking.
Green-buried is par for the course with us Jews (you get linen shroud, an all-wood coffin if you must, and into the ground you go).
I would like to be remembered as a generally kind and thoughtful person, a good daughter, partner, mother. Hopefully the work I do will bring some pleasure to people, make their lives a little brighter, and provoke intelligent discourse.
As long as I don’t really hurt anyone or do lasting negative damage, I’ll be happy.
Also, I want to make as many converts to feminism—male and female—as I can.
I want to donate all my organs too, and have had to have several long talks with family members who disagree.
I want to leave a legacy of love. To know what it’s like to love and be loved.
Ever since I was about 8 or 9 years old and I saw the movie Rocket Gibraltar, it’s been my dream to have a Viking funeral. Even if I don’t die by spontaneous combustion, as I’d prefer (being my easily excitable self…), I’d like to go out with a bang! Failing that, just cremate me, mix my ashes with those of the people I love who died before me, and throw us into the ocean so we can become part of a fish-home.
Admittedly, one of my worst fears is dying before I’ve made some sort of significant change in people’s lives. I now realize that doesn’t mean I have to run for public office or blow the whistle on the scandal of the century, but I still want to do something. I just don’t yet know what that something is.
It’s cheesy, but I think the little poem called ‘Success’ that is usually attributed to Emerson (although from what I’ve heard it wasn’t actually him who wrote it) makes a good bucket list:
‘To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.’
My list is pretty simple. Read as many books as I can before I lose my sight (got one eye with vision, with a tiny cataract, and wear glasses). Enjoy my kids and pets with running around activities as long as I can before I become any more disabled (arthritis). Very basic stuff. And along the way, I try and make life easier in all the little ways I can for friends and people I meet.
I want to cause as much trouble as I’m able to before I pass on (I also would like to go by spontaneously combustion, Cat: trouble for tyrants, trouble for bullies, for the patriarchy. Just be a giant pain in their asses. So much so that they mutter “oh shit!” when they see me coming their way. And I want to give out as much love as possible, be the best and most loyal friend/aunt/sister/pet owner ever. At my memorial service I would wish for people to tell funny stories about me, weep, read the Lotus Sutra, read my poetry and their own, eat chocolate and pledge money to my favorite causes. And promise my ghost they’ll go out and make trouble and love.
I would most like to live happy and with grace – and help to create happiness in the lives of those that are in my life. (Happiness does not mean a life of subservience or avoiding/smoothing over conflict, nor does it mean that life is all peaches!)
Do my bit to help bring down patriarchy and kyriachy – even if it is only a small chunk.
Also, I would like to be a pretty darn good academic (think the ‘tude and fierceness of Joan Robinson, and, fingers crossed, even a tenth of her intelligence).
I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week. My mother died suddenly on Monday. It wasn’t totally unexpected – her health has been declining – but we certainly expected her to live another few years out of sheer determination.
With that in mind, I would like to live honestly and lovingly. I want my friends to know I care about them and will support them. I want my family to be completely loved. I would like the fruits of my labor to help some children learn something.
And I would like to write a story that makes a difference to someone. Just one person is enough. Whether that’s the journals I’ve kept intermittently, that I hope will help my children know me, and thus a part of themselves, a little better. The way I loved discovering my grandmother from her letters after she had died. Or a story that gets published, that I hope someone someday might read and think “THAT’s what that feeling is” or “THAT’s what I’ve experienced. Others have felt/experienced that, too.”
I’ve never expressed that last paragraph before. To myself or anyone else. Thank you for the inspiration, PhDork.
elibard: I am so terribly sorry to hear about your mom. I can’t imagine what a week it’s been for you, and I hope you have good support around you IRL now and in the days ahead.
I feel pretty safe saying that you will write something that makes a difference. I feel pretty safe saying that you probably already have.
Hugz. Tea.