I’m currently living in China, and I’ve not met any women who have changed their last names. It’s also much more difficult to change the surname, because the surname is one character (usually) which is one syllable and the entire name (including surname) is 2-3 characters long. So sometimes changing the surname can make the name just sound funny.

That being said, I’m not a big fan of the hyphenated last name, because I feel like it gets really unwieldy, but not having the same last name sometimes can cause lots of problems. Take for instance Iceland. Apparently most Icelandic people’s surnames are “son of Jon aka Johnsson” or ” daughter of Helgu aka Helgudottir”. So the father, mother, daughter and son can all have different “surnames”, which I imagine can cause problems when they travel overseas.

I still wouldn’t change my last name, with a couple of caveats: if I had to for legal purposes, and if that last name was really cool, and I still hadn’t made an impact in my chosen career with my current name. Then I might consider it.

Names are a deeply personal and complicated issue. We can discuss the implications, sure, and I see no purpose in judging women for their choices.

I’ve been known by my self-instigated double surname for the last 15 years now. My parent’s aren’t married, but when I asked my Mum (a self-identified feminist) why I was given my Father’s last name, she said that he cared a lot more than she did (I think she was just avoiding a fight). I consider dropping my Dad’s name altogether, but I know that would hurt him.

“It’s not more important and I’m not more important either. We flipped coins, you got mine name, your brother got mom’s, and we’ll see what happens if there’s a third.”

“Why not hyphenate, then?”

“Because in two generations we’d sound like dad’s Latin American cousins who seem to be trying too hard: Claudia Ballesteros-Hickman-Scomparin de Pedraza.”

“Good point, dad. Coin flip it is.”

But I’m just hyper-rational like that.

It’s all gotta go. Name changing upon marriage, families with the same name, marriage itself regardless of orientation, all gotta go. Rotten to the core.

I am all for love and relationships however people want to make them, but the state needs to stay out, and the patriarchy needs to be booted out of our love lives and / or partnerships.

As for the naming thing, many many cultures have alternative naming structures, which we USians / westerners can take solace in.

I’m here to support women feeling pressure to conform and change their name. I’m here to call out those who pressure them, and to encourage people to know and understand the history of these institutions we prop up, even if it is “in name only.” That is where we need to focus– on addressing the societal pressures.

1. for those people who know or find out that he changed his name, it’s nice to throw a wrench into their assumptions.

2. However, now that we’ve moved to a new town, most folks assume I took his. >( . Not the end of the world, but it’s v. strange to have the experience of being read as a name-changing chick, and I think that assumption goes unchecked a lot of the time (I’m not going to bring this whole conversation up at the power company billing office, for example). Honestly, I think that as far as challenging norms, having a guy take on a hyphenated or double name is more efficient.

As for how queerness affects things, I can speak from the position of a bi woman who was ok with the idea of taking a woman’s name back in my 20s. The practical considerations of sharing a name are *huge*, especially when kids are involved, and the gender parity within the relationship means that taking on the other person’s name doesn’t have that immediate ‘I’m becoming his property’ connotation. Now that I’m in my 30s, though, it’d be harder, even if the same constraints (academia on her end, wanting a family name) were involved.

When the ‘more powerful’ person’s name is the one that’s kept, it does reinforce the idea that ‘real’ couples Pick A Name, and that the ‘important’ name wins. Since gay marriages get mapped onto straight marriages, when a more ‘important’ name gets prioritized, it’s still providing indirect support for the ‘men’s names are more important’ camp. However, I think it’s too reductive to say that those name changes support patriarchy, since the marriages themselves are subverting it in certain ways – the queerness doesn’t eliminate the support provided to sexist norms, but it does tweak it.

And second, I’m Ms. Younger Sister. So, I decided to actually ask my s-i-l why she changed her name. Her response – “that’s what married people do. I wanted us to share a name.” And, as people mentioned before, she tends to be the more femme of the two so she knew she would be the one changing her name. I’m still not totally comfortable with it (not that I need to be – it’s not my life) but it’s better then cousins my own age who insist on being called Mrs. John Smith on invites and such.

As much as I’m not a fan of the name change, if my new name might be say, Del Toro, I think I’d make the sacrifice!