Do not, I repeat, DO NOT maintain this Mystery.
I don’t check it often, but I occasionally fall down the vortex of advice columns at the Washington Post, reading Ask Amy and Carolyn Hax.
A question from a column last week piqued my interest, and I thought it would be interesting to survey our readers about the issues it raises.
The question, basically, is: when, in a romantic relationship, is it okay for the mask to slip? Even the staunchest feminist conditions her luxurious leg hair at the beginning of courtship, and might be careful that her unbleached organic cotton undies and bra match. But no matter how careful one is, the realities of living in an animal body will intrude. Contrary to conventional wisdom, girls do poop. And fart and burp and bleed and stink and flake and all the rest. And what about all the maintainance? The clay masks, the DIY highlights, the shaving and plucking and waxing?
But when do you reveal this to your sweet babboo? (Is it different if your sweet babboo is herself a girl, and knows first-hand that we do these things?) And are there some things that you never reveal?
It’s been a long time since I played coy about needing to pee in the middle of dinner, but even a dozen years later, Pee Time Is Me Time. Door closed, no foolin’. Toilets aren’t for sharing. I don’t care if he sees me flossing or shaving, and burping is funny, but I’m going to secretly (or “secretly’) attend to any freaky hairs or weird bumps. It’s not quite logical, but we understand the rules, even never having talked about them.
So how does it work for you? Whether you’re dating/sleeping around, in the throes of romance, or an old partnered lady like I am, you deal with this stuff. What are your rules?
We have almost zero mystery, having been together for 7 years, married for 4. I’m actually getting less mysterious– this winter, I’m boycotting leg shaving. We pee with the other person in the bathroom, but pooping is still done in private. We burp and fart with abandon, and truthfully I’m the gassier of the pair.
I still do the clay masks and plucking of the eyebrows when he’s not around, but, I pluck HIS back hairs and help him shave the back of his neck, so no real mystery there either.
I’m beginning to realize we’re kind of disgusting.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years, living together/married for 7. We have very little mystery left. Neither of us is big into primping beyond a shower and deodorant, so there’s not too much to share. But I’m with you, toilet time is for me. I have absolutely NO INTEREST in seeing him pee. He’s really bad about closing the door, so it’s happened, but I don’t make a habit of walking in.
I’m with you on the privacy in the bathroom. It’s just more comfortable for me to be alone in there while I do my thing. We’ve never discussed it either but he respects my unspoken boundaries as I respect his. If the bathroom door is closed I would never enter without knocking first.
Funnyface – don’t worry we’re also kind of disgusting. One of the reasons I married my husband was because he didn’t give a shit about my lack of concern about such things. I’ve never hidden any of this stuff but some of my boyfriends did find that a bit odd. I do shut the door on the toilet though, not for privacy as such but because I want to hide from my family and read and shutting the door allows me to stay there for longer.
As to stuff i’ve never done – i can barely ever be arsed to leg shave or wax – I do it if I have an important event to go to. I’ve never used clay masks or foundation or anything like that and don’t wear makeup unless I’m going out to some big event again and even then not always. I occasionally remember to get my eyebrows done but to be honest it’s hardly a pressing necessity in my life.
I’d love to say this was in the name of feminism but actually it’s because I’m a lazy cow who has never ever been interested in beauty products and treatments. As a teenager people were always asking me if they should pluck this or dye that or lose this weight or that and I was always mystified as to why I was supposed to care.
Most of my boyfriends took longer to get ready and used more products then I ever did, to which I say good luck to them, I just always preferred to spend my money on books. Although I do have a weakness for hats and high heeled shoes.
Anything excretory gets done behind closed doors, as I’m not an exhibitionist (well, not when it comes to pooping/peeing). And I’d much prefer he do the same. Ditto tweezing of ingrown hairs, popping of zits or attending to tampons/Diva Cup.
Although I did get ticked at a boyfriend who objected to the fact that he could see my tampon string when I walked around the house au naturel. We’d just had sex, so he knew that I was having my period, but for some reason, knowing there was a tampon in there grossed him out. I gave him the bitchface and said, “It’s a tampon. Grow up.”
Long time lurker–this would be the subject that brings me out of the woodwork.
You know, I grew in a family where everyone was always using the bathroom in front of each other. I don’t think it’s a bad thing per se, but when I married Mr. Lee Hales a couple of years ago, we just both agreed not to be one of those couples that uses the bathroom in front of each other, even though I don’t think there is anything weird or gross about couples who do. for me personally, It just screams “family!” in a sibling way, which makes things weird.
As far as beauty stuff I have moderate to severe acne and curly hair, so I can’t escape the obviousness of the products that I use. In my defense, I’m also fascinated by playing with layers of chemicals, in different orders at different points in the post washing time frame, to see what my hair does. It’s a laboratory, and I am my own test subject!
All this rambling is to say– I think that if I wasn’t comfortable being open about my beauty weirdness pretty early on, I would be questioning either my own readiness to be in a relationship, or the good nature of my SO. I’ve even thanked Mr. Lee Hales for never pulling that “Why do you wear so much makeup? You look better ‘natural’” where ‘natural’ equals not as obviously made up, yet possessing bright, heavily lashed eyes, dewy smooth skin, rosy cheeks and bee stung lips. All of which can be like 10x the effort and half the fun of just going full on green eyeshadow.
@funnyface: lol
Yeah, I’m not a mystery type person anyway, I’m bit of a chatterbox even with people I don’t live with. Just Monday morning I woke up and had started my period and bled all over my underwear. I woke up BF to be all, “OMG! I bled all over my underwear last night. NASTY! I threw that pair away,” he was like, um, ok?
Pooping is done in private as well as plucking (for me). We have been known to pee while the other person was showering.
@funnyface – We’re gross too. I think it just happens when you’ve been together a while.
I know this might sound cliche, but after my husband saw a baby come out of my vagina, I really doubt there is ANYTHING I could do to bring back the mystery so why go out of my way to create some false sense of perfection?
Except pooping. We both like to poop in private, but mostly just because it’s quiet in the bathroom.
Our bathroom has a separate door for the toilet area, thank goodness. So we can be in the bathroom at the same time without seeing that stuff. Our shower doors are clear, and dh has no problem showering in front of me, but I prefer privacy during my shower, but don’t care before or after. Go figure.
Dh is pretty free with the farts, and I am not. I tell him how he could never get away with that in a newer relationship, he doesn’t believe me. Sigh.
Been together almost 19 yrs.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Vyckie D. Garrison, Pursuit of Harpyness. Pursuit of Harpyness said: Maintaining the Mystery http://bit.ly/bOBtC6 [...]
We both have separate rooms for the toilet, so excretion is done mostly in private, although we have both been known to leave the door ajar/open. But I do not like to talk to anyone who is on the toilet, or if I am the toiler. I dunno, it weirds me out. Maybe it’s just because you are talking from room to room which I find inconvenient? When I lived with housemates we had the rule: toilet time is private time. No chatting, kthx. Although, if the toilet were in the same room as the shower then that might be different.
Apart from that… pretty much nothing. And I am the weird introvert who used to wait until my housemates were out to do laundry, because I felt more comfortable. But I did grow up in a naked house, although one with minimal grooming of the beautification type. I know initially I hesitated to do some things in front of him, but I can’t relaly think what… Shaving my legs, maybe? But that’s mostly because if we’re in my tiny bathroom together, he’s in the shower with me, and I don’t have enough room. I even waxed my moustache in front of him (when I was still doing it) which I have never ever done before with anyone, not even a housemate.
I did stop shaving my legs recently. He approved: fewer prickles. And I fart during sex, all the time. Especially oral sex. I’m squeezing those muscles, I can’t help it! He is completely unfazed, which I think might have been one of the things that made me really fall for him initially. Bodies are just bodies, and they are sometimes messy. (He IS a parent, that might help with that attitude) It’s nice not to have to be thinking about things like that when I’m trying to enjoy myself, or be ashamed of how I look, pretty much ever.
I must be a redneck, because it never occurred to me to hide most of these things. I mean, sure, poop with the door shut. But hiding it when you do face stuff, shave, or apply make-up? It’s not like he doesn’t know that these efforts go into the gorgeousness of moi. In fact, I think it keeps men more honest to know exactly how much work it is.
Also, where I’m from, taking phone calls on the john is considered totally normal.
Well, I don’t shave or use makeup, but when I did, it was no secret. We keep our bathroom doors shut, though, on my request. Mr MM wouldn’t care, but I do. A polite apology after making certain noises is always welcome and considerate, but not a necessity.
Old school.
My partner told me that he was looking forward to the day that we’d be close enough to pop each other’s zits. But my mother used to grab me and pluck my eyebrows or fuck with my skin (she owns a salon, and thus sells all kinds of beauty supply shit, and hates that I’ve never been too in to giving a shit) so to me, that’s not a “fun thing we do together when we love each other and are comfortable” but a “you are ugly and imperfect I will fix you now” activity. So it’s not gonna happen.
I do some things alone–when I take baths and give myself facials, I like to be alone. But that’s more about it being a whole process of self-spa-ing, rather than about shame. I just like to use that time for self-imposed isolation.
He found it weird that we weren’t being more bodily-gross in front of each other early, but figured it was because I was somehow more “proper” than his former ladyfriends. Which I don’t think is true. I just don’t want to sit and watch someone else poop. Also his former girlfriends used to make him leave the room when he farted (a frequent occurrence–I think he has some gastric issues) but I was like, dude that’s what matches are for! So now there are boxes of matches all over our house in case someone gets the farts. And by “someone” I mean him or the cats. My dog and I shit roses.
My ex nagged me endlessly about having anal sex with him. I wasn’t really into the idea, but he wouldn’t leave it alone (even after I told him that if it was going to happen, it had to be on my terms, when I wanted it, and not after he’d bugged me about it). So I made him a deal: if he was going to keep on pestering me about it, I was allowed to fart in front of him.
It was great fun to see him squirm with this. He had to accept my logic that if he was going to insert his penis into my asshole, he had to deal with the fact that that is the same place from which I pass gas. Yet even though he accepted the deal, he still expressed his complete disgust every time I farted. (or didn’t shave, or didn’t clean my fingernails, or didn’t shower every day)
Aside from that though, I’m actually quite private when it comes to bodily hygiene or maintenance. I don’t even like it when people watch me brush my teeth. One notable exception to this was when I took out my Divacup in front of a guy because we were about to have spontaneous sex in a dark tunnel that led to a moat. True story. Maybe the darkness made me feel more comfortable doing that, but it also made it hard to find my Divacup after said tryst!
For some reason, farting in front of ANYONE makes me really uncomfortable. Even my parents. And while I don’t mind if anyone is in the bathroom while I pee, I like to poop in private.
That’s about it. I’ve a new boyfriend -it’s few weeks old – and I’ve already bled all over his bathroom (what can I say, I got up, went to shower, and bam!Blood everywhere.), luckily for him he didn’t seem unduly fazed, other than aiming the showerhead at me.
I have no patience for men who are squeamish about bodily functions/feminine prep.
But then I’m rather femme and wear dramatic make-up, so it’s kind of obvious I transform my appearance. No point in hiding it, be it the make-up, the shaving, whatever. Although I don’t shave that much. No patience for men who have a problem with that, either.
I’m gross.
Oh man, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t keep dating someone who had a problem with me farting, peeing, or putting on war paint in front of them. Flossing, however…. nope. I *hate* flossing in front of other people. No problem brushing teeth, but flossing is not on.
I do love popping other people’s zits though. Or plucking their unwanted hairs. I’m a picker by nature, and consider it great fun when I get to share that with others.
Ooo, I love you lot. This is my first post by the way but I’ve been reading everything over the last few months.
Susan, I’m also a picker. There’s a great deal of satisfaction to be had in squeezing my bloke’s back spots.
Likewise, showers, shaving (when I can be bothered, which is rarely due to laziness and in-growing hairs) and eyebrow plucking I will do in front of SOs, but I will not pee or poo with someone else in the bathroom.
I fart and burp with the SO around but fanny farts during sex make me squirm even though I know he has no issues with it, what with it being natural and all.
I love when a post brings out the lurkers. Hi, y’all!
Interesting that most of the comments here are from people in LTRs. As we get secure, sure, we think “well, he farts, I fart, whatevs…”, but in those early days? When is it okay to let ‘er rip?
How do you establish the shift from dating, to sexual intimacy, to everyday bodily intimacy? Do you see those things as tests? “Okay, I accidentally burped, he laughed, we’re cool,” or “OMG HE TOTALLY FARTED GROSS!” or “OMG HE TOTALLY FARTED HE REALLY LIKES ME!”
Who is the gross-out gate-keeper, so to speak?
Things shift significantly once you a) move in together, b) have pets, and/or as Suzanne mentioned, c) have kids, because then you have to engage with other bodies, but when does your “best behavior” start to wear thin with a new person? And does it matter if you see them as a possible long-term prospect, or just a hook-up?
Well, right now the only thing we don’t do in front of each other is uriniate/deficate. We too have one of those master bathrooms where the toilet is in it’s own little closet while the rest of bathroom is open. We will talk through the toilet door to eachother occasionally. I shave and shower in front of him and vice versa. I don’t wear make-up so there’s nothing to hide there.
We had been dating since junior year of highschool, married after grad school, and will have been married for 6 years (I think) come this Saturday. Definitely a LTR. I don’t recall a hard cutoff in our relationship for hiding grooming/bodily functions. It was just gradual. Of course since we started dating in highschool I would imagine that the progression was a little different from a strictly adult relationship.
PHDork – I’d love to say that I have a best behaviour period but sadly I don’t. Come to think of it this may explain much of my past relationship history – I did once bemoan my lack of boyfriend while opening a beer bottle with my teeth to which my best (male) friend looked at me, raised an eyebrow and said ‘hmm I can’t think why’.
My husband made me discover that my habit of blowing my nose in the shower is somehow super-gross. Who knew? Of course, my dad grew up on a farm and he and his brothers regularly do the whole, just blow it out one nostril on the side of the road thing, so I figured waiting until I was in the shower was being polite! Also, when you have a really bad cold, it’s practically the only way to be comfortable blowing a sore sore nose…
At least according to me! Such a random funny thing to find out I was doing “wrong.”
I told my now-SO ten million things on the first date that you supposedly never should say — hey, let’s talk about the time I was in a mental ward! (I guess I was trying to weed him out?)
Anyway, the first time we were hanging out at my house we were having a few drinks on the back porch. He went to use the bathroom and came back immediately, stumbling over his words, saying I might want to come inside. I was on my period, and at this time I bled A LOT. Like, change super tampons twice an hour. I also let the trash build up a bit, and my dog had gotten in the bathroom. Chewed, bloody cotton was strewn all across the bathroom and the room outside. He was so amazingly cool about it, I can’t believe it. He never said anything about it.
We use the toilet in private, but that’s about it. However, in regards to the “mask slipping,” I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve changed since we’ve met, moving away from the beauty standard — the big ones are that I’ve stopped dyeing my hair, plucking my brows, and shaving my legs. I stopped doing all these things as I’ve evolved, and gotten lazier, but I wonder if he feels cheated at all? Especially because the women in one circle of friends are always decked out to the nines. They’ll get up before the menfolk to put their makeup on.
Eeek — just wanted to clarify that when I said “as I’ve evolved,” I meant my own developing self — not that not shaving one’s legs indicates a higher level of development.
this is really interesting. I suspect my attitude towards the full range of the human body orchestra/excretions/olfactory modalities/gussying up stems from growing up in a large household – the bathroom door was never locked (everyone needed to use it at some point whether the mirror or the shower), and everyone spoke and talked back through the toilet door (largely to find out how soon the person on the toot would be).
In my current relationship, the SO let slip that I sometimes farted in my sleep. But it was after he farted in front of me. And it wasn’t a deal breaker or anything. Afterall, we were having sex, sometimes sharing toothbrushes, and kissing each other.
I don’t mind people using the bathroom or speaking to me when I’m on the toilet (defecating or urinating). But I do find it funny that the SO does not like to be spoken to when he’s doing number twos. But I respect that.
Despite our different ideas of the ettiquette of bathroom and other such things usuage, I don’t think there was a lot of mystery to begin with, we met each other through playing football. And were sweaty and stinky and red faced, and there’s really no where to go after you’ve met after some intense “non-sexy” ball time.
Hi PhDork,
Hmm, it’s been a while since I started in a new relationship but I guess my mask slips pretty quickly. After all, there are times when you can’t hold in a fart say. I think I’d usually give an embarrassed snigger and avert my eyes and if he responds with ‘don’t worry, it’s ok!’ then that’s great. If not, then that would be a bit of deal breaker but somehow I’ve managed to pick SOs with a similar sense of toilet humour before it gets to that stage.
As for who is the ‘gross-out gate-keeper’ that would be me but that’s most likely a hang-over from being the sensible big sister rather than something that is actually essential to me.
Since all the lurkers are coming out on this one I too will enter the fray! I’ve been silently following this blog for over a year now, and yes, this post is irresistible.
Apparently I fart in my sleep. This is not a big deal for the LTR’s, but sleeping over on a first date and being woken up by the sound of your own flatulence is not so much fun. I usually pretend I’m still asleep. Ugh. Hasn’t deterred anybody yet, but it definitely makes me anxious.
And yes with the picking! I used to love pulling the stray hairs out of my boyfriend’s eyebrows until it drove him crazy. We both do martial arts, so things got a little heated, but I stopped when it was no longer consensual. Back zits are fun, too.
As recent development in my life has made it necessary to have more thorough communication prior to sex with a new partner. I originally dreaded it, but have since found that the quality of interaction is so much better once you put everything on the table. Gosh, communication, who’d have thought? After that, farting doesn’t seem so significant.
My favorite memory was with one partner who, after I seductively said, “how did you get so sexy?” accidentally let a huge one rip. Good times.