I'm over on the right. In drag AGAIN.
So last Friday I unexpectedly learned a little lesson about gendered bodies, as I mentioned already. But I also learned something else. Or re-learned it. Or perhaps “was smacked in the face with it yet again.”
And that something else is that while I have all kinds of skills and gifts and abilities, one thing that I am apparently incapable of is working a room.
Granted, I didn’t go to the prom to network, I went to dance. But I found myself almost pathologically shy about engaging with just about anyone, even the few I knew or had met before.
I don’t have this problem generally; I know how to talk to people in social/academic settings, and I can go to a gathering of mostly-strangers, provided they are at least friends-of-friends, and get along just fine. But in other situations, even in ones where I can assume some degree of common interest (like an event benefitting WAM!), I turn into a major wallflower/chickenshit. (Thank maude I never had to go through the looking-for-date- at-a-bar thing…) I guess what I need is a script, and a script that isn’t about myself, because I kind of hate talking about myself, especially with strangers.
Moreover, I hate promoting myself, or feeling like I’m promoting myself. “HI I’M PHDORK READ MY BLOG I’M IMPORTANT.” I’m excellent at curating and recommending others’ work (my students; scholars, artists, or bloggers I admire; friends, family members, etc.), and I love doing it, but I am loathe to recommend my own. It feels horrible. And whore-able.
I know that some of this is no doubt due to being raised as a woman. Don’t get too proud, too uppity. Work hard, but deflect credit and demur when you’re praised. I bet my midwestern protestant upbringing helped, too. Work is its own reward, and all that. Whatever it was though, the upshot is that I really don’t like tooting my own horn. It doesn’t bring me pleasure; it makes me feel either self-conscious and vulnerable (“like me? please?”) or gross and infantile (“mommymommylookitme lookit what I can do!”), or just straight-up douchey (“well, lemme tell you about my international award…”) If my work is good, I enjoy being praised for it, but asking for praise–or honestly, even recognition–kind of defeats the purpose for me.
And that’s a problem, I fear. I can apply for jobs, conferences, post-docs (if I find any), because there are formal channels and recognized methods. It’s a huge fucking hassle and I hate every second of it, but I can do it. But without those channels and formalities, I don’t know what the hell to do. But given that my job prospects are dim, I’m probably going to have to learn. Fuck.
That I’ve never gotten a gig that way isn’t helping me, but cripes, I can’t turn around without hearing about how we all need to turn ourselves into brands, and only those who aggressively market themselves will survive this crap economy, blah blah blah. So as much as I resent this model, I guess I’ll need to drag myself into the 21st century market, kicking and screaming (or at least pissing and moaning).
I’m guessing I’m not alone in my loathing though, among women; among people who just want to spend time doing the work, not touting the work; among those who cringe at the idea of people-as-brands. So, friends and readers, help me out. Are you good at this? Are there ways I can learn to be good at this, or at least not hate it with the fiery passion of one thousand raging premenstrual feminists? HALP.
I truly wish I could offer advice but I too am crap at this, which is unfortunate as i have to pitch articles in order to feed my family. But I hate it. I hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. And worse I get horribly English (and a certain type of English at that) about saying that I’m wonderful etc etc.
That said even if it was going to get me the best job in the whole wide world I will never ever describe myself as a brand because that’s quite frankly ridiculous managementese of the worse kind and I would laugh in the face of anyone who started telling me they were a brand.
I accept this makes me crap at success in today’s world, but what do I know I don’t even do innocuous social networking like linked in.
I am terrible at this. So terrible that I suffer at work. I need to read the answers posted here, carefully.
I, too, hate this with a burning passion etc. However! I have done it, when I get really worked up about stuff (bike advocacy! feminism! other shitty inequalities!) and have been known to promote things to strangers. The key, I think, is having a thick skin, and ignoring your self-consciousness. Also having a good exit excuse is important. You have to convince yourself that these people need (or are at least somewhat interested in) what you have to offer. You’re not selling anything, or yourself, you’re just, you know, conveying information.
I am terrible at this, too. Like you, I can sell my *work*, e.g., at conferences, but I hate having to sell or promote myself. I need to get better at this, now that I’m heading back into the post-doc and job market post-PhD, but I’m going to hate it every step of the way.
Hold your head up high. In a world full of apathy and do-nothing attitudes it’s good to hear that you do what you can do. I am not one for leadership myself. I work best in teams but by saying that I can give one bit of advice: if praise makes you feel ackward don’t deflect it directly on anyone who was also involved. I’ve been the afterthought on many praises (“Good Job so-and-so!” So-and-so: “Well…(looks around and see’s the closest person) I couldn’t have done it without (insert random name.”) This often times makes it worse especially when you can’t say why your bringing someone else into the praise. I’ve seen that the most effective thing to do is to give the person thanks for the praise and then change the subject and not try to justify why/how you don’t deserve it because if someone is offering praise than you usually deserve it. I know it’s difficult but you can accept it without tooting your own horn. It’s not your job to make yourself small. Shine on!
Are you thinking about getting out of academia? I’m just at the beginning of my dissertation, and trying to figure out whether to get out now or after I finish the dis. I’ve been obsessively reading leaving academia blogs and career changing resources, and am similarly anxious about looking for work and promoting myself after becoming all too comfortable with the formal methods of academia.
I too suck at this, but then I did realise (and Hilary sums it up best) that most of what I (at paid employment, community groups, activist work) do is conveying information. And I find the whole concept of “branding” for individual people really really really really offensive – I’m a person, not a brand.
I’ve also worked out, that this so called “networking” thing, isn’t really networking. There are some people that go on the prowl promoting whatever thing comes to mind/themselves and always about what’s in it for them. And as it turns out, they’re not very good at it, and most people don’t like to build a relationship with them.
What seems to be good networking, is more like developing/building relationships with people who have similar interests (usually paid work related), and may help each other out (but it’s not the primary aim). Similar to your friends, but you don’t get absolutely schmuntered with them and they don’t see you cry.
I’m still doing baby steps and still have problems “networking”, because I hate self-promotion.
Well, PhD, this is long and rambling, because I think even at my age I’m still kind of figuring it all out, but I’ll try to share what my experience has been so far in terms of networking. It seems like the things you can realistically *do* are:
1) In general social situations (party/dinners out with a group), simply let people know you are unemployed. A couple of things are important here. Be sure to say you are unemployed (rather than “looking”) because it *gently* conveys urgency. A LOT of people are perpetually “looking” for something better and you want to differentiate yourself from those folks. Most everyone will get the subtext of “out of work” because… they’ve been there.
The setting and timing really has to feel right. I think it would be hard to network at a dance party like you describe here, unless you get a chance to sit down to eat or drink in a quiet place for a bit. The only way I know to non-awkwardly bring something like this up is during the “So what have you been up to’s”/”What do you do’s?” I usually simply say, I’m unemployed right now, which usually garners a round of sympathetic replies, generally including, “What kind of work do you do?” Here I can say, “I’m a ____” and then say, “If you know of anything, remember me!” with a dorky smile. On occasion, someone will know of something or give you some kind of lead about companies you might not have heard of before. Keep all of this light and make sure the convo gets turned back to other topics/people fairly quickly. People do love to talk about their work, though, so it’s often part of convo that might happen naturally anyhow. I’ve never gotten a job directly this way, but I have learned about companies and industries I didn’t know about/consider applying to and that helped.
2) Remain in friendly contact with old co-workers. This is the one that’s hard, one that you can’t force, and it’s something you need to begin doing even before you are out of work. If you are *already friendly* with people in your industry, especially old co-workers/old bosses, you can drop them an e-mail/take them to lunch and let them know your situation. This is great because they are in a position to hear of potential openings that you are not. This is I think what people mean when they say “build your network.” This is how I got my last job. I asked a woman at a business my prior company used to work with to be a reference for me. We were already kind of friends and she wanted to see me and have lunch, and she let me know of some open positions in her company. Now, I still had to interview for the job and everything, but it helped to have a recommendation from a respected worker within the company.
I think I had dinner two nights ago with a master networker. He was someone I used to work with and liked very much and we had recently re-connected on FB – after six years of no contact. He really wanted to get together and hang out. It was truly fun to see him again. We talked about our work situations: what we have recently been doing and what we want to do now. He’s kind of looking now, too, and is one of those who always has his eyes and ears open. He told me he wanted to help and if he heard of anything I’d be interested in he’d let me know. I told him I’d do the same for him. After we parted I thought, “Hey! I just networked and didn’t even know it!” We had a good time and, really, I think this is how networking works… It should be simple and fun and doesn’t necessarily lead you directly to a job, it just opens avenues you might not have access to otherwise.
I want to add that most of the jobs I’ve ever gotten have been via simply applying online. Also, the most people in your network can really do is let you know about an opening and then be a reference. You will still have to give the company your resume and still have to interview! Finally, I think that a lot of the networking advice you read about on the web is geared towards small business owners/sales people and simply won’t work for your average working stiff.
Probably TL;DR, but I think the word networking scares people and it’s a lot simpler than we make it out to be. It doesn’t have to be a big deal and it may or may not lead you to anything, but if it does, great! And you can really feel like you’ve exhausted every potential avenue in your search.
After all of that, I feel morally obliged to add that I rarely do the above mentioned things, because I only do them if it feels absolutely right. Otherwise it can be very awkward!
I personally find that self-promotion is a lot easier when I’m talking to people outside my discipline. This might be because my field often comes off as impressive without me having to do anything and most people have an opinion on alternative energy anyway, so I normally don’t even have to say much. I guess that’s not much help since my suggestion is essentially “find some way to make what you do sound really cool and exciting to many people”. :-/
Within my field, I definitely know what you’re talking about. I’ve started applying for fellowships and I feel like SUCH a jackass the whole time — sending my credentials to my letter-writers, writing the “You should give me money because I’m awesome” essays…all of it. The way I normally deal with it is by trying to be as matter-of-fact as possible and essentially just faking as if being awesome is no big thing when I’m talking to people who aren’t my direct superiors in my field. That cuts down on the me-feeling-like-a-jackass quotient and also, I hope, the me-coming-off-like-a-jackass quotient as well.
Yes, most of us don’t like this – many of us hate this – but yes, you can learn to do this. I did. Now people I work with think I’m this big bubble of extroversion because I network A LOT. It’s academia. It’s required. So I do it. Just like all the other crappy parts of the job you do because they have to be done…
Networking is all about talking to other people. That’s the key. It doesn’t matter so much at first what you even talk about, or even who you’re talking to. Really! I’ve met people on planes, at conferences, at work, at social events – I’ve had initial conversations about claudagh rings, my job, someone/something we have in common, or something we’re both experiencing. I’ve talked to Deans, Provosts, post-docs, undergrads, secretaries, janitors, staff, faculty, and other grad students. Believe you me, I’ve used my contacts more than you’d think, especially the staff and students. As long as you’re willing to help out when they ask (and that’s the easiest way to ask for a favor – when you’ve already done someone a favor) it all works.
People are usually feeling JUST as lonely, awkward, and uncomfortable as you feel – anyone who comes up and is willing to break the ice gets bonus points! There is always something to talk about at first – that often has nothing to do with “why” you’re networking, and unless the person you’re talking to is a complete asshat, they will eventually ask a question in return that lets you mention your “why” easily.
Once you’ve made that contact you go from stranger to acquaintance – and your network is really just a big bunch of acquaintances!! When you “need” something, you put it out to your network – whether it’s job opportunities or something to do that weekend, you let people know and let them decide whether/how much they can/will help. Technology has made this easier of course – and some things are good for a mass appeal where others are better suited to a focused group whom you meet for coffee/lunch.
If you can forget yourself, you can be a kickass networker. That way, when you do talk about you, all you’re doing is stating the facts – you can think about it in the third person even if that helps. But, the best thing you can get from your network is advocates – people who will help you get where you want to go by vouching for you. THAT’S the best way to talk about yourself – let others do the talking.
Hope that novel was helpful…
There’s a book called The Art of Mingling that helped me a lot. The author has 5 tricks. I only remember two. One of them is to imagine that your best friend is standing next to you agreeing with you the whole time (which I never tried–the idea just didn’t do it for me) and the other is to have several conversation openers planned. That second one has taken me far. At a surprise party where I only knew the birthday girl, I started every conversation with “How do you know Tracy?”. At an industry event, I went with “So who are you with?” (as in what company).
Thanks Jen, PSG, and Petite. I really appreciate the concrete suggestions and references. …here goes nuthin’.