If there was something that I could have been better warned about when I had #1, it was what I like to affectionately call the “Boob War”. It what appears to be a no-win situation on either side of the debates, however you choose to feed your infant will indicate how society will try to shame you.
We hear a lot about how breastfeeding in public is seen as dirty. Women have been shamed in some of the weirdest places. You see men staring, women getting all grossed out and making comments under their breath, old people shaking their heads, etc. I was always an ally for breastfeeding. I didn’t bat an eyelash or stare when it happened. It was never gross, it was natural. I was totally going to breastfeed my kids because I am Captain Awesome and breast is best. Imagine my horror when it didn’t happen for me and what subsequently became my personal battle in the Boob War.
In Canadian hospitals, it is more common for nurses to do absolutely everything they can to have you breastfeed. There are no formula ads, just diagrams on how to get a proper latch. These nurses will also push you after you tell them you’ve had enough. It wasn’t until day 2 when I showed the nurse the chunk of nipple that was missing and the blood running down my breasts that she got some formula out. I later learned after visiting a lactation specialist that I was not producing enough breast milk and I had blocked ducts as well. Factor in various physical breast issues a little too personal for the interwebs, and I had a recipe for disaster. My mother, having gone through the same thing assured me that it was no big deal and that I tried my best. She was in the minority of women who held that sentiment. I soon experienced shame at the hands of the very same women I’ve been keen on defending.
I will never forget trying out this mom group when my daughter was about a month old. The women were echoing the complaints that a lot of breastfeeding women have in terms of the public shaming they endure. I was totally on board with what they were saying. Then, it happened. Daughter got hungry and I pulled out a bottle. One mom actually stared in complete shock, then said “well ladies, I’d rather have the shame of public breastfeeding than stooping so low as to bottle feed my kids”.
Cue my thought bubble: lol, wut?
The conversation then changed to the evils of bottle feeding and how selfish these women are. Right in front of me like I didn’t exist. At first I just thought it was these women until I started telling the story to other female friends, some with kids. Sure enough, I didn’t have a single ally or anyone to understand. These women were right in their eyes. Forget the fact that it didn’t work. As in tore-a-chunk-of-nipple-OMG-I’m-fucking-bleeding-holy-shit-I’ve-got-blocked-ducts-and-my-baby-won’t-latch kind of not working. I am a selfish ninny who must be a terrible parent because I didn’t stay up day and night, bleeding profusely trying to feed my baby milk that wasn’t there. I found myself getting reminders that breast was best like I was an idiot who had never heard that concept before. Never mind that those who were there to experience my breastfail attested to the fact that I really did try, it wasn’t enough for other women. I was less of a woman.
As a first time mother, it was extremely damaging to my self esteem. I questioned myself every day. Did I really try hard enough? Was it really worth it? Most importantly, am I really depriving my child? I felt alone, shamed and made to feel like an idiot by the very same people that I fought for. I kept hearing all these warnings in my head that I was asking for my kid to be obese, prone to allergies, not as smart as the other kids and getting sick all of the time. Was I really damning my kid to lifelong hell because of formula?
Five years later, and the daughter is far from obese, has no allergies, is never sick and thriving so well in kindergarten. Most people can’t tell the difference between her and a breastfed kid, so when I was pregnant with my son I made the decision to bottle feed my son. Of course, that didn’t stop my own sister-in-law from telling me that I’m damning my kid and that I just “didn’t try hard enough”.
So what if I don’t breastfeed? I tried it. It didn’t work. I don’t need to be reminded that “breast is best, you just didn’t try hard enough”. First off, I’m not a moron, of course breast is best, but there are alternatives if it doesn’t work out. Second, it is not in the scope of a perfect stranger to grasp on whether or not women who use formula tried hard enough. The kids are going to be alright. Even if there are women who didn’t try at all, it’s none of your business and it does not help to patronize these women. You may not believe in it yourself, but much like being pro-choice, it is not your place to judge or criticize. General rule is if you don’t like being told how to raise your kids, chances are the woman next to you doesn’t like it either.
It’s a backwards kind of world when on one hand, there are people demanding acceptance while shaming with the other. Breastfeeding is absolutely best and no woman should ever feel ashamed about it. On the other hand, a woman should never have to feel ashamed about bottle feeding her child. Let’s strive to erase the shame around breastfeeding AND support women who are incapable or find it difficult to their lifestyle. Shaming either group contributes to a society that scrutinizes women unfairly for their choices, and I think we as a group have been judged enough.
Complete word to your whole post, except your statement: “of course breast is best.” I am trained as a scientist, and we demand hard evidence. And the fact is, there really isn’t enough to support this vilifying that is so popular these days. A recent article is of interest:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/
My mother was in your exact position for me and my brother, and we are both fine. My future mother-in-law, however, has already informed me that breast milk is best and that is the end of it. I don’t have kids yet, but I plan to, and I also have no intention of breastfeeding once I go back to work.
The bottle-feeding vs. breast-feeding battle is basically the best possible way to immediately divide women and make us nasty to each other. It’s got all the highlights: body image, parenting skills, nature vs. science, etc. Plus, it comes at a time when we are at our most vulnerable – IMMEDIATELY after giving birth and right at the start of our parenting journey.
I think the biggest thing that gets overlooked is that 100% breast or 100% bottle is not the norm. Most moms/families do a bit of both. Most of my friends did breastfeeding while at home and then pumped some but also used formula while at work. That is the reality. We need to support each other and really believe that each mom is making the best choice for her and her family… although the United States is not always the best at supporting breast feeding (lactation consultants can be hard to come by and breastfeeding is still closely associated with higher-educated/middle-class and up mothers).
ausgezeichnet, you obviously are not researched in the area. That article is junk.
I have 5 children. All were breastfed for some amount of time, but my first two had to be weaned early due to medical problems (lack of milk as one for the second child). I must say I never once had a single nasty comment about bottlefeeding. I was personally feeling guilty over it and still wish I could have breastfed them, but know I did my best with what I had. Especially after going through so much nastiness breastfeeding my other 3. I get rude comments and looks everywhere and people assume I’m a snob because I breastfeed.
I have never, ever met a single person who would make rude comments to someone bottlefeeding. Maybe it’s because almost all of my fellow nursing mothers I have met have had some sort of supply or nipple problem leading to bottle use at some stage?
Anyway, there are always assholes out there. Ignore them. They’ll learn the hard way soon enough by jinxing themselves. The only place I have ever heard of bottlefeeders being targeted is on the internet-I’m sure that’s at least mostly geographical, though. Breastfeeding here is about as popular as keeping Tigers for pets.
I totally agree with you here, btw: “Let’s strive to erase the shame around breastfeeding AND support women who are incapable or find it difficult to their lifestyle. Shaming either group contributes to a society that scrutinizes women unfairly for their choices, and I think we as a group have been judged enough.”
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Amanda Marcotte and Lynn Harris. Lynn Harris said: .@AmandaMarcotte That article nails it–thanks! (*I* was formula-fed, and I WENT TO YALE UNIVERSITY.) Also see: http://bit.ly/i8Rh0J [...]
This issue really illustrates a dynamic that women live with day in and day out: We are expected to completely adhere to the standard model of femininity (breastfeeding, in this case), and if we fail to do so or choose not to, we are punished and stigmatized from all sides; but conforming to the model means marginalization (being shamed for breastfeeding). Heads, you win, tails, I lose.
While I am pro-breastfeeding all the way, one thing that wasn’t mentioned here is that it privileges birthmothers over all others. I wasn’t breastfed—and I couldn’t have been, since my birthmother is actually my aunt who gave me half my genes and carried me to term, because my mother is sterile. So bottle-feeding (with soy milk, no less, since at the time I was lactose intolerant! [I'm a cheese fiend, so needless to say I outgrew that]) was the only option for my mom when I was a baby. The same goes for women who adopt infants, either foreign or domestic. Non-birth mothers don’t need any more othering heaped onto them.
Amen! I’m so glad you wrote this post Marie. I’ve worked with a lot of new mothers and the amount of judging that occurs on this topic is ridiculous. My former boss once ended up crying in her office because she was unable to breastfeed for the same reasons you mentioned and other co-workers were making fun of her for it. Also, my mom was unable to breastfeed for the same reasons; I was bottlefed and ended up fine.
I totally agree with WingStaff that we should be supporting each other instead of being constantly tearing each other apart on this topic. It’s honestly fine either way.
“It’s a backwards kind of world when on one hand, there are people demanding acceptance while shaming with the other.”
I feel like I need to say this more and more often. Maybe I’m just around more judgmental people than I used to be or something? But it’s so true! Folks can be so quick to judge X or Y person based on a single encounter, and then turn around and complain that they get judged by others.
While I absolutely believe there’s a time and place to judge another person’s actions based on the harm those actions do to other beings (i.e. kicking kittens = not okay!), if the activity in question is something either
a) the jury is still out on (like breastfeeding) or
b) is a benign activity that does not harm the individuals involved (consensual sex anyone?)or
c) is too complicated to judge at a glance. this often fits into the other two categories as well, but wtf? who thinks it’s their place to judge the parenting of folks whom they do not know and only pass on the subway or at the grocery store?
Like Marie writes, no stranger is going to know what went into the decision for her family to choose bottle-feeding for their kids. Just like no outsider is going to know what goes into the decision of any one woman to choose pregnancy or abortion with an unplanned pregnancy. It seems like as a culture we really need to have a broader conversation about the parameters of casual behavior-policing and judgment of others’ life choices.
Cat makes a really valid point, about adoptive mothers, IMO.
Also: this is a very First World debate. Thousands of children regularly die all over the world from malnourishment because their mothers don’t have an adequate diet and they can’t get formula. Those families don’t have the luxury of choosing how to feed their babies.
Personally, the only argument against breastfeeding that I find troubling is when women say something like “Oh, I don’t want my kid sucking on my boobs!” or “I need to keep my boobs just for me and my man!” because they think breasts = sex. (English “glamour model” Katie Price started a huge controversy when she voiced those views).
That’s hugely problematic to me—a sign that women have been brainwashed into thinking of their bodies as being strictly objects for sexual gratification (often, someone else’s) and have become disconnected from their bodies’ normal biological functions.
@BeckySharper I agree about the boobs=sex mentality being problematic. It’s creepy that we view the activities for which our bodies were designed as unclean, creepy, abnormal. It seems like we need to model ways to raise those issues — to engage peoples’ critical thinking about how they view breasts, breastfeeding, etc. — without turning it into a shame-fest against the care-givers of small children.
As a non-parent, from the outside I wonder if this isn’t the first time that someone becomes a helicopter parent. Even if it’s the case that “breast is best”, it’s obviously within our technological prowess at this point to create formula that is good enough. It’s not like someone who can’t breastfeed is reduced to feeding her child pig slop (or even pig milk!). It appears to me to be a lack of pragmatism — the perfect being the enemy of the good. And I wonder if this doesn’t manifest in the same way down the line sometimes when it comes to school, extracurriculars, social life, etc.
@baraqiel
As a daughter who was breast-fed, I’d like to suggest that there’s no automatic breastfeeding –> “helicopter parent” (a term I think is used too freely anyway) correlary. Folks who nurse their children can still be very encouraging about that child gaining self-sufficiency and independence according to the child’s personal growth.
I think the point about how so many women really do both is important–and how do you know what’s in that bottle anyway? I got the judgmental looks even when it was expressed milk, not that anyone could tell.
Also, when I was struggling with breastfeeding in the first few days after my son was born, a lactation consultant recommended that we supplement with formula for a little while until baby and I both figured out the breastfeeding thing–I had been so frantic to do what was “best” for the baby and feeling like I was failing at it, that I had totally missed what she reminded me was REAL point: the most important thing is to FEED THE BABY. How you go about it, whether by breast milk or formula, is of secondary importance. Duh. I can’t express how relieved I was, especially since I had totally expected this woman to judge me as a lazy and unfit mother for needing her help in the first place. But getting her “permission” to supplement with formula made all the difference in my mind set, and after two days, we didn’t even need it anymore. Five months later we did again, though, and by seven months, my body had shut down the milk factory so we’re full time formula now. And God bless it for keeping my boy healthy and growing.
But oh, by the way, do I feel guilty because all the books say I’m supposed to have breastfed him until he was a year old? Yup, you bet. *sigh*
I am 10 yrs past the trenches on this one. I’m sorry to hear it is still so shitty out there. Boob wars divides women, as does the other big one – how one gave birth (no drugs spectrum to C-section). I’ve seen women make other women cry by making the most outrageous horrible comments in front of them about their (in most cases) impossible to change circumstances.
Should I even mention the diapering war? (cloth vs. disposable) or the sleeping war? (co-sleeping vs. crib) or how we carry the baby? (stroller or pram vs. sling or other soft carrier). Caring for an infant is a minefield in our culture, with mainly other mothers either friend or foe, based on simple parenting choices that often we have no choice about.
Jesus. I don’t have any kids so I didn’t even realize this was a thing. As long as the baby is getting its nutritional needs met then who gives a rat’s ass how it gets done?
Holy shit bleeding nipples makes me shudder.
I do think, though, that there is some difference on the how-to-feed-a-baby mentality due to generational, social class, and location differences. I was mostly formula fed, because my family was lower-middle-class: we could afford formula, but my mom had to work and didn’t have time or energy to breast-feed or pump. So it is what it is. I’m pretty smart, not dead yet, and so on.
That said, I do think Breast is Best. But only because I prefer DIY/anti-capitalism behavior rather than buying shit. But you know, I still buy shit. And being like, breastfeeding is a more ethical economic decision is ridiculous, so while I recognize that the over-marketing of formula that still happens in some places–what with plenty of people not knowing/realizing that breastfeeding is as good/better than formula, with plenty of people (seriously) thinking that formula is preferable because you buy it and it’s Sciencey–is very dangerous, the whole argument is a little sample of misogynistic culture’s invasion of women’s lives and brains.
Also, a few years ago my alma mater sent out their alumni magazine, and their main article was about this very debate (I went to an all-women’s college). It was very informative and awesome; and I learned that in Australia (at least according to this article) pregnant women routinely sunbath topless because getting tanned/sunned nipples makes your nipples tougher and less likely to bleed or chafe during breastfeeding. Which I think it awesome, and I dream of a world in which pregnant women lay out naked and big-bellied with nobody looking askance.
When I told a former co-worker of mine–a woman who was about 5 feet tall and gave birth to triplets, and in the last month of her pregnancy was about as deep as she was tall–she told me that she wants to open a baby-feeding store, where they’ll sell and rent breast pumps, breast-feeding bras, formula, and all formula accoutrement. She was like, “People suck! One woman cannot feed three hungry babies without help! This store will have no judgments and be awesome!” I hope she opens it someday.
A few studies have shown that breastfed children tend to have healthier immune systems, but there is no corresponding weakening of immune systems of those that are bottle fed.
It comes down to this: formula is a newer thing. Women breast fed for millennia and no one said boo about it. Formula was created, and now there has to be a fight over it. Let it go. Mother’s should do what works best for them.
Ms. M – exactly. I was just going to write about c-section vs vaginal birth causing similar flaming and shaming between mothers. (And since I’ve now given birth both ways, I’d say they both suck equally and have different but equal good points. I refuse to judge women for their choice of giving birth, if they even have a choice.)
And Lady Nocturne – my 11-month-old just decided he is no longer interested in breastfeeding. At all. In fact, he no longer wants a bottle, either. He lunges after cups greedily, with huge eyes and grasping hands, clamping his mouth to them vampire-style.
It makes me sad to lose this wonderful connection, the snuggling time. And I had dearly hoped to make it to that magic deadline of a full year. But no. He’s done.
*Oh man, this is like MY TOPIC. I apologize for what is sure to be an epic comment*
Do I get extra points for writing this WHILE I am breastfeeding my 2 week old daughter? No? I was told that’s how motherhood worked.
Breastfeeding – pretty much the ONLY way to feed a baby for 90% of human existence – is trying to make a comeback after decades of falling out of favor thanks to formula marketing, which includes making women ashamed of their bodies and breasts. Breastfeeding advocates feel like they are fighting the good fight and always losing. The problem is in trying to “educate and inform women on the benefits of breastfeeding so they can make the best decision”, breastfeeding advocates keep dropping that last part. They can’t understand WHY everyone doesn’t see “the best decision” the same way they do (ditto for birth/circumcision/homeschooling/vaccinations/everythingelseaboutparenting) and things get judgey.
Breastfeeding worked for me for a lot of reasons, many of which are due to my white upper-middle-class lifestyle. It takes a HUGE amount of privilege to dedicate the time and energy to exclusive breastfeeding, as well as a personal decision that it is important to your parenting experience. I struggled with it a LOT the first time around, which made me very sympathetic to other moms who struggle (much more so than I was pre-baby, when I was 100% confident I was going to be awesome at breastfeeding and wouldn’t even CONSIDER formula).
Although I support breastfeeding in a general “if you want some advice from someone with experience, feel free to call me” way, I don’t really care how other people choose to feed their children. Here in the US, formula and clean water are both readily available and a legitimate choice for those who can’t/don’t breastfeed. What I DO find troubling is women who want to breastfeed but are discouraged by society or their families, especially when the tactics involve shaming them for being “gross” or “inappropriate”. Wanting to breastfeed but not being successful is incredibly hard on a new mom and they need support and understanding no matter WHAT they end up choosing. Shame on anyone who looks down on a mom for trying to do her best.
(That being said, I have a personal problem with “I was formula fed and I was fine!” comments. That’s like saying “I once had unprotected sex and I was fine!” Anecdotal stories about formula fed kids going to Ivy League schools isn’t evidence of anything besides perhaps being good at school. And for every study like the one the first commenter linked there are a dozen more that DO show breastfeeding to reduce obesity/diabetes/allergies/ear infections.)
Thanks so much, both for this post and for most of the comments here. I was in a special bind with my first son: I bottlefed him breast milk. Yeah… so I got real pissy real fast with ANYONE who dared to condescend to me about my “choice”. I hope that by pointing out that it was breastmilk in that bottle and not formula, and where do you get off making presumptions about me and then criticizing me based on what you *assume*!… well.. I just hope that it taught a few people to mind their own business.
My first son spent the first weeks of his life in the NICU, and it was very important to be able to have acurate measurement of how much he ate and how much he eliminated. The nurses weighed every diaper, I’m not kidding. After a couple weeks of pumping and bottle-feeding for the most accurate measurements, we had settled into a routine that neither of us were able to alter. He refused to latch, I eventually abandoned my efforts and got an awesome hospital grade breast-pump that I carried everywhere with me for the next 14 months.
Fortunately, my biggest problems were my internal guilt. I *knew* I was doing what I felt was best, since I am personally of the opinion that breast is best when possible, but I had to get over the feeling that strangers were judging me based on what they saw when I whipped out a bottle rather than a boob.
Wingstaff, you could be sharing a brain with me by the way… I could have written word for word what you did. Thanks for that.
This topic never fails to astonish me, although I very much enjoyed the post.
I actually did both with my kids from the beginning. I know how terribly indecisive. I didn’t feel guilty about it. Generally speaking I breast fed because it was for me easy and also cheap ie free. And I am broke and stingy. Then again there were times when they got the bottle, I couldn’t pump at all for some reason, tried everything and it was a nightmare so I thought sod it and gave them formula on certain occasions.
People did constantly tell me that I would confuse them but oddly enough neither child has ever had any difficulty differentiating between breast and bottle.
Oh one other thing I was pretty lucky in that in comparison to the UK it’s a piece of piss to breastfeed in public in New York. I never once got a comment about it. Then again I do live in Brooklyn….
Also Lady Nocturne, just pick up European books instead. The World Health Organisation says six months, which is the standard in the UK and Europe. I’d never heard of breast feeding for a year until I came to the US.
@annajcook – I was actually more referring to people who are judgmental/insistent about everyone breastfeeding, not people who just choose to breastfeeding for themselves.
I’m sitting here with tears flowing down my face. THANK YOU for this post, seriously.
I’m just about done weaning my now 10 month old baby. She was born very early and spent time in the NICU, and had huge latch issues. I’ve pumped milk full time (5 to 7 HOURS a day) in order to make enough to feed her for 9 months, and while taking care of a new born baby while pumping is easier, it’s impossible to do so with a mobile, crawling, attention-demanding baby. I agonized over this decision to stop pumping, and to switch to formula, but when my sister-in-law heard this, she still found it easy to condescend to me saying “I will only do the best for my child and feed him for 2 whole years. Poor “. She could never pump well, and has been privileged enough to be able to feed him directly, but the insult still rolled right off her lips.
I live in Brooklyn, baby mecca, and I’m deeply embarrassed each time I pull out a bottle to feed my daughter. So much so I used to delay feeding her if we’re outside – now we don’t go out much except for short bursts in-between feeds.
I know, I sound like I’m drowning in self-pity – I was lucky to have a good supply, to not be physically troubled by pumping, to be able to afford multiple high-quality hands free pumps, to be able to dedicate such hours to pumping – and I’m grateful for all that. Still, I feel immensely guilty for having deliberately weaned before a year.
My major issue with the current strain of lactivism often arises when some breast-feeding supporters seem unable to acknowledge disabled and mentally ill mothers in the issue. If you’ve had a masectonomy and those breasts have been reconstructed / if your on a mental health medication like lithium that is known to cause endocrine issues in nursing babies / if you have any other condition, physical or mental, that makes it difficult or imprudent to breastfeed. Then you basically get erased from the debate. Very few people who would give a bottle-using mother a hard time would stop to consider that perhaps she is a mother with a disability.
In addition to families made through adoption, this debate also overlooks many same-sex families (especially with two fathers). Breastfeeding only really comes into play if the biological mother of the child is present in the home – with is not always the case.
I am not anti-lactivists, because they do serve a valuable purpose. But I am over how often the refrain becomes, “Your breasts don’t belong to your man, they belong to your BABY!” That’s anti-feminist, because, uh, NO they belong to ME.
Chevalier, you really shouldn’t feel guilty – the whole year thing is only in the US anyway and I’ve never understood why they made such a big deal out of it.
And honestly as someone else who lives in Brooklyn, sod them, there are an awful lot of judgmental mothers in this neck of the woods. As I mentioned before I fed my children both formula and breast milk and actually I stopped breast feeding both at seven months and yes occasionally people stared in coffee shops when I bought out a bottle so I simply stared back at them.
They do not have a monopoly on the right or wrong way to raise your child. Quite honestly this nation seems to expend an awful lot of energy on making women feel guilty one way or another.
drahill- thanks for bringing that up. I breastfed my first for over 2 yrs, and bottlefed my 2nd after 2 weeks because I was on medications for my rheumatoid arthritis.
Because of the intense Breast is Best culture in this area, I did not take the powerful meds I needed while I nursed my first. I ended up with joint damage and finger deformity which required joint fusion surgery. But EVERYTHING told me I should give up MY health for my child. That breastfeeding was THAT critical to his health.
With my 2nd, I was like “hell if I’m going through that again” and put him on the bottle as soon as I could handle bottles and mixing formula. Then on I got on those meds and enjoyed being able to get out of bed and ENJOY my kids.
May I just say that these comments are all very glorious?
There has been some excellent points raised about the mental health and birth mother privilege in breastfeeding that I didn’t even think about, so thank you to those who mentioned it!
I am wondering though about the whole bottle feeding being a point of privilege as well. I’m thinking that maybe the privilege would lie in the choice if you were able to do either breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Because it takes a lot of time and energy for breastfeeding (thank god mat/parental leave in Canada is a year), yet formula feeding is expensive and sterilizing for the first 4 months is a pain in the ass. If you’re in the lower class, I can imagine that if you’re not privileged enough to take a year off or don’t pump well…or hell, you can’t breastfeed…either choice sucks.
Ah, this all makes me so sad. The goal of having a kid isn’t to have a glorious birth/breastfeeding/parenting experience. The goal of having a kid is to raise a healthy, capable, decent human being (which may produce glorious moments, but no work is harder and more thankless than child-rearing). No one meets that goal 100% because our kids are as imperfect as we are and because sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Still, you do your best. Any way your kid gets the nutrition s/he needs is the right way.
Shaming women who do/don’t breastfeed is an expression of fear that the shamers aren’t doing it right themselves. They’re trying to justify a choice they’re not confident about having made. Those of us who are confident don’t need to bring someone else down.
And that reflects the misogyny of our culture. We learn early that women are wrong whatever we do, and instead of recognizing that message for the bullshit it is, we absorb it and spew it back at other women, while we let it poison us. People who say we’re post-feminist have no idea how far we still have to go.
Ms. M: I chalk alot of the crap mothers with disabilities take to the “cult of selflessness” that all mothers are expected to partake in. Its a messed up culture indeed when a mother who goes without her own medical care is considered selfless and wonderful for doing it so she can breastfeed or do something else for her baby. The reality of it is (to me) that the absolute best thing a mother can do for her baby is provide a stable, safe and loving home. And that’s harder to provide if mom has been impaired/injured/mentally compromised because she was shamed into the breast is best mentality. Children need food – obviously. But they need happy healthy parents too. And that’s a need that will continue long after babyhood.
I’m so sorry that you experienced all that shaming and that it hurt you that way. I’m not a mother (yet! hopefully soon!) but I know that I won’t breastfeed because I;m realistic and know that I will likely take Lithium for a few weeks post-partum to stabilize my moods and help me out. Anybody who would ever try to shame a mother into physical or mental risk for the sake of breastfeeding is not a friend to mothers, imo. And they’re not a feminist.
@Cimorne – this was a recommendation (I’m not so sure now however), and I remember my mum used to do it (she gave birth to >5 kids), but rather than on the beach, she would catch the morning sun in the lounge room.
I do not have a child/ren, but when I was young, my mum was often called upon to help out women who recently gave birth/adopted a child/ren. (She would take all of us to the local health centre and we would sometimes be part of the group – eg latching an infact, comfortable bottle feeding, weaning). In part because my mum is an advocate of breast-feeding and child-led weaning (Some of us drank breast milk up until 3 or 4, some earlier at 9 months). But she was not a zealot about it, and seemed to make women feel comfortable. [Besides when we went out, my mum packed bottles for feeding, because well she only has 2 breasts and greater than 2 children who still drank milk at that time.]
When women would ask her advice she would ask back – “what would work best for YOU?”
If this meant pumping milk and bottle feeding, formual and bottle feeding, and/or breast-feeding, I still remember my mum saying words to the effect in order to care for your newborn, you need to be physicaly, mentally and emotionally able to do it. I think that’s the key to whole issue – what will help a parent provide the care required for a newborn.
Though I do remember my mum at one stage looking into breast milk banks. But there was and still seems to be a lot of [largely western] cultural backage about children drinking another woman/women’s breast milk. But I love the idea of a breast milk bank facility being available, in particular to women who are unable to/have problems breastfeeding, parent/s who adopt, and sole male parent/s of a newborn.
There’s a book I read which covers a lot of these issues. It is called _Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety_. I haven’t read it in years, but at the time I did I appreciated the breakdown of cultural messages, and how they contradicted one another, and trying to fulfill them all was GUARANTEED to produce anxiety in mothers. For a lot of patriarchal reasons, fathers don’t get the same messages, and have less pressure on them.
I’m all over the map on parenting philosophies. I’ve had two c-sections (one of which was definitely unnecessary, though prompted by my dr), but breastfed my son for two years. I co-slept both kids, but when I was done co-sleeping my son, I promptly Ferberized (that’s cry-it-out). I’m a stay at home mom, but I can’t imagine my next door neighbor doing the same thing (though she’s still co-sleeping with her five year old).
I don’t understand how anyone could think parenting is about anything other than making the choices that are easiest for your family. Don’t we all just do what works for us? I never thought I’d co-sleep, but our first night home from the hospital, we realized the boy slept 45 minutes at a time in the bassinet and three hours at a time in bed with me. We never looked back.
Maybe I’m just a passive parent – it’s not like I researched and said “I will breastfeed for years.” It just happened. I was at a hospital with great support and had a free lactation consultant through my OB. And once I got started ok, it was easy for me. So I didn’t quit until I wanted to be away from my son for a long weekend – two years later. And I really feel like that’s how it’s all been – we’ve just stumbled on to all our decisions. And that being the case, how could we judge anyone else? Assuming they didn’t have the exact same random set of circumstances that led to our decisions, how could they have the same set of decisions?
That said, the Northwest where I live definitely tends toward terrible self righteousness on the pro-breastfeeding side.
I think the other about this whole debate is that people tend to have all their babies in the same place and whatever the cultural pull of that location, because it’s all you know, you assume the larger culture shares those same pressures and expectations. That is not true.
I had my first son in the Northwest and my second son in the Mid-Atlantic. There was a huge cultural change between those two locations. When the lactation consultant called three weeks after my second son’s birth to check if I needed any additional support, she was extremely happy to find out I was still breastfeeding because out of the 10 or 15 calls she had made that day, I was the only mother who still was. Within my larger group of friends there was much more support for weaning at around six months than there was for extended nursing.
I think the problem with lactivists is that they are concentrated in more liberal areas where there is already a higher percentage of breastfeeding mothers so it sort of becomes like preaching to the choir. We need to be fighting the pressures that tell women that their breasts and bodies are either for complete sacrifice to their children or for the sexual gratification of men and that those two goals are diametrically opposed to each other (on top of completely erasing the actual woman’s desires and goals from the equation).
Marie Anelle – the privilege re bottle feeding is interesting because definitely one of the reasons I breast fed initially was cost, I’m on a pretty tight budget and formula is very expensive. But I was also lucky because I work from home and had very greedy children who latched immediately which made breast feeding much easier.
That said I think in the UK (although I don’t know for sure as I had my kids in the US) you are entitled to free formula for a period of time, which is one of the reasons many lower income families, particularly single mothers who are working, choose to formula feed.
I will say that with my first child the paeditrician in New York did actually give me some free formula which came in useful on dark cry-filled nights.
@baraqiel apologies for mis-reading your comment! I agree that parents being overtly judgmental about other parents’ decisions is obnoxious. There is no “best” that works for everyone.
“Breastfeeding worked for me for a lot of reasons, many of which are due to my white upper-middle-class lifestyle. It takes a HUGE amount of privilege to dedicate the time and energy to exclusive breastfeeding, as well as a personal decision that it is important to your parenting experience.”
AND
“Marie Anelle – the privilege re bottle feeding is interesting because definitely one of the reasons I breast fed initially was cost, I’m on a pretty tight budget and formula is very expensive.”
Make me think about how class issues vis a vis childcare choices are rarely clear-cut. Here we have two examples of how breastfeeding can be seen as a “privileged” choice AND a choice made because someone was in an economically marginal position. Same choice, different reasons meaning radically different things in relation to class.
I think the idea of social privilege is a really useful one for analyzing how oppression and marginalization works, but I have grown wary of throwing the idea of “privilege” around about specific activities (i.e. “breastfeeding is a social privilege,” or “bottle-feeding is a privileged choice.”) Sometimes, it totally can be. And I think it’s worth looking at childcare practices through the lens of social criticism, with an awareness of privilege and inequality.
BUT. I think it’s wrong to say that any one activity, irrespective of the context, is a “privileged” choice. I think the focus for feminist activists might more fruitfully be to challenge society to ensure that all forms of childcare are available to parents, regardless of family form, economic circumstances, race and ethnic background, disabilities, etc. Neither breastfeeding NOR bottle-feeding should be decision so over-determined by social inequalities (money, flexible work schedules, etc.)
OH! I meant to address Suzanne, hopefully she’s still hanging around.
I think the reason why a lot of people who were formula fed, have formula fed their kids and are currently formula feeding their kids go on the “I/my kids are fine” anecdotal tangent is because it’s such a personal issue that we can’t help but take it personally. Speaking for myself, I take it especially personally because who are those people to tell me that seeing people who are fine is invalid and in need of addressing?
I know this is not everyone’s experience, but I got the same level of scare tactics against formula feeding that I got scare tactics against abortion. I turned out mostly fine (I’m fat, but it’s pretty much my own fault), my brother is fine, my sister-in-laws are fine (one of my sister-in-laws breastfed and her kid still ended up with allergies, and she’s not even two, so obviously other variables are in play), my kids are fine, my friends’ kids are fine, etc etc.
The point is that kind of judgement and scare tactic is uncalled for, and so is erasing the experiences of formula fed people who ARE fine.
Wow! I don’t have much to add to the discussion because I’m definitely a newbie in The War for Boobs, but I just wanted to say thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful comments. I learn so much from you all!!!
[...] 8) Breastfeeding: Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t The Pursuit of Harpyness [...]
A friend of mine gave birth a while back, and did the whole midwife thing (in addition to having a hospital birth). She has always been pretty crunchy and natural, and was 100% sure she wanted to breastfeed. Except…it didn’t work. The baby didn’t latch, she didn’t have enough milk – it just wasn’t happening. At one point she said she was sobbing, the baby was screaming and sobbing, and her midwife said “Look, if part of the point of breastfeeding is to bond, then you’re not bonding well when both of you are sobbing hysterically. It’s okay. I’ll get a bottle.”
She ended up doing a combo of pumping then using a bottle, plus formula (he was a big and hungry baby). Today, he’s a happy, healthy toddler.
Women need to ease up on each other.
“Women need to ease up on each other.”
Oh they SO have if the latest UK campaign is anything to go by.
http://themamatao.blogspot.com/2011/03/uk-goes-hard-core-natural.html
The last paragraph sums up the situation. Women should not be shamed for their infant feeding decision. ALL of the Mothers will continue past the infant stage with their child and need to feel good about themselves and have confidence to raise those children to adulthood. Let’s be kind and supportive. With regards, a womanist Mom.