Last year, I did something that ruined a friendship. It didn’t involve stereotypical cat-fight situations: sleeping with her husband or gossiping behind her back. So what did I do? I traveled … without my husband.
Apparently, this meant I was a slut who was obviously traveling to cheat on my husband. (Not that I would cheat, but I wouldn’t need to travel halfway around the world to do it.) Clearly, this is a controversial issue because when you Google “travel without husband,” the third result is a message board post by a woman asking if it’s okay to travel without her husband. There’s also a very old question on Yahoo! Answers asking the same. Thankfully, most of the people explained that it’s perfectly fine for married women to travel alone. And it is.
What does this say about our society, that women need to constantly reassure themselves of this? I don’t need permission to travel without my husband. And I don’t need judgment from women who go everywhere with their husbands. The reality is that many couples aren’t able to take vacations together either because of conflicting work schedules or, you know, not having enough vacation days. I do live in the United States, after all.
A couple years ago, Time wrote “Is It Healthy for Couples to Travel Apart?” Spoiler: It is.
So, are separate vacations a good idea? Ian Kerner, a sex and relationships counselor and the best-selling author of She Comes First and Sex Recharge, wishes more couples would take them. “I certainly think [separate vacations] would be an excellent trend because absence does make the heart grow fonder.”
Still, many couples I spoke with wouldn’t dream of going away without their mates. “Where’s the fun in that?” asked one devoted husband. Another woman revealed that she used to vacation without her ex-husband all the time. “But,” she confided, “only so I could cheat.” (I think it’s safe to say that marriage had issues beyond the odd solo trip.)
Far from being a symptom of a troubled relationship, Kerner says solo vacationing is often quite the opposite: “I think it’s cool to be able to travel separately — it’s an indication that you’re in trusting, safe, secure relationship,” he says.
“If you don’t trust your spouse enough to have some separate time, then that should be examined, not why you would want to have a separate vacation once in a while,” says Rogoff Moraga.
It’s no wonder my ex-friend assumed I was traveling halfway around the world to get laid. However, my feelings are accurately summed up in the last sentence. Couples who spend every single moment together simply don’t trust each other enough to be apart. Period.
The first solo trip I took was to New Zealand to visit a former co-worker who moved there. My husband didn’t have any vacation days at the time. So I went without him. Shortly afterward, I got laid off from my job and used my severance to fund solo trips to Morocco and Turkey. I met several other women who were traveling alone, both single and married. I encountered a lot of people who said, “It’s too bad your husband couldn’t come” or “Don’t you wish your husband were here?” In New Zealand, yes. In Morocco and Turkey, no. I know my husband’s travel style; he would have been miserable wandering through overcrowded mosques and bazaars in Marrakesh and Istanbul. He’s more of a hike-in-a-national-park kind of person. And I respect that. (The one vacation we did take together was to Tayrona National Park. It should come as no surprise that it was his all-time favorite vacation.)
On my last day in Turkey, someone said, “I wish I had the courage to travel alone at your age.” She was 56. I’m 27. I smiled. And I thought about how I don’t miss ex-friend at all.
I’m fascinated by the fact you actually lost a friend because you traveled solo. That’s some intense opinionating!
I agree with your point that if you’re so insecure that solo travel (or by extension any sustained independent activity) equals infidelity, then wow … back up and consider what’s going on with that relationship and deal with that, rather than curtailing said activity. But the fact that anyone would judge you from outside the relationship and say your marriage was broken because you traveled alone? That’s damn impertinent!
Lost a friend? Hardly a friend if they got bent out of shape over you traveling alone…
My wife travels to Europe without me, for both business and pleasure. I know she’s no cheating, though she is probably flirting. Doesn’t bother me. Why should it? I married her because among the many things that make me love her, I trust her.
Other people need to mind their own business.
“Couples who spend every single moment together simply don’t trust each other enough to be apart. Period.”
Quite a leap there — not taking separate vacations is not the same as spending every single moment together out of fear and mistrust.
I don’t want to take a vacation separate from my husband — we don’t get enough time together as it is, so it’s great to spend full days of it with him.
I do travel for business alone, and he does occasionally, too. I’m not *afraid* to leave him home or vice versa. We just like each other a lot.
That’s pretty insane. I’ve never really considered this – I often travel without my husband because I am freelance and thus have my own holidays so I take the kids to the UK and Ireland without him and on occasion without them, although to be fair that’s generally work based as he usually has to take some sort of time off if I leave them with him.
If we lived in the UK still then I’m sure we would spend the odd weekend doing entirely different things and seeing different people but it’s not quite the same living abroad.
I will say that I’m also not sure about the leap to people spending all time together not trusting each other. I generally like holidaying with my husband, he doesn’t hassle me and allows me to read for hours on end. In my ideal world i would actually have some way of leaving my children for a weekend so we could just go off together but that will have to wait until I move back somewhere with family.
I’ve certainly never thought oh I better not leave him, he’ll cheat. Generally my seperate holidays are driven by the desire to spend more time somewhere then he can manage rather than anything else.
I use a lot of my vacation time to take classes or volunteer places, which both pads my resume and underscores what a huge dork I am. I most often do these things alone, because unless my travel companion is also taking a class or volunteering they are unlikely to want to fill their time, alone, in Minneapolis or the middle-of-nowhere North Carolina or whatever random library.
Also, I’m terrible at relaxing, I need a super-high level of mental stimulation to get through the day without feeling sick and wrong, and that is not always compatible with the ways my loved ones like to vacate. So, if we tripped together there is a pretty high probability that either they or I would not be on the optimal vacation. What is the sense in that?
I really, REALLY like the Dude, but I do travel without him–for business, to see family, and yes, even for pleasure. We have difference schedules and interests and money is tight; we can’t do everything we’d like, anyway.
I can’t tell you the number of times going to see my family at Xmas w/o him (we have tried every conceivable arrangement, but there are too many people and locations), and I’ve always gotten concerned questions about The State of my Relationship from mostly-well-meaning acquaintances.
That said, as much as I enjoy our time together, it’s nice to have time apart, occasionally.
I’m a huge fan of solo travel, and so is my mother, who more than once has left her husband at home when he had to work, or when she wanted to go somewhere he didn’t want to visit. We’ve definitely gotten raised eyebrows over it, so this post resonated with me, big time.
The whole notion that women need a male escort lest they slut around or fall into danger is antiquated and tired and misogynist, but boy, it is still out there, even in our supposedly more enlightened Western societies.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Pursuit of Harpyness. Pursuit of Harpyness said: What’s So Revolutionary About Women Traveling Alone? http://bit.ly/gjCTV2 [...]
@oldfeminist writes: not taking separate vacations is not the same as spending every single moment together out of fear and mistrustAgree with you there, as my partner and I really love to spend our leisure time doing stuff in tandem, and get lonely for eachother when we travel solo without the other. I think the distinction is if the idea of traveling solo causes extreme anxiety or triggers distrust in your partner/spouse. Or if you’re limiting your activities to a major degree (that is, not doing something that really brings you pleasure) because the other person isn’t interested or can’t come at a given moment.
For example, I took a 10-day research trip alone last spring. Did I miss Hanna? Hell, yeah. Did I cancel my research and design my thesis around a topic that could be researched locally so I didn’t have to leave? No. And she didn’t ask or expect me to (and probably would have been upset if I’d tried).
My husband pretty much expects me to travel by myself if it involves a plane. He is so scared of flying that we haven’t been able to go on a vacation together because the place we really want to go requires a couple of days driving and would max out any vacation time I had at work. It’s either just me or with a friend.
Several years ago, I took a trip to Europe on my own (wasn’t married/in an LTR so that didn’t play into it) and I was absolutely stunned by the number of people who just couldn’t get the concept through their heads. “Alone? Do you know anyone there? Well, aren’t you brave!” Brave was one I heard a LOT. I was staying in Paris for a week. It’s not like I was going spelunking in a remote Peruvian cave or something.
This is a subject that presses near and dear to my heart, because I would love to travel a bit more than I do, and for me it’s fun to go with a friend, but so many women just can’t conceive of traveling alone or with only other women. Certainly there are some dangers to be aware of, but it’s more than that, too. I think that some women just feel (still! ugh!) that they need a man there, “In case something goes wrong,” and that makes me so sad. Another issue that I think factors in is that most people can only afford a few (if any!) big trips in their life, and they want to “save it” for a romantic partner.
How odd. I know SO many women who vacation separately from spouses. Usually it is a lack of similar interests thing.
Even when the spouse and I travel with the kids, we end up splitting up on the vacation. We simply have different interests and stamina. We take turns taking care of the kids while the other does their thing.
I can’t imagine someone thinking to travel without one’s S.O. is somehow outrageous.
Wow, I would never have even thought of the idea that going on vacation alone was a sign that a woman was trying to or going to cheat. I agree that you’re better off without that “friend”.
My husband and I spend a LOT of time together, but it’s because we work together AND really enjoy each other’s company. I was just telling him last night about who flirts with me all the time at the grocery store, and I even went on a roadtrip with a male friend who every stranger along the way assumed was my boyfriend. But it’s all just kind of amusing, not threatening to our marriage in any way.
Wow. I had no idea that this was a thing! When I read the title I thought it would be about foreign women in foreign countries, like how Egyptian law used to deny a woman the right to travel outside the county without the permission of her husband. Maybe it’s the family and community I grew up in, or maybe it’s the fact that I never travel because I can’t afford to. Thanks for writing this up and bringing it to my attention!
For those interested in stories of solo traveling as a woman, I highly recommend some of the stuff that Laurie from the Crazy Aunt Purl blog has written – http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/archives/2008/12/london_calling.php
i love travelling and having said that, i have no problem in travelling alone. Infact i don’t see any problem in not travelling with my partner. If he doesn’t want to go or if he has some work schedule and I have the chance, why not. I am not married now , hence I can and do travel alone for fun but I wonder what will happen once I get married. Will my partner have a problem with this attitude of mine. Will he think I am ready to have fun without him. I don’t know. But I surely love travelling and does not let any chance passby.
The friend was probably jealous because she didn’t have the courage to travel on her own. Thing is, it’s not just married women who catch flack for traveling alone. I’ve been unmarried for more than 20 years and people are always shocked when they find out I travel by myself. Shoot, if I had to wait for a travel companion, I’d be stuck at home all the time!
I’m just writing a similar post and doing some research.
I’m also going for a trip without my husband. I’m leaving in january with my sister for a 3 months trip around South East Asia. I feel guilty, but I also dream about travel and this is what I need to do. He doesn’t mind me going. He decided not to go because of his work, and I’m not going to give up on a dream.
I really like your post. I’m glad I’m not along