Well, all the New Year diet crap was bound to trigger this…
Let me tell you something about my upbringing: my family doesn’t like fat. Some, like my grandmother, outright tell you horrible things and slap your thighs. Others do that concern trolling because it’s all about your health, amirite?
I have always had a hard time accepting my body. When the girls in the 6th grade were contemplating buying their first training bras, my mother was buying me a 32C bra with Muppets on it. She thought that the Muppets would make me feel better. I do love me some Kermit, but when you get tagged as the fat kid at school because you’re the only option and your older brother’s friends are looking at you like you’re the older sister, let’s just say I wanted to hide. By the time I hit the 8th grade I hit the D’s. Throughout the rest of middle school and most of high school, I ate myself into oblivion. I peaked at just over 200 in high school, decided in the 11th grade that rugby and an eating disorder would help and graduated at 170. I was so happy with that weight. Now, I was still considered chubby at a size 15/16, but no one really bothered me about my weight anymore.
Then there was my first pregnancy. I came out of that one in rough shape. I had gained 90 pounds. Truth be told, all the mockery of those kids and the concern trolling of my family filled my head and it didn’t help that people’s first words to me was usually something about losing the baby weight, right after they cooed over K (I so have a post about that in the future…), and before giving me a hug. After I had my second one, G, I came out 15 pounds lighter. Cue the comments about how I can now lose K’s weight because OMG HOW DARE YOU STAY FAT AFTER HAVING A BABY THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS YOU’RE GONNA DIE THEY NEEEEEEED YYYOOOOOOUU!!!!
ahem
Then there’s all these lovely posts and support online that tell you that it’s okay. Being fat isn’t the end of you, so long as you’re healthy that’s all it matters, and even if you are sucking down vats of McDonald’s it’s no one’s business but your own. I know deep down that this is all true. There’s one major problem. I can’t reconcile looking at old pictures of myself, with the way I am now, and truly say that I am going to be fine with the way I am.
Now, I find people who are fat and happy some of the bravest people on earth, and I am way more jealous of them than I am of thin people. Daring to be fine with just the way you are is such a giant FU to society, and I only wish that I can be so bold. But the plain and painful truth for me is that I haven’t looked at my full body in a full mirror for more than 30 seconds because I hate my body, I hate the way I look, and on the darker days I hate myself. And I know this is such a downer moment and I’m pissing on a lot of parades here, but telling me that I am fine just the way I am when I am so repulsed by my own appearance is like crapping on my head and expecting me to call it a hat.
It’s not for lack of trying. I tried before I got pregnant with G to lose weight. I walked to and from work every day, which was an hour total. I curbed a lot of my eating. I tried to stay positive that even just this lift in activity would help, but I didn’t move an inch. This is where those in the FA and HAES (Healthy At Every Size) movements would tell me that it’s okay, maybe I’m meant to be this way now. But how do you tell yourself, when you see yourself in better times looking hot and confident, that you’re supposed to be fat? How do you tell yourself that it’s okay when YOU YOURSELF is the primary person not okay with it? I can only blame society for how it sees me for so long before I see that I am my own worst critic and honestly I don’t know how to stop.
I’m scared. I have all the deathfatz stuff in my family with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart issues. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be told that it’s fine. I also don’t like being told that I’m the fattiest fatty fat fat that ever lived and maybe if I just hit a gym (which I can’t afford, assholes) and stop eating (if I eat any less, it would be classified as an eating disorder, assholes) I would fix all of my life’s problems (you know what? Why don’t you quit your bad habit shit, assholes). I’m shit scared of never snapping out of it and accepting this in a healthy manner, because the last time I broke I tortured my body, and I was just fat enough that no one noticed. In fact, everyone complimented me on how awesome and disciplined I was! I am getting mixed messages every day, and the underlying voice is always telling me that I will never succeed.
Know why? Because when we get to the bare bones of this rambling overshare I shall call a blog post, who here REALLY believes that this is about being fat and not, oh, maybe about how I see myself? It’s one thing to let people in on the fact that there is nothing wrong with being fat (it’s just because people don’t like looking at it), it’s another to acknowledge that BEYOND the shaming, BEYOND the diet hounds, and BEYOND this shit-bag-uber-judgment society, there are some serious issues within some of us that need fixing first.
Without my family truly realizing it, I was raised to hate myself. I am always steps away from sliding back into an eating disorder. I always wonder if my uber hot husband will someday open his eyes and realize that he could be with a hotter woman. I dread my kids ending up in my position because that place of self loathing is so dark it cripples you. I feel crushed and beaten by life. There IS no telling me that I’m fine the way I am, because I am not fine and probably need some serious psychological help that I don’t even have the time or resources to seek out.
It would be great if the Diet Overlords would stop telling me what a fat ass I am, but it would also be great if the people who constantly tell me I’m fine to stop erasing my experience and my emotions. They are treating me like I am nothing but a silly girl, and nothing enrages me more.
My mother was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of years ago, likely because of a family predisposition than any poor lifestyle choices. But she still had to alter her diet and exercise as a result. And it was difficult for her to separate out the activities she was doing for real, specific, health concerns … and all the cultural messages that tell her that she’s morally “good” or “bad” as a result of those activities. I wish I had advice! But I really think personal health is one of those areas that, like abortion, has become politicized in a really unhelpful way. We feel free to judge peoples’ bodies and health choices or experiences without any inside knowledge of their lives. I don’t think women who are taking care of their physical selves should be shamed for being “bad feminists” for wanting to lose some weight (for health or, hell, even beauty reasons … we’re all human, and subject to cultural beauty expectations, even as we critique them). I think we should go on calling out the judging that goes on from folks who ascribe moral value to body type … but I also think in doing so, it’s important to give non-judgmental support to folks who are living within that culture (and who are living with the limitations of their own bodies) without that calling-out turning into its own kind of judging.
Oh gosh, I could have written this post word-for-word. And you put it all so eloquently. I’m sorry I have no advice, just commiseration.
(hugs)
I think you have to try to forgive your family. I would guess that they were talking from the exact same dark place where they hate their own bodies and are scared. Not that that makes it okay.
Amen. I could have written this exact post word for word. Fat in high school, lost 80 pounds, maintained most of the loss for 9 years, slowly regained back to my high school high. I’ve been reading FA sites for years and tried, oh have I ever tried, to realign my thinking and believe I was OK. Only to realize I was okay with other people’s bodies, but not my own, plus I’m about to enter the job market and the concurrent external judgment, so now I’m starting down the dieting path again. Sigh.
I agree – I envy the fat women who can accept themselves more than I envy the naturally-slim women. I wish I had that kind of bravery!
It’s really hard to say ‘well said’ about something so astonishingly painful. But it *is* well said (anything with the line “like crapping on my head and expecting me to call it a hat” couldn’t be anything else).
Some of the most powerful posts for me in the FA community are the ones where the Super Awesome Kick-Ass Women admit to feeling shitty about themselves – not because I want them to feel bad in the slightest, but because it helps me to feel like less of an imposter.
If you want it, I can offer my commiseration and my experience in trying to get to a better place of self-acceptance, but I DO NOT want to convey any message that you’re wrong to feel awful right now. This is how you feel, and too much of the affirmation-based stuff that I’ve waded through in trying to dispel self-hatred seeks to disavow that reality.
That said, here’s a thing that’s helped me: while I still have bad body image days, even on the shittiest it’s reassuring to know that the work I put into accepting myself is going towards something positive, even when I’m not feeling it in that moment. The work I previously put into trying (and failing) to make my body more palatable to others just kept feeding the self-hate.
I can really identify with what you’ve written, Marie Anelle. I don’t think the solution is to ignore or invalidate the deep pain many of us feel. I think the solution varies for each person.
My solution is therapy + mild activism. I see an amazing therapist (mentioned recently in my reply to another post here). She’s fat, too, and she listens to me and helps me evaluate the messages I tell myself about my body. She challenges me when I need to be challenged, and comforts and accepts me when I need to be comforted.
Sometimes the activism I do is private. I’ll purposefully re-imagine whatever movie I just saw, placing a fat woman as the romantic lead (and usually placing her opposite another woman, since I’m interested in mentally subverting heterosexist messages at the same time). I spend time looking through The Museum of Fat Love. I wear a pendant that looks like this goddess figure on days when I need extra strength.
And there are good days and bad days. But I also do my best to refuse to surround myself with people who contribute to the negativity I feel. There are people on my Facebook who I hide from my news feed because their body hatred is just too toxic and can derail me for the whole day. I’ve found that I’m less harsh on myself when others are less harsh on fat in general. Avoiding them doesn’t magically fix my own periodic self-loathing, but it does tend to reduce it.
I’ve shared your worry about partners who might “wake up” and leave one day. For a very long time, I was terrified that my ex was only with me because I had all these wonderful qualities he wanted but couldn’t find in a hot person. That he secretly wished he could be with the “hot version” me, but had to settle for the fat version. It has taken a lot of time, and a lot of therapy, and I’m not saying you should feel any certain way, but I’ve eventually decided… *I AM* the hot version. Me. In this body. With my squishy-ness and rolls and, well, fat. I don’t always feel like the hot version. Maybe not even half the time. But I’m excited about my ability to think it even 2% of the time.
I’m also helped in all of this by very supportive people. My therapist is fat and supportive. My ex is slightly chubby and incredibly supportive. He used to touch my stomach and tell me how much he loved the way it felt, how it looked. I was skeptical at first, but he backed it up with evidence. My mom, who is also fat, tells me every time she sees me that I’m beautiful, and she’s always sincere.
In the end, it’s a daily struggle. I think I’m winning. But it’s not as easy as magically waking up every morning and just “loving yourself” like so many people advise.
Anyway… thank you for writing this. I just wanted to echo your feelings and share my own experiences.
“Without my family truly realizing it, I was raised to hate myself.”
Amen to that. And amen to the whole, “aw, it’s okay, you’re fine the way you are” bullshit that completely erases your experience and leaves you feeling like you’re freaking out about nothing. I haven’t been through what you’ve been through, but this is exactly how I feel with my anxiety issues. Great post.
I think a lot of women must be living with this dichotomy: they know intellectually fat is not bad, but hate that they are fat (or fatter than we used to be).
I know I despise my own body even though I preach–and try to practice–acceptance of other people’s bodies. To the point where I avoid cameras and really really wish I could reinhabit the body I was in just five years ago.
It’s confusing and tiring. You’re among friends.
Marie Anelle, this is a great post. I was in a similar situation as you, right down to the ridiculous looking bras in 6th grade and eating disorder in high school and college. I never realized how my family essentially raised me to hate myself. I know many other women can relate.
It sucks and it’s hard to overcome family programming. And trust me, none of the uber confident, Fat Accepting, HAES advocates out there feels it 100% of the time. I suggest specifically searching out the posts by those advocates about not feeling it. Fat Lot of Good has several posts like that. I’ve got a couple on my site, Kate Harding and the Rotund have them, too.
Breaking the programming is the hardest thing ever, and no one escapes it entirely. I talk a good game about giving up dieting and loving myself, but I still ask my husband 50 times a day if he’s sure he still finds me sexy. I still fuss with my clothes constantly during the day, trying to make sure nothing bunches or wrinkles to create “extra” bulges. I still hate having sex with the lights on, because I don’t want to have to see my own body, let alone have him able to look at it.
I understand, and I wish I had a magic bullet for you and for me, and everyone else.
These are all wonderful and thoughtful comments and I echo geekgirlsrule (we do!) about the wish for a magic bullet.
Though it really did occur to me today that even if society accepted people of larger size and we all became shiny happy people holding hands, I would still be uncomfortable with myself.
Yes. I agree with a lot of the commenters, too. I have chronic physical issues that compound my issues. There is no magic bullet. It’s a daily struggle with frustration, disappointment, and sometimes despair.
What’s working for me right now to break out of those moments is recognizing that my body can DO THINGS. Even with my bad knees, I can still walk to a coffee shop or go dancing with friends. I also look at photos of myself friends of mine post online, because they’re of me and my friends having a GREAT time together, unselfconsciously. Those are my tricks for breaking the cycle of negativity in my head.
The thing that helps me the most is recognizing that this is something I have to do EVERY DAY, and while loving myself is getting easier, it’s taking a lot of practice, and I think I’ll be working on it for the rest of my life. Understanding that it’s a process was incredibly helpful. Which is not to say that there aren’t days where I feel crappy about myself. But I’m having more and more days where, if I don’t love my body, I at least don’t hate it.
I don’t know if that helps at all. I really hope it does.
I have to agree with Shadow Boxer, focussing on what your body can do, rather that what it looks like, helps me. Also cutting down on media intake. But I realize you’ve heard all this before. So, you know, hugs and empathy.
Sometimes, I have bad days, and really bad days (when the inside of my head pretty much looks like your post.) I got to the point where I was a wreck, an absolute wreck, and I’m a smart, funny, feminist woman with everything going for me otherwise. Finally I was like “OK. I am going to stop disrespecting you, body – I’m going to feed you well, and not get upset if/when you get bigger or whatever, because hey, you keep me alive. And when you are disrespectful to yourself, you’re disrespecting everyone who supports and believes in you, so cut it out.” Still, it’s very very hard, and a constant process. And then I’ll catch myself concern trolling or bodysnarking, and I’ve gotta repeat the process all over again.
(Anyways, I see you’re in Winnipeg from your other posts – I don’t get out that way often, but if you’re ever in Saskatoon, look me up, if you like. I kind of want to drive over there and give you a hug, but I don’t think my car would make it)
I juggle size issues and disability issues. Like others have said, I try and focus on what my body can still do. I try and focus on that over issues about my size.
I had always been a size 8/10, enjoyed my thin privilege, and then at 33 I had an ovary removed, subsequent rheumatoid arthritis flare thanks to the bodily trauma, and then 3 yrs of not being able to move much, and my body put on 50 lbs seemingly like magic.
I fluxuate up or down 10 lbs, but it doesn’t seem to come off. I’m not used to living like I’m a 16W/18 size. It’s been 6 years now, and I’ve had to come to some terms with it and stop hating my body, because frankly it can still do some pretty awesome stuff, like see, walk, have sex, sprawl on the sofa, sit on the floor (sometimes) with the kids, etc.
I guess I also don’t fit in the campa of HAES or fat-hating self. I’m somewhere in the middle.
Oh man, been there done that. For so many years, I never understood why people liked me, thought I was cute, thought I was smart, or thought anything good about me (ten years of therapy, off and on, helped with that). I’m fatter now than I’ve ever been, and I battle the body-hatred, maybe not every day, but often enough. Not often enough to want to diet again, or to have another WLS (the last one failed), or to do diet drugs again, but to wish that there was some “magic bullet” so I wouldn’t have to be so damned fat anymore (and dealing with fibromyalgia, arthritis, chronic pain issues, etc doesn’t make it any easier).
Intellectually, I know there’s nothing wrong with being fat, it’s just another body type, but emotionally, it sucks dirty ditchwater sometimes (and that’s even with the numbers that doctors look at the most being good for me). Most days I can deal with it, but when the pain is especially bad, or when my dr tells me I just need to lose weight and all my problems will disappear, those are the days I want to crawl into a hole and pull the opening in after me.
I don’t know if it ever gets any better, or if we just learn to deal with it/ignore it better……………
@Marie Anelle – I caught up recently with a friend who has 3 kids under 6, who told me her MIL said several negative things about her weight.
I was outraged – and I didn’t understand why another person would say those things to my friend who: is a great parent to her 3 kids; is able to physically do the things that she needs to do to be able to grow up her kids happy and healthy; and, also doesn’t need the spurious concern trolling. The focus on weight doesn’t make sense to me.
Not having given birth to kids myself, I understand that there seems to be extra pressure on birth mothers to be thin quickly after giving birth. Given that parent/s have a huge responsibility in caring for kid/s I don’t get why there’s extra pressure on birth mothers to also lose weight, quickly.
I hope that you find a way to become comfortable in your own body, and that becoming more comfortable in your body permeates in your life.
“I feel crushed and beaten by life. There IS no telling me that I’m fine the way I am, because I am not fine and probably need some serious psychological help that I don’t even have the time or resources to seek out.”
Is there any possible way to insist on some time? I know this is going to sound trite, but I’ll say it anyways: you deserve the time to take care of your mental and emotional health. It doesn’t have to be therapy if you don’t have the desire or resources for it. Is there anything you enjoy doing so much that when you’re engaged in it the cares of the world fade away? Maybe a hobby or activity you gave up when life got too jam-packed? If so, can you find any way to incorporate that back into your life on a regular basis?
I ask because, while our situations are not analogous, I too wound up with a fuck load of body hatred and an eating disorder. In reality, what I hated about myself was much greater than the sum of my physical parts; I just focused all of that hatred onto my body because it was something I thought I could control, whereas I felt like all of the other things I hated about myself were beyond my control. And then when I couldn’t even control my body in the way I wanted to it added to the hatred which made me double down on the body-centered hatred. Lather, rinse, repeat.
It helped me to insist on the time to do “frivolous” things that made me happy, even if they took away from the “more important” things in life like school, career, taking care of others’ needs, etc. (Eventually I even got over the guilt this caused!) It was like a tiny shot of empowerment to insist that my own pleasure was important enough to carve out time in an over-burdened schedule, an affirmation to myself that I was worth something. It’s a small thing – certainly no magic bullet. But I think it helped me.
Anyways, I apologize if this comment is more projection than helpful. My heart goes out to you.
I… are you… me? Other than the Rugby this sounds exactly *exactly* like me. I actually have managed to mostly accept my body (we all have our dark days) but otherwise this sounds like me to the T just a few months ago (before I got into the FA movement).
Even if it doesn’t fix your body issues, you can still work to get healthier (as you already know) with diet changes and exercise.. so at least that’s one less thing hanging over your head.
Since you say you can’t seek psychological help then I’ll just say that I hope, one day, you can come to terms with your body and even learn to love it. Growing up with abuse should never be dismissed and people who didn’t have it will never *ever* understand what it does to you. (worse are the people who are the “i did it, why can’t you!?” people who don’t seem to realize your’e an entirely different fucking human being and not their clone).
Good luck.. and much love.
It helps me to remember that when someone who loves me is fat-shamey, it’s more about them than me. Of course, it took therapy to get to that point.
My husband can be kind of body policing, and it took me a while to realize he was only pointing out my extra weight when he was freaking out about his own extra weight. Once I recognized that, it was easier to avoid the way he had been making me feel. And once I started calling him on it, I think he could be a little more honest to himself about his own body image issues.
The relationship between pregnancy and weight and society is just screwed up, and I don’t think it’s fixable. I had hyperemesis (severe morning sickness) with my son and lost almost twenty pounds before I ever gained an ounce. And people complimented me. For losing weight while pregnant. People could stand in the bathroom at work, listening to me throw up for the fifth time that day, all stressed out because I was afraid I was malnourishing my fetus, and they would cheerfully tell me how great I looked when I came out of my stall. I’ve never gotten over the rage.
“…it’s more about them than me.” BING-O, Av0gadro! Once I really got this, too, everything became so much easier for me. Bonus: It applies in pretty much every area of life, as well.
I’ve always been lucky to have people in my family and friends who support me, whether I’m big or, uh, in my case, less big. :O) If you don’t have that: find it. You can. When I have to deal with people who try to trouble me about my weight, I pretty much freeze them out, unless I think they truly don’t know how what they’re saying is affecting me. This happens sometimes, but more often than not, it’s some kind of creepy power play. “I’m better than you because I’m thinner than you!” ” I’m bitter that you got the promotion, so I’m gonna remind you that you’re still a fatty!” Good f-in’ riddance. Really.
Regarding my own feelings about my weight: Using the “Inner Parent” method, i.e., How would I treat my child in this situation? feels kind of ridiculous, but works WONDERS. If I decide to try to lose weight/eat better, remembering that it’s a process, and I get to screw up, and I don’t have to reach my end goal tomorrow. Remembering that we re-assure smokers by telling them the average person takes eight tries before they are successful in quitting. We tell those with diabetes to treat themselves right/follow their program their whole lives. YOU get the same kind treatment as well. (BTW, I feel we are moving in that direction as a culture and it’s so great.)
Good luck. You’re not alone! :O)
Thank you so so much for writing this. I think, in an effort to combat the poisonous messages about the “deathfat” the FA movement sometimes (understandably) lacks the complexity of the day to day lives of fat folks.
I made the very very conscious decision at 16 that I would love my body. I am now several sizes higher than I was then, but I’m still usually able to love this bag of bones I’m in. I am so lucky in this. It is the thing I cling to the most when it comes to all the horrific things I am being told about how I “should” feel about my body.
My biggest problem? Where in the world do you find good information on how to eat in a healthy manner that isn’t drenched in fat hating language that assumes I must hate myself? That doesn’t tell me the only way I can *really* be happy as who I am if I’m thinner? I had poor role models for cooking and eating growing up. An anxiety issue found food as the best way to manifest itself. Why isn’t there anything out there (that I’ve found) to teach healthy eating that doesn’t also try to shame the fat off of me?
As a very wise friend said to me: You can’t hate the fat away, and shame never made anybody skinny.
Susan-
I commiserate- it is nearly impossible to go to any article or source about food without body hate being spewed at you.
I also didn’t have the best nutritional role models growing up. While I haven’t found a single great source for info, I’ve pieced together my own guide on nutrition- I try to eat as much fresh fruits and vegetables as I can, and then try and eat as many home-cooked meals as I can too. With home-cooked meals I try and fit as many food groups, with emphasis on vegetables and complex carbohydrates- limiting sugars and fats (though butter makes everything taste better and isn’t bad for you as far as I can tell as long as it isn’t in ridiculous amounts). I was never taught how to cook so I got the Better Homes and Gardens cook-book and just pick out recipes that sound good. Most recipes are healthy, affordable, and easy to make and they don’t include dieting tips or other non-sense.
Also, a good place to look for nutrition info is on diabetic websites (though I have come across pleas to lose weight on those sites, they usually don’t infect the areas where they specifically tell you how to eat). Eating as if you have diabetes is pretty much one of the healthiest ways of eating- it’s basically moderation with lots of healthy foods and not to many simple sugars.
I gained a lot of weight once I got on some hormone pills (about 50 pounds). Which even my doctor found odd because I was still exercising and (at the time) I was vegan so it wasn’t as if I were a drone of McDonald’s or anything. Often times I find in the FA community is that people are afraid to admit that, they are fine being fat but that perhaps would like to lose some weight OR that they are fat and would like to start exercising. Not to lose weight, but because exercise is healthy for us. At the end of the day, we must do what makes us happy and not others. Screw what other people have to say whether they are thin OR fat. You gotta do you, boo. You gotta do you.
“It would be great if the Diet Overlords would stop telling me what a fat ass I am, but it would also be great if the people who constantly tell me I’m fine to stop erasing my experience and my emotions.”
…I hear you. The way I see it (and blog about it) is that you have every right to feel shitty about past and present issues, but the fact that you are worthy of love, happiness and acceptance the way you are right now is still true. Even if it is sometimes damn hard to accept and believe.
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I’ll be honest with you.
I am fat too. I feel like this a lot, even though I know that I am doing all the “right” things. To some extent, I wish I *wasn’t* doing all the “right things” because what’s worse, being (Fatty #1) because you’re snarfing cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes and sitting around in front of the TV all day or being (Fatty #2) even if you’re exercising, watching what you eat and how much and otherwise being extremely conscious about your health?
People just assume that you are “Fatty #1″ regardless.
I have several health problems that make weight loss nearly impossible and weight gain easy as pie (mmm pie, haha), but even after all that, I get plenty of pressure from family to lose weight. It’s especially bad because my mom is maybe 100 pounds and my sister and brother and father are all relatively trim and athletic looking. I look like the fat sheep of the family.
The best way that I have found to enjoy myself regardless of my weight is the following:
1) Throw away the scale (no seriously, you don’t need one).
2) Exercise when it makes you feel GOOD. Don’t do it as punishment, don’t frame it as your chore, only do aerobic movement that brings you joy-joy from using your body.
3) Don’t watch commercials (and, if you have the chance, get rid of your network/cable TV). I use Netflix and I love many shows and movies, but it’s so much easier to control and filter what I want to see instead of constantly having stuff put on the TV that I go “well, nothing else is on so I guess I’ll watch it.”
4) Get rid of beauty/women’s magazines. If you really need to know sex tips, you can always google it. Sexy celebrity gossip doesn’t have to come at the price of the “lose 100 pounds in a week” spread on the next page. If you really want to keep up with certain “women’s” things without having to deal with the heavy serving of fat-hatred, the best way is to get your articles that you directly want to read and, once again, not get into the “well I’ve read everything else so I guess I’ll read this too…” state of mind.
5) Figure out things that you like and emphasize them. I have great legs from bicycling and I have amazing boobs and great coloring in my cheeks. I found a rocking hairstyle (the detached sharp A-line) that makes me look super cute, and I wear clothes that emphasize what I like about myself. It makes me feel sexy and when I feel sexy, I walk sexy, I hold my head up, I exude confidence. When I do these things, I don’t need to lose a pound and I’ve become 100% more attractive.
6) Get clothes that look good on you. I can’t stress this enough. Don’t just go for clothes that “fit”. Go for clothes that fit WELL, even if you have to alter them a little bit. Even on a budget, craigslist and thrift stores can be great places to find clothes that look good for less. If you’re striking out in your town, go to the thrift stores in a “rich” area and you will often find stuff with the tags still on them.
7) Give and you shall receive…compliments. When you feel crappy about yourself, you’re going to feel crappy and want validation from others. But most people are in the same boat as you are. They are just waiting around for someone to notice their new hairstyle or their new earrings or their interesting tattoo. If you give someone a compliment, they will be more likely to give you one back and tell you what they like about you. Most of us think that others already know what they’ve got going for them, but this is not true at all. We are all our harshest critics, and unfortunately it can be hard to look past that mean voice in your head to see all the great things you have going for you.
8) Touch your body in nice ways. Run your hands on your body and be like a scientist-try and figure out how it feels in an objective way. How soft is your skin? Where does it curve? Where is your body the most sensitive? By learning areas on your body that you enjoy feeling touched, it can help release endorphins which will make you more comfortable about those areas being touched and in general it can help you deal with some of your body dysmorphic problems (ie: the body you see in the mirror is often different than the body you touch because you are using two different senses to judge the same thing).
Once again, I have terrible days where I want to hide under the covers and never let daylight touch my face again (I know, how dramatic, right?) but generally, I am happy with my life, and I am happy with what is in my life.
We as humans have a habit of taking all our problems and focusing them into one thing. Often we heap problems or neuroses onto our “fat problem” that have nothing to do with our size, and that can be important to explore as well.
I hope health and happiness for you and I am sorry I droned on so long! Remember, loving yourself is a process, just like every other process. And everyone gets annoyed at people they love from time to time. Be kind to yourself.
#1 – your husband knows what you look like naked, and he loves you still.
#2 – your children already have a much different life than you did as a child, I’m guessing you do not treat them the way you were treated. Like you said, you were taught to hate yourself. Your kids will have a much different education from you.
For me it took the Goddess, therapy, recreational drugs, a loving spouse and really good friends.
You may not be willing or able to afford 2 of those, so perhaps just opening your heart to the fact that you are loved. And you deserve to be loved.
That became my mantra for a whole year. Slowly but shirley, it’s working. Picturing myself as a fertility goddess helped too.
You are loved, and you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be able to love yourself.
You are an amazing being. You can bring life into the world. You have a talent with the written word. You can touch other people with your use of language. You are one of the five most charming and vivacious women on the internet!
Please forgive if my tone is too preachy or too ‘you should do this…’ I have felt similar feelings, and I hope you can see how awesome you are. It’s clear to me that you are loved and liked by many people.
Blessed be