I am fat too. I feel like this a lot, even though I know that I am doing all the “right” things. To some extent, I wish I *wasn’t* doing all the “right things” because what’s worse, being (Fatty #1) because you’re snarfing cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes and sitting around in front of the TV all day or being (Fatty #2) even if you’re exercising, watching what you eat and how much and otherwise being extremely conscious about your health?

People just assume that you are “Fatty #1″ regardless.

I have several health problems that make weight loss nearly impossible and weight gain easy as pie (mmm pie, haha), but even after all that, I get plenty of pressure from family to lose weight. It’s especially bad because my mom is maybe 100 pounds and my sister and brother and father are all relatively trim and athletic looking. I look like the fat sheep of the family.

The best way that I have found to enjoy myself regardless of my weight is the following:

1) Throw away the scale (no seriously, you don’t need one).

2) Exercise when it makes you feel GOOD. Don’t do it as punishment, don’t frame it as your chore, only do aerobic movement that brings you joy-joy from using your body.

3) Don’t watch commercials (and, if you have the chance, get rid of your network/cable TV). I use Netflix and I love many shows and movies, but it’s so much easier to control and filter what I want to see instead of constantly having stuff put on the TV that I go “well, nothing else is on so I guess I’ll watch it.”

4) Get rid of beauty/women’s magazines. If you really need to know sex tips, you can always google it. Sexy celebrity gossip doesn’t have to come at the price of the “lose 100 pounds in a week” spread on the next page. If you really want to keep up with certain “women’s” things without having to deal with the heavy serving of fat-hatred, the best way is to get your articles that you directly want to read and, once again, not get into the “well I’ve read everything else so I guess I’ll read this too…” state of mind.

5) Figure out things that you like and emphasize them. I have great legs from bicycling and I have amazing boobs and great coloring in my cheeks. I found a rocking hairstyle (the detached sharp A-line) that makes me look super cute, and I wear clothes that emphasize what I like about myself. It makes me feel sexy and when I feel sexy, I walk sexy, I hold my head up, I exude confidence. When I do these things, I don’t need to lose a pound and I’ve become 100% more attractive.

6) Get clothes that look good on you. I can’t stress this enough. Don’t just go for clothes that “fit”. Go for clothes that fit WELL, even if you have to alter them a little bit. Even on a budget, craigslist and thrift stores can be great places to find clothes that look good for less. If you’re striking out in your town, go to the thrift stores in a “rich” area and you will often find stuff with the tags still on them.

7) Give and you shall receive…compliments. When you feel crappy about yourself, you’re going to feel crappy and want validation from others. But most people are in the same boat as you are. They are just waiting around for someone to notice their new hairstyle or their new earrings or their interesting tattoo. If you give someone a compliment, they will be more likely to give you one back and tell you what they like about you. Most of us think that others already know what they’ve got going for them, but this is not true at all. We are all our harshest critics, and unfortunately it can be hard to look past that mean voice in your head to see all the great things you have going for you.

8) Touch your body in nice ways. Run your hands on your body and be like a scientist-try and figure out how it feels in an objective way. How soft is your skin? Where does it curve? Where is your body the most sensitive? By learning areas on your body that you enjoy feeling touched, it can help release endorphins which will make you more comfortable about those areas being touched and in general it can help you deal with some of your body dysmorphic problems (ie: the body you see in the mirror is often different than the body you touch because you are using two different senses to judge the same thing).

Once again, I have terrible days where I want to hide under the covers and never let daylight touch my face again (I know, how dramatic, right?) but generally, I am happy with my life, and I am happy with what is in my life.

We as humans have a habit of taking all our problems and focusing them into one thing. Often we heap problems or neuroses onto our “fat problem” that have nothing to do with our size, and that can be important to explore as well.

I hope health and happiness for you and I am sorry I droned on so long! Remember, loving yourself is a process, just like every other process. And everyone gets annoyed at people they love from time to time. Be kind to yourself.

…I hear you. The way I see it (and blog about it) is that you have every right to feel shitty about past and present issues, but the fact that you are worthy of love, happiness and acceptance the way you are right now is still true. Even if it is sometimes damn hard to accept and believe.

I made the very very conscious decision at 16 that I would love my body. I am now several sizes higher than I was then, but I’m still usually able to love this bag of bones I’m in. I am so lucky in this. It is the thing I cling to the most when it comes to all the horrific things I am being told about how I “should” feel about my body.

My biggest problem? Where in the world do you find good information on how to eat in a healthy manner that isn’t drenched in fat hating language that assumes I must hate myself? That doesn’t tell me the only way I can *really* be happy as who I am if I’m thinner? I had poor role models for cooking and eating growing up. An anxiety issue found food as the best way to manifest itself. Why isn’t there anything out there (that I’ve found) to teach healthy eating that doesn’t also try to shame the fat off of me?

As a very wise friend said to me: You can’t hate the fat away, and shame never made anybody skinny.

I’ve always been lucky to have people in my family and friends who support me, whether I’m big or, uh, in my case, less big. :O) If you don’t have that: find it. You can. When I have to deal with people who try to trouble me about my weight, I pretty much freeze them out, unless I think they truly don’t know how what they’re saying is affecting me. This happens sometimes, but more often than not, it’s some kind of creepy power play. “I’m better than you because I’m thinner than you!” ” I’m bitter that you got the promotion, so I’m gonna remind you that you’re still a fatty!” Good f-in’ riddance. Really.

Regarding my own feelings about my weight: Using the “Inner Parent” method, i.e., How would I treat my child in this situation? feels kind of ridiculous, but works WONDERS. If I decide to try to lose weight/eat better, remembering that it’s a process, and I get to screw up, and I don’t have to reach my end goal tomorrow. Remembering that we re-assure smokers by telling them the average person takes eight tries before they are successful in quitting. We tell those with diabetes to treat themselves right/follow their program their whole lives. YOU get the same kind treatment as well. (BTW, I feel we are moving in that direction as a culture and it’s so great.)

Good luck. You’re not alone! :O)

My husband can be kind of body policing, and it took me a while to realize he was only pointing out my extra weight when he was freaking out about his own extra weight. Once I recognized that, it was easier to avoid the way he had been making me feel. And once I started calling him on it, I think he could be a little more honest to himself about his own body image issues.

The relationship between pregnancy and weight and society is just screwed up, and I don’t think it’s fixable. I had hyperemesis (severe morning sickness) with my son and lost almost twenty pounds before I ever gained an ounce. And people complimented me. For losing weight while pregnant. People could stand in the bathroom at work, listening to me throw up for the fifth time that day, all stressed out because I was afraid I was malnourishing my fetus, and they would cheerfully tell me how great I looked when I came out of my stall. I’ve never gotten over the rage.

Even if it doesn’t fix your body issues, you can still work to get healthier (as you already know) with diet changes and exercise.. so at least that’s one less thing hanging over your head.

Since you say you can’t seek psychological help then I’ll just say that I hope, one day, you can come to terms with your body and even learn to love it. Growing up with abuse should never be dismissed and people who didn’t have it will never *ever* understand what it does to you. (worse are the people who are the “i did it, why can’t you!?” people who don’t seem to realize your’e an entirely different fucking human being and not their clone).

Good luck.. and much love.