Don't look this this? You must be a SELFISH MOTHER!!
To all the UNSELFISH MOMS out there who traded sleep for dark circles, salon haircuts for ponytails, long showers for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags & WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING. Lets see how many Moms can actually post this. Moms who DON’ T CARE about what they gave up and instead, LOVE what they got in return! Post this if you LOVE your LIFE as a mom ♥
There’s also a variation that has the last line reading “Post this if the best thing is being a mom” or something to that effect. Normally this would just make me roll my eyes and move on…but perfectly reasonable friends of mine are posting this stuff, and it boggles my brain that some of the smartest women I know are implying that it’s healthy to shelve yourself for motherhood.
Shall I deconstruct this one bit at a time?
“To all the UNSELFISH MOMS out there “
Okay, so already we’re starting on a condescending tone. This is fantastic. The nice emphasis on caps giving that air of holier-than-thou bullshit just makes the rest a goldmine.
“ who traded sleep for dark circles”
Unless you have a partner who parents with you equally. Especially after the birth of G and before he got a job, my hubster slept all day to make sure he could stay up all night….and I could sleep. Still had dark circles, but I didn’t trade sleep. Selfish? No. I have a functional relationship. Now that he works, I do get up, but he does this nifty thing where he takes over and helps me when he gets home. It’s an equal partnership, hardly selfish.
But what about the moms who don’t HAVE that luxury? They HAVE to trade in sleep for dark circles? Maybe even trade in education for a McJob to provide for her kids? Or the women who ARE in relationships but the dude’s a douche who’s tiiiiired after woooork and he doesn’t wanna discpliiiiiine otherwise the kids won’t looooooove him because he’s never aroooouuuund because of his careeeeeeer?!
Yeah, thanks for reminding them how “unselfish” their sacrifice happens to be.
“salon haircuts for ponytails”
What does this even mean?! Again, some women can’t even afford salon cuts and are probably loving the reminder of their lack of options. For the moms who can, is it really your business? Personally, I love my salon cut hair. It cuts the 5 minutes of my day that it takes to put INTO an effective enough pony tail to last the day. I can get up and go, I’m not so SELFISH THAT I NEED TO TAKE TIME AWAY FROM MY KIDS TO MAKE A PONY TAIL OMG HOW DARE YOU!!! Yeah, that line sounds JUST as ridiculous as the one in the status, doesn’t it?
“long showers for quick showers”
Again, this is ridiculous. Wanna know the secret to long showers in parenthood? Lean in a little closer…….wait til the kids are sleeping. They’ll be fine for half an hour, you don’t need to be latched onto their sides. OR if you have the luxury of a partner who is also not a douche, asking “hey, can you take care of the kids? I want a long hot shower” is SUPER effective.
“late nights for early mornings”
Some people can do both too. I have a lot of late nights and still get up with G from Monday-Friday (and sometimes saturday). Otherwise, hubster will relieve me of waking up and let me sleep, because he also can raise the kids. It’s not just me here. Though, what about the single moms who work late nights and have to do early mornings? Way to erase people.
“designer bags for diaper bags”
This made me lol. Most moms can’t afford designer bags to begin with. Those who can, it’s their business. Or how about if your designer bag can double as a diaper bag? Or if your diaper bag IS a designer bag? Classist on all spectrums and ridiculous.
“Lets see how many Moms can actually post this.”
All moms CAN post it, doesn’t mean they WILL. Though I imagine that the moms who post this have mysteriously bought into this idea that motherhood is all about giving up every single thing you like and want.
“Moms who DON’ T CARE about what they gave up and instead, LOVE what they got in return! “
Because teaching your kids that your individuality doesn’t matter is SO HEALTHY. Because refusing to acknowledge that some women do NOT have any choices in this matter makes this such a superior lifestyle. Because SHAMING women who do sleep at night, take long showers, stay up at night and buy nice things is helping us at all. I love my kids, I love raising my kids, and I love raising them while still having a life.
“Post this if you LOVE your LIFE as a mom”
Precisely why I WON’T post this. I love my life as me, being a mom is just a part of it. This part and the whole “being a mom is the best thing ever!!” burns me the most. Motherhood has not, and will never, define me. It’s more like a career aspect. It’s what I do, it’s a qualification, not my identity. Nor is it the best thing ever. For moms who are alone in raising their kids with very little support and have to make REAL sacrifices it is not the best thing ever. For moms who have a partner but still feel alone, whether they have to balance career or stay at home, this is not the best thing ever.
Hell, let’s be realistic. Parenting is both overblown and thankless. It’s not the greatest thing you will ever accomplish in your life. It’s also a lot of headaches, repetition, bad days, etc for good moments. It is work. It’s the trenches of bringing up a life that you’re responsible for. When I hear the “best thing ever”, I think of swimming at a quiet beach, making love to by husband, a perfectly seared Châteaubriand served with buttery potatoes and peppery steamed veggies, I think of maple pie…..best things ever give you joy 100% of the time.
Parenthood. Doesn’t. Do. That. It’s great and all, I do love my kids, I wouldn’t change a thing about having them, but raising them is not the best thing ever and sometimes….I don’t love it. I know moms would read this and would LOVE to tear me apart over that, but guess what, I would rather be grounded in reality and called a shitty mom by those types than be kidding myself and shaming other women.
So I propose a new status:
To all those moms who DIDN’T sacrifice sleep, hot showers, or nice things, that doesn’t make you less of a mom and don’t let anyone imply that you are a selfish person. Showing your kids, especially the girls, that you can be more than one thing is the best gift you can give them. To the moms who DON’T have the choice and make REAL sacrifices like time with your kids, education and personal goals because of their situation without feeling the need to belittle other women’s options, YOU are the real meaning of an UNSELFISH MOTHER.
::standing ovation::
I love how motherhood is always phrased as an either/or proposition. You either do THIS or you’re selfish. You do that OR you’re a bad mother.
You’ll never see this kind of simultaneously defensive/shaming FB status on men’s pages. Because however many sacrifices and adjustments they make for their children, they’re never be forced to constantly defend their choices/lifestyle/identity the way a mother is, or be pitted against other fathers to see who can be the most saintly and self-sacrificing.
Well said. I’m sick of hearing about how Motherhood will ruin my life in the same sentence that’s telling me how wonderful it is.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by marieanelle, Pursuit of Harpyness. Pursuit of Harpyness said: The Martyr Mom Syndrome: Officially Invading Facebook http://bit.ly/eEgETq [...]
Geez, person who came up with that status message: defensive much?
Suffering (or “suffering”) does not correlate to effective parenting, for Pete’s sake. And if that’s why you had kids, you’re all in deep trouble. If you just want to say that you’re tired and miss being able to pamper yourself, fine, go ahead and say it. Everyone should know that parenting, especially with young kids, is exhausting and draining. Entering the sainthood sweepstakes doesn’t help anyone.
I am a true fan of RANDOM capitalization to make MY point but that is the WORST use of it I have EVER seen. It’s also just plain stupid. Really, as if all us SELFISH mothers are going to suddenly realize we’re not appreciating our children enough just because we like sleeping in. Thanks Facebook!
“Motherhood has not, and will never, define me.”
a fucking men
“I love how motherhood is always phrased as an either/or proposition. You either do THIS or you’re selfish. You do that OR you’re a bad mother.”
It makes me very sad that this is the case. I understand that my mother shouldn’t have had kids–she didn’t really want us, she wanted a career and a life without the responsibilities of children, or at least she did when she was 25 (when she had her first of three). And I’ve tried to express this to her in not so many words. I understand that she sacrificed everything for her kids; not because she was this kind of idealized mother that FB statuses want us to believe actually exists, but because she had to literally sacrifice her sense of self in order to have kids: merely having kids did that to her. But she didn’t actually want to, so her whole life has been a terrible split between genuinely loving her kids and wishing (but never admitting it to herself) that she hadn’t ever had us. She had to sacrifice everything, but she was willing to sacrifice nothing, so she ended up being emotionally and at times physically abusive.
I think I’m the only one in our family who understands this. My brother (oaf that he is) certainly doesn’t, and my sister’s still bitter about all the abuse. But my mom didn’t know that she didn’t want kids–she was raised in an extremely conservative home in which having kids in the first year of marriage was automatically assumed. And she was even on BCP, but got pregnant accidentally, and is rigidly and unforgivingly anti-abortion, an inflexibility largely stemming, at this point, I think, from the belief that when she got pregnant she had to have her kid so everyone who gets pregnant should have to do what she did. And even if she didn’t want my brother, she did and does really love him.
She gets angry when I start to hint or suggest these things. She thinks that saying that she didn’t want kids and perhaps shouldn’t have had them so young, means that I think she didn’t love us, didn’t sacrifice for us. She’s convinced that she sacrificed everything, when really her refusal to adjust her mentality (as opposed to her lifestyle, which changed dramatically) was probably the thing that led her to have three totally fucked up kids. I wish that she would listen to me long enough for me to explain that I can see that things are complicated; that she loved us even if she didn’t want us; that she was as good a parent as she could be even if she didn’t want to be; that it wasn’t her fault that she had kids and it wasn’t her fault that she didn’t want us. The pressure our culture puts on mothers and women who might become mothers is fucking insane. I wish that she could see that my turn to radical feminism was the best thing that could have happened to our relationship, because it really made me understand what she must have gone through when she was my age.
Right on! Being a mother and primary caregiver has been an extremely conflicting and complicated experience for me. Before I had kids everyone talked only about how magical and rewarding it is (not that I believed them). Now I can sometimes get folks to commiserate with me about how tough it can be–only if I bring it up first, of course.
@Cimorene
I am truly sorry about what you have gone through and that your mother is having trouble coming to terms with the way her life went. Sometimes I feel the same way and I found that acknowledging my feelings and treating them as valid does not minimize my tiny humans. It has made me more grounded and better capable of handling the harder times.
I think if there was a more open dialogue surrounding the dredges of motherhood, there would be less issues. It doesn’t hurt for us to be honest about parenthood, it hurts to pretend like it’s the greatest thing that you could possibly accomplish. I’m sorry, but giving birth is something any able bodied, fertile, cis female can do…graduating college with an A is not.
Thanks for this.
As someone who was sort of on the fence about having a family, and then did it and figured out that I probably shouldn’t have, I found out quickly that it is not permissible to admit that you don’t find motherhood to be the best, most rewarding thing ever. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but I gave up everything I loved about my life in order to have her, and not a day has passed since her birth that I haven’t regretted that decision. Obviously, I’m never going to tell HER that (at least not in those words), but feeling like I made a mistake does not make me a bad mother. It is possible to hold more than one thought in your head at once about a particular situation.
Cimorene, I’m sorry that you had/have to endure your mother’s abuse. You didn’t deserve that, even if you now understand where it came from. I hope that someday she will appreciate how lucky she is to have a daughter like you.
Don’t you all think that there’s a strong subtext of resentment and anger in that message? What did the woman who wrote it think that parenting was going to be? Young children are messy, inconvenient, unreasonable, demanding, and exhausting. Did you expect something different? So why do you feel that you should be rewarded and praised for doing exactly what parents have always had to do and will always have to do?
We have kids for our own, sometimes selfish reasons. We want to perpetuate our family lines, or we want someone who will love us unconditionally (ever met a teenager? hahahaha), or we want someone who will take care of us in our old age-or we just want to be have a family of our own. So let’s be honest about just how “unselfish” we’re being. Those of us who have the choice about having kids are performing what may be the most stunning act of hubris we can imagine-bringing a new human being to life. If anyone deserves recognition, it’s our kids, for managing by and large to grow up functional and emotionally stable despite our flaws and mistakes. Just ask my kids-they’ll tell you, and they’ll be right.
Love this post, MA.
The equation of suffering with worthy womanhood has got to go. And the idea that not only must you suffer, you’ve got to LOVE and EMBRACE your suffering? That is some seriously fucked-up enculturation. You can adore your children without adoring the sacrifices you make on their behalf.
ETA: lialife, that is one of the things I have always most admired about you. You’ve been a mom almost as long as I’ve known you (and y’all, her kids are so beautiful, seriously), but mom-ing was one of about 10 things that you did that was interesting and valuable, and while your affection for them is clear, you’ve never stopped doing new interesting and valuable things. You’ve got to have an amazing sense of self, and healthy boundaries, and an appetite for the world to pull that off.
I’ve seen that facebook status a couple of times, and only just now realized the irony of the SELFLESS, SACRIFICING MOM…. who still finds time to facebook.
Sorry, MOMS, but if it comes down to the hot shower/salon haircut/designer bag or facebook, well, I’m not taking facebook!
To be honest, this idea that in order to become a parent you basically give up your selfhood completely terrifies me and is one of the major reasons that I’m not certain I ever want children. Like, if that’s what you’re into, then fine, but as someone without children, I find it to be…kind of sick, honestly. I don’t think that that’s the only way to be a parent, or even to be a stay-at-home parent or primary caregiver (MM, for example, was a SAHM for most of my childhood but did more charity/political work than some people I know who work full-time for nonprofits, in addition to having a daily 2-hour nap). But I find it really disturbing that that particular model of totally subsuming oneself in one’s offspring is glorified.
@MM – Awww, I think you deserve recognition! For being awesome. ^_^
@baraqiel
For what it’s worth, I didn’t give up a single thing that I love and my kids are fine. Dare I say that K has more individuality and personality packed into her pinky finger than most kids her age in their whole selves because I put an emphasis on self instead of martyrdom.
@baraqiel: *hugs!*
@MA: Not only that, but being involved with non-mom stuff gives the kids all kinds of experiences. We took our kids to all kinds of stuff as they were growing up,and they got to do all kinds of stuff, from driving golf carts at an AIDS walk to appearing on stage at a rally for John Kerry to making a Miriam’s Cup and decorations for our sukkah with my Jewish feminist group.
Parenthood is only martyrdom if you make it that way.
I find stuff like this FB status to be emblematic of the great cultural push to teach women the *right* way to behave. And quite frankly, it annoys the crap out of me.
It’s Mommy Wars on the marquee again.
How about my variation??
To all those women who DIDN’T sacrifice sleep, hot showers, or nice things, that doesn’t make you less of a woman – Because you want to sleep in- Because you want to stay out late- Because movie and dinner out is more fun than a PTA meeting-Because buying handbags and shoes is more fun than buying strollers and diapers- One word: Episiotomy- If you were up last night at 4am, it’s your own damn fault- I LOVE my life as a “Selfish” Non-Parent!
[...] it seems that facebook is this century’s more efficient chain letter factory. Where you find gems like this: To all the UNSELFISH MOMS out there who traded sleep for dark circles, salon haircuts for [...]
[...] it seems that facebook is this century’s more efficient chain letter factory. Where you find gems like this: To all the UNSELFISH MOMS out there who traded sleep for dark circles, salon haircuts for [...]
I really hate things like this Facebook status. My friends put stuff up like this all the time and I just find it irritating. I never re- post, just like I never re- send chain e-mails.
Plus, I don’t feel like I really sacrificed anything to have my kids. We didn’t really have anything too sacrifice (materially at least) when our first was born. Now I get to spend all day exploring cool places with them. The absolute best time to visit museums, theme parks or any other major attraction is during regular business hours when everyone else is at work! Sometimes I joke that the kids are just an excuse for me to get to do what I want with my day instead of having to work.
I’ll add my vote to the voices of those who’ve already pointed out that the original FB status seems super-defensive. It sounds like the sort of hysterical rationalization that happens when someone is in a shitty/abusive situation and wants to spin it as a positive. Akin to, “he hits me because he cares so much!”
The fact that so many mothers (and it is absolutely gendered, as folks have already pointed out!) feel the need to articulate their experience this way is deeply disturbing to me. It seems like a collective denial of all the critical analysis that happened during the 1970s-era feminist movement concerning the “mystique” of motherhood as one’s sole vocation and means of establishing a valued identity.
First, I HATE Facebook memes. I just hate them. Deeply. They’re stupid, mean nothing, and I don’t care. If you want to update your status, update your status. If you love your sibling/spouse/parent/child/cousin/dogwalker, say so in your own damn words. No status update can cure or really raise awareness of cancer/diabetes/autism/humorlessness. HATE.
More on the topic of motherhood. More than one person told me, when I was pregnant with my son, that my life was really beginning. Which was horrifying, because I was 27 with a degree in chemistry, a loving family, and a significant amount of travel under my belt. And I find that now, with a boy who turns 4 next week and a baby, I mostly think of this phase of parenthood as a break from my life. This is a little subset of time while I stay home with my small people and yeah, sleep less than I should. Once they’re older, I’ll devote my time to getting my business off the ground, using the profits to fund our family’s world travel (my husband is campaigning for the Belgian breweries, I’m thinking Africa), and having the focus to read slightly more complicated books (I had to put down People’s History of the Supreme Court while I was pregnant with J because I couldn’t focus for more than two pages. I have yet to pick it up again.) Cause that’s who I am. I’m a chef who likes to read and travel. Sure, I’m currently the primary caretaker to two little bundles of joy. And I enjoy that. I’m a stay at home parent because I like being around my small kids. I was a nanny in college, and I always planned to stay home with my babies. But it’s not my identity. It’s just what I do right now. There are good parts, there are sacrifices. Which makes it a lot like grad school. Or like a career. Or like having an parent who needs care. Or . . .
I don’t know. I guess the fetishization of motherhood just annoys me. Again.
Well said, Av0gadro. Although I don’t have kids yet, I find that I know too many people who say their life has only just begun when they had kids. It’s as if their previous life until then (college degrees, travels, career) didn’t mean anything. This is also evident in every single article about every single female celebrity ever who says the same thing upon giving birth. Nope, their greatest success wasn’t winning an Oscar. It was giving birth which is the best thing ever.
This is a great post, MA. I love your point that motherhood doesn’t define us. Too often, I believe some women forget that.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ADDRESSING THIS! I have seen this post by so many people on facebook and it drives me nuts. I personally hate all “re-post” statuses, but this one tops them all as worst. I’m a mother. And you’re damn right, I don’t love my son any less because I still do all that others have “gave up.” I traded a designer handbag for a designer diaper bag. How bout that! I feel moms who are putting this as their status have jealousy over mothers who do manage to still have a life. They don’t make me feel bad about myself, they make me feel bad for them.
The funniest part is that I was sooo irritated by that post that I googled it hoping to find one that would address exactly what yours says! So thank you for that too!
@PHDork – thank you. you’re one of the people who made me realize that it wasn’t crazy for me to go back to school.
@Av0gadro – Ugh the “life beginning” line. That’s right up there with arriving somewhere alone and being asked “Where are the kids?” (Um, with their FATHER) and the ever famous “I don’t know how you do everything.” (read: neglect those poor children while you jaunt off to your selfish pursuits…unlike me)
[...] for further reading pleasure, an article I wanted to include that I feel is relevant, and has to do with the topic of motherhood. [...]
Love this post. I had to share it on my blog: http://www.modernmommymagic.blogspot.com. Thanks!
Thank you for saying this. I feel at the age of 37 my life is just beginning for me NOW, certainly not when I had my children at 22 and 25. At that stage of my life I didn’t really know who I was or what I wanted and I just got on with the whole mothering business because I had to. I didn’t bond with them at birth (every good mum should do that, shouldn’t she?) and didn’t particularly enjoy their early years at all. Neither myself or my husband were natural parents and we struggled to come to terms with the sacrifices that we found ourselves having to make.
It wasn’t until they were both past the age of ten we both really started to enjoy them. And now, at ages 15 and 12 they are a real joy (well, most of the time!). But that’s mostly because it’s such a pleasure seeing them mature into independent, confident young people who are able to think for themselves and don’t always need our help with everything. I have always stressed the importance of being able to take care of themselves and to be able to amuse themselves without constantly relying on me. There are some that think this is wrong (their grandmothers for instance!) because they sacrificed everything for their own children and think that a woman’s greatest joy is to be constantly needed. But isn’t that a little selfish? What happens when the child gets to the stage where he or she should be striking out to make a life of their own yet they can’t properly because they feel the weight of Mum’s sadness that she is no longer needed bearing down on them? And how are they ever going to learn to be independent if Mum never teaches them to do things for themselves?
I’m certainly not a pecfect mother by any means, but I hope that I’ve taught my children that you don’t need to give up your sense of self, needs, or interests to be considered ‘good’. Instead of seeing me striving to make a perfect four course meal in a perfect kitchen they have seen me work hard towards my degree in Biochemistry as well as cultivating a multitude of interests. We often have fascinating conversations about a range of topics and I feel that this is where I excel, this is what motherhood is about for me. Not changing dirty nappies or talking baby talk whist proclaiming what a joy it is. It’s not.
I’m sorry that this post has been so long, but I think the motherhood myth has been spread about for too long (often by women’s own mothers) without being questioned, and it makes me FURIOUS. The more people that speak up about this nonsense the better. Motherhood is just one part of life and it shouldn’t be a woman’s sole identity and purpose.
Wow. I would like to meet this woman face to face. I don’t think she would like me at all.
I would set her straight rather quickly that some people, are not cut out to be a mother. My sister & I had a horrid mother. Lazy, resentful, uninvolved, abusive to a degree, among other things.
I am physically unable to have children. After several failed options, my Catholic (ex)husband & I realized that being child-less wasn’t so bad. We embraced our child free life, lived how we wanted and told those that questioned our decision to “Stop trying” to … SHUT THE HELL UP unless they were going to donate eggs, pay for the procedure for fertilization, implantation, pre-natal care, delivery expense and then supply the funds needed for college.
We devoted ourselves to our nieces and nephews and the children of close friends. Aunt Amy & Uncle Stan were ALWAYS there when the kids or the parents needed us. We stepped in to give the parents time to enjoy themselves without having to worry if the kids were okay or having to pay a sitter.
I love my life. No regrets. I don’t think I was cut out to be a mom, but I make one hella’ good Aunt to my sister’s kids and the children of my friends!
Wow I am sorry that the writer if this feels the way she does. I am a mom. I am not in a marriage where my husband is an equal partner. Out lives have not been easy because of choices he has made.
However, to me personally, being a mom is the best thing ever. My daughter is the very best person I know and the truest friend I have ever had. We have a bond that is stronger than any I know. It is not about defying me it is about what I choose. I choose to give 100% to my daughter. Not because I am being a martyr or for any reason except I want to. I would never bash anyone else’s choice or opinion. I respect the choices you make to be right for your life.
I understand the stupidity of the post, I do. But when your children are young, you do have to sacrifice ALOT of yourself for the better of your kids. Yes, as time goes by you sacrifice a little less. But from the second you become pregnant, there is a life YOU have created andos therefore completely dependent upon you. Since my dayghter was born I’ve always had a problem with people telling me to have “me time”. I refuse to leave my child with someone who hardly knows how to meet her needs efficiently (family and her dad alike) so I can do so. I gain happiness from taking care of my daughter. Becoming a parent means alot falls by the wayside but CAN be picked up again in time. As for telling your children you shouldn’t have had kids? That their pure existence wasn’t wanted? Thats a lengthy therapist bill in the making.
@MarieAnnelle – Such an awesome post. Thank you.
@Kelly – Your response could have been written by mom mom. She says being a mother of small children was the best time in her life, and it’s hard on her now that she “isn’t needed anymore.” I want you to know, it is a lot of pressure on your daughter to say that she’s your best friend and that you have such a unique bond, etc. Trust me — I was my mom-martyr’s best friend growing up.
I’m sure that my reaction to that pressure may be different from your daughter’s…but you might be as unaware of that pressure as my mom is/was, and I think it’s important for you to create some healthy boundaries between you and her. (And don’t bother asking her about this. I can guarantee you that she will say you’re not putting any pressure on her and that you are her best friend, etc.)
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, *everything* I did/said/thought was an attempt to keep up my mom’s storyline. I basically tried to make myself the slightly improved (i.e. better educated, higher performing) version of her–so she would see me as a reflection of her and of her sacrifice to me.
It wasn’t healthy. And now–at 35–I am struggling with my relationship with my mom. Understand, we still see each other at least once a week and we talk all the time, but I no longer reflect her. She thinks I hate her because I don’t pretend to be her best friend anymore. Sometimes (shock) my opinions are different from hers (and different from the opinions she always thought I had). It is absolutely shocking to her, and it hurts me that she doesn’t understand that I do love her even if I’m not pretending to be her best friend anymore.
There’s nothing wrong with having a close relationship, and I credit my mom with doing everything in her power to be a better mom than she had. I don’t blame her for making these mistakes. But I do wish she hadn’t made them.
Um, this is why I DO NOT use facebook. It’s ridiculous and a waste of time.