@Kelly – Your response could have been written by mom mom. She says being a mother of small children was the best time in her life, and it’s hard on her now that she “isn’t needed anymore.” I want you to know, it is a lot of pressure on your daughter to say that she’s your best friend and that you have such a unique bond, etc. Trust me — I was my mom-martyr’s best friend growing up.

I’m sure that my reaction to that pressure may be different from your daughter’s…but you might be as unaware of that pressure as my mom is/was, and I think it’s important for you to create some healthy boundaries between you and her. (And don’t bother asking her about this. I can guarantee you that she will say you’re not putting any pressure on her and that you are her best friend, etc.)

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, *everything* I did/said/thought was an attempt to keep up my mom’s storyline. I basically tried to make myself the slightly improved (i.e. better educated, higher performing) version of her–so she would see me as a reflection of her and of her sacrifice to me.

It wasn’t healthy. And now–at 35–I am struggling with my relationship with my mom. Understand, we still see each other at least once a week and we talk all the time, but I no longer reflect her. She thinks I hate her because I don’t pretend to be her best friend anymore. Sometimes (shock) my opinions are different from hers (and different from the opinions she always thought I had). It is absolutely shocking to her, and it hurts me that she doesn’t understand that I do love her even if I’m not pretending to be her best friend anymore.

There’s nothing wrong with having a close relationship, and I credit my mom with doing everything in her power to be a better mom than she had. I don’t blame her for making these mistakes. But I do wish she hadn’t made them.

I would set her straight rather quickly that some people, are not cut out to be a mother. My sister & I had a horrid mother. Lazy, resentful, uninvolved, abusive to a degree, among other things.

I am physically unable to have children. After several failed options, my Catholic (ex)husband & I realized that being child-less wasn’t so bad. We embraced our child free life, lived how we wanted and told those that questioned our decision to “Stop trying” to … SHUT THE HELL UP unless they were going to donate eggs, pay for the procedure for fertilization, implantation, pre-natal care, delivery expense and then supply the funds needed for college.

We devoted ourselves to our nieces and nephews and the children of close friends. Aunt Amy & Uncle Stan were ALWAYS there when the kids or the parents needed us. We stepped in to give the parents time to enjoy themselves without having to worry if the kids were okay or having to pay a sitter.

I love my life. No regrets. I don’t think I was cut out to be a mom, but I make one hella’ good Aunt to my sister’s kids and the children of my friends!

It wasn’t until they were both past the age of ten we both really started to enjoy them. And now, at ages 15 and 12 they are a real joy (well, most of the time!). But that’s mostly because it’s such a pleasure seeing them mature into independent, confident young people who are able to think for themselves and don’t always need our help with everything. I have always stressed the importance of being able to take care of themselves and to be able to amuse themselves without constantly relying on me. There are some that think this is wrong (their grandmothers for instance!) because they sacrificed everything for their own children and think that a woman’s greatest joy is to be constantly needed. But isn’t that a little selfish? What happens when the child gets to the stage where he or she should be striking out to make a life of their own yet they can’t properly because they feel the weight of Mum’s sadness that she is no longer needed bearing down on them? And how are they ever going to learn to be independent if Mum never teaches them to do things for themselves?

I’m certainly not a pecfect mother by any means, but I hope that I’ve taught my children that you don’t need to give up your sense of self, needs, or interests to be considered ‘good’. Instead of seeing me striving to make a perfect four course meal in a perfect kitchen they have seen me work hard towards my degree in Biochemistry as well as cultivating a multitude of interests. We often have fascinating conversations about a range of topics and I feel that this is where I excel, this is what motherhood is about for me. Not changing dirty nappies or talking baby talk whist proclaiming what a joy it is. It’s not.

I’m sorry that this post has been so long, but I think the motherhood myth has been spread about for too long (often by women’s own mothers) without being questioned, and it makes me FURIOUS. The more people that speak up about this nonsense the better. Motherhood is just one part of life and it shouldn’t be a woman’s sole identity and purpose.

@Av0gadro – Ugh the “life beginning” line. That’s right up there with arriving somewhere alone and being asked “Where are the kids?” (Um, with their FATHER) and the ever famous “I don’t know how you do everything.” (read: neglect those poor children while you jaunt off to your selfish pursuits…unlike me)