I’ll be honest. “So, when are you going to have kids?” is the most dreaded question married women get besides “How’s married life?” Actually, I can’t decide which question is worse. After nearly two years, I am asked both questions on a fairly regular basis. I’m certain that I will still be asked about my married life when I am on my deathbed. I always respond with a curt “okay” because that question is always filler conversation by people I barely know and who aren’t interested in my life anyways.
(Although, if you are really curious about my first year of marriage, I can tell you the long sob stories of my lay off, my husband’s lay off, him miraculously finding another job and subsequently being laid off again. I can also tell you how exciting it is for a couple to both be filing for unemployment at the same time. “Did you file today?” “No, thanks for reminding me.” “No problem.” But, you know, that’s not what people want to hear when they ask “How married life?”)
When people ask me the dreaded kids question, I usually respond with “when you’ll pay for one.” Having children is not my priority at this point, much to the dismay of relatives who expected me to give birth nine months after the wedding. I am frustrated that this question is even asked in the first place because it automatically assumes that couples who are childless by choice are terrible people. (Obviously, they’re not.) Also, men rarely get hounded with questions about when will start families or how their marriage is coming along. No, this question is usually asked by women to other women, who will judge you no matter what you say.
MetaFilter has a list of creative responses to “So, when are you going to have children?” Here are my favorites:
- “As soon as the house is paid off”
- “As soon as I figure out how.”
- “Say: “Already have one,” and point to husband.
- “Tomorrow.”
Sad to say, this questioning doesn’t stop once you have a child. My mom spent years trying to conceive me, finally did, had a very difficult pregnancy, and became infertile. Yet, people still asked her when she was going to have another child or chided her only having one child. (This was in the 80s when being an only child wasn’t as common as it is now and Chelsea Clinton, who lived in a state I had even never been to, was the only other only child I knew existed.) I hate the “When are you going to have another?” question because it makes children sound like accessories or collector’s items. Also, I know too many women who have secretly struggled with miscarriages or infertility issues to ask this question without feeling completely insensitive.
What are your frequent responses to ”So, when are you going to have kids?” or “When are you going to have another?”
At some point, the “how’s married life” thing stops. I’m coming up on 5 years and no one asks us that anymore. I run in a lot of no-sex-before-marriage Christian groups, so whenever they’d ask “how’s married life,” it always felt like they were actually asking about my sex life. What did they want to hear in response to that question, anyway? “It’s pretty good, the sex is nice, I’m still bothered by the sheer fact of him breathing next to me in bed and sometimes fantasize about smothering him with a pillow. Also, now that we live together and he can observe me all the time, he asks me a million questions about why I do things the way I do, like wetting the toothbrush before I put the toothpaste on it, so sometimes that’s sort of annoying, but, overall, I get to wake up and spend my days with my best friend, so, things are fab!”
The kids thing has begun to be a major problem. It’s like we’ve reached a point where people really expect us to just have a baby already. And the honest truth is “WELL, I SURE WISH I COULD. BUT SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WRONG WITH MY UTERUS. THANKS FOR ASKING.” In fact, I’ve basically just started being honest. “Well, if you’re really that curious about the intimate details of my sex life, I’ve been off birth control for a year and a half and we can’t seem to get pregnant. SO. There’s that.”
I’ve been married for almost 4 years and get the kids question constantly. It doesn’t help that I’m almost 33 and am the last of my friends to have children. And saying, “We just don’t want them right now” doesn’t seem to be good enough.
I’ve resorted to, “When the time comes, I’ll let you know.” Or, if someone asks, “Are you trying to get pregnant?” I say, “I’m not, but if I were, you’d be ruining the surprise.”
Usually shuts them up.
Yeah, the “when you pay for it” didn’t work out with me. On my first year of grad school and my 1st year living with Mr.B my grandma’s reply to that answer “Yes, you could have your baby and me and my sister can take care of it until you finish grad school.”
I usually have a few responses I recycle until I think of new ones. Current ones are: “I have 3 but they’re feline.”, “When academia develops family-friendly policies”, and “When I get bored of this whole ‘sleeping’ thing and decide I want to be sleep deprived for the next few years.”
And my “when pigs fly” response: When I manage to get an academic research position in Puerto Rico with a decent salary.
Honestly, people need a projection on the state of my uterus as much as they need a projection on the state of my kidneys. Not much.
I’m well past the stage at which either of these questions would be asked. But if I had been, I’d answer, per Miss Manners, “Why do you ask?”. Then, whatever they answer-if they have enough chutpah to answer-I’d just say, “Ah” and change the subject.
My husband and I were married less than a year and a half before I got pregnant, so we didn’t encounter the kids question too often, thankfully. But now that my son is a few months old, it seems like absolutely everyone asks: “Your first?” (How can you tell? Should I not be holding him upside-down?) Which sounds like the opening to a conversation I don’t want to have, so I usually say, “Yes, first and only.”
Because, damn it, there is almost nothing ruder than questioning someone about her or his reproductive plans ~ for all the reasons you stated, foureleven, and more. Long before marrying and for a while after, my husband and I were genuinely undecided about children for some very intimate, difficult reasons, and that wasn’t anyone’s business unless we offered to share it. So I understand that many of the curious are simply well-meaning, but that doesn’t make it right, and shutting them down as efficiently as possible is a reasonable way to handle it. They just might decide not to be so probing in the future.
I’ve said before that I got asked when we were going to have kids at my wedding reception. Yeah, still bitter. I was also asked when I was going to have “a sibling” the day I got home from the hospital after a c-section that followed a completely miserable pregnancy that followed two miscarriages. Yeah, still bitter.
Now that I’ve produced a boy and a girl, everyone is eager to tell me how perfect that is, and I’m no longer under any pressure. People still ask if we want more, but it’s totally socially acceptable to say no without explanation. And while I’m annoyed at the assumption that one of each is perfect (I’m one of two girls and I always thought my family was pretty perfect), the lack of pressure is certainly nice.
My stock answer before kids was “Not today” with no explanation or discussion. Especially after the first miscarriage, my tone of voice was firm enough that I very rarely got pushed. It’s just important to remind yourself, over and over, that you don’t owe these people any explanation, even if they’re your mother or mother-in-law. I only had problems if I started the feel like I owed someone either an explanation or a grandchild.
@funnyface: Ugh, that sucks. I’m a dee-vorced lady now, but when I was married, I went through the same thing. Hope it happens for you soon. I’m mentally smacking everyone who tells you “Maybe if you just relaxed…” or some variant thereof.
Anyway. It’s not an issue for me anymore (what with the dee-vorce and all) but I always had a lot of success with “That’s an awfully personal question” combined with either a cool stare or a disarming smile, and then changing the subject.
funnyface – I’m sorry to hear that too. I wish I could give a death stare to anyone who gives you another obnoxious comment.
Av0gadro – Your first paragraph alone filled me with rage. And I really do like your “Not Today” response. So simple and effective. My cousin even told me that I should have a boy and girl so I can have the “perfect family” … as if having two boys or two girls is somehow unacceptable. I’ve also had former co-workers insist that I should have children in rapid succession because it’s “just easier.” My family has always tended to do the opposite (there is a large age gap between my mom and my aunt) so I was taken aback at how much my co-workers insisted I follow the imaginary no-more-than-two-years-apart rule.
ritualtheory – I’ve heard the “Your first?” question from one mother to another and it always sounds condescending. You’ll find the best part of having an only is that it’s easier to travel (booking three airlines seats in a row, fitting in a small rental car, eating out at a small table). I’m not sure if that outweighs all of the “So, is your child spoiled?” comments though. My mom stopped getting those when I started college, thankfully.
I’ve been married for 6 years now and I still don’t know quite how to answer the kids question in such a way that I don’t get interrogated. “I just don’t want them” is never enough for most people. I don’t know why. Perhaps misery loves company? They’ve go no imagination?
Lately I’ve taken to saying that I’ll start trying for a kid 30 years from now. This would put me past menopause (hopefully). I can almost see the gears start turning in some people’s heads as they try to do the math based on how old they think I am. I try to start inching away while they’re calculating. In part, I’m banking on them being just polite enough to not ask my age despite their rude inquiry on my sex life. Some people are that rude by the by.
@Kari & @foureleven: thanks. Probably the worst offenders are our recently be-childed friends and family members. Our BCFFs (best couple friends forever) just had a baby. When they told us they were having a baby, they said something like “can’t believe some people think it’s so hard to get pregnant.” BECAUSE IT IS FOR SOME PEOPLE YOU ASSFACES.
Then, my idiot SIL told me about how she was using some app on her phone to track her cycle and avoid pregnancy. I told her that wasn’t a very good method because most apps assume a standard 28 day cycle and the only way to know when she actually ovulates is to take her temp every day and chart. Well guess what, a month later, she’s pregnant. Cue: guess what you guys really need is to just stop trying and it will happen! Whee.
True story: my dad wrote on my birthday card this year “Having you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. (HINT HINT!)” Hey dad, somehow you made me with a defective uterus, sorry.
@funnyface – I’m sorry people are being so insensitive, especially loved ones.
I’m not even married, but my mom has been hinting for years now that she’d love to be a grandmother. My brother is eight years younger than me, and I’ve heard her lament that he’ll be a parent before me (to which he says, “Gawd, I hope not.”).
Last time she pointed out baby booties in a store and said how she couldn’t wait to have grandbabies, I said, “I can’t think of anything that would ruin my life more right now than a kid” and changed the subject. I’m 27, I’m in grad school, and I’m not even dating anyone. Yes, I’d like to have a kid (especially via adoption), but not for another decade or so. (But if I say that, I get the biological clock response and the litany of genetic defects, etc.) Sigh.
FunnyFace – I’m so sorry you’re having trouble making the babies. I hope it happens for you soon, if only because I know you’ll be a fantastic mom and then you can tell all those obnoxious people to SHOVE IT.
We were married 5 years before we even thought about kids, 6 before we had any. I found most of the annoying comments and questions came from those in our own peer group who already had kids – as if they NEEDED us to also have babies so they felt better about themselves. The worst offender was my SIL who had her first something like 9 months and 2 days after her wedding. My stock answer was “Why, are you trying to get rid of yours?” or if I was feeling bitchy “Not after hanging out with your kid!”
Now I’m experiencing exactly what Av0gadro mentioned – I have “one of each” and so no one feels the need to bug me anymore. Even while I was still pregnant people told me I sure knew “how to grow ‘em right” because I managed to produce a boy and then a girl. I’m waiting for my medal.
@funnyface: that is HORRIBLE. I’m sorry that you’re having trouble AND facing such unconscionable rudeness from your family.
@Av0gadro: I, unfortunately, can top the wedding reception – in the first marriage, while still in the receiving line (married less than 20 minutes), his aunt asked us when we were having a kid. Bad enough, until my sister reminded me that she actually asked when we were having a SON. Yeah. He’s remarried with 2 daughters – must be giving auntie FITS.
Second marriage – I heard it a few time from my stepmom, but when I kept saying “The discussion is on the table”, she stopped asking me. She’s had her own issues, so I think it made her more sensitive.
The worst is my friends, actually. Most have had issues, and conversations for a few years turned to drugs, cycles, doses, and harvesting – I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. Thank you. But in the midst of this, one of the most baby-obsessed women of the group (not the one trying the longest, or with the biggest issues, but just obsessed) turned to me one night and told me I was wasting my time in graduate school, that I needed to immediately have a child because i was going to run out of time and i would regret not having children NOW. And that I was a horrible person for not wanting to have kids.
Now, I’ve never said one way or another to anyone about if DH and I want kids, or if we’re trying to have them, or anything. Because it’s NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS. People take my silence and refusal to answer at all as either we’re having trouble conceiving (oh, poor you, let’s have a pity party where we all look down our noses because we have kids/are in fertility treatment) or that I – just me – don’t want kids (horrible, horrible woman, you’re a total failure as a person and completely morally bankrupt).
Guess I’m kinda bitter too.
Skada – You’re in the same position as me! I still don’t understand how 27 and in grad school leads people to assume I’ll start having kids now. I want to wait a while (not six months or a year, but a while) before I have kids and people look at me with a combination of pity and sympathy. I’ve heard the biological clock response too from people who insist I should be pregnant in my 20s because my time is running out. Plenty of women get pregnant in their 30s and people just need to mind their own business.
Suzanne – “I found most of the annoying comments and questions came from those in our own peer group who already had kids – as if they NEEDED us to also have babies so they felt better about themselves.” YES! I couldn’t agree more.
Shadow Boxer – You have every reason to be bitter. Seriously.
Surprisingly I get people ask if we’re done more often than not and imply that we should stop having kids. I couldn’t agree more, but still, boundary issues.
(most of) my extended family has learned not to ask nosy reproductive matters because a close family member is struggling with infertility.
The ones who still feel the need to intrude are also people who ask pushy questions about other areas in life like religion (I’m Agnostic, they’re Christian), politics or gender roles.
Because of this I don’t discuss certain things with them. It’s hard to have a conversation if one person refuses to play.
Friends are tougher to deal with. My experience has been similar to Suzanne’s – people who already have kids are much more apt to expect me to do the same.
Turns out they don’t ask this if you’re in the military. And married someone they wish you hadn’t.
And try talking about the fact that maybe you’d like to take advantage of your functioning reproductive system again when you’re single and your first child is living with his father in another state, watch how quickly everyone freaks out.
So based on my experience, I recommend responding to questions about having a kid with “Can’t, I’ve joined the Air Force”, “My husband says he’ll quit his job if I get pregnant” or “Our house is going into foreclosure” for starters.
I seem to have aged out of the “When are you having kids?” question for the most part, but still get it from people who don’t know me and assume I’m younger.
The answer varies depending on who asks and how. I used to answer with, “After I’m done raising my husband.” Until a professor pointed out that it was kind of a snotty thing to say about someone I loved.
Then I went with “The cats are allergic.”
Now I just smile and tell them I’ve been spayed.
I either A) smile and say, “Yeeeaahhh [insert head shake], I’m afraid that’s gonna be a no.” or B) “I’m sorry, I haven’t graduated from houseplants yet.”
Once, at the age 19, still in college and in front of my dorm, my cousin (male and married) said, as I held his infant daughter, “Motherhood looks good on you, when are you going to have one?”
Luckily, I was a single mother of one son, so I never got the “when are you going to have another one?” If I had, I would have said “When hell freezes over.” Since I didn’t get married until I was 53, and don’t have friends living close by (they’re in Illinois, I’m in Minnesota), I don’t get the questions about married life either, thankfully (however, if anyone had asked, they would have been asked “And how’s your married life?” in return, without getting an answer from me). I figure turn-about’s fair play in a case like that.
my partner and i have been together for nearly 5 years and recently its like our families have given up on us getting married so have started to ask when we’re going to have children. i usually just use the question as an opportunity to remind everyone how we accidentally murdered our pet turtle when trying to clean its tank and say that we’re working our way up to caring for mammals.
Wow, I can’t think of a single person who would (dare/want to) ask me that question.
I have to say ‘The cats are allergic’ is my favourite response ever!
My answer to this issue was to never get married. Keeps the questions in a single annoying category that I don’t mind being a megabitch about.
I’ve found, though, that saying “I don’t really like kids” tends to throw cold water on the cutesy questioning. More polite versions: I prefer cats, I prefer to help raise other peoples’ children, I always just wanted to be the crazy-fun aunt, etc.
Recently, however, I was told that I better get married soon so I can have kids, even if I don’t want them now, because I’ll want them once I have them. ::nods slowly, while backing away::
PhDork, of course you’ll want them once you have them! At least outwardly, because admitting you wanted something else out of life might scare the little ones, and even if you didn’t want them, you still want them to grow up into capable adults without serious emotional scars. So you’ll never outwardly give any sign you didn’t want them, while wallowing in silent inner despair. Was the person who said it a real conservative? They seem to favor the silent inner despair.
funnyface, I’m sorry you’re having trouble. Irregular cycles suck, and I can’t believe how insensitive the people around you are. Well, I believe it, but I’m horrified. I wish I could lecture them for you.
geekgirlsrule, I am stealing “My cats are allergic” on behalf of my childless friends (since I can’t really use it anymore) and you are now my hero. I so wish I’d thought of that back when I needed it.
i have two responses:
1. i love my unborn child far too much to ever bring it into this (fucked up) world… people tend to leave you alone after that. and hey, it’s the truth (for me, at least).
or, i sometimes mention that,
2. i believe that the whole “don’t breed, don’t buy, adopt” philosophy regarding cats and dogs should be applied to our world’s near limitless supply of children without families or homes… so maybe i’ll adopt… but i can’t really afford that right now… so maybe i’ll foster?
“My cats are allergic”
Oh my gaaaawd. I am in love and I hope I get the opportunity to use that (substituting dogs) in the future.
geekgirlsrule – “My cat’s allergic” is my new response. Thanks!
erin – One of my favorite blogs is http://fosterhood.tumblr.com. A few years ago, I told my cousin that I liked the idea of either adopting or fostering and he said, “Why would you want someone else’s kid when you can have your own?” Ugh. Just ugh.
* to clarify, my second response is purely bitchy & not meant to judge those who procreate… adoption isn’t easy. it’s more of a joke meant to piss off those who think i should hurry up and join in. *
There are a lot of sad and anger-inducing stories here, and I would like you all to know that I support you in whatever decision you’ve made. We don’t have to apologize or explain to anyone about our life choices. Trust women!
When I’ve been asked whether we’re having kids, I’ve usually responded honestly with: “I’m not sure I want kids” or “I like my life the way it is right now.” If they think I’m selfish, so what. Anyone who would think that of me for that reason is not someone whose opinion I value much anyways. I have also used that question as a feminist teaching moment – that shuts people up right quick. I’m old enough now that most people don’t ask anymore, which is nice since we’re actually going to start trying in February. If it happens, surprise! If not, then no one’s the wiser, and we move on with our (quite nice) lives.
As for the “how’s married life” question, my response is “exactly the same as non-married life, and I think that’s a good sign.” Since no one wants to say it’s a bad sign they’re sort of forced to agree with me.
We were getting this almost daily from my husband’s traditional Kazakh extended family via phone or email, as in, “How are you? We miss you. HAVE A BABY. You may look young but you’re OLD!Do you realize you’re OLD?? HAVE A BABY!” We’re both in our early 30′s, which is much younger in much of North America than it is over there, and we’ve been married for eight months.
We actually want a baby, but we’re not in a financial position yet to have one(we just moved to a new country and I’m not part of the health system yet), so we’re not going to start one right now. Telling his family to mind their own business only worked for so long, so now we just say “Look, we’re TRYING,” and that seems to shut them up for now.
Anka, you have to be careful with “I’m trying” because then people start to feel entitled to offer you advice.
I warn everyone, the following paragraph will be rage inducing.
When my husband’s older cousin and her husband hadn’t had kids after four years, she started telling people they were trying. Two years later, still with no kids, her family (which has serious boundary issues) started sending them porn in the mail with notes about helping things along.
I married into the family years later, after her first child was born. I’ve never asked about it, so I don’t know if they had infertility issues, were just claiming to try to get people out of their hair, or what, but I was so appalled I couldn’t speak after hearing the story. And I later told my husband that if his family ever treated me like that, I would leave him.
@foureleven: Totally! I’ve gotten so many comments and blank stares over the years. Since I was a little Harpy I said quite clearly I wanted to adopt. It wasn’t until late in college that I even considered a biological option, in addition. And I have feline kids, but not human kids, at the moment.
And it ain’t just being married, us single ladies get that biological clock shit all the mothertrucking time. If I hear one more “tick, tick!” I won’t be held responsible for my actions…I will She-Hulk out.
The worst is “just get knocked up”! By who, the mailman? AND WHAT ABOUT STIs?!? No one mentions those, of course. I don’t walk around responding “just get syphilis!” but I should start.
I think there’re two groups of people we’re responding to.
Love ones who ask because they’re bored or well-meaning…and everyone else. To the latter just say REALLY INCREDULOUSLY and shake your head in disbelief “No thanks!!”
For everyone else – especially people being verbally abusive by telling you you’re a horrible selfish person and are hopeless at planning your own life – just STARE BACK. Keep staring until they get really uncomfortable. Then a bit more. Step towards them while not breaking your stare. It works for cats…
If they start up again, say “Don’t” in a low growly voice and leave it at that and/or walk away.
Abusive shaming assholes don’t deserve the time of day, so don’t give it to them. Don’t let them make you feel like you gotta excuse yourself.
***This is just one more form of bullying.***
Fuck the haters!
typo: to the FORMER
Oh my poor sister and her husband got this all the time in their 20s and 30s. They never wanted children and are very happy to be childless, but people judged them HARSHLY for it. I, on the other hand, wanted children but no husband so I got pregnant at 22 and raised a baby by myself. I was judged harshly by people and called a whore. So you can’t win no matter what you do.
I would not recommend responding with “we’re trying.” I don’t know from personal experience but that answer validates a question that doesn’t deserve validation.
“That’s an awfully personal question” is the way to go–or some variation of that. Make it about the person/people being rude rather than yourself. Intrusive busybodies like that are probably incapable of shame but I think it’s important to at least try to make them feel ashamed to have asked such a thing and–in the best case scenario–decide not to do it again.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Vicki and Casey McCann, Hollywood Gossip. Hollywood Gossip said: The Most Dreaded Questions for Married Women – The Pursuit of …: (This was in the 80s when being an only child… http://bit.ly/eTHrWI [...]
Bless my mother because she has never ever once asked about my plans to have children. She knows I want them. She knows I would like them fairly soon. But she only knows this because *I* started those conversations, and *I* wanted to have her in the loop about my personal desires for my uterus.
I get in from family friends though. Ugh. The ones who just want me to come back to the (much more conservative than it used to be, so NO THANK YOU) church so I can meat a nice boy (never think to add or girl to that, do you church ladies?) to inseminate me with his obedient Jesus babies.
In my small group of friends only two of us are even mostly on board the “we want to procreate eventually” bandwagon. In my circle we get shocked looks for thinking about kids when looking at potential partners. Or not wanting to wait at *least* another 5-10+ years. I’ve been told it’s child abuse to have kids in this world, been told I’m clearly delusional to think that kind of “slavery” would be rewarding in anyway. All sorts of ugly things. I’m really glad that this space here respects breeders and non-breeders. I know wanting to join the baby brigade puts me in a position of privilege, and I’ll gladly earn my not-an-asshole stripes. Because of this I don’t generally share my baby wanting ways with folks who are being RUDE. I give them the “well, that’s a personal question!” and the “why do you want to know?” lines all the time. Just because my reproductive desires are what they want to hear does NOT give them the right to ask such prying questions. Grrrr.
Some I’ve tried, and some I haven’t.
1. “But I’m not married yet. Surely you wouldn’t want me to be a (intentional pause followed by sinister tone in voice) single mother, would you?” (Very effective here in the South; not so when I lived in Ohio.)
2. “Let me check my planner… It looks like I’m free next Tuesday at 3. I’ll pencil it in. Thanks for reminding me, I almost forgot!”
3. “My cats would get jealous, and they were here first.”
4. “My parole officer won’t let me be around children.” (Probably only suitable for those you really don’t care about offending.)
5. (Used when I think the person might be capable of being reeducated re: heterosexual privilege and assumptions about the role of women in this world) “I’ll consider it as soon as (the large public university in South Carolina my DBF teaches at) starts offering equal benefits to same-sex domestic partners and starts offering coverage for abortions, fertility treatment, and sex change operations in their health insurance plan. In other words, possibly by 2400 or so.”
6. (Used most of the time) “Sorry, I’m allergic.”
I wouldn’t recommend telling anyone anything like “We’re trying”, because that just leaves the door open for further questioning, and I can’t imagine that anyone rude enough to bring up the issue to start with wouldn’t have enough chutzpah to continue along that line of questioning. I can’t speak from personal experience, but it just seems like a road I wouldn’t want to go down if I were in that situation.
Oh, I agree about the “we’re trying;” I would only use it in a Kazakh in-law context. It’s a less potentially headache-inducing response for us because there’s no such thing as “none of your @)#$(*& business” for them where Family Matters are concerned, unfortunately. I don’t think they’d ever send porn (!) or instructions (G-d forbid)to me because they’re fairly religious and mostly don’t know how to use the internet. In their eyes, the maximum, uh, “input” has been achieved on our parts and since we poor things don’t have a shaman or anyone similar nearby to help out with fertility issues, they’re just going to hope for the best.
So far, nobody besides them has bothered us about it, but now that I think about it, I wouldn’t tell any future hypothetical American “well-wishers” that we’re trying. I’d probably go all Miss Manners on their asses.
I missed this yesterday as I was getting the lovely news that at 28, I am in peri-menopause, and almost totally barren. I say almost, because there are a few pesky eggs still hanging in there so now I have to decide to harvest and freeze them (which I can’t afford because I am a grad student).
I have multiple other health issues which I have mentioned here before, so since I was about 14 I have always had adoption big in mind. But hearing now that is my only option, (which I fully admit, I had been privileged enough to view as a “choice”) is surprising me with the intensity of the feelings I am experiencing right now. And the peri-menopause mood swings are not helping.
Long way of saying I appreciate all the alternative answers people provided here because now even though I am single and a grad student, I am starting to get the baby question. I would like an answer to give other than “I’m barren” and walking away.
P.S. To lighten the mood…my old boss used to answer when people asked her, “Ohh, thanks for asking me if my husband and I are having lots of sex. We are, crazy amounts, but he wears a condom. Have a nice day!”
You know, sad as it is, I really do have to admit that it’s kind of reassuring to know that I’m not the only woman who has to put up with this on a regular basis.
I used to shut down nosy queries of “When are you having children?” with, “When I find a responsible father for them.” But, alas, now that I have reached the ancient and decrepit age of 2-fucking-7, it seems that society’s need for my womb to fulfill its purpose has outweighed their need for me to be in a properly sanctioned heterosexual relationship, and I’m getting the “Oh, just go ahead and have some.” And I’m with you, veganmarcy: With who, THE MAILMAN?! Seriously. It’s especially irritating when you know those same people shame single-motherhood, chosen or otherwise.
Soooo, I’m currently testing out (entirely truthfully), “Oh, I want to raise children, but I’m not sure I want to incubate any.” The success rate is about 50-50 so far; those who haven’t had the sense to shut up have certainly entertained me with their idiot comments about womanhood, motherhood, adoption, and “kids these days.”
better, I’m sorry you got (more) bad health news. That said, a stark “I’m barren” followed by walking away would actually make (some) people feel bad, which is always nice. Of course, it would make other people insist on offering “advice” (Oh, they told my cousin’s daughter’s roommates’ that but as soon as she adopted she got pregnant!), which would be awful.
And my husband only got the question from family, but his answer was always, “We need more practice first!” Which is a pretty good way to shut up grandparents and conservative aunts.
I forgot–if you or your nosy “well-wisher” are religiously inclined in a particular direction, you can also say what my husband said to some nosy friends of his from the same country: “Only G-d knows!” When they continued to push, he got theatrically indignant and said, “G-d is all-knowing!! Who are YOU to question G-d?!” And repeated it a couple of times until they stopped.
I’m liking “the cats are allergic” more and more, though.
better -
i’ve had some diagnostics done for GYN health that also had stuff to do with fertility one way or another. it’s amazing how bitter you can feel when you’re having a very uncomfortable transvaginal ultrasound (no warning, thinking it’s only the regular outie-not-innie variety!) and all you hear in the background is how every other woman is there for a pregnancy check and even their radiologists are happy. and you want to adopt, but you don’t know if you can or WHEN you’ll ever be able to. especially without help. and now you don’t even know if a sperm donor clinic is an option, even if you can somehow swing it, because of your unseen unknown inner bits & bobs that just won’t be obvious about how healthy they are or aren’t. and do you have cancer, which might make all of this a moot point. sigh. *hugs* i’m sorry. i hope you get some better news than you’ve been getting.
verity khat –
it actually happened, that bit. in my early 20s i moved to nyc post 9/11 during that economic slump, after my engagement ended, and as soon as i finallllllly got work, i called up my grandparents in ND to share the good news. when my (christian) grandma answered the phone, she sounded distracted, even a bit disappointed. i repeated the news. she said “oh i thought you were going to say you got married”.
i said “to who, the guy who drove my subway train?!”
she was a good person overall so i let it slide. (like when she thought 21 was the age for me to “settle down”). and asking everytime i called her while living with the ex, if we were married yet i.e. not living in sin.
ironically enough, she came to say more and more “oh it’s ok, you work!” (actually she said “that’s right you’re a working girl!” and NO she did not know what that meant! lol)
i think she’d had enough of marriage in her own life, and she’d always wished she could’ve finished college instead of dropping out to get married and become a stay at home mom for the rest of her life. plus, my cousins had kids whether they were up to parenting them or not, so i guess that took some pressure off.
betterfishtofry – Sorry to hear that. At least there are plenty of good responses in this post for you to try out with people. Also, your boss’s response is amazing.
I go through phases with snarky comments. Like everyone else, I’m going to use the “cat is allergic” one now.
One of my favourites has the conversation going like this:
Nosy Person: When are you having children?
Me: I’m child free by choice
NP: What, don’t you like children?!
Me: I like children well enough, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.
^^^ amanda, i LOLed.
“My cats are allergic”
also good.
my answer to both the marriage question and the baby question (since after 6 years together we get both) is either, “i don’t know, probably never,” or “none of your goddamn business.”
[...] Thank youuuuuuu. [...]
Thanks everyone who commented back, I took a break from the interwebs and everything for a couple of days to wrap my head around stuff, but reading your responses are very helpful. Thank you!
Also, @veganmarcy – intravaginal ultrasounds SUCK. And I make matters worse by cracking ridiculously inappropiate jokes through the entire thing, the poor technician never knows what to do with me!